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Negligent Cosleeping? - Page 2

post #21 of 46
That said, I'm sure I've broken all the "rules" at one point or another in my 9+ years co-sleeping. This is the reality of daily life

IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it though the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances
post #22 of 46
absolutely, as well as the need to sleep. i wasn't sleeping well when i followed all of the rules. we both slept better once i broke a few (sleep with pillow and open-weave blanket!). and now i LOVE cosleeping, wehreas before, it was something i dreaded.
post #23 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgia View Post
That said, I'm sure I've broken all the "rules" at one point or another in my 9+ years co-sleeping. This is the reality of daily life

IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it through the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances
post #24 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgia View Post
IME, we need to take into consideration the guidelines because they're based on research, but at the end of the day, we use common sense and our own personal experiences to make it though the night. We make the best of what we have in our own unique circumstances
ITA, georgia! well-said!
post #25 of 46
I haven't read this article yet, but I've read a lot about cosleeping in general, including a fair amount of McKenna's work, and honestly I have yet to see the research that backs up some of the common recommendations. Until I do see and have a chance to evaluate research on the topic(s) myself, I figure that they're a combination of "common sense" (which may or may not match with my sense) and that source's beliefs or prejudices, sometimes with a dash of CYA added (depending on the source and what litigious concerns they may have).

For our family, for instance, the idea to not cosleep with the babe between parents/next to dad, or when obese, or with pillows/blankets on the bed, because that makes it "unsafe" is pretty absurd. There was more risk to having the bed high off the ground, however, which we accepted for a while, then lowered the bed when we moved to a place with all hardwoods when Naked Baby was 7mo (and cruising!) and the risk was beyond what we were comfortable with.

It's good to be aware of ways to make the environment more/less safe, but "Do not cosleep when:" lists become problematical, in my opinion, when they start taking away from one's own knowledge and expertise on one's own family and situation. From the statement of purpose georgia quoted: "we recognize parents as experts... The family is the dominion of parents and children and authoritative knowledge rests with them."
post #26 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
and yet we all become mothers to babies who would like to sleep with us, and who in many cases we want to sleep with too, and IMO it's patronizing to tell us that co-sleeping is only really "safe" for the mothers who did/do things biologically "normally."

hope you don't take that to be snappy. i don't mean it that way, and i do definitely see where you're coming from; just trying to offer you another perspective!
I think it's patronizing to tell anyone that any activity is safe. Life isn't safe. Every breath we take is a risk. And yet, we keep breathing, because the risk is small, and the benefits are huge.

Where cosleeping is concerned, everything we do that interferes with the way things would occur in nature increases the risk to ourselves and our babies. The lists and guidelines that have been given to parents who put their babies to sleep in cribs only reduce the risk that their babies will die, it doesn't eliminate it. Likewise, cosleeping guidelines only reduce risk as well, and they're based on less research, IMO. Do I think that if you take pain medication before bed, have a high bmi, or sleep with a thick duvet, that you're going to kill your baby? No, I do not, that would be silly. I don't know what goes on in your bedroom, and neither do the authors of these articles. It's all just a suggestion.

My point was just that the suggestions are made with the smallest fraction of understanding about what goes on during sleep at all. We (as a culture) make judgements and recommendations for how to do things the "safe" way, when we barely have an understanding of what "safe" is. And yet, rejecting those suggestions as ludicrous because you ended up not breastfeeding or your husband takes sleeping pills once a week or whatever is equally ridiculous.

Maybe I'm not making sense, here, but basically what it boils down to is that the "experts" don't know much of anything, really, but neither do any of us, so we shouldn't dismiss something just because we don't happen to agree with it. Or, as is more usually the case, because we feel guilty about something that we are or aren't doing.
post #27 of 46
When I was pregnant, I posted a message on here about being overweight and wanting to cosleep... the wonderful people here allayed those fears!

We're very bad cosleepers... we each have our own blanket, I use several pillows, and my dh has sleep apnea. Ry sleeps between us, or between me and a couch. We used to use a bed rail, but mr. daredevil kept trying to jump over it, so we shoved the bed against a couch, which he sometimes rolls onto, to sleep in his own space (thnk side carred couch instead of crib, lol)...

oh, and our cats sleep at the foot of the bed, lol.
post #28 of 46
I'm one of the overly cautious cosleeping moms. I pretty much always have been (just had my fourth kiddo a couple of months ago).

So, our bedroom has the college door feel to it LOL. Mattress on the floor, up against the wall LOL. Baby sleeps between me and the wall. I dress VERY warmly myself in winter and then just have a sheet over myself.

I wonder if the morbid obesity warning has to do with sleep apnea? I know DH is *not* as sensitive, for SURE, to baby as I am. Because if he wakes up and he cries, DH does not wake up! Early on, when baby was waking up a bit fussy DH didn't have a clue. DH snores and is obese.
post #29 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by AGierald View Post
oh, and our cats sleep at the foot of the bed, lol.
Is that in the article too? (didn't read it here) No sleeping with pets? I can see almost if the pet is large/dog how I suppose it *could* be an issue. Cats are creatures of comfort though, they definitely bolt/run out of the way if disturbed.
post #30 of 46
I'm actually more careful about the cats on our bed than the dogs. For one the dogs pretty much exclusively stay at the foot of the bed. And one of our cats likes to sleep on my chest which I could see translating to on the ds' chest. So the cats are pretty much banned from the bedroom now.
post #31 of 46
I am a member of the negligent cosleeping club.

From the get go we slept with pillows and blankets and sheets and on a bed that was raised off the floor. For the first week my hubby slept with us but he kept sorta waking up and thinking that he had lost the baby when the baby was just sleeping on me or breastfeeding. He decided to sleep in another bed for the first month or two because of this. He once sat up in his sleep holding a piece of blanket, telling me he had the babies foot and asking where the rest of the baby had went. LOL He doesn't remember this.

We can't afford to heat the house to 70 or more day and night and my son refuses to sleep in heavy clothes and I can't stand sleeping in more than a bra and underwear either. We have a feather blanket and have never had a problem. Lately, he has been crawling in his sleep and sometimes backing himself under the blanket and then he flails until I take the blanket off his head or until he kicks it off himself. Oh, now that he is self-mobile we have the bed sitting on the floor with no boxspring.

Once, when my son was about two weeks we were in bed, him asleep and me reading a book. He starts choking. I roll him onto his side to clear his mouth of this frothy white foam stuff that he had spit up. He actually started turning blue for a moment. SCARY! If I wasn't there to help him what would have happened? If he had been in a crib alone in another room... Now I never worry about tummy sleeping (which was the only way he would happily sleep) and I am so happy to have found a group that encourages cosleeping when so many people are against it.
post #32 of 46
I would not allow an infant and toddler to sleep next to one another because toddlers simply do not have the same intuitions as the mother and they tend to move around a lot more and roll over things without a care in the world. So either my husband or myself is between the two of them while we are asleep.

But as far as everything else, yes we do all this. The baby goes back and forth from the left side of the bed to between dh and I, I keep the blankets to her chest and have pillows on the bed, etc... I think you just need to know how aware you are. I am comfortable with my momma cat being on the bed because she stays at the end, but I am not sure I'd let a dog in if we had them.

I am out on the ff'ed and obese issues as neither of these apply to me and I haven't read the research. I know studies have shown increased risk if mom smoked during pregnancy, so I think mom's who did need to know that and take caution.

A mom who is drunk or otherwise intoxicated certainly has no business sharing a sleeping surface with her child and absolutely there should not be non-essential extras in the bed - plastic bags for example.
post #33 of 46
i wouldn't be surprised if the reason some mama's feel safer following stricter guidelines, is because their babies need that to be safe.
i think a lot of our maternal instincts are there for our specific child.
post #34 of 46
I'm also a rule breaker...

have a pillowtop mattress, use a pillow...but sleep only on the edge of it...lo sleeps btween me and the rail, use a blanket that her little feet go on top of and it goesto my waist....bed is on a frame and we do sometimes let her sleep alone in the bed. I lived in terror for months reading all of the precautions...feeling negligent and every "it's unsafe" comment from my mother made me feel even worse....it's the only way any of us gets any sleep!
post #35 of 46
When I started co-sleeping with my son, everything (mainstream) I had read suggested that co-sleeping itself was totally unsafe, so I was breaking every rule to begin with. So when I slept with him, I did what felt right and didn't worry about any of it. We slept with a pillow, blanket, comforter, bed up off the floor, sidecar, the whole bit. Amazingly enough, he survived!

When we licensed as foster parents it was deemed that the ONLY "safe" way to sleep a baby was in a crib with no blankets or bumpers with bars at a certain small spacing and on baby's back. Poor baby. Glad I didn't listen to that advice with my DS.
post #36 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
absolutely, as well as the need to sleep. i wasn't sleeping well when i followed all of the rules. we both slept better once i broke a few (sleep with pillow and open-weave blanket!). and now i LOVE cosleeping, wehreas before, it was something i dreaded.
Yep. I really wanted to co sleep and followed all the rules to the T and I dreaded it. I have always had a difficult time falling asleep and all of the rules just made it impossible. I gave up and have gone back to sleeping in my pillowtop, full size bed, with DH and DS sleeps in his crib pulled up against my side. Lately, I have been "accidentally" falling asleep while feeding him in the bed every night. Especially after 4:30 cause I know he will wake up if I move him. I love it. It so nice and cozy and completely different than before. I have been feeling really guilty, however. sigh.

I keep him as far away from DH as possible because I have watched DH flop onto DS and not notice. He is a very heavy sleeper. I'm thinking about sidecarring.
post #37 of 46
I started co-sleeping without giving it much thought. I suppose I intended for my LO to use the Amby bed we got for our bedroom...
He was born at home, and the midwives just tucked us all in together, and that's how we've stayed sleeping the last 6 weeks. We're really "bad" bed-sharers; we have a pillowtop, high bed with a down duvet and cats that sleep at the foot. LO sleeps tummy to tummy with me, with my arm around him, his head pillowed on my biceps. He still needs help to latch, so he wakes me briefly and then I usually go back to sleep as he nurses. I do keep him away from hubby unless I'm awake and up to monitor, since DH isn't usually aware of the babe when he's asleep.
I credit sharing the family bed with getting as much sleep as I have since LO's birth. I can't imagine him in another room.
post #38 of 46
I think those rules are loose guidelines that don't apply to everyone or even most people. People have been bedsharing with their babies for millennia and something tells me that our bodies have figured out how to protect our babies from smothering despite the presence of such new, recent technology as blankets and pillows and soft bedding.

I don't know anyone who bedshares and follows every single rule, and I know a lot of people who bedshare. Just do what feels right and try not to worry about it. Don't be grossly irresponsible, of course, and use some common sense. You will be fine.
post #39 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by mother2eve View Post
Hi, I don't usually post, but after reading the last issue of mothering I wanted to get some opinions.
I was very grateful for the articles, and all the pictures about co sleeping, it really helps to see that other families have similar loving experiencing when bed sharing.
I was concerned, however when reading the guidelines to safe bed sharing. I realized that I didn't practice these guidelines at all! My DD is now 2 yrs old so some of the precautions do not apply, as they would for an infant. But regardless my bed sharing practices were pretty much the same when she was younger.
Let me explain: I have 3 pillows in the bed, a sheet, and comforter. She frequently sleeps between husband and I (as I get uncomfortable sleeping on the same side all night), Our bed is not on the floor. We frequently take naps on the couch (even when she was an infant). We side car the crib. And she sleeps in our adult bed, alone all the time...especially when she was younger! These are all things that designate unsafe bed sharing according to the article. Now all I need to do is start smoking and go to sleep drunk and drugged.
Furthermore, I'm pregnant and fully intend to cosleep with new baby, and don't plan on kicking DD out of bed when new baby arrives. But there are all kinds of precautions against allowing older kids sleep with infants?!?
I also noticed that many of the pictures featured in the article revealed similar practices (i.e. pillow, blankets, baby and child), so that came off as a little contradictory to me.
Anyhow, the long and short of it is, that I'm feeling a bit shameful right now, and wondering if I'm lucky that my DD didn't suffocate, or strangle or something equally horrifying.
Do I need to change before next baby comes?
Help!
DITTO. :
post #40 of 46
: I'm glad I found this thread. We began bedsharing BECAUSE I had a c/s and could not pick 10lb DS out of the hospital bassinet. Then they sent me home barely 48hrs post-op and I could not get in and out of our high, pillowtop bed without serious help, medication, and a stepstool. DS sleeps between us, b/c DH wants in on the snuggle action too. And yes, we sleep with all the bedclothes on. I guess I just trust my mommy instincts enough to let me know if there is a problem. I wake easily anyway, and motherhood has made me aware of every sound in the house.

I take every guideline with a grain of salt, but I am glad to hear that I am not the only one.
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