Staying connected with schooled kids

[BamBam'sMom]

I have been pretty stressed over my current parenting issue: school or homeschool.

I see good and bad sides of both. The reason I'm strongly leaning toward school is that I need to get back to school myself. I stay home now. I have my associate's degree, but there's not much I can do with it. I want to get myself through a nursing program so I can have the means to help support my family if need be. DH runs a small business, but I worry about what could happen. We don't have any insurance either, and I could provide that if I got into nursing.

I'm just really worried about losing my connection with my kids. My older son will start preschool this year. Him and I have a really close relationship. I feel like, especially once he's in 1st grade, I'll hardly see him anymore. I feel like everyone else's influences might win over mine. I'm worried he'll get bullied. Yes, I'm a worry wart. I have known plenty of PS kids who remain close to their parents. I didn't. My friends and social life definitely took over.

I would love to hear the experiences of parents with kids in school. Do you maintain a strong connection with your kids? How do you do it?

TIA!

[Drummer's Wife]

I'm interested in the responses as well. My older two kids currently attend school, but we are strongly considering homeschooling (again) starting next year. at least for the oldest.

I also want to go back to school full-time, leaning towards nursing as well. But I'm struggling too, with finding a way to either make homeschooling work while pursuing my education (and later working) or being content with public school and still remaining close to my children as well as being a guide in their learning process.

My kids are in 2nd grade and Kindergarten. They are gone a good part of the day, but we spend time together in the afternoons, evenings and weekends. It helps, I think, that they go to bed late; we have extra time at night to be a family. If they had a 7 pm bedtime, I wouldn't see them much at all since they get home at 4:30 and like to play with their friends, DH would spend even less time with them as he gets home after 6 most nights.

I haven't dealt with bullying or unhealthy peer pressure, yet. That is a concern of mine too, but my kids treat others well and so far they have had positive experiences with friends, classmates, and teachers.

[beanma]

I'm close with my kids. My dd1 just turned 8 and is in second grade. She goes to a very small crunchy private school and we're on campus all the time it seems. There's a potluck tonight.

My dd2 is in a 3 day a week preschool program and we're very close, too.

I don't think it's anything special I've done. They're just kids who really like their mom around. If you have a really gregarious sorta little guy he may not want you around all the time, but I think that could happen with homeschooling, too, though it would certainly be easier to purposely create distance with public schooling.

[karne]

I have 4th gr. and kindy aged kids. We are all very, very close. In our family that doesn't have a lot to do with where the kids are educated. It's the overall life we lead, and that generally our kids prefer to be connected at this point. Like a pp said, they just enjoy being around mom and dad. I do volunteer in the kids school, so that helps. We also are pretty discerning about playdates, limit afterschool activities, and tend toward family experiences on the weekend. We talk a lot about our family and how we love and help one another, and I'd guess my kids know that they're our priority. I think that as my 4th grader gets older school actually helps us maintain that good connection. She's developmentally ready for some independence, and school provides that. All to say that I think your home life can foster thiose connections that you wonder about.

[Miss Information]

I think I'm fairly close to my dd1 who is in first grade now. We have reading time together every night. We curl up on her bed, crack open a book and either take turns reading to each other or I'll read to her. We do science experiments on the weekends or in the afternoons. I'm teaching her multiplication at home (they don't do that until 3rd grade). We play card games. Since I have two younger kids, I'm always outside after school with them on warm days to watch them play. I'll often play ball with her, or play games. Last night, we just had a fun fair we all went to at school. They have potluck dinner in the fall.

What's nice is that dd gets to develop herself away from her sisters. When she was home all the time, all they would do is get in each others hair.

You can see the types of things that we do at home on my first blog below.

[meemee]

hold on to your kids is the book you might want to check into. i havent read it myself but it is there for you.

honestly for me - time together doesnt really define a close relationship. i have been a WOHM and i saw her part of the day from when seh was 2.

what has kept us close is parenting. how you parent and how you connect with your child. my dd now is in first grade and even now many people comment on what a close relationship we have.

but my dd is very independent too. she wants her own space and own things to do too wihtout mommy. so i dont know all hte details of her life BUT i know everything that matters. that to me is more important than anything else.

at 6 1/2 she is still nursing and we still cosleep. we cuddle a lot and there is a LOT of physical connection.

certain things i was adamant about. i would pick my dd up from school on teh nights i had her. she would not go to aftercare. but now she is BEGGING for aftercare. she wants to spend more time with her school friends in a more casual setting like afterschool care rather than just during recess.

what i am saying is that as she is growing older she is taking over some of the decision making.

like pp mama pointed out it isnt so much what we do or how much time we spend. its just this connection which can never be broken. except during the teens. but that's temporary. you get back togehter again after the raging hormone stops.

i think the things that helped also was being fully aware of my dd's emotional needs. so when she started having problems at school, i begain volunteering. i found i loved it and my dd loved it too. i MAKE time to volunteer. that is a huge priority on my list. she is the only kid in her class when mom comes over to volunteer she runs over to give a hug and also a goodbye hug.

little things i think go a looooooong way. we have been v. v.v. busy lately. today we were supposed to go out of town for me to attend a class. and she told me she didnt really want to go. and we talked about it. and i told her how i was disapopinted since i wanted to go and couldnt get childcare at this late stage. we talked some more and soon she said she would be willing to go if she took some stuff with her. which was ok with me. but then i thought about it. and i chose not to go. we had not spent a lot of time lately just vegging at home. we have always been on the go go go. and opted not to go. i asked her if that was ok if we didnt go and she was glad.

dunno. really listening has been the key for us. even though she is in school and i share custody with her dad. we are very very close.

so far we have had no problems just talking. on our long car journey's. at the grocery store.

i can see myself losing more time with my dd and her also being swayed by other's decisions - but that is not going to affect our closeness.

i dont actively try to be connected. it just happens.

[MichaelsSahm]

I have a very close bond with my child. We remain having this bond even now he is in KG all day! I leave him little notes in his backpack, come over to school once a week to help in his classroom, eat lunch with him at school, going to all his field trips etc.
We just have a really strong bond, even before he was born (it may sound weird to some) and I don't think anything would stand between that, its just natural.
He doesn't have after school activities yet (like soccer, etc) because I think it pushes the kids to the point of exhaustion, there is time for that later on. We do go to his friends house on weekends, while he plays I have coffee with their moms.

[lauren]

Just piping in to say my dh and I are very close to our children, all in public school. Our schedules are a bit crazy from time to time and we have to work at slowing down, but I haven't noticed any decrease in the quality of the relationships as a result of our schooling choices (oldest is in 8th grade, middle in 5th grade, and littlest in preschool/child care).

[Treasuremapper]

I homeschool, and I am considering school because I think that it might be better for our connection. I am really wondering about my own limits in terms of not having time to myself for months on end. I feel that I am sometimes less present than I want to be, simply for my own sanity. OTOH, my dh works insane hours for six months every other year, and that six months will be over in just a few weeks.

I also recommend the book about holding on to your kids. It's excellent, whether you choose to homeschool or send your kids to school. Also -- if available in your community, you may be able to find school options that are less than the 35-40 hours a week.

[GuildJenn]

I WOH and my son (3.5) is in Montessori. I think we continue to have an amazing bond, and he and his WOH dad do too.

I will say that I think one of the "secrets" is to respect however your particular child handles the transition from home to school. In our case my son went into Montessori around his second birthday and when he was little, he was pretty tired out at the end of the day.

So we switched our "family time" to the morning, getting up in time to make muffins, paint, read, and play before leaving. (Family breakfast too.) That way the evening was focused mostly on respecting his need to crash down gently.

The other tip I have is to create fun rituals. My son and I frequently stop at the train station on the way home just to watch the trains go by (his choice). He and his dad often stop at an evil coffee shop on the way to school. We also have indoor picnics (winter) and outdoor picnics about once a week. These kinds of low-key, routine time together are really great points of reconnection.

The last tip I have depends on age and personality, but I find that if I am all keen on dragging details of his day out of him, my son withdraws. In other words if I put my "need" to know over his actual needs, it goes badly. But if I just enjoy his company, eventually he shares whether B. pushed S. or what he had for lunch.

[BamBam'sMom]

Thanks for all the replies. I think I'll check out the recommended book. I actually tried to read it when he was little (like 2) and I put it down because it wasn't really relevent at that point. Now it is.

I appreciate all the tips and stories. I knew people who were close with their parents, a few of them even were through high school.

Treasuremapper, I could see how that would happen. I don't get much help around the house because dh is very busy. My house is usually a mess. Sometimes I just need more time. I see that as being a downside to homeschooling for me.

[Heavenly]

I was worried about this as well. I had originally intended to homeschool all along but my health is bad and has gotten to the point where I just can't handle it. My older two started school this year for the first time and they are in 1st grade and 2nd grade. So we went from everyone being around all the time to them being gone from 9:00am-3:30pm. I was really worried that I would never see them and our connection would be lost but I have found that not to be the case at all. I am able to be a better mom to them when I am around because I am not being drained all day with them here. We do homework together and projects together. We are together on weekends and holidays and school breaks, and while I thought that wouldn't be enough for me, I'm finding it is. Every Friday night we have a family movie night where we each take turns picking a movie and the treats for the night. It is a great time for us to reconnect. I don't know what else to say. I was worried but now I know, at least for me, those worries were unfounded. I am still their mom. They are still my kids. And we still have lots of time together. Good luck in your decision making!

[Linda on the move]

My 10 year old homeschooled until this year, when she started public school. We are just as close as ever. We talk on the way back and forth to school, I help her with her homework, we read together everynight, we talk at dinner, and we do fun things together on the weekends.

You can only spend some many hours a day connecting with your kid. For us, when she homeschooled we spent more of those hours doing the school day and now we spend those hours in the evening. I don't think we are actually spending less time talking and connecting NOW than we did before.

It's a dirtly little secret in the homeschooling community that a lot of the mommies are really burned out. Homeschooling can be great, and school can be great. But find a solution that works for YOU as well as for your kids.

Also, you need to get some confidence in your kid. He'll pick up on your lack of faith in him. Don't keep your child home because you think he's weak. That's just icky. Homeschool with passion, or send him to school with confidence.

[spirit4ever]

Originally Posted by meemee

hold on to your kids is the book you might want to check into. .

I've read it and loved it!! : I think the book still refers more to when they reach their teen years and seem to being guided by their peers more than parents and this is when we really should maintain that connection! ~and I believe its harder to do it!~

[Dreaming]

Oops!