GD for me to deal with mom?

[CerridwenLorelei]

She is back to her old stuff
Which means she is going to get uptight if she deems my kids breathe wrong
in turn stressing me out and making me more uptight than I already will be with my kids at my aunt's house..
though it is better at my aunt's than it used to be-I haven't forgiven her for some stuff yet, but she teaches special ed ( for 33 yrs now) and is waay less critical of my kids than my mom.
I know I shouldn't let my mom push my buttons but I have a tendency to be what dh calls a stress b*t*h and mom brings it out in me
(don't let your kids embarrass me in front of my sister)
the last two times at this aunt's house things have been just fine -she has a toy bucket and play for them to play ..
Help me redirect myself and dismiss her when she gets pissy and starts in ..

[NoraJadesMama]

Hey there mama!

I don't have any advice but wanted to offer support anyway. I think that situations where the children are apt to be criticized for being children are extremely loaded. I think of them as situations to avoid, and when they can't be avoided--focus on surviving them. The child's (natural) behavior should not be used as a football in a power struggle between adults! When people are like that then the mother has the choice between aligning with the critic against the child (by coercing or cajoling or bribing the child to suck in their gut for the duration) or aligning with the child and facing off against the critic. : When we have guests that are not child friendly (including my mom when she's in one of her tense moods) I just try to get the child out of there for a walk, for nursing, for SOME excuse, even for a full-day outting!!

Of course if you feel that you're up for it, you can try some gentle communication with your mom. When I have tried that it has only made her defensive, unless she brings it up after the fact and happens to be feeling contrite, in which case we do have some brief "real" exchanges (that don't end up changing anything!). But in the moment I just try to deal with it indirectly. When my mom and I try to resolve a real conflict it tends to get worse and worse--so, what the hell, I try to empathize with her feelings of anxiety and yet find structural solutions that give my child opportunities to be herself.

How long will you be "in captivity" at your Aunt's?

If your mom is overtly critical can you say things like, "It sounds like it's really hard for you to be around X when she's like this. You would make different parenting choices and it must be really hard to watch me make choices that you disagree with." ?

Good luck! Next year: go camping!

[CerridwenLorelei]

thanks:)

only about an hour and it is an hour drive over
I think if I have to I may even enlist my aunt's help even if I end up obligated to her
Like I did earlier this year 'are they really being too loud?" she said no they were fine some people just aren't used to kids -talking about my mother ROFL

[NoraJadesMama]

Re: thanks:)

Originally posted by CerridwenLorelei
only about an hour and it is an hour drive over
I think if I have to I may even enlist my aunt's help even if I end up obligated to her
Like I did earlier this year 'are they really being too loud?" she said no they were fine some people just aren't used to kids -talking about my mother ROFL

Oooh! If that doesn't "cost" ya too much with your aunt, that could be wicked fun.

Thank goodness it's just one hour, although I know a lot of nerve-wracking exchanges can get packed into one little hour.

If in desperation I might stoop to a little non-GD bribe... My friend offers her children promises of icecream if they can hold it together at grandma's--it's a distortion of their parent-child relationship, but the situation is a distortion of their real life too, requiring that the children not be children. What's a mama-in-the-middle to do? : Put grandma in time out?!

Come back and tell us how you fare!