Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves - Chapter 3 - Page 2

[doublyblessed]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

Yes, my FIL does this too! I usually wait for the child's reaction, and validate it. My FIL will cut it off before they can have a reaction and say "look, you cracked the side walk when you fell! oh no, who will pay for that?" I dont even want to get started on the amount of confusion that must create, though the kids do seem to think its funny... I don't think its helpful to be honest, though I wouldn't mind it if the child was given a chance to show they are okay first. I don't like telling a hurting child they are okay. how confusing!! they trust us so much, so when we say they arent hurt when they are they think something is wrong with them...



!

oh its so invalidating when we/others do this to dc...or even adults... (one of my ex's, my dd's father did this to me...) totally negating and invalidating my needs/feelings/experience.

i know of an unschooling mama near me who asked her son when he's upset emotionally from words someone has said, 'did that hurt you physically? did it hurt your body?' and he'll say 'well...no' and it'd be dropped. but i always thought, 'jeesh, but he WAS hurt by someone's words...he IS hurting from it...'. sigh! sad!

if my dc get hurt any which way, i'll say 'that hurt, huh?' and/or 'that was scary, huh?' and i'll comfort them, let them cry as much as they need to................i try to steer clear from saying 'its ok.............'. instead i might say 'mamas here......mamas got you...............i'm here................i love you.............i know................i know..................'

so...if i ask my dd if she'd help me w/ something and she says no...do i just drop it...........no pouting <grin> , no comments.................just keep on doing what i was doing??? maybe just say 'ok! maybe next time we can do this together...'

[foodmachine]

Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy

I had a problem in my reading though, maybe someone can help. On page 152 Naomi gets into emotions/preferences without hurting...

She says DONT say:
"I feel like a slave in this house"
"I feel unappreciated"

but its okay to say
"I don't like cleaning up after dinner by myself, I would like to have some participation with it"
"I need your help, would you be willing to clear the table"


Okay, I see how one is better then the other when I write it out this way, but it's not okay to say how you feel? I don't mean in a blaming way (feel like slave) but I can't say that I totally grasp why it would be bad to say you don't feel unappreciate. I mean, if that's how you feel?? How is that different... I mean, you aren't saying "you don't appreciate me" and if the concern is a child would conclude that, then couldn't they also conclude "I'm not helpful" if you ask for help to clear the table?

set me straight please!

I found this difficult as well. But try this: Someone must do the "appreciating" so if you feel "UNappreciated", than someone didn't "appreciate" you; hence you are blaming someone.
I personally feel that the "I don't like cleaning up myself" statement also lays some blame and prefer, "I need some help" or "hey, can get some help please?"
I need a lot of practice here.

[Super Glue Mommy]

see thats how I felt too foodmachine! like, if the first ons lay blame, then so did the first statement in the second group... tough... perhaps intent plays a role, perhaps our children can pick up on that intent when we dont say things perfectly.

[foodmachine]

We are trying!
It is important to be present too and not just think about what to say the whole time. My friends' were discussing what to say instead of, "be careful" to their 2 year old walking on a low wall. He feel off the wall while they debated the subject.

[Super Glue Mommy]

sometimes you have to act first, talk later, and then keep that solution on hand for the next time.

to a 2 year old you can say "its safer to walk carefully" or "how can you walk carefully so you dont fall" (give information or ask a question) thoough really, I think its okay to say "be careful"

[doublyblessed]

lately i ask my dd to tell me about how she's going to keep herself safe while riding her bike... it works so well and i can tell she feels so much better about herself and our relationship when i empower HER instead of tell her to be careful or do this or do that. if she forgets to say 'wear my helmet' then i will remind her lovingly 'what about your helmet...'?

[foodmachine]

I like that asking questions bit, esp for older DCs.

[foodmachine]

Green momma, are you still with? keeta?

Just wondering whether we should wait or move on to Chapter 4?