Still at preschool, more freaked out than ever (me.)

[ZoshaMosha]

So, we've been at this school now for a semester and a half and DD says she has no friends at all and that none of the kids will play with her. My heart is breaking for her. I've gone on and on here at MDC about my dislike for this school and I feel like I've gone over every problem individually, it seems. You guys have been so amazing and supportive, and pretty much everyone here has said they would pull her out.

The problem is my DH really thinks the school is great and that she's getting a really good experience and that I'm crazy for overthinking everything. We've been going back and forth on it and DH is so confusing because one day he'll say he thinks she should stay in the school, the next day he'll get very passive aggressive and say "do whatever you want, I have no say anyway." And then he surprised me by telling me he had a long talk with a friend whom he greatly respects who confirmed the problems I see with the school--so now DH agrees she should leave...sort of.

But on this friend issue (and I promise this will definitely be the last time I post on this preschool, I swear! ), DD really is the kind of kid who gets along well with others. I'm not just saying this because I'm her mother and a little biased. She's very outgoing and very much a "joiner," she loves doing all activities and is very energetic. From my observation, she shares well and communicates well with other kids. Every single one of her friends' parents tell me how well they think she plays with their kids. But every day she tells me that none of the kids in her class play with her and that she is very sad about it. I just want to hold her and tell her that they are all very mean, bad little kids and that she is just too cool for them all (no, I don't say this LOL!). I really don't know why she isn't connecting to any of the kids, I can only blame it on a very esoteric vibrational mismatch of sorts.

DH says, on this issue, it would be a bad lesson to teach her to just run away from adversity. I say, screw it.

I have talked to the teachers and they say she is doing well socially, and that she does play with the kids. So, who do I believe? What I do know is that the kids exclude her from games and the teachers reprimand the excluding kids and call them "rude," which I don't think does a lot to change their ways, yk? On the contrary, probably.

I don't know why I'm posting this other than to vent about his situation. I've gotten so sick (literally, flu + bronchitis) over this situation and I've been stress eating and everything, and I'm just so bummed about the whole school thing. It's been causing stress is our marriage because DH feels slighted in the decision making process IRT our kids (he's probably right about that) and I feel like he's taking a stand on this because he can. He is coming to visit the hippie co-op with me next week (DH--not a hippie BTW), so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Thank you wonderful people for letting me vent here.

Lots of love and blessings to you all! :

[jillmamma]

One thought I had...have you considered hosting a playdate with one or two of the kids and your DD outside of school? See how that goes? Maybe doing that a few times would help her to get to know some of them better one on one so that during school she would have an easier time since she already has experience playing with them? My DD is the same age, and I know when she was having a tough time getting used to preschool and we did that with a friend who lives close by, it seemed to help her a bit with the transition.

[sadean]

Is there anyway to observe your DD's classroom without her or her direct teachers knowing you are there? Mostly so that you can see first hand what she is experiencing, how her teachers are reacting and what the peer interaction is. I think it would be helpful, regardless of whether you decide to keep her there.

I am in favor of exploring the hippie pre-school, but I might be biased My children have all attend an "alternative" pre-school that we love and that is best described a "hippie" pre-school.

[madskye]

I second the playdate idea. Have you engaged with any of the other mothers? At this stage, I usually make dates with the moms in her class that I like and then see how the kids get on. If it's a match all round move forward--but I find that having a friend over to our house, or going to the park with them, doing something outside of school--seems to cement the friendship. Just now, at 3.5, she seems to be getting old enough to pick her own friends, but I still think she needs help with the whole process.

I think regardless of your DD, you seem like you have a ton of issues with the school, and you are uncomfortable with having your child there. That's taking up a lot of your energy and respectfully, it doesn't seem productive. We had a great daycare for two years, but as her needs changed it didn't seem like a great fit anymore. I enrolled her into a very highly thought of local preschool and that didn't work out so well--it wasn't enough for her and I agonized similarly to you. We left after 4 months and went to a different school in January--and it has been much better from the get go. I feel like we've all been through the wringer the last few months.

I had a really hard time leaving the twee little preschool, but DH just laid it out and said "We're not going to be the first or last parents to try something and realize that it's not working for us. Move on!" I was worried about disrupting her year, but it doesn't seem to have made any impact but positive ones.

[Kristine233]

First of all, the teachers need to change the way they are handling the classroom if all they do is reprimand and say the children are rude. Not gonna work with preschoolers, its actually going to just make it worse.

The teachers need to take charge of the classroom and do exercises on playing together with friends or helping with "friends assignments". And don't misunderstand, I don't mean assign friends, but by this time the teachers should KNOW the dynamics of individual children and who they will or will not mesh well with. They can then encourage groupings or discourage groupings to help the children involved have a great social experience. I mean, if I know child A and child B are just going to piss each other off and don't mesh well I'm going to encourage activities for them that involve other children that do mesh well. Plain and simple, some kids don't mesh. Any teacher worth their weight can recognize this. They should be doing what they can to help children find good matches within the class and redirecting activities as needed to encourage this while still allowing social experimentation and freedom. And this is done in a way that kids have no idea what is going on, they are just enjoying their friends and activities.

If the teachers are not getting involved to promote individual relationships and interactions (vs just parallel play, which many teachers don't recognize as different than just play) then its time for a new preschool.

[CaraboosMama]

We switched preschools midyear and this was one of the major reasons - it was just not a good fit for dd & she was not making friends. Now she is in a school she loves. Social skills are one of the biggest things kids learn about at preschool....if that's not a great experience at the current school, I'd go with your gut and make a switch.

[mrsbrunette]

my dd is only one so no preschool yet but i can offer my experience. i remember being miserable at a particular school from grade k-2nd and i cried so much during those years. i just didnt click as well i could have with the kids even though it was obvious i had some friends there. when we moved and i enrolled into a different school a mile away, i was SOOOOOO much happier. i made friends with so many of the kids and not just a few like the previous school. in my case i was attending the "it" public school to be at but moving to a more middle class school was so much better for me.

[Murihiku]

Your DD is about 3.5, right? My son started pre-school at that age and every day we would ask him who he'd played with that day and he'd say "No one" or "By myself." But in fact he was playing with and making friends with the other children. Your DD's teachers say she is playing with the other children--maybe they are right? Is she volunteering the information that no one plays with her, or responding to your questions? Sometimes children are just too tired to talk to us about their days, I think.

I notice, on re-reading, that you do say that you know that the other kids exclude her, so perhaps my post is irrelevant.

Sounds like the other school would be fantastic, though!

[ZoshaMosha]

Thanks so much for allowing me to vent here!

She is very verbal about what goes on and tells me in great detail about how so-and-so excluded her and what kind of game they were playing and what the teacher did and how it made her feel, so I know she's not being evasive or hyperbolic or anything.

I also see how at drop-off time the kids she wants to play with play in some of the play-houses and put up barricades at the door to keep other kids out. I know this is probably normal kid behavior, but still, it just seems to me it should be part of the school's job to help set up an environment where including is the thing to do.

Anyway, I finally yanked her. I feel such a sense of relief, it's amazing. After melting into a gooey puddle of tears on the floor the other day about this, I think DH finally got that this is a big deal to me and is really stressing me out! More than anything, this is an issue between me and DH. He is very married to the concept of traditional education, though he is slowly slowly slowly starting to open his mind.

We are now applying to 3 beautiful outdoor play-based schools of various incarnations and I know we will all be so much happier.

Thanks all for your support!!!

[Tanibani]

Originally Posted by TeresaZofia

We are now applying to 3 beautiful outdoor play-based schools of various incarnations and I know we will all be so much happier.

woo hoo!!!!

Some preschools suck, plain and simple!

Some preschool teachers don't know what they are doing and do and say the wrong things (because they don't bother to stay on top of their education).

My kids have attended a play-based, developmental, parent co-op type of preschool and the Director is very much into promoting knowledge. They host an amazing Parent Talk series (all the great Positive Discipline authors have spoken in our community over the years) and she is CONSTANTLY hosting or inviting the staff to MORE WORKSHOPS to stay on top of their education.

The teachers in our program then teach the parents the positive discipline techniques.

I'm glad you are feeling better!

(My daughter has her best friend in her class right now and they are buds, but she also sometimes complains that so and so won't play with her. We encourage them to talk it out and problem solve. Sometimes the attentive adult has to be there to help them do it. I encourage her to go to a teacher or another parent for help.)

[ZoshaMosha]

DD started her new school on Monday and it's like a dream come true. I actually feel high every time I drop her off and pick her up. The funny thing is, I probably would have never enrolled her if I hadn't had this sucky preschool experience. It is a super small program--only 8 kids in an AMAZING home-based preschool. I probably would have thought the program was too small and insular and that something a little more, uh, I dunno, "schooly" would be better. It's like a home away form home. They go on nature hikes and play outside in the forest every day, they have yoga class, gardening, meditation, violin, swimming and tons of free-play. The parent community is super strong, all like-minded people, and the 1 teacher is like an angel who was sent to earth to teach preschoolers.

The very first day I took DD, she melted into play with the other kids like she had been there her whole life.

It is not a co-op, so it is very expensive, but it's only a tad bit more expensive than what we were paying for sucky preschool, money worth spending IMO.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by TeresaZofia

The very first day I took DD, she melted into play with the other kids like she had been there her whole life.

This doesn't surpirse me at all. The social problems your DD had at the old school were not caused by her.

It sounds like the old school had set her up to fail socially.

Originally Posted by TeresaZofia

I have talked to the teachers and they say she is doing well socially, and that she does play with the kids. So, who do I believe? What I do know is that the kids exclude her from games and the teachers reprimand the excluding kids and call them "rude," which I don't think does a lot to change their ways, yk? On the contrary, probably.

Since the teacher was forcing the other children to play games with your DD, they will have ressented it, so even tough they were playing, they most likely were very cold and made your DD feel unwelcome. A less socially adept child might not pick up on the coldness, and in less restrictive environments you socially adept DD probably would be able to walk away from the situation. Walking away wouldn't just let her get away from the ackwardness, but it would also prevent the other kids from veiwing her as someone they only play with b/c they have to.

[madskye]

That is great. I posted upthread, but sometimes preschool is just a round peg/square hole situation and changing it is the best thing.