Anyone work while DH stays home?

[MamaDelz]

So my dh was laid off and I think I am needing to start looking for a job..

That would mean my husband stays home and takes care of our kiddos, which has always been my role...

Anyone made the transition from being the one who stays at home to being the one working?

I am feeling a little jealous/apprehensive/nervous about it. Will he actually interact and do things with them or just want to watch TV all day? Will the house get clean (the way I like it to be)? Will I get resentful of having to be the one who has to work?

I'd love to hear some of you have dealt with this.. any tips, ideas, etc...

[tappinerp]

DH is the SAHP in our family. It certainly wasn't what we had planned before DS arrived, but for various reasons it has turned out that way.

I was never the SAHP so I really don't have any tips for you in transitioning between roles...I am sure that is hard...hopefully others can give you some ideas!

You will have to learn to be okay with your DH doing things his way. I am sure that you know this, but there are days when it is really hard. I have certain expectations of what I would do if I were home with DS and they aren't always the same things that DH values. Not that he isn't a great Dad and care giver- he is AWESOME! Just does things differently then I would (outings are to sporting goods stores rather than to the park for example ). In our situation, no, the house isn't as clean as I like to think it would be if I was the one at home- but that's okay too.

It has been amazing to see the relationship between my husband and son. And when I reflect on my own experience growing up and on the level of involvement my own dad had (or didn't have) in the day to day stuff, I think it is cool that my son and dh have such a different relationship than I did with my dad...

You can do this, it may be tough in the transition phase, and you can always change things up later.

[MamaDelz]

Thanks for saying what you did, Julie! Made me realize how focused I am on all the negative and not on the positive impact this can have on my kiddos. And yes, I will have to remember that his way is not my way.. wow, that is a tough one!!! He is such a great Daddy, I know we will be fine, just a new chapter in our life...

[Leav97]

I've always been the WOHP so I can't help with the transition.

My house is no where near as clean as I would like it. But, DH does a great job with DD. I do sometimes wish I could be more involved with their day to day tasks. At times it is hard to hear about everything they are doing that I don't get to be a part of.

[rivkah]

DH stays home. When my first two were babies, I stayed home (went to grad school), and DH worked. Since I am expecting #3, this will be a new experience for us.

The transition can be hard, but give it time--like 6 months--and things will probably work out just fine. Dads do things differently than moms, but sometimes that is a good thing!

I am not exactly thrilled about not getting to stay home with baby, and many mammas on this board would echo this sentiment. However, I just try not to focus on the negativity, and focus on being happy one of us has a job in this economy, and the fact that my children have a loving parent to take care of them at home.

I am not going to lie and say that this will be easy, but you are not alone, and it may bring a new cohesiveness to your family. I know with my family, I am much more sympathetic to DH and he is much more sympathetic to me now that we have both had the working and the SAH parenting experience.

[alinajoy]

Hmmm this isn't a simple answer... :-)

My DH unexpectedly lost his job when DD was about 6 months old. I had been a SAHM and had always planned to be honestly.
Loooong stressful story short, I opened my own business (baby boutique) to create a life for our family. He was at home with DD for about 5-6 months while I was working FT before he was able to find a new job. Now DD is in preschool (2.5yrs old) while we both work fulltime.
I struggle every day with accepting and letting go of what I want our life to be like and what it is. IMO She watches too much tv, eats too much crap and doesn't get enough rest... it is really hard not to feel like a crappy mom all of the time for me b/c I can't let go of these things. Now that DH is working it is easier for me to give him the benefit of the doubt (he does have three days off sun-tues though!). When he was staying at home I wanted to scream, it was really hard. I really resented his "way" of handling things (or lack thereof) because I just didn't get it! lol

Don't really have a point to this post I guess but for me it is extremely hard to not be able to have as much influence over DD's daily life as I want. I don't do that great of a job of letting DH know I appreciate what he DOES do instead of asking him when I come home... WHY the hell isn't she getting ready for bed (she is psycho overtired)?! WHY did she have juice jelly and pretzels for dinner?! and WHY is the f'ing tv on all the time?!

Wishing you all the best,
Alina

p.s. losing a job can be extremely stressful for a person. mine still is struggling with the whole thing (after 2 yrs) and i think he may be dealing with some depression etc issues. i thought he would be superstar SAHD and not working he actually felt worse, useless, no purpose etc which had somewhat improved since he started working again but.... still dealing with the emotional ramifications of his job loss

[MamaDelz]

Thanks for everyone's replies.. I really, really appreciate it! It is hard, but he is loving not working and we have some things in the works.. but the stress is going to be kicking in soon as our savings is getting gobbled up! So, I think I am going to start looking "just in case" but I DO love having our whole family together so hopefully some of our ideas for us to both stay home will start to bear fruit..

[laurac5]

DH is in grad school, goes in two days a week while I stay home, but is home with dd (5mo) the rest of the week. It's hard to be away from her, but I just remind myself that for many women, their version of working outside of the home is leaving dc with daycare workers. This arrangement is So. Much. Better.

In the evenings on days when I work, DH can share with me what she has been learning and doing while I'm away. He's much more cooperative than I would imagine a daycare worker would be as far as taking care of her -- we can come to agreements on everything from cloth diapers and EC to how she does and doesn't spend her time (we try to watch TV/movies in foreign languages daily, but other than that, she's never plopped in front of the tube).

So I guess what I'm saying is compared to you being with them, it may not be what you would want, but compared to daycare, you've got it made -- you and dh are more of a team taking care of dc than you and a daycare worker could ever be.

When you get home from work, you can ask dh how the day went (hint, hint, what did you do with the kids), and if you find yourself wishing he spent more time interacting with them, try suggesting some activities for the next day. He'll have to learn how to make the best use of his time, just like a SAHM has to learn a system over time. I wouldn't rake him over the coals during that learning process, but I don't see anything wrong with encouraging him to do more things with the kids. Actually, if it were me, I'd start sharing my concerns now. That way he knows it's important to you and he can prepare mentally for something other than "watch TV all day."

As far as housekeeping... I agree with everyone who said it won't be how you would have done it. I'm lucky in that I can make up for that on my days home. But I've found that dh will surprise me with what he does, and there are definitely some things he does better than me. So I just try to be content that the vacuuming gets done (which it wouldn't if it were up to me) and that some yummy meals get cooked and often enough the kitchen gets cleaned up afterwards.

And especially if this is not a long-term solution (it isn't for us), later when you're back to staying home and him working, you'll both appreciate the challenges the other one faces.

Good luck!

[babygrant]

My DH is a SAHD and I work as a casual but I get 30-60 hours a week. He had moved 14 hours up north for a job and then when that didn't work out he moved back. The boys hadn't seen him in a month so when he moved home they were so excited which made the transition easier. He is wonderful with the boys. Takes them to the park, to the pool, plays outside, does lots of puzzles, etc. He keeps the house super super clean, way cleaner than I was! The only thing he doesn't do much of is cooking. I usually make dinners, but that's ok because something that would take me 10 minutes to make would take him over an hour and I enjoy cooking. It's working out wonderfully for us!

[ZoeyZoo]

DH is a SAHD. He worked at home and I can bring in more money than he can right now it it was just the best move for us from a practicality standpoint. DH hated it at first and was calling me about how hard it was, can I come home early, etc. Now he loves that he has so much time with dd but I know he still wants to be the working parent. I ironic thing is I would love to be the SAHM but I can't see how we could afford basic expenses without my job or even reduced hours.

We do feel lucky that one of is able to be home and that we don't have to use daycare. I think our relationships are stronger with our dd and I don't think she would do well in most daycares.

Dh tidies up (i.e., dishes, toys, etc) but usually doesn't do much cleaning. He does cook 4 meals a week from scratch for me on top of small things he cooks for himself and dd during th day.

[MoOnFiReGlOw]

We did the same thing before I became a student. DH was frazzled by the demands of working and I was beyond frustrated with the children...here are some of the Pro's and Con's that I saw:

Pro's: Kids developed a MUCH deeper relationship with their father. I never realized how much he was getting cheated out of a relationship with them until I saw how much the children grew with him. He finally saw how much work it was to run a household and apologized for giving me a hard time :giggle: I FINALLY got to get out of the house and socialize! Talking to adults does wonders...

Con's: I usually ended up doing the majority of the house work along with working, he just couldn't handle doing the house work which started to stress me out. I had to get a new wardrobe b/c mine consisted of pregnancy and work out clothes, so we had to shell out some $$ to get me a work safe wardrobe. It was REALLY hard to stay with an exercise and diet program with all the junk laying around to eat. Especially when 'team excersises' had tons of candy as rewards

Overall I was happy I did it, it was really nice to get out and be different for a while. If we were going to do it long term I would have to prepare my husband a bit more for stay at home life and I'm sure a lot of our difficulties would have been fixed

[Aufilia]

My DH is a SAHD, but he has been since the start -- I've never been able to stay home. I have a "solid" job (well, it was until this latest economic stuff hit, now I don't know). He runs a website and makes some money off advertising, so he has something to "work" on as well.

He definitely has his own way of doing things. He's waaaay more relaxed than I would be, if I was at home. I suppose that's good overall. DD gets a lot of free-play time. He doesn't stress about her milestones because he has NO IDEA what they should be.

On the downside, he's bad, really awful, about getting them out of the house. He had only had experiences with playgroups (the moms weren't interested in doing playdates with a man!). He doesn't even take DD to the park often enough, IMO.

Then again on the upside, he and DD get along swell. I hear other moms complain about how they can't trust their DH's with the kids. Me--I never worry about them. I was gone 4 days for a business trip last year and 5 days in a row last week, and the only real problem is that the house is a total pit if I'm not here to at least complain about it.

The other downside is that the house is a pit. DH does very little housework and despite being home all day for like 3 years, dirt is still invisible to him.

[Krystal323]

dh lost his job last fall, and over the winter break, we went from:

dh working 12 hr days and me staying at home with the kids, homeschooling the older two, and going to college part time

to

me working a part time job plus going to college part time, the older kids in public school for the first time :cry: and DH staying home except for a college class 2 mornings a week, during which we have a friend over to babysit the little one.

issues:

the house is in shambles IMO--not that i was a star housekeeper--far from it--but DH won't clean the way that i did because he thinks the kids should help out more, or he forgets about X until it's getting out of hand (he has ADHD)

i feel like it's still "my job" to do the dishes or the floorcare or the laundry or the cooking when i get home, because it doesn't always seem to get done in a timely manner otherwise.
However--when dh worked and i was home, and i hadn't done the dishes, i bet he felt exactly the same way when he came home!

i miss the kids--my schedule isn't back-to-back, so often i am gone from 9am-9pm. i feel like a failure that they are in public school. i know my oldest would jump at the chance to be homeschooled again, even tho my middle child is enjoying school.

DH is really gettng to bond with the kids lately. he gave the little one a bath the other day, just cause she wanted to "splash splash". he's reading to them, and they go shopping for groceries together, and generally they are all having a good time together. however, i still wish i was there too!

this is a temporary thing for us tho--i will be done with college in may, and then it'll be *just* working part time. DH will have a good job by summertime, and the huge pressure to make enough money to eat won't be solely on my shoulders

i guess i never understood how dh felt when i was able to hang out with friends or go do fun stuff with the kids, when he was stuck at work all day. it's been (emotionally) a good exercise in "walking a mile in each others' shoes", and i think i will continue to work part time even after he gets another job. i have a great job and good benefits, and i think it's good for my mental peace to get out and "play grownup", even if i am doing it way too much at the moment.

maybe a good idea would be a "trial run", where you work and he SAHP's, and you both go into that agreeing that if it's not working for any of you involved (including kiddos!), you'll change tacks. good luck--this economy is killer--pushing people to all kinds of last resorts...

[Kristine233]

Dh stays home here now, but our kids are in school too. Its been an eye opener for him on what I actually did around the house. He's still learning the ropes. On day one of him being home I made him go with me to an appointment with DS's Therapist, an appointment with DS's Dr to discuss his meds, various places where I had to pay bills or run errands, and gave him a list of stuff that needed to be done that day at home and then reminded him the kids got home from school at 3. Then I went to work. He was ready for a nap by noon, lol. He starts back to school in June himelf, that'll be interesting. I was definitely able to multi task better... I did WAH, School and 3 kids (and over the summer as well!) Now the kids are in school and he still has trouble remembering that laundry needs to get done etc. But he's trying, which is all I ask. But he is more spoiled, daycare is available for him when he gets too busy or when he'll need to work on school work.

[MamaDelz]

Again, thanks for all the kind words, sharing the ups and downs, it really helps to hear how it's going for others.. Right now we are wanting to move to another town, so I think I am going to go find a job for a little bit to save some money and then he can start looking for a job there... wish us luck!!

[LilMomma83]

We both work and attend school, but, DH has more days off than me so he is home 2 days a week with our 2yo son. They do spend more time on the computer/TV than I would like, but, DH is also a lot more energetic playing cars and balls etc etc and DS really enjoys his time with Daddy. DH is not as good with multi-tasking, so the house is usually a mess when I get home, but, at least DS gets more quality time with my DH than he probably would with me (when I'm home with him in the evenings on other days I am always so busy doing stuff). The hardest thing is being jealous that DH gets more time with him than I do and he has been pretty clingy to me when I'm home (this is a new arrangement within the last 3mos since I went back to school).

So I guess my short answer is that in our case it does work, and everyone is reasonably happy with the arrangement...but, it is not our first choice of how to do things.

[dollysods]

My DH stays home "time and a half." Definitely is great at playing with our daughter--he cooks and cleans and such but not in as organized a way as I would like or likely do myself. But we get by and it is what works for us for now.
I have to resist making suggestions of things to do around the house chore-wise. I help with what I can when I am home, but mostly I want to hang with our lil girl. I am jealous of his time with her and all that unstructured time and of course he is jealous of the adult contact I get. We appreciate each other a lot and look forward to a time with more balance.

He does welcome ideas of things to do with our 15 month old as I am usually the one who knows about the free activites and am more creative. Also, keep in mind that it is much lonelier I think for SAHDs than for SAHMs...

[Ahappymel]

I was the breadwinner while ex-dh stayed home with the first. I was able to earn more and already employed (he was in school) so it just worked that way.
It seemed to work fine. He was great at keeping house clean, preparing meals and managing son.

In my current marriage, dh has been the primary breadwinner since 2nd child was born 2 1/2 years ago although I did work PT to help supplement income.
I returned to work FT 3 months ago (tired of struggling financially all the time).
DH has no summer work (budget cuts/education/CA). He is told his job for fall is currently secure but who knows? CA is in a mess and he is an adult ed teacher so it seems though jobs might be more vulnerable.
Either way, I too feel some resentment, some jealousy....some ANGER that he is awful at cleaning, never prepares food. He is just home with our son playing all day. Being home is MORE than that. And I was expected to do both and he should too.
Either way, I think it just required some flexilbility on both our parts and patience as we transition to whatever the future holds.
Good luck : )