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Gentle Dicipline for strong willed children - Page 2

post #21 of 116
Has anyone suggested Siblings Without Rivalry? That's a great book, with practical advice on what to do when your kids are fighting with each other and how to create an atmosphere that facilitates working together, rather than competition. It is hard work, though...

For bedtime and naptime, how are you handling things now? What does your routine look like, and what are your expectations? Are your kids in separate areas? Can they look at books quietly in bed during rest time? Things like that might help...

dar
post #22 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by llp34 View Post
This is the book that saved my sanity:

Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie
what ages is this book appropriate for? i might check it out, too, if it applies to older kids (mine's 8).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Talula Fairie View Post
Thank you for your comment, Maia. I am so relieved to hear I am not the only mother who has thought, "why can't my kids be like this? why doesn't this work for me?!?!"

I'll work harder at acceptance.
i bet. isn't relief....well, relieving? seriously, my kid is one difficult kid sometimes, but at 8 when i'm having a hard time, what sometimes gets me through is realizing how intermittent it is now, compared to, oh, say...3. 3 was hard. 3 is hard for parents of typical kids. my goodness i can't believe i survived.
someone clued me to Louise Bates Ames's books when my ds was 3. i was sure i was raising a sociopath (it wasn't funny, then, though).
she is spot-on for age appropriate behavior. not so great for discipline ideas ("drop your child off at a babysitter") but for what's normal? it was a big WHEW. when i read "Your Three-Year Old" i almost cried with relief-- other people's kids did the same things, and so much so that there was a whole book written about it! and she's got a book for every year of age! whee!

oh, acceptance...do. but remember also that acceptance doesn't mean approval. just acceptance. you don't have to be a doormat either

hugs, you.
post #23 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by BonMaman View Post
I can identify with your frustration. This is me : and : feeling like I am . Makes me when my DS1 : with me despite all my efforts to meet his needs and those of his siblings. When I can't, I want to .

Awww someone else with a smiley addiction:nana::

Be calm with it. I know with Ds he is very strong willed It took him a long time to really see that it is better to talk to me about things. Now once in awhule he will just stop look at me and tell me "I am angery that..." Give it time Mama it will eventually happen
post #24 of 116
Here are some notes from connection parenting I think may give you some insight.

p135

If the only reason children have for not doing something is the fear of being punished, what guidelines will they have for behavior when no one is there to punish them?

more p135
we cannot control anyone's behavior but our own. true parental discipline leads children to self discipline.

more p135
though punishment may stop a challenging behavior temporarily, if the behavior is a communication of an unmet need, some form of needy behavior will persist. We cannot punish people into not having needs.

(punishment in this book includes time outs. they advocate time in's..ill get more into that in a second.) needy behaviors are temper tnatrums, whining, not listening, hitting, talking back, not cooperating, teasing, bullying, refusing to share, fighting with siblings, refusing to get dressed, name calling, hurting others, etc.

Children behave better when they feel better. Connect before you correct!

Here is how we have come to handle hitting in our house:

1) Stop the Hitting
2) Attend to the Hurt Child
3) Time In
4) Problem Solve
5) Restitution

Stop the Hitting:
You have two choices, move the child being hit, or stop the hand that is doing the hitting. I think which is best depends on the child. For my children it depends on the situation.
"Stop Hitting. I understand you are hurting too, but you may not hit your sister." If you feel comfortable with a "mad pillow" you can add "You may hit the mad pillow"
(I do this while starting step 2 - I am comforting/holding the physically hurt child during this time)

Attend to the hurt child. At this point I have already been giving my comfort physically and by defending them verbally to the other child, but after that short statement I have no reverted my full attention to the child who was attacked. "It hurts when people are not gentle with us. Are you okay?" (usually this is replied to with - she/he hit me!) and I say "I want to hear about you right now. Are you hurt?"

TIME IN. Once the hurt child is cared for, I bring the other child with me somewhere quiet and "away" to sit down. I then give info, state feelings, state needs, listen with love, and make my request.
*give info: Hitting hurts. You may not hit your sister.
*state feelings: I feel upset when I see someone I love hurting someone I love.
*state need: I need all of us to feel safe
*listen with love: I know you must be upset too, because the only time you are hurtful to others is when something is hurting you. I am willing to listen to your feelings. (then listen empathetically)
*make request: Are you willing to work together to find a safe way to tell your sister how you feel? (this leads into the next part)

Problem Solve: you have already begun this process because you have stated your feelings and needs and your child has stated their feelings and needs. you have the concerns on the table. Time to brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution. Write down all their ideas and your ideas (best to let them give some ideas first, of they have none then you can suggest some) write down all ideas at this time, don't evaluate - write down even the ideas you don't agree with. Once you are done, then go through the list. let child know how you feel about ideas and let them let you know how they feel. you can say "there's an idea. my concern with that is _____, so I think we will have to cross that one off, unless you have an idea how to ease my concerns about that idea? Decide which ideas you like, and which you plan to follow through on. A solution might look something like this:

In the future when you get mad, what can you do instead of hitting?
push
yell
hit a mad pillow
come ask mommy for help calming down
go into another room and take deep breaths
draw a picture about how I feel
tell my sibling how I feel

when you go through this list you may say "my concern with hitting and yelling is its still hurtful to others" these other suggestions sound like they would work for everyone though.

Step 5: Restitution: It is up tpo the child to apologize. I wouldnt force it. I would say "When we do something wrong, we can still make things right. We can apologize to someone by saying sorry. You may want to apologize to your sister to make things right again"

For less verbal children, some parts of this may be skipped, and some phrases may be simplified. instead of problem solving with them, you may just offer up some solutions and model them for the child.

When you see a problem escalating you can say to the child "do you need help calming down, or can you calm down on your own" for my son I say "calm down, or mommy help" he lets me know what he needs. if I see he says calm down but cant I will say "you wanted to try calming down on your own first, but you needed my help after all." then I step in to help him, we take a time in, but its a preventative time in, so we jsut talk about how we feel and what we can do when we feel that way. A preventative time in would look more like this:

Acknowledge: You feel really ... right now"
Validate: It's really hard to/when ..... , isn't is?"
Accpet: It's okay to (cry, say 'xyz')
Listen: I'll stay with you. I have a hug for you if you want it"

and then of course, give them the tools they need for the future.

You can also model time outs. instead of giving time outs, take time outs. when you feel you are getting angry say "im getting so mad! I am taking a time out to calm down." and do so. this can be in another room, or just sit down against the wall and keep to yourself for a few minutes and focus on being calm.

Children do what they see us do, not what we tell them to do. We cant control children, we can only control ourselves.

Connection Parenting p150
Parenting is a struggle because we cannot control children's behavior. When we see our job as that of meeting childrens needs we enjoy children, because we can meet childrens needs.

childrens behaviors are caused by their unmet needs, so this is solving the problem at its route. children who are action out are usually trying to tell us "i need more love" (i find this to be true with my children! I can always tell who my connection is the weakest with by who ishaving the most behavioral issues at the time.

It really helps to look at the bigger picture too. sometimes you may think something isnt working, because they arent responding to it that second, but these things take time. and it works in the long run. punishment gives temporary results only. it does not set our children up for success in our absence, or teach them what they should do. It only teaches them what not to do out of fear, not what they shoud do...

If you do yell or do something not so gentle yourself, you can model all you are trying to teach your child. You can Rewind, Repair, and Replay.

Tell your child "I am working on not yelling anymore. If I start yelling please remind me to stop by telling me 'talk to me like I'm someone you love'

when you catch yourself yelling, or they do, you

rewind "Thank you for reminding me to stop yelling" or" Oops, I was yelling. Let's rewind."

repair " Im sorry, you didnt deserve to be yelled at. what you did was not okay but yelling at you is not okay either.

replay: let's start over. I feel frustrated because I need...


It may seem like all this takes a lot of time, but it happens pretty quickly, and in the long term, it takes less time as our children learn and their needs get met and their behavior improves. Yelling/punishing may give short term results, but the problems dont go away. in fact, they may escalate because they are causing emotional pain, which creates more need in the child, which creates more of those "needy" behaviors.

I know its a lot to take in, so I really want to say that from what you concerns are and the things you have said in this post, the book I most recommend is connection parenting. It's an easy read, definitely a book you can pick up and put down, and easy to book mark a few pages that give strategies on how to handle these situations.

Remember, how we treat them is what we teach them.
Children do what we do, not what we tell them to do.

I hope this was helpful to you, I have more to say, but I think I've said enough!
post #25 of 116
I'm more on the 'parent in charge' side of GD, but still nonpunitive and nonthreatening. I personally love Anthony Wolf's books. His general discipline book is:

The Secret of Parenting: How to be in charge of today's kids, from toddlers to teens, without threats or punishments

And his sibling book is, "Mom! Jason's breathing on me!"

I guess if I had to sum him up in a nutshell, his technique is to disengage from the struggle - NOT disengage from the child, as in ignoring the child, but disengage from the struggle itself, because a lot of times kids will bring in things for shock value to distract you from the real issue at hand (like screaming NO at you when you're trying to stop them from hitting each other). You basically refuse to take the bait when they're doing stuff to distract from the issue, stick to the issue at hand, and then later address what they were doing to try to distract you.

His sibling idea is mainly to let them work things out themselves, if it isn't involving someone getting hurt. To NOT take sides, but talk to the 'victim' at a separate time to address things if you feel the need. To empower them to have their own relationship with each other without coming to you to resolve everything...even if their resolutions seem to be unfair to you, they have their own ideas about what they'll accept and what they won't as THEIR kind of fair. But that part usually is for older kids, so I'm still wrkingon helping them figure things out cause mine are 5 and 2-1/2.

Soooooooo. If they are hitting at each other. I physically get in between then and say something like, "WOAH, not OK! This is not a great way to solve whatever the problem is!" Then I talk with both of them and figure out the problem, and help them talk to each other about solving it - help them get out into the open what each one was trying to do, and figure out something that works for both of them. If one of them is sassy, I ignore it, or just say, "That's rude, and I don't like it." and drop that part. Then later in the day, or at bedtime, I'll talk to them calmly about how it's OK to be mad, but not OK to talk like that to each other or to me.


As for other stuff, my general mode is:
1) Make the request once, maybe twice.
2) Go to them and help make it happen, while repeating the request. Tell them what they could do instead next time.
3) If they wig out, validate their upset and empathize, and explain about the situation again briefly.
4) Drop it, and move forward with the day/activity/whatever.
5) Later on in the day, talk about the situation and how it could have been better handled.

I guess basically what I'm trying to do is replace the undesireable behaviors with more desireable ones....not have them behaving to avoid being caught or punished for doing something.

Hope this helps.
post #26 of 116
what you say sounds similiar to me only I see myself as the parent who works with my kids not the parent who does things to my kids. but overall, sounds like we handle things very similar 4ofus
post #27 of 116
Oh, I work with them a lot - it's just not a dealbreaker to me if I have to pull rank after I've tried for a couple minutes to work things out with them. And I agree, our households probably look pretty similar day to day.

And it's funny about the "with" vs "to" thing, because I'm usually saying that people probably thing I'm not "doing" anything when I discipline my kids in public because I'm not doing anything TO them, that is, I'm not punishing them. And I also write about working with the kids thorugh their phases instead of trying ot extinguish them.

I think, probably the main thing keeping me from being an actual CL parent is that I don't always think that there's something else to try to make things work out - frankly, I'm not patient enough for that - if I spend a couple minutes trying to work things out and they're not responding, I just make a decision (that is the path of least resistance) and go with it. I'll empathize and validate, but move forward nonetheless.
post #28 of 116
oh im sorry you seemed to have misunderstood my comment. I wasn't saying your approach was a "to" not a "with" approach. I was saying our approach is a uncannily unlike! just that I refer to mine as the "with not to" approach and you refer to yours and the "parent in charge" approach but we are really doing many of the same things! ETA: this is still coming out wrong lol - clarifying. we are both parents who use a "with not to" approach. but that's what I see my approach as where you call yours a parent in charge. If you are the parent in charge who does with not to, I don't know my equivalent to that. I don't know what "end" im on, im not CL, maybe I lean that way on some issues, but I guess the closest I can get is im not a parent who is in control I am parent who is teaching her children self control? I think its the same thing in the end (based on the way you approach and I approach it), we are just getting to the same end point with a different way of looking at it.

PS - I'm not a CL parent either, despite how it may sound by some of my posts, I have had a shift in thinking that makes me look at things from more of a CL point of view, but I can't find a way to practice it fully in a way that is practical in my family. we'll see what the future brings, we are always growing!

I just don't look at is as my "pulling rank" but I think the bottom line so to speak is the same in my family as it is in yours
post #29 of 116
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I guess technically I do do things TO them because I make them do things they don't want to do sometimes (and sometimes this involves me physically moving them - gently, but moving them nonetheless)....however, I don't do things TO them in the sense that I don't punish them, or threaten to punish them in order to get them to comply with me. Does that make sense?

I love thinking about this stuff, so I've been enjoying this - I wasn't offended at all, I probably read too much into your post.
post #30 of 116
I guess in that sense I do things to them too, as you can probably tell by my post, as I will take the hand that is hitting to stop the hitting, I will move the child who is being hit, I will pick them up and move them into another rooms, etc. I guess it's not a real issue for me because they either 1) they are already upset so I dont feel they are upset by my touching them or 2) it seems when I get involved they immediately calm down. its almost as if they are thankful I have arrived to help...

but when I say that you and I don't do "to" then I mean that you and I dont threaten or punish - so yes you made sense. I was just thinking how even though you and I think of our approach in different lights, to an outsider it must look like we are doing the exact same thing.
post #31 of 116
I'm back. I'm been thinking about you and your strong willed children, they are only 5 and 3? So young. It's important to get things under control. I'm going to use a word that I almost never use, the word never.

I think my most important tip would be to never punish. NEVER. No time-outs. Punishments do not teach good behavior. At best they will stop bad behavior. Stubborn kids will hate the parent for punishing them and hate the other child. Hate sounds like a hard word but the feeling may become hate as the child gets older. Punishment doesn't work for any child and it really does bad things for a stubborn child. It's OK for mothers to take time outs.

Never use threats. You don't have to make threats. You are the mamma, the one in control, the one many times bigger. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Then do it.

Try minimizing chances of misbehavior. Don't give kids juice so they can spill on the carpet. Don't leave out stuff so they can mark up TV. You probably don't have to worry about the cat. Usually they get away if they are getting hurt.

If they are running into the street get the little harnesses and leashes. These can be used in grocery stores also. They aren't very expensive. Go into problem solving mode. Become smarter than the 3 and 5 year olds that have taken over your house.

Something parents trying to be good parents or trying to do gentle discipline will give mini-lectures. It doesn't work with most kids, it really doesn't work with out of control kids. You may need to step in and stop behavior. If they are throwing a toy, take the toy away or the child away.

I was looking for the name of the other book by Elizabeth Crary and it is Love & Limits. It's small and $10 at full price - great deal! She now has classes about a system she talks about in the book called STAR. If you go to www.starparenting.com you can find out more info.

As you and your children get more under control you will find much of what you were thinking was being stubborn was misbehavior. Being strong willed is different.
post #32 of 116
I was looking over everything and I think maybe you thought I thought from my last post that you thought spanking is OK (a lot of thoughts!). I didn't think that and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings

You ask if gentle parenting works for people who are gentle and patient. I too was abused and raised by authoritarian parents. I didn't think I could have children and became pregnant the first time I tried before a surgery that would have left me unable to have children.

This was the late 70's. I decided to be different than my mother. I found LLL and Mothering Magazine. Without Spanking and Spoiling and William and Martha Sears influenced my early parenting. I became gentle and patient but am still strong willed. If backed into a corner I am stubborn. I went back to graduate school and finished masters degrees in adult education and health education and have almost finished a masters in counseling psychology and a doctorate in science education (I guess my education is the stubborn part). I have a grandson that is 6 months old.
post #33 of 116
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar View Post
Has anyone suggested Siblings Without Rivalry? That's a great book, with practical advice on what to do when your kids are fighting with each other and how to create an atmosphere that facilitates working together, rather than competition. It is hard work, though...

For bedtime and naptime, how are you handling things now? What does your routine look like, and what are your expectations? Are your kids in separate areas? Can they look at books quietly in bed during rest time? Things like that might help...

dar
I lay down with my 3 year old and put the 4 year old in her own bed (this is new, I used to just lay down in the bed with both of them). The 4 year old almost always has a fit if I try this during the day, whether in her bed or in our bed. Laying down and being quiet is ok, and she knows that. It often takes a lot of talking and attempting to reason with her to get her to do it, though, and it's exhausting. She used to just lay down no problem if I made sure it was the right time every day, but now that my husband works nights and is home during the day, they have started resisting naps.

The 3 year old flips out over naps almost every time lately, until she is utterly exhausted, finally melts down and (usually) agrees to nap. Other times I have to lay down with her and let her scream for what feels like an eternity until she finally passes out.

It's the 4 year old that will refuse to lay down on occasion, though. She used to do it EVERY SINGLE TIME, day and night, twice a day every day. At least things are not that bad now.
post #34 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
Here are some notes from connection parenting I think may give you some insight...
Thank you for these! :


Quote:
Originally Posted by SunShineSally View Post
Awww someone else with a smiley addiction:nana::
Sometimes I think in smileys.
post #35 of 116
In my experience with my kids (and from what I've heard from loads of other moms), when getting them down for a nap took more energy and took longer timewise than they would sleep for the nap, and starting messing with bedtime, it was time to ditch naps. Quiet playtime (reading, drawing, snuggled on the couch watching a movie) for a while so mom has a little break, sure. A little extra cranky in the evenings for a few weeks while they adjusted, yep. A much shorter (like, 30-45-minute) nap if they really really seemed to need it on a particularly hard day? OK. But dropping the nap was loads better than the daily battle to try to get someone to sleep who doesn't want to sleep, screwing up bedtime, and winding up with less net sleep hours per day, IMO.

Of course, my kids stopped napping at 26 and 28 months respectively, so the concept of a 3 or 4 year old napping is completely foreign to me.



Oh, and re: calm and patient parents parenting calm and patient kids gently, while I was a very calm and naturally compliant child (I joke with my parents sometimes that they slipped me sedatives in my dinner every night, I was so low key as a kid)....my own children, well, are not calm and patient by their natures (thanks, DH's DNA. ). Soooo.....if they were calm and compliant by nature like I was as a kid, this GD thing would be a BREEZE. I also remind my mom that she has no idea how easy she had it with me. IMO, GD can be difficult with your typical active, opinionated kid. I find myself getting to boiling points that I never knew I had, and certainly didn't witness from my parents as a child (they were like Mr. and Mrs. Rogers : ). I guess my point is that if I, who had a totally gentle (firm, but gentle) upbringing can find myself on the brink sometimes, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for adults who grew up in non-gentle/punitive households. My hats are TRULY off to anyone who breaks that cycle (including my husband : , who had a pretty punitive upbringing and has broken that cycle with our children).
post #36 of 116
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
In my experience with my kids (and from what I've heard from loads of other moms), when getting them down for a nap took more energy and took longer timewise than they would sleep for the nap, and starting messing with bedtime, it was time to ditch naps. Quiet playtime (reading, drawing, snuggled on the couch watching a movie) for a while so mom has a little break, sure. A little extra cranky in the evenings for a few weeks while they adjusted, yep. A much shorter (like, 30-45-minute) nap if they really really seemed to need it on a particularly hard day? OK. But dropping the nap was loads better than the daily battle to try to get someone to sleep who doesn't want to sleep, screwing up bedtime, and winding up with less net sleep hours per day, IMO.

Of course, my kids stopped napping at 26 and 28 months respectively, so the concept of a 3 or 4 year old napping is completely foreign to me.


If I do that, as I explained, I spend the ENTIRE REST OF THE DAY listening to them scream, melt down, and harass eachother over every little thing. Not napping is NOT AN OPTION. They turn into miserable children when they don't nap.

The other problem I am having seems like a little one, but it's become a huge issue. The kids are drawing all over my walls. Several will have to be repainted and we will likely have to pay to get one of the doors replaced because they COLORED ALL OVER IT WITH A SHARPEE. They found it in a drawer leftover from when we moved and covered several walls and our bookcase with it before I could even catch them. Later they colored every single room in the house (and when I say every single room, I literally mean, every single room) over time. I kept taking away their markers and crayons becuase I didn't know what else to do. It took a team of about 10 people to help me scrub it all off.

Now I have started letting them color again (they have TONS of drawing paper and coloring books to choose from) and guess what? They immediately colored on the walls. Both in their bedroom and now a huge section of the kitchen. They use cheap paint (very cheap) at our housing complex, and it's gotten to the point where half of it is scrubbed off and I'm going to have to repaint my walls. Nevermind the fact that I'm sick, 5 months pregnant, and really having a hard time just keeping my head above water let alone scrubbing the walls. What is the gentle way to handle things like this? And I swear, if someone says "redirect them to their coloring books" I will scream out loud. THEY KNOW THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO COLOR ON THE WALLS! They have tons of other options to color on.

AHHHHHH!!!! I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!! Why is parenting so hard? I don't even enjoy it much anymore. I know this is a hard time and this is a hard age, but I'm just at my wits end with them.
post #37 of 116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Talula Fairie View Post
What is the gentle way to handle things like this? And I swear, if someone says "redirect them to their coloring books" I will scream out loud.
I would take away ALL of the writing/marking instruments and keep them in a box that locks with a key. They could earn the use of them back by helping to clean the walls, and not until ALL of the walls are cleaned, so we are truly starting with a "clean slate". When they get the use of them back, it would be ONE writing instrument at a time, with a timer set for five minutes. One kid at a time if necessary. If they use them properly for five minutes, next time they get them for seven minutes. If they don't use them properly...meaning they color on something they shouldn't again....they get to help me clean it. If they mark on the walls and refuse to help clean it, they get a time out alone for as long as it takes me to clean it, and don't get to use the writing instruments again until I get an apology and promise to use them properly next time. And we repeat the experiment with the timer again, and with enough supervision that the second the limits are disregarded, the consequences begin. For as many times as it takes to learn that the only way they get to use them is on paper, and that EVERY time they go outside of these limits, there are immediate consequences and they will lose the use of them until amends are made.

I am sure what I would do will not meet someone else's idea of gentle. But this is what I would do. It would work for me more than it would work to have my walls colored on. It would train them to use those tools within the boundaries that are acceptable to me. Eventually they would be using those tools in a way I could live with. Or they would not be using them, and I could live with that too, until they were ready to use them on my terms. At my house, this approach would be way gentler than what would happen if our kids were coloring on the walls and I did not have a strategy for how to deal with and and just got screaming mad each time.
post #38 of 116
Thread Starter 
I ended up putting them on a one minute time out so I could cool off, and they "helped" me attempt to clean the walls, but I gave up after a half hour becuase it was 9 in the morning and my fingers were getting sore. I'm going to have my husband do the rest. I explained to them that coloring on the walls is not ok, and that they can color in their coloring books or on paper if they want to color. I told them I would take away their crayons if they do it again. They seemed to get it? I don't know if it's "gentle" to threaten, but it's actually not a threat, I really will take away their crayons (again) next time.
post #39 of 116
My dp is a very calm, patient person. I am not. lol. My parenting is very similar to The4ofUs's parenting (except my 2nd is still gestating ). I NEED to have a "parent in charge" style in order to stay calm and nice, and avoid yelling/shaming/other bad things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
I'm more on the 'parent in charge' side of GD, but still nonpunitive and nonthreatening. I personally love Anthony Wolf's books. His general discipline book is:

The Secret of Parenting: How to be in charge of today's kids, from toddlers to teens, without threats or punishments
I was totally planning on recommending this book!


Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post
I think my most important tip would be to never punish. NEVER. No time-outs. Punishments do not teach good behavior. At best they will stop bad behavior.
I agree with this, for the most part. I think punishments teach kids to "behave" for self centered reasons (ie, the difference between "I won't hit because I don't want a time out" and "I won't hit because it hurts to be hit.") And it undermines connection, which is, imo, the most important base for discipline.

However, I would understand someone using a TO as a last resort to deal with hitting or other similar behaviors. (I don't think it's a great idea, but I know that hitting etc, is really really frustrating for me, and causes a LOT of anger inside me. So I could see how, in some situations, after trying everything else, the main goal would be to just STOP the hitting, even if the motivation is self centered.) I think it could backfire, and would add another "layer" of issues that need to be worked through, though.
post #40 of 116
Thread Starter 
Most of the time, I use TOs when *I* am about to lose it. And they're often quick. I always, always explain to them why we don't hit and tell (not make) them apologize to their sibling and give them a hug afterwards. It's frustrating though, becuase it feels like I'm not getting any results.
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