How to get them to open up? (Teen Girls)

[Porcelain Interior]

I have a 13 year old daughter that may or may not be on the Asbergers spectrum. We're on a waiting list to have her evaluated.

She has always had a nice group of friends, they tend to herd her. She's not bossy, outgoing or loud. She's actually very quiet, and awkward, but loves to be around people as long as they let her be herself. Meaning if everyone does Karaoke she LOVES to watch and giggle, but she herself doesn't want to actually participate and a lot of people aren't ok with that and start saying "Oh come on you'll love it, get up there" etc and that annoys her and she will just refuse.

So she's in 7th grade now and her main group of friends is 5 girls who have all been friends since like 2nd grade.

Two of the girls have split off and gotten somewhat snotty. They don't like that the other 3 girls (my DD included) are making new friends, basically they feel threatened and don't want to let other kids into the pod. So the pod has been shattered.

My child is VERY quiet, she has a serious look on her face all the time, even when she is happy. She's hard to read.

There's been a small amount of banter that the two girls are being "mean" to the other 3 girls of the original pod-I don't want to call it a clique, but I spose it is, a geek (They are all super smart honors students with no althletic inclinations) clique lol!

My daughter didn't seem particularly bothered by it at the time, but seemed confused saying she didn't know what their problem was.

So I just said "well there's nothing wrong with making new friends and keeping old friends." I told her to just let them cool off.

Well I witnessed one of the girls being rude to my child in a passive agressive way. My DD and her were walking out of school and my child was talking to the other girl and the other girl totally ignored her and walked away from my child mid sentence. My child's face fell and she looked confused and hurt. This girl btw will hop into our car for a ride home on days my child doesn't walk, so she uses her when it's convenient. My child doesn't see it this way though, and I don't verbalize my thoughts on that as I don't want to plant ill will.

So now she's withdrawing more (she was already a silent loner at home and that was her normal) and she seemed upset yesterday when I asked her why most of her friends are no longer calling the house.

She would just shrug and her eyes seemed teary.

My child is extremely fragile in many ways, she's very naive, and it's not something that can be corrected out of her. She just is. Very trusting, nice to all and this is tearing me up.

I can't get her to tell me anything.

How do you get a child to talk if they are reluctant? I want to be close to her, but she's just not a mushy run to mommy kind of kid like my other DD. She's not a hugger, or a crier. She's just very stoic.

Help!

[Oriole]

I'm right there with you, even if for different reasons. *hugs*

* Do you spend one-on-one time with her on a regular basis? I would start doing that if it's not in place yet. I'm trying to reinstitute "our" time with dsd myself, I think she goes through times when she needs it more or less, and now seems like she needs it more. Yesterday we went out to the movies, and while nothing serious was discussed, it still felt good to have some "girl time".

* I would also talk with the school counselor, and see what suggestions and resources they would recommend. DSD has volunteered to see the counselor at school on her own, and while it hasn't solved all the problems, it certainly helped her in a visible, measurable way.

* All you need is just one good friend to get you through tough times. Does she have at least one good friend?

* 13 was the absolute worst as far as girlfriends go for DSD. She cried, and didn't have friends, and the whole clique thing was out of control. It's a bizarre age for some teens, and we've been through every emotion in this house.

* Listen. You can disagree, but don't judge.

Just what I am trying to do myself. There are days I doubt if it's working, and then there are days I feel blessed, and am convinced that something we are doing must be right. It's tough for her, and it's tough for you. Hang in there.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I'm right there with you, even if for different reasons. *hugs*

* Do you spend one-on-one time with her on a regular basis? I would start doing that if it's not in place yet. I'm trying to reinstitute "our" time with dsd myself, I think she goes through times when she needs it more or less, and now seems like she needs it more. Yesterday we went out to the movies, and while nothing serious was discussed, it still felt good to have some "girl time".

Well I'm a SAHM, and she's rather homebody-ish, so it's hard to get her out. She's not interested in the mall unless it involves friends, and she's not the sort of kid that welcomes me into her social outings, she prefers I'm not there, which I get. I didn't want to hang with my mom and my friends either. I'm going to try and get her to agree to some sort of one on one outing.

She's introverted, but loves people so it's a strange combo. I do need to make more gestures and try and get more involved in her world- which is alien to me.

She's fixated on Harry Potter, The Legend of Zelda, Comic books, and cats. I like cats, but that's about it. So I need to get intentionally involved even if I'm bored to tears. That sounds so bad, but she's very cerebral and clinical. I'm a gushy person, she doesn't like being touched. So yes I definitely need to gently get her out of her shell and spend 1 on 1 time with her. She prefers things that don't involve talking, so I need to think hard on what we could go do.

* I would also talk with the school counselor, and see what suggestions and resources they would recommend. DSD has volunteered to see the counselor at school on her own, and while it hasn't solved all the problems, it certainly helped her in a visible, measurable way.Yeah, I'm a little hesitant to do this because I don't want her to feel defective. I had to see the school counselor and honestly it made my self esteem even lower because I felt like I had something wrong with me to be such a sad sack to need to go to a grown up- I know this is my own perception and she may find relief from it, so I will probably contact the counselor myself and ask some questions, or at least encourage her to go if she needs to, or ask if she wants me to set something up.

I'm slightly afraid of over reacting/under reacting, but you see kids get bullied and commit suicide, and she's just so nice and would never react to someone being mean, she totally internalizes.

* All you need is just one good friend to get you through tough times. Does she have at least one good friend? She has a best friend, but she lives a ways away. She's also extremely outgoing and busy busy busy, so not a lot of time for my DD. She still has 1.5 (one is on the fence) good friends at school and several other girls that she's surface friends with. She told her BF on the phone that she isn't good at making friends.

* 13 was the absolute worst as far as girlfriends go for DSD. She cried, and didn't have friends, and the whole clique thing was out of control. It's a bizarre age for some teens, and we've been through every emotion in this house.

She's very unemotional, we suspect she's Aspergers, but she's on the waiting list for evaluation. She never cries, she does withdraw and that is what she's doing now, it scares me.

* Listen. You can disagree, but don't judge.

Just what I am trying to do myself. There are days I doubt if it's working, and then there are days I feel blessed, and am convinced that something we are doing must be right. It's tough for her, and it's tough for you. Hang in there.

Thank you for replying, obviously this is an unanswerable topic judging from the number of people who viewed, but didn't answer my questions lol.

I feel like I'm in no man's land.

[BedHead]

I don't have a whole lot of advice because I haven't had to deal with it, but I do know that girls ages 10 to about 18 are the meanest bunch of you know what's on the planet. The things teenage girls do to each other is horrible. And your dd sounds like she's been caught up in it as a victim.

I hope you can find some answers.

[fek&fuzz]

she seemed upset yesterday when I asked her why most of her friends are no longer calling the house.

As a 13 year old girl, that would have been a very upsetting thing to have been asked.

I began to withdraw from my friends around that age. I can remember after a dance in 8th grade they all want to get Chinese food and invited me, and I said I just wanted to go home. From there, I just became much more of a homebody as my friends starting going out in groups, and later to parties and out with boys.

had my parents asked, there would have been no concrete answer about why. and there still isn't. it was just how I was (and I don't have AS or anything.) And when they asked me a direct question, all they got was a shrug.

don't pressure her too much into one on one time, that made me very uncomfortable and I still don't really like it (my sisters on the other hand loved it)

Maybe see if there is something she can help you with, or maybe see if she'd be interested in volunteering (not with you) just to get her out in the world if that is what she wants.

as you can see by my rather all-over-the-place answer I don't even know what I would have wanted from my parents when I was like that. I think I just wanted a magic wand to get me out of my life.

However, I can say that I'm pretty normal these days, have a lot of friends, am very outgoing and love my life. So, what we are at 13 isn't necessarily what we will always be.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

As a 13 year old girl, that would have been a very upsetting thing to have been asked.

Well that isn't where the dialog started, because this has been an ongoing discussion. She first offered that two of the group of her five friends were being "rude" to the rest of the group.

Their lack of phone calls we've discussed as well. I noticed though recently that it screeched to a halt, and what I said above wasn't verbatim, I think I actually said, "It seems like you aren't talking with several of your friends" which continued into "well they don't want to talk to me". etc and so forth.

I've been tip toeing very carefully while I pry and I fully admit to prying at this point because she's just never been a talkative kid, and I'm not a particularly nosy person.

I am however very overprotective.