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Unconditional Parenting Book Club - Page 2

post #21 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogretro View Post
...Also b/c GD always makes me think, "Ick, blech blech!" I do not want to talk w/ you about why you should not cut a hole in my couch, just stop doing it! I'm definitely more of a, "Dude, just stop acting like a butt & go play," type of parent, lol!
I'd have to agree.

I try to be gentle but some behaviors are just so childish they drive me bonkers. I am a work in progress, so are my children. Remembering to take the long view helps. "Will this matter in a week? month? year? decade? Is there a positive spin on this behavior? Will this personality trait serve my child well as an adult?

I read this book two summers ago and am going to stick it back on my go-to shelf and join in this discussion. Thanks, Super Glue Mommy.
post #22 of 59
Id love to join. I read the book about 6-7months ago and in changed our lives...!
post #23 of 59
I'm in! I've had this book on loan from my library for the past three weeks and this is just the motivation I need to actually start reading it
post #24 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by quinbearzmama View Post
I'm in! I've had this book on loan from my library for the past three weeks and this is just the motivation I need to actually start reading it
I forgot that you can order a book from the library. Maybe I'll call the branch nearest to home/husband's work and have them hold it so he can pick it up, or maybe I'll convince him to take us tomorrow. I just really hate having to leave the house if I don't have to.
post #25 of 59
Just started reading this a few days ago and would love to join in on the discussion!
post #26 of 59
I'd love to join y'all!

I have always parented this way, but just found the book a couple months ago, and have only read a couple chapters. My kids are 27, 13, 12 (with autism), 8 (soon to be adopted from foster care), and her 2 - 5 year old sisters will probably be joining us this summer. And there is some chance I will be raising my grandbabies (now 6 months, and 2 years)- I had them a few months last year, and the situation is still unsettled. In some ways, I am quite set in my radical ways, and just looking for validation/support. In others, I am open to learning, as I find that each child is so different, with different needs and strengths.

IRL, I facilitate book clubs and discussion groups on parenting subjects, for my foster agency. For now, Unconditional Parenting is too radical for those folks, but a gentle nudge never hurt.
post #27 of 59
I've finally got it from Amazon and have been flying through it. I can't wait til the discussion starts! I'll be visiting my dad from the 20th through the 28th so I may have to jump in after that...
post #28 of 59
Count me in the ordering from the library contingency! (My library has the DVD too!)

I already checked them both out, but I never got the book read... The DVD was really inspiring!
post #29 of 59
Joining in! My DH and I watched the DVD last year. It took us about four weeks to get through because we would start it, then pause every time we had something to relate to or discuss about our upbringing. Well worth the extra library fines.

I purchased the book a while back for more reference and in-depth review of the concepts. As my DD quickly (too quickly!) approaches two, I feel that I need to really delve more into GD and what my ultimate goal is for myself, my child, and my family. What Kohn said in the DVD really resonated with myself and DH, but I find it hard to practice sometimes. I'm hoping that joining in on this group will help me read the book with an open and critical mind.

Thanks for starting this!
post #30 of 59
hmmmm I might join. I am looking for some serious help with my family. I want to live consensually but we have LOTS of work to do before we get there.


Denise
post #31 of 59
Got my copy yesterday...and stayed up way too late and finished it. Can't wait to discuss! As a PP said it really resonates with me. I don't quite get how people can think its too radical or without merit, especially with how he presents his case, however my own DH is one of these people. DH said he would read it but is already somewhat dismissing it as its not what the leading mainstream educators teach (which is behaviorism) I said just read it with an open mind, maybe you all will be able to help me reason with whatever issues he finds!
I think for me the hardest thing is finding the right way to say things- even more so if i'm rushed or my 2yr old is insistently hitting everyone/thing
post #32 of 59
My husband is totally on board w/ the no discipline thing. That is how he and his brothers were raised and they turned out great. Well, they were spanked on occasion, but in the "correct" way ~ not in the heat of anger. He feels no resentment about it whatsoever, so that is good. He was never grounded, had things taken away, etc etc, and he said his parents were good parents when they were younger (many drug and alcohol problems later).

The part we disagreed about was the praise part. He is a director at work & says that people need to be informed when they are doing something good or right, how else will they know they are doing things correctly. He does have a point there. I was trying to explain that instead of "good job" you are supposed to frame things in the larger social context. He said, yes, doing right things makes other people happy, so what if the person who is being made happy is him? When dd pees in the potty, it makes daddy happy. It has nothing to do w/ him loving her, and she does not get stickers or candy, but even if you say "Yay" or "pee goes in the potty" you will still say it w/ a positive tone of voice, which convenes praise. The praise thing is v tricky b/c you want to let your kids know they are doing something nice or correct w/out rewarding them.

I am half-way through the book now. Is anyone else ready to start discussing things? I have never done an online book discussion before, so I'm not sure where to start other than what I said above!
post #33 of 59
I agree with Alfie that too much praise can be a problem. But I don't take that to mean "never praise" any more than I would realistically try to never correct. When kids are motivated externally, whether it's with a candy, a sticker, or a "good job", the reward becomes the motivation. But as an adult, I want a gentle but honest assessment when I am learning a new skill, a thank you when I do something for some one else, a little encouragement when I am struggling. We are social creatures, and it is natural that we want to know how our actions are viewed by those we care for.

I think sincerity is perhaps the most important part of praise. The kindergarten teacher who says "good job" 512 times a day loses some credibility. I am much more likely to say "thank you" to my kids, if they have helped around the house, or "that's pretty" if they've done some artistic thing. I don't make a huge deal out of every little thing, make my voice high pitched and squeaky, jump up and down with false enthusiasm. And as an adult, this is how I typically expect to be treated; polite appreciation when it is warranted.

I remember as a kid thinking too much praise was almost insulting - implying that is is somehow surprising that a child did what was expected. Or even beyond the usual - at 7 & 8, I enjoyed reading the newspaper. I was just interested in the world. But I found it embarrassing that adults thought that was a big deal, or their business, or something. Teachers wanted to make it an assignment, my mother glowed with pride and told her friends, and only my dad understood that no response at all was OK, but so was discussing current events, explaining some of the background, talking about it as if I were a regular human, with opinions and interests of my own, and that I wasn't interested in praise or even "learning". When my mother and teacher took too much interest, I quit. It had been my hobby, and they were taking it away.

John Holt in one of his unschooling books tells of a day playing catch with a kid. There was no need for praise or criticism - if the ball landed in the glove, that was the intrinsic praise, and no words were needed. And when they missed, the learning was direct. They didn't need an observer to narrate, "good try" - the kid knew if he had tried or not.

I wandered way off, sort of, but I also don't know the protocols for an online book club. So, (gently and honestly, see above) let me know if this is supposed to be a more structured discussion. But I have been anxious to get going here too!
post #34 of 59
I may give this one a shot. Is it your #1 recommendation for GD books?
post #35 of 59
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd. The clubs usually post a new thread for each chapter to keep it tidy.

I got my copy in the mail today and am way into it already, but I love books. UC gets a lot of attention and the reviews at Amazon struck a cord with me. I found my way to this book through AP as opposed to GD. DD is 14 months so we haven't come the "D" and the word "discipline" resonates very negatively with both DH and I. I have never agreed with the the use of "good boy" or "good girl" but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.
post #36 of 59
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear207 View Post
Got my copy yesterday...and stayed up way too late and finished it. Can't wait to discuss! As a PP said it really resonates with me. I don't quite get how people can think its too radical or without merit, especially with how he presents his case, however my own DH is one of these people. DH said he would read it but is already somewhat dismissing it as its not what the leading mainstream educators teach (which is behaviorism) I said just read it with an open mind, maybe you all will be able to help me reason with whatever issues he finds!
I think for me the hardest thing is finding the right way to say things- even more so if i'm rushed or my 2yr old is insistently hitting everyone/thing ;)
I agree. don't laugh, but I actually have a "Script" of what to say do in this case that I leave laying around and grab real quick when something like this happens! just until it becomes natural. I hope I can have it down pat before they realize what im doing haha

Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd. The clubs usually post a new thread for each chapter to keep it tidy.

I got my copy in the mail today and am way into it already, but I love books. UC gets a lot of attention and the reviews at Amazon struck a cord with me. I found my way to this book through AP as opposed to GD. DD is 14 months so we haven't come the "D" and the word "discipline" resonates very negatively with both DH and I. I have never agreed with the the use of "good boy" or "good girl" but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.
im going to start the discussion now!
post #37 of 59
Hope I'm not too late to join. I'm loving this book.
post #38 of 59
I have this book on the way to me from interlibrary loan. I am looking forward to taking part in this discussion
post #39 of 59
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodmachine View Post
Super Glue Mommy (who started the thread) said she would post the first discussion between the 21st and 23rd.
Whoops, missed that part!

Quote:
Now that we starting late EC I don't know what to say.
I am looking forward to the book and the discussion.
Some things we say when dd goes on the potty (in a positive voice):

I hear pee pee!
Doesn't that feel nice now?
Feels so nice to have dry pants.
Pee goes in the potty.
Pee pee in the potty.
Yay!
High five.
Yeah, push out the dooders!

HAHA, okay, I know, some are weirder than others! Sometimes we do tell her good job, but I have stopped saying that. DH still says it. We had a conversation about what we say to her on the potty ~ dh said it was okay to say things like good job b/c she is doing something that makes him happy. Yes, it is important for her to be internally motivated to use the potty, but, socially, it also makes us happy to have her use it. Like how you might say, "Look how happy Johnny is that you gave him a toy," it is, "Look how happy Daddy is that you used the potty." I think a mixture of internal and external is okay for the potty b/c that is how society treats it. Yeah, it feels good to use the toilet, but there is also a huge social stigma if you pee your pants!
post #40 of 59

See new thread for chapter 1!

See everyone over there.

Thanks for the tips dogretro! Your suggestions made me smile- "dooders"...the things we say .
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