I still have a hard time telling the story outloud in real life. I have avoided it so far and even though I want to talk about, I don't feel like I can. I don't think I have depression or anything, but I tend to cry if I do think about it too much. It doesn't consume my life or anything, but I really do cry if I think back to the experience and I'm not crying in a 'good way'. I really feel as if I am scared to ever have another child. This was my second vbac but first homebirth and I know that the issue isn't that it was a vbac or it was a homebirth, but I think it's just how the birth unfolded as a whole. I say that the birth sucked, but I realize it would have sucked just as much in the hospital so I don't "blame" the homebirth for that. The labor was intense, the contraction pain was worse than the pit contractions I had with my first child, I could hardly move afterwards, I disliked some of the things my MW did, etc.
I think a big part is that I think I put the needs of my DH above my needs in selecting a MW. He was not comfortable with the idea of a homebirth and I needed someone who would be willing to tell him, when necessary, that he was full of crap ("everyone else goes to the hospital so it must be safer"). The MW I selected had no problem doing that and she was able to put him at ease. However, I don't think she was what I needed. I think I needed someone who would be more involved. I posted here about her always being late, appts were constantly rescheduled, she didn't respond to my emails, etc. I really had last minute doubts that I even wanted her at my birth and I really wondered if she'd even show up in time. I honestly thought about switching back to a hospital birth as late as Dec 1. I called my DH in tears saying that I wasn't sure I wanted the MW there. He called my doula to talk to her about it, but she happened to be at a birth that night. By the next morning, I had settled down, but still had doubts. I had no doubts about her clinical skills and knowledge and I think that's why I stayed with her.
My child is 12 weeks old and I still haven't had a 6 week post partum visit with her so that I can talk to her about it and ask questions. She keeps needing to cancel and reschedule. One week it was a birth, another time it was the weather, another time she was sick, meetings, etc. Just as with the prenatal visits, it always seems to be something. Some of it is out of anyone's control like the weather and babies and there's not much you can do about that. She dropped off the insurance claim form so that I could submit that, and she said she'd stop by the following Monday on her way back from a meeting north of where I live, but she never called or stopped by and I haven't heard from her since. The stitches she put in didn't dissolve and I ended up having the backup OB take them out when I was there for something else. I didn't go there for that purpose, but figured since I was there, I'd ask him to take them out. He was oK with it and took them out. It wasn't her "fault", but sometimes the stitches don't dissolve.
At this point, I don't think I will try to set up another appt. I'd love to talk, but I guess I see that the ball in her court and she can call me if she wants to. Unfortunatly, I get the feeling she doesn't want to. I heard such good things about her that I guess I was expecting more from a homebirth MW. I just don't feel she was any more open/available to talk to than the OB I was using. I feel like his office was more open regarding questions than she was. Like I said earlier, I guess she just wasn't what I needed in a MW.
I think a big part is that I think I put the needs of my DH above my needs in selecting a MW. He was not comfortable with the idea of a homebirth and I needed someone who would be willing to tell him, when necessary, that he was full of crap ("everyone else goes to the hospital so it must be safer"). The MW I selected had no problem doing that and she was able to put him at ease. However, I don't think she was what I needed. I think I needed someone who would be more involved. I posted here about her always being late, appts were constantly rescheduled, she didn't respond to my emails, etc. I really had last minute doubts that I even wanted her at my birth and I really wondered if she'd even show up in time. I honestly thought about switching back to a hospital birth as late as Dec 1. I called my DH in tears saying that I wasn't sure I wanted the MW there. He called my doula to talk to her about it, but she happened to be at a birth that night. By the next morning, I had settled down, but still had doubts. I had no doubts about her clinical skills and knowledge and I think that's why I stayed with her.
My child is 12 weeks old and I still haven't had a 6 week post partum visit with her so that I can talk to her about it and ask questions. She keeps needing to cancel and reschedule. One week it was a birth, another time it was the weather, another time she was sick, meetings, etc. Just as with the prenatal visits, it always seems to be something. Some of it is out of anyone's control like the weather and babies and there's not much you can do about that. She dropped off the insurance claim form so that I could submit that, and she said she'd stop by the following Monday on her way back from a meeting north of where I live, but she never called or stopped by and I haven't heard from her since. The stitches she put in didn't dissolve and I ended up having the backup OB take them out when I was there for something else. I didn't go there for that purpose, but figured since I was there, I'd ask him to take them out. He was oK with it and took them out. It wasn't her "fault", but sometimes the stitches don't dissolve.
At this point, I don't think I will try to set up another appt. I'd love to talk, but I guess I see that the ball in her court and she can call me if she wants to. Unfortunatly, I get the feeling she doesn't want to. I heard such good things about her that I guess I was expecting more from a homebirth MW. I just don't feel she was any more open/available to talk to than the OB I was using. I feel like his office was more open regarding questions than she was. Like I said earlier, I guess she just wasn't what I needed in a MW.
ferrum. Sorry you are getting the runaround. I discovered, too, that having a large support staff and other infastructure (like OBs and hospitals have) isn't always a bad thing. (Now if they would just quit trying to force us to do things their way...sigh.)
