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Anyone else never want to give birth ever again?

post #1 of 66
Thread Starter 
Just wondering if I'm the only one.

I tried to have a homebirth twice and failed both times. I'm so hurt by the insistence by many in the natural birth community who say that birth isn't painful, when my labors were so aweful I actually contemplated suicide during the last one.

Someone I know and love just wrote a blog post about how wanting pain medication during birth is selfish and I feel like she punched me in the gut.

I never want to give birth ever again.

Please tell me I'm not alone. Please tell me there's at least one other person who feels the same way I do!
post #2 of 66
I'm so sorry you are feeling so upset! I wouldn't say that my births were as painful as you are describing but I just couldn't read and not reply. I am a very pro natural birth person but I firmly believe that if you have such pain, or fear, (for whatever reason), that you can't even bear the thought of birth again, then you are completely justified in choosing to birth in a way that is more comfortable for you.

Everything is a trade-off in life and sometimes the risks are COMPLETELY worth it for the benefit of having a mentally, and emotionally, safe birth experience.

I can't imagine how painful your births must have been, but I did have a moment with my 3rd baby that I seriously thought I would rip my skin just so that I could step out of it for a few minutes! I hope you find some peace and healing for yourself and remember to be gentle with yourself. Your experience is only yours, and no one else can tell you how to feel or how to deal with it. Let your heart guide you and stop feeling guilty!

peace and health,
post #3 of 66
Thread Starter 
Thank you!
post #4 of 66
Yep, yep, yep.

After giving birth to DD, there was no way I could psychologically face childbirth again. I had a c-section with DS. Scheduled. Arguably unnecessary. Arguably selfish. It was the only way I could face the possibility of having a second child, whom I desperately wanted. Despite the villainization on this site of people like me who make this choice, I still feel great about it.
post #5 of 66
Oh, mama! I feel for you! My first birth was an intervention-laced hospital birth, complete with an epidural (honestly didn't do any research, was only 22, can't say I cared enough sadly). By the second one, I went full-force into natural birth and had a *succesful* homebirth. It was sooooooooooooooooo painful!! He was 11.2 pounds and I ripped really badly. I didn't heal until he was 14 mos old...I bled at each and every BM every day until he was 14 mos old (sorry for the tmi). Even today, everything is so dramatically *blown* out "down there" that sex isn't as good anymore and other aspects of life are more difficult. I sometimes wish in hindsight that I had been in the hospital where I could have received stitches or had a mw who sent me for stitches. So, believe me, I feel your pain! There is definitely a tone in the natural community that blames moms when things aren't "ideal" for one reason or another. In my situation, I was blamed for eating too much protein causing my 11.2 pound baby...despite the fact that I gained a mere 17 pounds and lost 55 following the birth. Hmph.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and out...sounds like that person has blinders on and life will one day yield a rude awakening. *hugs,* mama.
post #6 of 66
Yes. Mine was a good birth on paper. 2 hours to fully dilated, 2 hours pushing. 2 stitches. 10 lb 6.5 oz baby. Water birth, no medications. But I also contemplated suicide at one point. I don't know if I can face the possibility of another birth like that. I'm seriously considering an epidural next time...if there is a next time.
post #7 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
Yes. Mine was a good birth on paper. 2 hours to fully dilated, 2 hours pushing. 2 stitches. 10 lb 6.5 oz baby. Water birth, no medications. But I also contemplated suicide at one point. I don't know if I can face the possibility of another birth like that. I'm seriously considering an epidural next time...if there is a next time.
that sounds like a precipitous birth, and those are often very difficult to deal with, cuz there is no slow gentle progression of labor; it's just here, BAM! and then you have to deal with transition! Bless your heart. You do whatever you need to, to have a sane birth...no heroes here!
post #8 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa View Post
Yep, yep, yep.

After giving birth to DD, there was no way I could psychologically face childbirth again. I had a c-section with DS. Scheduled. Arguably unnecessary. Arguably selfish. It was the only way I could face the possibility of having a second child, whom I desperately wanted. Despite the villainization on this site of people like me who make this choice, I still feel great about it.
saying amen to you sister. we should be about freedom of birth - supporting every women's birth choice here. thats the respect we want from teh world for some of our choices that arent so mainstream.
post #9 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by hollycat View Post
saying amen to you sister. We should be about freedom of birth - supporting every women's birth choice here. Thats the respect we want from teh world for some of our choices that arent so mainstream.
ita
post #10 of 66
Thread Starter 
I really needed all of this. Thank you!
post #11 of 66
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section. I didn't get to hold my baby until 2 hours after she was pulled out of me and I'm convinced that the section was a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed her. I can't do this again, DD was not planned and although I love her, I honestly just don't like kids enough to put myself through either labor, major surgery, or the life-draining newborn phase again.
post #12 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren710 View Post
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section. I didn't get to hold my baby until 2 hours after she was pulled out of me and I'm convinced that the section was a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed her. I can't do this again, DD was not planned and although I love her, I honestly just don't like kids enough to put myself through either labor, major surgery, or the life-draining newborn phase again.

post #13 of 66
You know,I was one of those "everybody should birth naturally, it's easy,yada,yada,yada" Then I had my 7th.I was old,46,ancient.It was a loooong labor.I'm glad dd is here,don't get me wrong.But I have to say if that had been the first birth, there wouldn't have been anymore!
I guess I finally grew up, gained some insight, birth is different for each and everyone of us.For some of us it's gonna be difficult,horrible,one of those,"I'm not doing that again" experiences.It's O.K. to say it.
Human birth is a design issue.Some of us just aren't going to give birth easily.You can educate yourself,plan for the best and if it doesn't work out,plan B.There shouldn't be any judgment.Stuff happens.
post #14 of 66
I'm torn. I had a "good" homebirth - only about 5 hrs of contractions that hurt, much, no tearing, just pretty well textbook. It was good, really, but I experienced the fetal ejection reflex and the loss of control part has me really freaked out... still... 19 months later. When I think about giving birth *in general* I think how cool it is and how I'd love to do that again. However, when I think about my experience last time... I get some serious anxiety and feel like there's no way I can do that again. We're not really ok with hormonal or surgical forms of birth control, though, and we do NFP, but who knows what will happen down the line... Surgery freaks me out more than natural, I guess.
post #15 of 66
My first birth was horrendous...labor was manageable until the 5-6cm point where I got an combined spinal/epidural, moved along quickly and felt the unbelieveable pressure as I got to complete. His HR dropped to 60 after my first push and wouldn't come back up. I ended up with emergent forceps delivery with a 4th degree tear and broken tailbone. I was completely traumatized as everything happened so fast. (My roomed filled up with people, I was scared to death and he was out sooooo fast!)

With my second birth, I had a midwife that I just really connected with. She wanted me have more control of the situation. I thought long and hard throughout my pregnancy what I wanted out of his birth. Ultimately, I knew there was no way to "control" birth. I knew the possibilities were endless. I debated in my head for months if I wanted a natural birth experience, and even had a few coworkers try to push me into it. (a couple who had never given birth themselves). I had a couple of doctors who said they would offer me a primary C-section if I wanted one! Even as much as I am around birth and as amazing it is to be with women who have natural childbirth, I felt most at peace when I thought about another epiduralized birth. I had an elective induction at 40+6 with the above mentioned midwife. (First baby was spontaneous labor at 40+2) I got an epidural after a few hours of regular contractions, but I wasn't really in labor yet. We had agreed epidural before AROM! I hung out with my epidural and it was soooo relaxing. I actually commented it was like a day at the spa. My coworker gave me a great footrub, we had lots of laughs, I got to read a People magazine and socialize...then a few hours later I SROMd and the pressure feeling was quickly upon us. I went from 3-4 "but too high to AROM" to complete and +3 involuntary pushing efforts in less than 25 minutes. I was a little panicky because of the fast pace once again and had verbal diarrhea...somewhere in the midst of that while I was getting an epidural top off, I asked for surgical anesthesia (when they give lidocaine through the epidural as in to dose for a C-section). And they gave it to me! I was numb as hell from my boobs down and it was FABULOUS! No pain, no pressure, no ring of fire, no tailbone pain! It was exactly what I needed. He came out with great apgars, nursed right away and it was defintely a healing birth for me! I was actually kind of sad when it was all over because it was actually fun! Don't let anyone tell you what YOUR birth experience should be. Find a care provider who respects your choices. Natural birth really isn't for everyone. Know the risks/benefits of choices you make, make your peace with your choices and then it doesn't really matter what anyone else says or thinks!
post #16 of 66
Aw, you're not alone at all!

With my first I went in thinking "no drugs, no epidural". That changed quickly. I was so unprepared for the pain, especially after so many of my natural birth friends talked about how labor and birth was "wonderful", "orgasmic", and "empowering". Maybe it was for them but definitely not for me. I was induced for hypertension and the pain was causing my BP to soar. I got an epidural and it was wonderful. I was mad at myself for suffering without it.

My next two deliveries were somewhat similar to what MommaLauraRN wrote. It was decided well in advance that I would get an early epidural before AROM. Both for pain control and BP control. It was the best decision I ever made. My BP stayed down, I was comfortable (but not numb), and have great memories of the births. And all my kiddos nursed right away and were in no way sedated. I didn't end up paralyzed, infected, or impaired from the epidural.

It makes me so angry when people suggest that you are somehow a "lesser" woman if you dare admit labor was painful, or worse, take medication to manage the pain.
post #17 of 66
Yes, absolutely Alisa! I just posted about this very thing on Solace. I thought I would be stronger this time but no. I am ashamed but the truth is I so badly don't want to have to birth these twins I don't care if it means I get knocked out and they are born via c-section. I don't care if I get an epidural. I don't care if the stork delivers them. I just don't want to feel a second of labor.

You did not fail. My MW took it upon herself to tell me I was a failure when I transfered with Olive. Most days I think she is right and I think that is such BS. Why? Why do mamas feel like failures for bringing their babies into the world? Why should we? So what if it didn't go as planned. Stuff happens. Birth and life are not rainbows and butterflies no matter how many positive birth stories we read making it seem like that is easily obtainable. Obviously I am one to talk here but what I am trying to say is you are not a failure and I know what it feels like to feel like you have failed at something so important. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone ever.

I agree about the natural birth community acting as if birth is painless or at least always manageable. That doesn't empower women, IMO, it can often do the opposite. My MW was upset with me for being vocal during labor. The NB community really needs to break free of it's own stereotypes which hinder the birth process and offer little support to those of us who had it different then what is expected. That's the problem with birth culture across the spectrum- women are not being supported as birthing mothers regardless.

Here's hoping peace to all of us mothers kicked in the ass by reality.
post #18 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren710 View Post
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section.
Im a long-time lurker, love this community.

Ok, to answer the OP and this quote:

I KNOW how you feel.

I had an unmedicated birth, 2 weeks overdue, large baby and I was doing great during labour, according to the midwife. I vowed 'no drugs'and I did it.
But I had interventions the very last *minute* of my intervention-free labour. Due to fetal distress (wasnt going natural supposed to avoid that?) the midwife ahd to call in the OB on call and in a matter of less then 1 minute he gave me a 4th degree episiotomy (yup, that hurts unmedicated) and pulled my baby out with forceps.

Normally, people get epidurals for this kind of procedure. I did not, I stayed unmedicated the whole time. it was only a matter of 1 minute, and ofcourse better then a c-section (if forceps can avoid it, right?).

I feel cheated because I didnt get to catch the baby. Or DH. I flet guilty for needing forceps, like a failure who cannot do it herself. I know Im not. Its been 7 years.

I feel proud for my unmedicated birth. I will never forget it. It hurt like hell. It was unbearable.
post #19 of 66
Once was enough for me!
I gave birth once and was done.
I felt our family was complete and finished immediately after the birth.

Ignore the birth professionals, and the sanctimonious.

Every human being interprets pain differently, and enduring pain when it feels like suffering, is traumatizing.

Have fun with your two!
post #20 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by alisaterry View Post
I'm so hurt by the insistence by many in the natural birth community who say that birth isn't painful, when my labors were so aweful I actually contemplated suicide during the last one.
Same here. I hate birth. We absolutely want more children. I know that I will give birth again, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I don't know what form that birth will take. I'm not looking forward to it. "Dread" is about as positive an emotion as I can muster.
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