Anyone else never want to give birth ever again? - Page 3

[Ionlywantone]

I am never giving birth again.

Dear Alisaterry,
This is my first post on this website. I specifically signed up just to reply to you. That's how much feelings I have regarding this topic!!

I, for the life of me, really wanted a natural birth. And not to proclaim from the rooftops that I was the better mom over C/S ones! No. It was to prevent unnecessary healing/etc and I heard form others "Avoid a C/S as much as possible". I guess my doc didn't agree with that. It's all liability now and whatever's less risky for the doc. Forget if a vaginal is possible right? The nurse seemed to want to tell me more than the doc. The nurse said induction has a higher chance of C/S. What'd my doc do? Induce. And what do you think it led to? (Whereas my SIL got induced and had a natural, so who knows anymore).

I don't have a degree in the topic and I had to trust my doctor that what she said was accurate. After complaining about just back/leg pains at 39 weeks, she said come in she'll induce. Fine, I was dead tired of the preg anyway and wanted the pain to stop. What could go wrong? (haha) I didn't have ANY contractions yet that I knew of. When I got the epidural I almost died in pain it was so painful. Maybe it's not painful for those that have horrible contractions already but it was for me. (Has anyone else had an epi before any contractions? Was it horrible for you too?) I must say I am not the skinniest person (back there) but it was horribly painful; words can't express. And my DH could NOT be in the room to help me (more liability). I got to 6cm and stayed there, at least that's what doc said. C/S ensued. I felt like I was being ripped apart. I was put under - again DH left room (more liability). I never saw my son born for 1 second. I woke up and saw him in DH's arms. It was horrible. It took me over 1 YEAR to be able to bend again easily or lift anything remotely heavy. No one will tell you that. It's FULL ABDOMINAL SURGERY. I swore on that bed (before the C/S) just imagine BEFORE - that I would NEVER go through this again. I gained a ton of weight, HAD 9 months of morning sickness (the first 6 being so bad I could barely MOVE!), was up all night during preg. in pain and eating, and still haven't lost more than 15 lbs. nearly 3 years later (latter prob is my fault but hey I'll tack it on). I actually had my DH take a video of me saying I'd never do it again. And this it's 'oh it hurts a little haha' video, this was a TRUE statement taken before the C/S. I will definitely never let myself go through that horrible physical or emotional pain again, so help me God. I promised myself!!! And if I can't keep a promise to myself who can I promise!

Not to mention the fact that the birth isn't the end of it. I don't know if I have the toughest kid in the world, but IT'S HARD. As a newborn he was up every 30 mins to an hour for endless weeks, months, I don't know. That switching of day/night is just horrid. He doesn't listen at all. Time outs don't work (he's now 33 mo). God help us for potty training, he shows no interest. It's work work work. He's hit me, slammed me, turned my nails black dropping things, pinched me, and laughed at me in pain. (Probably typical but still). It's always been too much for me as a SAHM but I've done it because I love him and I have no other choice in the work aspect. He's a beautiful sweet boy (at times) but I guarantee you, you are not alone, I will never go through it again either. And it's not just 'birth trauma' it's the fact that 1 kid is more than enough for me. I'm done. I don't want any more work, pain, or emotional anguish. Not to mention as a SAHM I feel like most of the day I am a single parent. I am overwhelmed and will never bring another person into the world. I cringe when people ask 'so when you havin' another'. I can honestly say never.

I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I can barely do any hobbies. I am not joking when I say he needs something constantly. Most days I can't sit more than 2 minutes when he's awake. My personality maybe wasn't meant to be a SAHM but I really don't have much choice. He's tough.

Don't get me wrong, I love him and if you saw a pic you'd prob. love him too, but for me it's done and over. No question. I won't go through any of it again. DONE.

So I am that 'one other person' who doesn't want to do it again. PLEASE DON'T FEEL ALONE, PLEASE. (((HUGS))).

I replied specifically so you would know you're not alone. YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

Take care....

[HoneymoonBaby]

(((Ionlywantone)))

[Super~Single~Mama]

My birth was ok (I know, I'm not supposed to say that here on birth trauma board - sorry!!), but healing took FOREVER in my mind, and just wasn't worth it. It took my 12 weeks to be pain free from my awful horrible tear, 2 sets of stitches, and silver nitrate!

My BF calls me selfish for not wanting to do it again. I say he's selfish for wanting me to do it again. As far as I'm concerned we'll have another baby when science is to the point that HE can have the next one.

Ugh. Thanks for listening!

[homewithtwinsmama]

I have had six babies and had one die after birth. I have had two wonderful homebirths that were exactly what I planned and wanted. But, after this last baby a year ago I knew I was done. The pregnancies got harder each time with bedrest and preterm labor and every increasing morning sickness. And though I teach natural childbirth and do labor support, I HATE SECOND STAGE. I can labor all day and all night, I wouldn't even call it painful frankly. But, when that baby hits the birth canal it is excruciating. I have tried everything I can think of including waterbirth, which though helpful did not really change the fact that when I am pushing I think I am going to die from the pain. And so I decided then and there that I was done and I very much doubt I will change my mind. Would be tough since dh had vasec. and he already had and reversed on for me before. I love labor and birth and helping mothers find their way through it, but I never want to do it again.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by thyra

My BF calls me selfish for not wanting to do it again. I say he's selfish for wanting me to do it again. As far as I'm concerned we'll have another baby when science is to the point that HE can have the next one.

Your bf says that you're selfish, for not wanting to go through a painful experience that he knows he has no possibility of ever having to endure? Nice. I agree that he's being selfish. I understand if he wants more children...having children has been the driving force of my life for over a decade and a half...but to say you're selfish for not wanting to go through a bad time again just blows my mind.

ETA: With respect to the original question...I'm done after this one, but I always knew I would be. If I were wise, I'd have quit a long time ago, because my c-sections are destroying me emotionally...but I've always been too stubborn for my own good. I want four kids. I've always wanted four kids. I didn't endure secondary infertility, then miscarriages, for so many years to give up now...although the temptation is real...it's SO real.

[Ionlywantone]

Originally Posted by HoneymoonBaby

(((Ionlywantone)))

Thank you, I appreciate it. I am very thankful to know I am not alone in the fact I don't want anymore. It makes me feel MUCH better actually, so thanks to everyone for telling their stories on here. I love my son and I think kids are rewarding, but for me I am done. Happy Mother's Day!!:

[limette]

I want to get pregnant again but I'm not really looking forward to the birth. I also had two failed home births. Both posterior, with two different completely unsupportive (hostile) midwives.

The first resulted in a c-section. The second we transferred at the very last minute due to pressure from my midwife. Thankfully I had a doula that time and the birth (which proceeded identically to the first) ended in a drug free vbac in the hospital.

I ended up staying in the hospital because I couldn't pee and I had full bladder. I also had third degree tears and was in a lot of pain. A week after the vbac I became very sick and was diagnosed with a uterine infection. Sex hurt for months after.

I fought hard for that home vbac and was known in the medical community for insisting on it. I'm a little annoyed that I failed again and am not looking forward to another failed attempt. Also not looking forward to an agonizing posterior labour.

So yeah as much as I cherish my long awaited vaginal birth, it was not a very pleasant and I'm a little leery about doing it again. But I will..sigh.

[vloky]

I'm sort of relieved any future children will be ERCS because labor was awful. The c-section was the best part. Which I have made a thread about previously. I am sort of sad I won't be able to birth vaginally, but having another vesico vaginal fistula wouldn't be worth that. although a c-section is birth, but going through the birthing process is BRUTAL

[rsummer]

#1 goal of labor and birth is healthy mom, healthy baby.

If Mom is contemplating suicide, Mom is not healthy.

So how you get from point A to point B is really between you and your practitioner, and if other people think "selfish" or whatever, then it doesn't sound like they are very good friends.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by rsummer

#1 goal of labor and birth is healthy mom, healthy baby.

Untrue. #1 stated goal of labour and birth is healthy mom, healthy baby. #1 actual goal of labour and birth is live mom, live baby. Once the baby's out, nobody gives a crap if mom is healthy or not - and they won't admit most complications of c-section have anything to do with surgery, anyway - just that she's alive.

If Mom is contemplating suicide, Mom is not healthy.

True. Also irrelevant. Nobody cares. Mom's mental health only matters if any problems are ones sanctioned by the medical profession...and birth trauma isn't.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by rsummer

#1 goal of labor and birth is healthy mom, healthy baby.

If Mom is contemplating suicide, Mom is not healthy.

So how you get from point A to point B is really between you and your practitioner, and if other people think "selfish" or whatever, then it doesn't sound like they are very good friends.

Thank you for saying this. I so needed it.

Lisa~ I think the PP meant what the rule should be not what it actually is. Just my take. I agree with your assessment.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by magstphil

Thank you for saying this. I so needed it.

Lisa~ I think the PP meant what the rule should be not what it actually is. Just my take. I agree with your assessment.

Yeah - I think you're right. That particular phrase ("healthy mom, healthy baby") is one of my major triggers at this point in my life, and I'm afraid some of my ability to think things through rationally shuts down when I hear it.

[Down2Earth]

I always planned on having two kids, but DD's labor and birth changed all that!

My water broke and I wasn't in labor. My MW and the nurse said I should get pit because it would start the contractions. And once my body was contracting on it's own they would turn off the pit. That was an out right lie!! They also didn't tell me that once I had the pit I would have two straps for the fetal monitor and a bp cuff in addition to the iv attached to my body for the rest of my labor.

After 24 hours of increasingly excruciating pain, they said they have to insert a monitor into my uterus to see exactly how much pit I needed to complete dilation. (I was at 7 to 8 cm for 6 hours.) They said it would be extremely painful to have the monitor put in. And they said my contractions would also become much more painful once they jacked the pitocin up. Is it any wonder I agreed to an epi at that point?

It took another 8 hours to get to pushing. 8 hours! I couldn't have done it. But I had so much guilt. DH seemed to be mad at me. And I had a nurse tell me that it SHOCKED her and the MW when I agreed to an epi. She said she thought I would be able to do the whole thing natural. She didn't think I was in that much pain. Oh, I had back labor the whole time? Why didn't I say something? They would have done something for me. Wow! Thanks for not making me feel like a worthless piece of %$^& that can't bring her baby into this world on her own. I had to have a doctor rip my baby out of my vagina! I have no idea what it feels like to push my baby out.

So the 24 hours of excruciating pain, guilt from getting an epi, 2.5 hours of horrible, horrible pushing, vacuum, tearing, stitches, later painful sex and hemis...almost seven months later I still cry when thinking of it.

I so wanted a second child! And now I will never ever have that.

So, yeah, I totally understand hating giving birth and never wanting to do it again.

[Lindsay1234]

I WAS one of those homebirthers! Had the drug free, low pain first birth. The next time I had to give birth at the hospital (baby had heart problem) and I expected another easy labor. It was the WORST pain I have ever felt in my entire life. If I had had another homebirth with this 2nd babe, I would have transferred to the hospital for drugs. I ended up having a little fentinol and you know what? Im not ashamed or embarrassed. I will NEVER judge a medicated mom again, ever. We all have different births and labors and I now know first hand how different the pain can be.

You did what you were supposed to do, get that baby out of you. Youre amazing no matter what!!!!

[*Erin*]

hugs, mama. you are not alone. i also tried twice to have gentle, peaceful homebirths, and both times it didn't happen. my first one, my dd was large, and came out sunny side up, and i was cut. at least i was able to birth drug free, and i at least had some say so in the situation; my second birth wound up being incredibly traumatic, violent, terrifying, and left me feeling utterly powerless. i too never wish to give birth again. just the idea of it, and of being pregnant, and having to surrender my body....it makes me want to panic. it's so sad for me too, because i would like another child someday....

[guestmama9911]

I've been having a harder time with this lately because everyone else in my natural mamas playgroup has either had a midwife-attended homebirth or Unassisted homebirth, and a small number of them think my second midwife just had too many interventions, such as the castor oil, and that if I had just chosen a different midwife or handled things differently myself I could have had the homerbirth I wanted.

The first midwife didn't do anything at all, so I thought a midwife who did stuff might be more successful - letting things be didn't help, trying to intervene didn't help, nothing helped. The first time was quiet and intimate with just my husband and midwife. The second time I had a doula and was surrounded by trusted friends. Nothing helped.

But the homebirth world says my body does work if I trust the process. Why didn't I trust it? Why couldn't I let go? Why do they get uneventful, unassisted childbirths and I don't? What didn't I get?

I've stopped reading one of their blogs now because first this mama posted a long entry about how epidurals are selfish and then recently a post about how women with c-sections frequently make excuses about how theirs was necessary when it wasn't. I know she doesn't mean me personally - my liver started failing in the second labor and that's no one's fault and a definite emergency - but I feel bad about myself every time I visit her blog, whether it was intended or not.

I think the natural birthing world can be just as heartless and unsympathetic as the medical birth world. Both sides sometimes try to rob women of their intuition and freedom. Both sides blame the birthing mom and try to make her decisions for her.

Where is the true love and compassion that comes from simply saying "Mama, whatever you need to birth this baby as safely and comfortably as possible for YOUR body is the right choice?" Does it help to spare the baby from the effects of an epidural if the mother has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder afterwards? Is it truly selfish and wrong to believe that the mother's experience is just as valid and important as the baby's experience?

And am I ever going to get over this and move on?

[sandifromct]

I dont want to do it again either.  I feel very betrayed by the natural birth community.  I had a midwife assisted homebirth, and it was "successful" and on paper I "did well" (12 hour dilation phase, 20 minutes pushing, my son was born with perfect apgars, started nursing right away) but the pain was horrible, traumatizing, not manageable at all, and I had a horrible recovery.  I tore terribly, despite doing everything "right" (mother directed pushing, squatting in birth tub) and pushing was the most excruciating horrible traumatizing thing to ever happen to this body.  It was like being raped with a knife, again and again.  I was just screaming and screaming and screaming, despite having handled the full dilation phase quite well. I still have flashbacks 15 months later sometimes.  Thinking about birth makes me sweat and feel bad . . . how could women "have enjoyed" that?  That was horrific!!  That was torture!  that was the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me.  I feel very crushed, lied to and alone.  The natural birth community thinks all pain of natural birth is manageable if you "do things right" and have "the right methods" and "support" but it was NOT NOT NOT manageable for me and here I am with PTSD 15 months later.  I hate the image the natural birth community spread of this idyllic, its all very managable birth. It left me completely unable to cope with our birth and how traumatic it was for me, and I was in absolutely denial for the firs t8 months, until I had a very public breakdown in the middle of the street in Tel Aviv Israel!  I just started crying and crying saying "it wasnt empowering . . .it wasnt beautiful . . . it was horrible . . .it was horrible . . . so bad . . .just so so bad . . . crying and crying, and my husband was so relieved because for months he had been trying to tell me how horrible it all was but I just wouldnt listen because i had set everything on it, even when I had the natural birth I felt horrible about it because I didnt have all the "feelings" that I was "supposed to" (how how wonderful and beautiful and empowering tha twas.). hmmm . . . how empowering is it for you to be raped repeatedly by a knife, screaming and thrashing around on the floor?  I had fetal ejection reflex, I didnt even have to push, he was just coming out, and tore me in two and my vagina is now permanently defaced.  I will NEVER EVER give birth without an epidural again, and I am very very angry with the natural birth community for not talking about women like me and how terribly TERRIBLE excruciating and emotionally devasting natural birth *can* be and certainly *was* for *ME*.  :( . . . I dont know if I'll ever feel better. Every time I meet a "natural birth was great!" mama I just want to puke, and take myself into a safe corner and try to hug that young mom that suffered so terribly in that birth tub.  The tub immediately filled red with blood . . . it was horrible, I was just gushing blood and saw stars for weeks.  It was 8 weeks before I coudl walk without pain and at a reasonable pace.  I am so angry and crushed and hurt that the natural birth community believes I did something wrong because I experienced birth like that.  25% of first time moms rate birth pain as excruciating.  EXCRUCIATING.  why dont they talk abotu that percentage?  I feel so angrya nd upset and jealous of all those "it was totally manageable" moms . . . honestly, I dont even want to talk to them, even if they mean well.  I usually just turn around and walk away.  so DONT with those moms.  ugh.  Thank you for this post.  I love my son more than anything in teh world and we raise him "naturally" but having a natural birth wasnt worth the tremendous physical and emotional pain it inflicted up me and my husband. I would have had such an easier mothering stage if I hadnt felt so traumatized byt he birth.  Its horrible to be afraid to be pregnant again . . . I wanted five children and still do.

[TrumpetMom]

I just wanted to send hugs to all the mamas here in this thread. I so very sorry that you have had crappy experiences with your births, and I pray that each of you has found or will find the healing and support you need and deserve. My first two babies were c-sections, which left me emotionally and physically scarred, but I never really realized that there were moms whose experiences were so devestating that you don't want any more kids. I am also severely disappointed that you were either blamed, called selfish, or simply not given support just because you had a traumatic experience and it wasn't the way it was "supposed to be". Ugh. It is what it is and blaming someone for not meeting your standards is totally inappropriate and anything but loving.

Again, hugs to all.

[jenrose]

My first.. natural hospital birth. Early labor excruciating back labor, transition and pushing were work, but not exceptionally painful.

# 2... natural homebirth of a child with a chromosome issue (found out later). Huge head. Rapid labor, started in transition, pushing was excruciating and damaged me for months.

#3... asynclitic head never dropped into my pelvis and never triggered contractions, plus my fibro and other issues... we transported from homebirth to hospital induction at 41w, about 2 weeks after the perinatologist would have preferred I deliver. I'd tried everything my body could tolerate to get labor going, including castor oil, which for the first time, did not work.

It was my longest, most brutal labor... the pit was a nightmare. I labored for 15 hours with it and finally begged for an epidural when they told me I was still 7 cm after being 6 cm about 6 hours earlier. Because I knew at that point it was either epidural or c-section, which woudl have been a needle in the back anyway.

The epidural was terrifying and very ineffective, and although it appeared to the people around me that I was coping better, mostly I'd just given up. But it forced me to relax my pelvic floor enough that they could get away with turning up the pit enough to bring him down. 

Anyone who tells you birth "isn't painful" is looking at birth through their own very narrow filter. You know what? It effing hurt. Every birth I had. And I have all the training one might ever expect a mom to have. I've been a childbirth educator and doula. I've been at births. And I went through natural childbirth twice. Pitocin is a whole 'nother critter, and sometimes epidurals don't work. 

I can feel both very strong for having managed to get through the birth and push my son out, and utterly devastated that it went the way it did. And the hospital was about 95% great in terms of how they handled things, respected my birth plan far more than I expected them to... and it still made my cry just thinking about my birth tub to the point where I refused to come downstairs until my family packed it away.

I knew from about 8 weeks into this last pregnancy that it would be my last pregnancy. I hate being pregnant. It is painful, demoralizing, strips away everything important to me and if I have another it will either kill me or I'll want to kill myself. And every birth has been harder than the last, and I want to throttle people who say that subsequent babies are easier. My mom labored for 7 hours with me and 16 hours of back labor with my sister. I was 2 hours in transition and pushing with my first, almost 4 with my second, and the whole 20 hours felt that way with this one. 

I was almost a little disappointed that they didnt' do a c-section, ONLY because it meant they didn't also do a tubal. I wont' have sex again until at least one of us has permanent birth control. I cannot risk it. PERIOD. 

[sandifromct]

wow, jen, thanks for your comments. I have just no idea what the natural birth community is talking about at all. So wonderful to hear that you are both a doula and childbirth instructor and still feel birth was horrible.  Thinking about our birth makes me want to cry, even though it was the "natural birth ideal."  yuck.  I'm just going to try to get through the next one, using whatever means available there is.  And if its as horrible as the first, or God-forbid, worse we may be only having 2 kids.  That makes me sad to say that, but honestly I cant feel raped anymore by birth, deal with all the pain and tearing and bleeding and scarring.  Sometimes I feel like the natural birth community is smoking crack or something.  Do they really have no idea how truly utterly violent/horrible/excruciating natural birth can be?  Have they really never heard or seen of it just tearing a mom in two, with her screaming and screaming on the floor?   I am just so confused . . . so very confused . . .