the endless baby craving

[mamapajama]

I'm going to try to make sense here of my insanity about my baby cravings. I desperately want another baby. However, I am so afraid of having another baby. I have been completely paralyzed by my inability to make a decision for a year now. I have 2 boys ages 6 and 4 and they are very challenging for me. I homeschool, I am stressed a lot, but I just love them so much (of course) I have fallen into this cycle of having unprotected sex almost close enough to ovulation to get pregnant, like day 12 of my cycle. And then I obsess over the possibility of being pregnant for the rest of the month. I feel hopeful I am , hopeful I'm not, totally conflicted. And it all is tied in to the fact that I am 38 1/2 and feel like I am too old to have another one. I keep thinking, about my 60 year old mother and thinking, that I would be 60 with a 21 year old. It just seems like such a bad idea. HOWEVER, I just can't seem to move past it. Everytime I get my period, I feel so sad, and relieved at the same time. It's like I think if I could accidentally get pregnant then I would have to have another baby. I know I sound like a crazy person, but exceot for my weird inability to decide whether or not to have another baby, my life is good. But it really is startign to consume me.
My husband would do it if I said I really wanted to. Am I crazy? Does anyone esle feel so conflicted? Or if you did were you able to make your decision and how?
Thanks for an advice.

[MaryLang]

You know what? I think you'd feel conflicted no matter what. Its scary thinking about getting pregnant again. Its exciting thinking about getting pregnant again. Its amazing and its hard. You feel like crap for a while, you get to feel those tiny toes from the inside. It'll be more work. But it could be fun. The conflicted feeling will happen even after you are pregnant. So happy one minute, can I do this? another. You know, you've been there before. Pregnancy and the thought of pregnancy comes with a lot of ups and downs. The thought of another pregnancy? Doing it again? It sounds like you want to. I wouldn't stress my self out over it, not that bad. I would just see what happens and do things unprotected if my DH were ok with it. Your boys are still so young, you can't be too old IMO. I know kids are challenging, but it's going to be that way whether you have 2 or 3 or 4...
Also, personally, I found going from one to two to be the toughest transition. After that its just crazy all the time anyways. But its fun crazy a lot of the time.

[mama to 2 girls]

I know how you feel...I went thru this with both dd2 and ds but more so with ds....They were both oops but ds much more so than dd2....with dd2 we had been talking about it and one day just got carried away and.....boom dd2 came along. DS was (for lack of a better word) unwanted. Now that he is here of course I LOVE him to death but I think it would have been better if I hadn't had him. If that makes any sense without sounding cruel....Like I said I absolutely adore him and couldn't imagine my life without him but I know my answer now.....

Dh was done and I wasn't sure...same as you..every month wondering(eventhough we used withdrawal method perfectly, I was a memeber of the "I might be pregnant but wasn't trying" club for a while ) and then nothing...well we had one night on our anniversary...too much wine..got carried away again and here comes ds.

So what I am trying to say is...I was and still am like you..I am stressed ALL the time and adding another little one just adds to the stress...Some days I feel totally overwhelmed and find myself calling dh to tell him I can't handle it anymore and that I am ready to run away....Then of course after I hang up and have had a chance to vent I feel loads better but I hate having to get thru my life just one day at a time...Granted your other ones are a bit older and will be able to help (mine are all 4yrs old and younger) I think if mine were a little older i probably would have been much more open to ds.

So I think I will have to agree with Mary and just go with the flow if dh is open to it. My bro and SIL had #3 a yr. ago and their other 2 were 8yrs. and 6yrs. and they were SUCH a big help. DD1 tries to help and *most* of the time she is. As far as being to old....My grandma had my uncle when she was 44!! So no, I don't think you are too old. : )

[MoonStarFalling]

I'm in the same spot right now. I feel extremely conflicted and have gone back and forth on my decision almost daily since the beginning of the year. Every cycle I hope I do and then I hope I don't. Right now I'm just "open to life". I'm not to terribly obsessed with it this way.