Sexual harassment

[hedgewitch]

I don't know if anyone else is dealing with this but I am getting harassed to have sex and I don't want to!!! My midwife and doula keep mentioning (frequently) that dtd is a good way to get labour going. Thing is neither me or dp feel like it and the more they go on the more stressed and frustrated I feel!

We haven't had 'proper' sex for months, our choice. We are still incredibly close and intimate, I don't feel we've missed anything. I have been feeling too sore and he was too concerned about hurting me. We agreed to knock it off till I felt better. Now we are being reminded that sex is helpful etc etc but neither of us feel like having sex for 'medical' reasons. It is too personal and intimate and I resent the implication the my dp is just a big bag of sperm to be used for popping out our child! He feels really weird about it all and we both feel really intruded upon as sex is very personal and significant for both of us.

I really don't believe in having sex unless both parties are really up for it, that is fundamental to our relationship yet others seem to see it as this matter of fact thing. It is really starting to get under my skin and making me cross with people I need to be comfortable with.

Sorry for the vent, I'm just fed up!

[texanatheart]

What a bummer! Have you mentioned to them that it's not an option? And if it were, then you'd do something about it? You definitely need to feel comfortable with these two people, and it's a shame you're feeling intruded.

(Sort of reminds me of the nurse I had with ds1's hossy birth...she kept explaining all my pain medication options. Over and over. It was very annoying.)

[hedgewitch]

Thanks for your reply! I have tried in my own jokey way to say that this is NOT something I feel like. I have quite a dry sense of humour so have gone more around the subject like "Oh yes I am feeling so beautiful and comfortable in my body right now I can't wait to jump all over dp." They laugh but keep mentioning it. I'm not stupid, I got the message and I've tried to brush it off but the keep going on!

Thing is I'm getting so hormonal and weepy now that I want to cry all the time and so don't feel up to any serious discussion or direct confrontation. Normally I'd just say "Look, I get it, when this is something I want to discuss I'll let you know." Right now I feel like I'll just burst into tears. Just the thought of having to go to my midwife appt on Thursday (which means my little one still isn't out) makes me want to weep for an hour.

Ironically I might have been up for it if they didn't keep going on about it like it was homework or something!

[amydidit]

I hear ya. I have absolutely no desire right now to have sex. I'm just hurting too much. It's get so frustrating to have it constantly recommended. I'd probably just eventually tell them, "Oh yeah... we did it like rabbits. Still nothing." Just to shut them up.

[hedgewitch]

Originally Posted by amydidit

I hear ya. I have absolutely no desire right now to have sex. I'm just hurting too much. It's get so frustrating to have it constantly recommended. I'd probably just eventually tell them, "Oh yeah... we did it like rabbits. Still nothing." Just to shut them up.

Lol, I'm thinking the same thing! It's frustrating, on one hand we're told to listen to our bodies, on the other to do something that feels wrong. I might just try to nod along and say 'we've tried it all' but to no avail. I have to admit to feeling embarrassed about discussing it at all!

It's not just me then....

[birthangeldoula]

I know having sex is the farthest thing from my mind. I'm huge, uncomfy and generally don't like being touched let alone poked at.
I know sex is supposed to "get things going", but there are lots and lots of other things that can do the same...

[kdf]

Sorry you are going through that.
I know it is in the back of my head that sex would probably get things started but I am not in the mood and too sore to it. Plus I just think that this baby isn't going to stay in there forever so I can just wait for he/she to come on their own.

[3for_me]

What I don't understand is why they are pushing to get things started. Your body is smart and doesn't need outside sources to get things moving.

[mom2tatum]

I bet you'll feel better and they'll get the point if you outright say something clear like, "We aren't going to dtd, ok?"

[hunterofkyle]

Oh honey - I admire your ideals as far as not having sex just to get the baby out. I'll admit that I approached my DH twice last week (after not being interested for months) and my motivation was purely selfish. It was LESS THAN STELLAR for me ouch, awkward. After the second time, I decided that nothing was worth having these strange sexual encounters. . .I'll just have to let baby come on his own. In the past, I have always been pretty comfortable with sex all the way to term - but this time it just feels lousy. Stay strong - hang in there - and tell your midwives you and your DH are JUST NOT INTERESTED.

[galincognito]

i'm completely with you; sex is the farthest thing from my mind. i know i'm overdue and as much as i'm done with this pregnancy dtd isn't something i'm up for either. you are so not alone!

[JMJ]

That's just crazy! Your due date isn't even for over another week, so I have no clue why they are so eager to have your baby out. I really think nobody should have a problem with you being pregnant for 3 more weeks or longer if that is what your baby needs. Also, why is it any of their business if you are having sex or not? I would feel weird about people outside of my relationship knowing about how much sex I'm having or not having. Obviously, I'm pregnant, and that's all anybody needs to know. You have every right to tell your midwives that your personal life is personal, and you'd like to keep it that way.

[hedgewitch]

Thanks mamas, your support has really cheered me up. I feel a bit more like saying - none of your business!

[giggleblue]

tell them that you are taking evening primrose oil instead - thats what i'm doing.

[liliaceae]

I can't believe they keep bugging you about it. I'd definitely tell them that you don't want to discuss it any more. I hope that they would respect your wishes.

[jldumm]

for a completely different perspective.... its possible they are recommending it to help you feel better. (not that it is a reason to push it)

we dtd twice a day after we went over dates with dd, mostly to distract ourselves i think. any way it always makes me forget that my hips hurt... so once i get into it it does help me relax and feel better.

not sure if i am making my point succinctly, but for what it's worth most people will back off if you are clear about what you are feeling and thinking. you are uncomfortable enough at this point, i would bring it up to get it out of the way, so you can be at peace with these ladies during your birth.

[mom2tatum]

I bet you'll feel better and they'll get the point if you outright say something clear like, "We aren't going to dtd, ok?"

[koalove]

maybe just to quiet them down you could say something like , yeah, its too uncomfortable for that but i masterbate all the time (which would still accomplish the point, right?) and then they might drop it. or you could just very plainly tell them to butt out.