12 yr old expressing anger

[jdcmom]

My DS is 12 and seems to have anger management issues. Whenever he gets upset be it over homework, his 8 yr old sister or whatever he just blows up. He basically throws a fit like a 2 year old. Yelling, screaming, stomping feet, banging fist on table/wall etc. I have sent him to his room when this happens and let him stay there until he calms down. Once he is calm he always says he is sorry for blowing up like that. He says he just doesn't know how to control his anger. Everyone gets angry and I want him to know that it's normal but that throwing a fit is not an acceptable way of dealing with it. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways for him to express his anger or to calm myself down when he gets like that? Are there any good books about this?

Thanks

[SRHS]

I read a wonderful book, and have encouraged my 12 year old son to read it also (hopefully he will) it is called "Boys to Men" by Micheal Gurian. ( I think he is the author of Wonder of Boys). It explains all the physical and emotional and chemical changes of puberty, one of them is aggression due to the testosterone surges. For My son, it helps to know what is happening inside, it helps him get a handle on it..sometimes, not all the time, we still have some blow ups and he too usually comes and apologizes and can then be rational after the hormone surge has subsided. Remember your hormonal roller coaster with PMS, postpartum, menopause...I think it's very similar, we just see more anger and aggression in boys vs moodiness and depression that you see with estrogen.

HUGS

[amynbebes]

No suggestions really but just glad to know that my 12 yr old isn't the only ball of anger.

[MamaGlow]

No suggestions either, as we're dealing w/ similar... though ds usually does not appologize and tries to either be the victim or blame me (as in 'if you make me practice trombone you are choosing to cause me physical pain and that's child abuse; you are a mean mom, why can't you ever do anything nice!'...)

I'll have to look up that book; thanks for the info--

[lizann]

My 10 yo ds is like this. I've been doing a lot of praying and trying to do my best to keep my frustration down with it. Mine doesn't apologize either. If I can, I make him redo the scenario. After he has calmed down of course, but this seems to work where he realizes how he could have reacted.

I don't know. He's my oldest of three so I was surprised that he is so young for this to be happening to him. never know. I'm going to look up the book too. we have the first one already that I gave to my hubby. think i'll pull that out again.

blessings!

[Ruthla]

My 12yo can be like this as well, and has been for years. My 7yo has recently started too.

I think you're doing fine- tell him to leave the room until he's gained control of himself. That's pretty much how I handle things around here. If she's open to it, we discuss what happened after she's calmed down. Other times it's best to leave things alone and not risk upsetting her again once she's over it. DS will often go to his room and slam the door, and he usually calms down within a few minutes- either he comes out and wants to interact, or I'll knock on his door to make sure he's OK. Then sometimes he needs a snack or a hug, and other times he just wants to play independently.

[Cherie2]

My kids have both had anger problems ... well I don't know that it’s a "problem" so much ... they have gotten angry and don't know how to express it. (Well they do know how to express it.. it’s just not the expression I want to be exposed to) lol

Ok anyway what has worked for us:

First I try to honor their feelings. Understand that even thought it might not seem like it is justified, or even that big of a deal to me … that they are not me and obviously it is a big deal to them. Then I try to “acknowledge” just sort of reflect back so they know I hear them. Then after a good cry or yell, I make some suggestions for physical release… maybe go for a walk, or jump on the trampoline or go punch the punching bag. These days my 16 yo ds will go do one of these types of things on his own when he feels himself starting to loose control. He will even say “I am too mad right now, I need to go for a walk”. I am so proud of him for that … whoever he is in an argument with will sometimes get upset that he is just “leaving” but he knows that is what he needs to do. I am not saying we have not had our share of holes punched in the wall… but I try not to let it get to me – I want to honor his process.

[Jyotsna]

I understand this. My son is 12 and he is having a rough go at it. He just thinks alot of things are "unfair", or that I expect too much from him. I remember having these same feelings as a teen.

We homeschool. Today I chose the topic for the journal entry, and let the kids know. My son says he didn't hear me. Usually he does hear me, but doesn't want to do what I have suggested. After he said he was almost done, I looked at his work, and it was a topic of his choice. I let the kids choose most days. I asked him to just turn the page and start the topic on the next page. He flew off the handle and slammed his chair into the wall behind him. He also threw his notebook. Going to his room is fun for him, so I have him stand in the kitchen, in the center. After some time, I talked to him and he had calmed down. He could see my point of view right then. I also could see his. I don't know the real answer to this, but I think kids need time after outburst to process what they have done, vs what they should have done. I'm sure they feel bad, but hate to admit it. I think I remember that too.

[aterita]

It can be due to the reason that he is going through puberty. While it's not particular in most cases. I think he is just having some moods swings. But if you are observing his behaviors on regular basis, and thinks that he is getting this periodically then it is suggested that you should consult a Child Psychologist. But I think you should look for home based intervention program for changing his behavior like the Total Transformation or Home Intervention System that will help you deal with a wide range of problems that children often encounter including; anger, substance abuse, school issues, self-esteem, arguing, motivation, interacting with family, and more.
I hope this information helps you..

[tinybutterfly]

Learning to identify and channel those strong feelings can be a useful tool you can give them.

For example "I am angry, I am hurt, I am frustrated..." Knowing why they are upset can be helpful to themselves and others sometimes.

Also, having a physical activity to burn off the strong feelings or nip them in the bud can be really great. Any sports activity, walking, running, biking, etc. We got ds#2 a drumset and it is worth it's weight in gold. Ds#1 used to go for long walks or ride his bike.

It can be a normal part of growing up. Our job is to help them identify, channel and control these feelings in a constructive way in my opinion.

And as has been mentioned, if nothing is working and it begins to be a destructive pattern, then you may want to get outside help.

Good luck! It can be a challenge, but truthfully, most of the time THEY are confused about these strong feelings that come out of nowhere and they are just trying to cope.

[chiromamma]

When my DD was 12 she got very angry very easily. At 14 she's emotionally more mature and self aware than many adults I know.
12yo DS has recently started exploding.
I think there are multiple layers with it...one is obviously hormonal surges. But often, that leads adults to brush it aside as "teen angst, hormones, etc."
I know I did that with DD at first.
But it's also a spiritual thing...they seem(ed) particularly fascinated with the shadow of things at this age, dark imagery. DD was really into heavy, dark manga, borderline emo stuff. She'd go deep into that darkness at times. To the point where I became concerned. Thank God for a dear friend who is a gifted innovative healer that just encouraged us to let her feel it and not take it personally. We did set our own boundaries for what felt dishonoring to us and her siblings but we didn't deny the emotion or soul journey she was on.
I read somewhere that this is the age where kids' perceptions of the adults in his/her life begin to take on a more realistic bent...they notice where we have compromised our values or dreams and the kid in them gets kinda pissed about it.