We're probably going to bid on a house soon.
If history is any indication, this will set off a firestorm with my partner's ex. There will be something wrong with how we selected the house (we'll hear about it if we drag SD house-hunting because we should do that on our own time, we'll hear about it if we don't take SD househunting because shouldn't she as a member of a household have input?). There will be something wrong with how we financed or titled the house (we're not giving her details, but it won't take rocket science to figure out that the primary financial contribution is coming from me). There will be something wrong with our closing date, our moving date (the half-year anniversary of her bad school homecoming dance, 20 years ago?). And, when she does get to see the house (which I know SD will be eager to show her mom her new room, and we will oblige), she'll complain about the color of SD's room or about how sparsely furnished or densely furnished or whatever it is (she complained that my SD's room in our apartment is too small--she's 6! Plus, it's not like her stuff or herself is contained in that room anyway). She will also complain about how my partner chooses to tell her about the house (whether he does so via the required 10-day-written-notice of moving, email, in person, whatever).
I know these are all really her issues, and we don't owe her kid gloves or any special deference other than that what a reasonable person would owe his reasonable ex-wife/mother-of-his-child, and the general respect people owe other human beings by virtue of being human. It's not really our job to protect her feelings when we know the mere act of doing something like buying a house will be hurtful--and, importantly, when we don't really know the best way to handle this is (because how she defines "respect" and how she wants to be treated varies day-to-day). The best we can do is treat her as we would want to be treated, as though she was the one telling my partner she was buying a house with her new partner while her ex struggled to make rent, even with child support and the other things my partner pays. (Yes, it's a sucky situation, but we're not going to spend another summer or 10 summers living underneath the arguing/partying couple who seem to bowl at 3 a.m., until she has a stable financial situation, just to spare her feelings.)
But it still bugs me.
So...strength? Vibes for a peaceful outcome?
Thanks.
If history is any indication, this will set off a firestorm with my partner's ex. There will be something wrong with how we selected the house (we'll hear about it if we drag SD house-hunting because we should do that on our own time, we'll hear about it if we don't take SD househunting because shouldn't she as a member of a household have input?). There will be something wrong with how we financed or titled the house (we're not giving her details, but it won't take rocket science to figure out that the primary financial contribution is coming from me). There will be something wrong with our closing date, our moving date (the half-year anniversary of her bad school homecoming dance, 20 years ago?). And, when she does get to see the house (which I know SD will be eager to show her mom her new room, and we will oblige), she'll complain about the color of SD's room or about how sparsely furnished or densely furnished or whatever it is (she complained that my SD's room in our apartment is too small--she's 6! Plus, it's not like her stuff or herself is contained in that room anyway). She will also complain about how my partner chooses to tell her about the house (whether he does so via the required 10-day-written-notice of moving, email, in person, whatever).
I know these are all really her issues, and we don't owe her kid gloves or any special deference other than that what a reasonable person would owe his reasonable ex-wife/mother-of-his-child, and the general respect people owe other human beings by virtue of being human. It's not really our job to protect her feelings when we know the mere act of doing something like buying a house will be hurtful--and, importantly, when we don't really know the best way to handle this is (because how she defines "respect" and how she wants to be treated varies day-to-day). The best we can do is treat her as we would want to be treated, as though she was the one telling my partner she was buying a house with her new partner while her ex struggled to make rent, even with child support and the other things my partner pays. (Yes, it's a sucky situation, but we're not going to spend another summer or 10 summers living underneath the arguing/partying couple who seem to bowl at 3 a.m., until she has a stable financial situation, just to spare her feelings.)
But it still bugs me.
So...strength? Vibes for a peaceful outcome?
Thanks.
) soon!
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