Advice about hitting

[Leetah987]

My 20 month old DS is driving me crazy!!! He is ALWAYS hitting me. He hits when he is happy, sad, angry, tired, wide awake... Always. I get hit about a thousand times a day. I don't know what to do. I'm sad to say that I have spanked him twice out of sheer frustration. I hate that I did that, and I don't ever want to do it again. I need to find some tools that work without compromising my ideal parenting approach.

I've tried setting him away from me, saying that I didn't want to be hit and if he was going to hit me he couldn't be near me. That just made him angry, then he would wail on whatever body part he could get to. I've put him in the (mostly unused) playpen and walk away for a few minutes, when I am at the end of my rope. I even locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes, with him screaming outside the door, once. Nothing has helped. When I pick him back up, after a few minutes, he starts in on me again.

When he is happy he just slaps, when he is angry he is brutal. I currently have 3 claw marks, about 2" long, the worst is 1/2" from my eye, on my face from the day before yesterday when I was changing his diaper. He also pinches and bites. I'm begining to think the he is the reincarnation of my abusive father.

I've read a few books about Positive Parenting, but they seem geared toward a slightly older child, more verbal. I need some help now, if I am ever to get to the verbal stage without loosing my sanity, sense of parenting goals and all of my flesh and blood intact.

[coleslaw]

I apologize because I only have a minute, but I wanted to respond. Kids, Parents and Power STruggles is a great book too and gave me so many ideas.

Even though he is not verbal, he most likely understands what you are saying. Things to help him are talk to him about his feelings and then redirect his expression of those feelings. "OH, are you proud that you put the block in the right hole? Let's clap to celebrate!" Or "Are you angry that mommy is changing your diaper. I understand. Look at this book. See the red apple?" Other anger expressions could be banging a pot with a wooden spoon.

OK, I've been here too long, dd is calling. I'll post again if I can! Good luck!

[Ruth]

What I do when children hit (me or anybody else) is I take their hand and show them that hands are for touching softly, lightly, lovingly. I do it over and over again until they get it. Some children it takes only once others it takes years.

My daughter is 5 and she has never hit any other child. She hit me twice - once in the middle of her only tantrum and another time, she just slapped me out of anger. The first time, I was very calm because I knew it was a tantrum. The second time, I was shocked but I think I did OK. Over and over again, I have told her she can do anything she wants to in her life except hurt herself, other people, animals, and the earth. (When she is older, I will add she cannot destroy property.)

The worst thing you can do is hit back, because that is telling them it is OK to hit.

Walking away or separating you from him is seen as a "punishment" or "revenge" by your child, I am sure. But do it if you have to to avoid hurting him. I think it is better to discipline (which means to teach) than to punish.

I have never read positive parenting books, but attachment parenting books I love. There is a VERY good one by William Sears called the Discipline Book.

Please please, he is not the reincarnation of your abusive father. I have heard that people who were abused as children, expect to be abused by their spouse (in your case your own child). Don't let it happen to you. Children become what you expect them to be. You should expect him to love you and treat you with respect and kindness. You will be doing him AND YOU a great favor.

Good luck. It can be done, but start today. Since your child has been doing it for so long, it will take a LONG LONG time.

[Ame]

Based on my education & experience....

Hitting (biting/pinching/scratching) is usually a result of one of the following:


~ A desire for attention (good or bad - kids don't care - as long as they get some)

~ An inability to effectively communicate


Kids love the action/reaction situations....hitting is highly effective in this regard.

The most effective way to stop hitting (which has been mentioned by some wise mamas before me) is to use a calm voice (not screaming, squealing, or yelling) and hold the hands and say "we don't hit....hitting hurts" or " Hands are for helping ...not hurting" or " we use soft touches" (and demonstrate) or " use your words....hitting hurts" Facial expression, tone of voice, and consistency are the most important factors in getting your message accross. On occasion when that method doesn't work we will have a pillow or stuffed animal handy and when the child hits say " if you need to hit - hit this - not people"

Just an aside....

Kids under three don't comprehend contractions and their brains aren't wired to process them yet...so when you are making requests or giving commands it is best to avoid using contractions.

Toddlers hear:

Lucy_______hit me !
Lucy I _______ like that - it hurts !


If you have a emotional reaction when he has a negative behavior then you are validating hima nd he will continue to have those behaviors.

[Soundhunter]

Re: Advice about hitting

Originally posted by Leetah987
I'm begining to think the he is the reincarnation of my abusive father.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to give you a

[monkey's mom]

Oh, you poor dear!

We are JUST coming out of that magnificant phase! It is brutal, it is hell, and (the GOOD NEWS) it is TEMPORARY!!

We did a lot of "Gentle touch" while stroking my face (me taking his hand and stroking). And "We do NOT hit." (less favored 'cause it's negative). I also got up and moved a lot.

It is hard, hard, hard--harder if abuse has been an issue in the past. I struggle with the overwhelming need to "defend" myself, b/c I swore that when I was big I would never let anyone hit me without fighting back. And, I, too, have hit back on 2 occassions--THAT sucks!

My ds had a HUGE language explosion right after all this hitting. He started talking in multiple word sentences. I think it is a lot of frustration on their part.

Hang in there---one day (like me) someone else will bring it up and you'll think "Hey, when was the last time ds hit me? It's been a really long time! COOL!!"

[LoveBeads]

One thing I wanted to suggest is maybe to teach him some signs. It sounds like he is frustrated because he ican't verbalize.

Good luck!

[Leetah987]

Thanks for all the support and advice. It's nice to be able to talk about the problem and get other Mama's perspectives.

I have done the gentle touch thing, and for months it worked well, but just for the last couple weeks, no dice. He will sometimes use the gentle touch in between hitting, without missing a beat. I do think he's getting ready to / having a developemental leap. He just started stringing two words together, ("Mama hug" "I stuck") and begining to count. (teyou, tree, fie) I only know a few signs and of those he has only picked up "airplane" and "all done", and he can say all done.

I do have a fight or flight response, a learned response from my childhood. Most of the time I can stay calm, but if I'm having a hard day I can sometimes loose it fairly easily. The second time I popped him on the butt, I said " don't hit" and immediately thought "well that's modeling proper behavior" (sarcasm)

Thanks for the info on contractions, I use them all the time.

The last couple days have been better, he hasn't been hitting as much, so hopefully I'll get a reprieve for a day or two. (see how optimistic I am!) Also, it could've been the hustle and bustle of Christmas, it started right around Thanksgiving. Anyway, thanks for the support.

[mamaduck]

I agree that this a temporary phase -- he is probably very close to a verbal explosion of sorts -- he probably feels a strong need to communicate and talk to you about his feelings, and he is probably intensely frustrated that he can't.

I agree with the poster who suggested putting words to his feelings *for* him. I found this to be very helpful with my kids right at this stage -- I would talk to them out loud about how frustrated/angry/dissapointed/or whatever they were feeling -- and they would look positively relieved! "Oh good, mama knows what I want her to know."

Another thing that helped me was to remind myself constantly that *I* am the grown up. I am 5 or 6 times his size, and I am perfectly capable of protecting myself from a baby without harming him. And I am. It helps to tell myself that. I am in control of the situation -- he is not. I have to be the grown up here. That means that I do NOT retaliate and thereby turn a hard situation into a war zone. I am not a 2 year old. I don't need to fight with him.

Sometimes, this means holding my kid in a way that prevents him from hitting me. And sometimes, it means putting him down in a safe place and taking a step away from the situation. Either way, I have not harmed him, and I have not allowed him to harm me.

Also, remember to let life stop for a few minutes, and to take your time working through each tantrum. What you are helping him grow through right now is very important -- you really don't have anything better to do than coach him through tough times in his life.

Good luck -- it does get easier!