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Would you let your 17 year old date a 21 year old? - Page 3

post #41 of 139
No however if you don't allow it you have to be realllly careful in how you approach it. There's always a chance that you could push her further toward him.
post #42 of 139
When I was 18, I dated a 25 yo. old (and now I'm married to him!)
post #43 of 139
No Way.

My daughter is 16. She is nowhere near mature or old enough to deal with dating an adult.

I wouldn't have been at that age either.

Now, when I was 20, I dated a 29 year old. But, by that time, there was a HUGE difference in my maturity level. I had a condo, a job, had been out of the house for over a year, and I was more ready.

But, at 16, my daughter can barely manage dating a 17 yr old. Heck, she can barely remember to flush a toilet.
post #44 of 139
When I was 17 I had a 22 y.o. interested in me. My mother knew about it. She also said that once I turned 18 I could do as I wished but as long as I lived in her house and such that she would prefer I wait. She said if he was still interested once I was of age that she wouldn't object. She knew the guy. Had known him for years, in fact. I guess that is what I would mean if I said I wouldn't "let" my 17 y.o. date a 21 y.o. Turns out that at 18 when we did go on a date, I was still way more mature and grounded in my life then he was. He was hot though!

So, no, I wouldn't "forbid" it for the reasons cited in previous posts but I would discourage it until she was 18.

Jenne
post #45 of 139
Definitely depends on each individual. My first instinct was HELL NO! But then I remembered, I started dating a 21 yr old when I was still 17. I fully believe I was ready and mature enough. My mother believed that too. He didn't push me to drink (I already was anyway), and didn't push me to have sex. Well, not until my 18th birthday and I begged HIM for it. So not all older guys are going to be bad influences.

The relationship ended remarkably badly, but our ages had nothing to do with that.
post #46 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post
But, at 16, my daughter can barely manage dating a 17 yr old. Heck, she can barely remember to flush a toilet.
But see...that's what I mean about judging a person on basis of who they are, and not by their age.

At 16, I was working 30 hours a week, maintaining a B average in school, had a boyfriend, and still managed to flush the toilet.

My 17yo and my 13yo are very different. I think my 13yo is more emotionally mature than his older brother.
post #47 of 139
I don't have hard and fast rules about ages for anything.

However, my daughter was 17 when she was dating a 21yr old. Her dad (my ex) and really worked to be supportive of her choices and yet let her know how we felt about this guy. It wasn't just his age. There were lots of things about him that when added together, creeped both of us out. She's 19 now and I'm very glad she isn't with this man anymore.
post #48 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraBoo View Post
I don't have hard and fast rules about ages for anything.

However, my daughter was 17 when she was dating a 21yr old. Her dad (my ex) and really worked to be supportive of her choices and yet let her know how we felt about this guy. It wasn't just his age. There were lots of things about him that when added together, creeped both of us out. She's 19 now and I'm very glad she isn't with this man anymore.
It is my belief that if you had "forbid" the relationship it would likely still be going on.
post #49 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
It is my belief that if you had "forbid" the relationship it would likely still be going on.
Mine too.

That's why I didn't get upset about my 17 year old daughter dating a very nice 21 year old boy. She's almost 20 now and it seems to be turning out okay. I certainly don't think it would have turned out any better if I had tried to stop them from being together.

The 18 year old girl dating my 15 year old son was a lot scarier for me, but they're okay too. He's 17 and dating a 17 year old girl now.
post #50 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.
One thing I really wouldn't do is refer to a 17 yo female as a young girl. For one thing, she is likely done with puberty and a woman in every sense of the word. For another, 17 isn't 7 and young is not exactly accurate unless it's "young woman".
post #51 of 139
when I was 17 I dated (and married) a 23 year old who turned 24. I lied to him about my age when we first met otherwise he wouldn't have dated me.. but we got on well enough that he (with reservations) accepted it when I told him.

He treated me better than anyone would have, it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that age. I had a lot of male friends, I know what they were like at that age and there is no way I would have wanted to date any of them, and no way any of them ever could have been as good as he was. Just from my own little pool of experience
post #52 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.
Hm, in my experience the "losers who can't make a relationship work with women" are generally the 17 year olds... 21 year olds may have learned a thing or two about relationships already.
Though I am sure there are men like that. In fact, there are 40 year old men like that, who date 20 year old women. There are also 40 year old men who date 20 year old women because they find them attractive and refreshing. And maybe those 20 year old women find them attractive and refreshing too!
Also, ditto to what MusicianDad said about 17 year old females being called "young girls".
post #53 of 139
For me it would greatly depend onteh maturity levels of both. I would probably proceed with caution no matter what. But I think of myself at that age and due to life experiences I was much more mature than some of my peers and knew what I could and could not handle. But every kid is different.
post #54 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.
This has been my observation as well.
post #55 of 139
it would depend on the 17yo and the 21yo. whether this be a 17yo female and 21yo male or vice versa it wil still just depend on the individuals involved.. I also agree to proceed with caution, and try to stay involved without being invasive.

I graduated high school (with a highschool diploma) at 16 and was attending college at that time until I got a full time job and then was attending college part time. Everyone I knew was 18 and over, and to be honest, were all much less mature then I was.
post #56 of 139
I'd say, generally, that yes, if you forbid the relationship, it might drive the 17yr old further into it. But that isn't always the case. I think it depends on the 17yr old, what "forbid" looks like and your relationship with your child.
post #57 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunkissedmumma67 View Post
HELL NO! Men who want to date girls are always loser's who usually cant get or make a relationship work with women. So they go for young girls who don't expect as much and tend to settle for less.
I find it disturbing that you would make such a harsh statement about a lot of people you've never met ... including DH and I.
post #58 of 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by ananas View Post
I would, based on my own personal experiences as a teen (for instance, DP is 5 years older than me...we met when I was 16).

It would depend on the teen, of course, and the person she was interested in dating...but yeah, I would most likely allow it.
Iagree whole heartedly, it depends on the person and my daughter.
i was 17 when i met my 22 year old boyfriend. we ended up dating and it took me longer to have sex with him than ever before(i wasnt the best teenage girl). a few months actually. he put zero pressure on me. it was nice. now 5 years later we are getting married and expecting.

but again, this is a VERY personal choice. dont feel like you arent doing the right thing. she is your daughter afterall, and none of us here know her. Good luck mama!
post #59 of 139
I do not see much difference between most 17 year olds and 21 year olds. They are usually at a similar stage in life (young adulthood) - I think it is fine.
post #60 of 139
I think alot of it depends on the history of the boy/man in question and if he's interested in the 17yr old because of her as a person or simply because of her young age.
In my case I met and married my first husband at 17, he was 36 and divorced with two pre-teen children. I was (and like to think still am) a strong-minded individual but I was still inexperienced and so easily manipulated. I wasn't pressured into drinking or drugs but I was easily controlled within the relationship, especially when he used the children as emotional weapons. It caused problems as I grew older. I wanted more independence to finish my education and start a meanful career. He wanted me to carry on working three dead-end jobs, look after the children and do all the housework so that he could 'retire early' (by which he meant sit on his arse and do nothing either with HIS kids or the house. He didn't want me for me, he wanted me because I was young and therefore (in his deluded little world) easier to keep subservient.
I'm certainly not comparing the young lad to my ex but it is worth remembering that even though a 17yr old may seem confident and mature, she or he won't have the same foresight and self-assurance in potentially damaging situations as someone in their twenties.
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