Second-time mom and completely losing it!

[bzmum]

Well, we were happy to welcome a beautiful baby girl Feb 4th into our family of three. After the birth we had help for two weeks from my mother. Then she went home...I'm in BC, she's in Oregon. Anyhow, since she has left I have found it extremely difficult to juggle my two children. My three year old is testing me ALL the time...he actively ignores me, continues to misbehave after warnings, timeouts, etc. We are having huge difficulties at dinnertime. He's not showing outward signs of jealousy toward his sister, however I can see that somethings up with him as he's normally a pretty well behaved kid. To top it all off, he's still working on potty training. He stays dry and poos on the potty at daycare but refuses to at home. I get so exasperated when he hides and peers around the corner while I'm breastfeeding dd...I know he's pooping in his pants and I feel helpless, and he knows it. He's even pointed out that I'm not being fair to him when I'm disiplining him throughout the day. Talk about a guilt trip. It doesn't help that my hormones are crazy right now and that I'm just plain tired.
Any suggestions from new moms who are going through the same thing or those who have made it through to the other side?

[luv]

I dont have any answers Ijust wanted to let you know you're not alone. Heck this AM my DD1 came over and tried to remove her new sister from my breast by pulling her head backward. <sigh>

-luv

[LionTigerBear]

I am having a hard time too, with my two boys, 2 and 4, and my husband hasn't gone back to work yet! I am scared for when that happens. It is HARD to be trying to recover from birth, care for a newborn with almost constant needs, functioning on not-enough sleep, and the boys have nearly constant needs, too. I am definitely feeling the beginning of some depression setting in, so I am going to order the book, The Mood Cure today (I heard about it here on MDC) and then start taking some amino acids, B vitamins, and possibly other supplements too. This is what I've done in the past when I had PPD and it helps completely, makes a HUGE difference. I think the body and brain just needs extra nutrients during these challenging, taxing times. I am also going to try to arrange with one of our teenage babysitters to come over a few days a week after school to help out once DH is back to work.

Hope you can find some solutions that help you feel better. I think it's important to try to meet these challenges proactively now so that they don't turn into full-fledged PPD.

[Eliseatthebeach]

I wouldn't offer any advice because every child and every situation is different. I will offer a and tell you that it sounds completely normal, most of us who have more than 1 lo have experienced something like this. Just remember "this too shall pass" that's how I get through everything with my dc. I do know from experience that no matter what the situation, no matter how frustrating and how long it seems to last.....it does pass. And when it does, it'll be something else. It's just a fact of parenthood. Please don't let your ds behavior affect your ability to mother him and your sweet new baby girl the way you really want to. So he poops his pants....so what. Change him when you get the chance.

[Larissa]

I just had my 4th child, and will tell you that I found going from 1 to 2 to be my greatest challenge. It takes time to adjust to splitting your time and attention.

[CandyApple]

Originally Posted by Larissa

I just had my 4th child, and will tell you that I found going from 1 to 2 to be my greatest challenge. It takes time to adjust to splitting your time and attention.

I agree with this, altho I'm only on my 3rd, its been easier this time than last (so far). That said, it is still a challenge. I don't think the weather helps either. We're all stuck inside with colds, and starting to get on each other nerves in ways we never had before. Spring is coming, right?

Like Elise said, just keep reminding yourself that its not forver. Do the best you can, and try not to beat yourself up about the little things. My oldest loves and adores his new little brother, but he's been whiny and attention seeking since we brought him home, and I'm running out of patience. I'm allowing them a little more TV time, lots more stories (since we all can do those together) and not focusing on every little behavior that needs correcting. Its hard, but I'm hoping that I'm not doing permanent damage!

[mama-aya]

Going from 1 to 2 was super hard for me, too, and I've been really surprised at how easy 3 is, so far.
Like the pps said, really concentrate on relaxing and not freaking out about little things will help everyone. Pooping in his pants? Bummer, but not the end of the world. I would try really hard to not even react- don't let him think he has the power to upset you about stuff like that, or it'll be too tempting for him to keep getting your attention in negative ways. Seriously, almost ignoring it, keeping yourself really matter of fact, neutral, and saving yourself for really positive interactions with your son will help a lot.
Our strategy is that, combined with outside time everyday, long walks (it's really cold right now, but I just bundle everyone up and get out!), and lots of playdates. Having another Mom in the house to run interference is great, the kids getting attention from people other than tired old me, getting good play time, and me having someone to talk to are all good. My husband works awfully long hours, but he's trying really hard to do something fun with the boys when he is home. Last time I had other people (grandmas and grandpas from church, etc.) come and take my son to the park, out to lunch, even just on their errands (love the recycling center, visiting the nursing home, etc.). Eating really well- lots of protein and vitamin rich foods, lots and lots of water, and getting up early enough to take a shower, shave my legs, and dress in real clotheshe helps immensely. Even if it means hauling myself out of bed at 5.
And it will pass. Pretty soon the baby won't be so little and fragile, you'll have more sleep, your older one will realize you still love him just as much as you ever did, and he'll have, eventually, a playmate. It will get better. It will.

[Nillarilla]

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[Thefrawg]

Hang in there mama! I agree that going from 1 to 2 was harder than 2 to 3, but there are always adjustments!

It will get better! Each child is different, but one thing that has helped me with my 2 year old, is after I finish nursing the baby, I ask my toddler to come sit on my lap for a big hug, and cuddle him like a baby. He liked it exactly 3 times, and now is a little exasperated at the baby treatment! But he still sits with me sometimes, when he is tired or frustrated.

HE also knows he can ignore me when I am nursing because I don't get up until baby is finished. Very frustrating! But I try to keep my good humor.

You are not alone in your struggles. We all muddle through, I think. I am sure you will find your rhythm soon!

[bzmum]

Thanks for helping me feel like I'm not the only one going through this...I just have to remind myself that, like every stage, this will pass too. And I don't have to freak out over poopy pants, I know. I swear, I just need to mellow out. Lots of walks outside and playdates are a great idea.
Much appreciated.

[shelbean91]

My first 2 are 23 months apart. The first 6 mos were horribly difficult. It didnt' help that my ds1 had major feeding issues adn I ahd to pump and finger feed for 4 mos and dd was starting to PT at the same time.

It will get better and going from 2-3 was much easier.

[LionTigerBear]

Everyone says going from two to three is easier and I'm not feeling it yet . . . seems pretty hard to me . . . maybe it will get easier sooner.

[RabbitDancer]

Based on my experience (I just had my fourth), it seems to be the age spacing that makes the difference in how easy the sbling adjustments will go. Going from one to two kids, and then from two to three, were easy and the adjustments were pretty seamless, but then again my oldest was 5 when #2 was born, and the oldest two were 9 and 4 when #3 came along. But now, kid #3 was only 19 1/2 months old when #4 was born two weeks ago. And this transition, uh, hasn't been so smooth. The older two are largely unfazed (they're nearly 11 and 6 now), though they squabble and argue which wears me down when I'm already worn down. And my toddler has been acting out: throwing things, hitting, and being destructive all around. Yesterday he turned on the DVD player in our bedroom, pushed another button to open the tray, and then yanked it out/off. : This has been going on for the last two months or so, really since I was so tired in late pregnancy. My husband goes back to work on Tuesday, and I'm dreading being the only adult home all day with my newborn and Mr. Terrible Twos! At least he still takes a decent daytime nap; that's my saving grace!

[Kimmiepie]

I have no advice but I feel you. I spent half the night crying last night and today I am dead tired with dark circles under my eyes. My toddler is really pushing his limits, but I feel so guilty at the same time because I know he wants more attention. My dd is the only one being helpful...my other ds might as well be 3 half the time. My house is a wreck, nothing fits me, cooking is really lacking and I just feel like everything is in chaos. Although it's really not as bad as it seems to me I've been told.

Anyway, they are right. It does get better, and I know that. But right now I'm feeling it with you too.

[JesiLynne]