Here we go again.

[Juliacat]

Dh and I argued for YEARS over this issue and finally when we got pregnant, he gave in and said we didn't have to circ. Well, we had a girl, and he was super relieved. "Dodged that bullet," he said. We weren't going to have another child, but now we're unexpectedly pregnant. He keeps saying he wants another girl (so they can share a room longer, he says) but I'm guessing he'd like to dodge the bullet again.

Yesterday MIL came right out and said, "And if it's a boy, what are you going to do about circumcision?"

I said, "We're not going to do it."

For some odd reason, she was shocked: "You're not?"

I said, "No, I will refuse to sign any paperwork consenting to it. BUT," I said, "I REALLY don't want a big deal made out of my son's penis. Really. I don't want to go on and on about it." I added that most of the midwives' clients don't circ anyway so it's not like anyone will think it's weird.

Dh was listening but didn't say anything, so I guess he's going along again.

Bleh. I HATE this issue. It's SO obvious to me that you shouldn't cut off a baby's body part without a medical reason. The background here is that dh is circed and likes that he is circed, but MIL regrets having it done to him. She says it was very painful and traumatic and she thinks it's wrong.

OTOH, I'm an only child but my own mother is rabidly in favor of circing. When I was in my eighth month of pregnancy with dd, she told me that if I had a boy and didn't circ him, he would hate me for the rest of my life and dh would have grounds for divorce. UGH. I'm a lot stronger now than I was then and I think I now have the ability to say, "It's none of your business and we need to change the subject." She even told me last time that she would sic my uncle on me, because I love my uncle and she thinks I will do whatever he wants me to do, but not about this AND anyway I reckon he would probably give me the standard medical advice, which is that it is not a big deal either way!

Again. UGH. Sorry for such a long post but it's just so easy to get worked up about.

[becca_howell]

I feel you! My mom is the anti-crunch, and she has said a lot of the same things "He's going to hate you for it." HA! If you teach your son to clean his intact penis propperly, it will be no more unclean than your daughter's vagina!

My solace in this whole battle is my rock of a husband. He is standing firm on the grounds that circumcision is not neccessary and we don't want to operate on our son unless medically necessary. I hope yours stays on the same side as you and supports your desire not to circ!!

[perspective]

I like circ dads that separate the issue. Ones who are circed, and may even like being circed themselves, but still can use the logic "since there is no real medical reason, why get it done"

I dont understand people saying "he will hate you for ever if you don't" Its his body, when a boy grows up he can do whatever he wants with it. I imagine instead of getting angry, he would just go get circumcised if he really cared that much.

You should respond to your mother by saying "the only decisions he might hate me for are the ones he can't undo!" Actually I think that should be the Mantra of all people with pushy family members.

[RMM1117]

OMG-I cant believe your mother told you that! I am SO sorry (((hugs))) You are doing the right thing, I am so sorry you dont have the support you should.

[LavenderMae]

I also do not get the 'he'll hate you for it' sentiment. I'm almost positive my boys will not hate me because I didn't have part of their penis cut off. Really I don't see them hating me for that anymore than they'd hate me for not having their pinky finger cut off.

I think you are right to just tell your mother it's not up for discussion period, repeat as necessary.


And Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

[peainthepod]

I always feel like people who say, "He'll hate you for it forever" might be projecting just a wee bit. After all, you're the one giving your son a choice. If he wants to be circumcised later, as an adult, he'll have access to full anesthesia and excellent painkillers for afterwards. Whereas a boy circumcised as an infant never had a choice and often didn't even get the benefit of anesthetic. Who's more likely to be resentful? Hmm...

[Night_Nurse]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

I always feel like people who say, "He'll hate you for it forever" might be projecting just a wee bit. After all, you're the one giving your son a choice. If he wants to be circumcised later, as an adult, he'll have access to full anesthesia and excellent painkillers for afterwards. Whereas a boy circumcised as an infant never had a choice and often didn't even get the benefit of anesthetic. Who's more likely to be resentful? Hmm...

(Bolding mine)
Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!!!! I think that's exactly it too!

What I also find interesting is the OP's mother in law regrets circ, the mom of a boy who had it done, yet her mom, the mother of an only girl, thinks it should be done. I'd personally respect the thoughts of a mom with regret over the thoughts of a mom with only very old knowledge, and probably limited knowledge of the procedure, any day.

I'm guessing the OP's mom has never really research circ, the current AAP guidelines, or the risks and complications. She's probably remembering the old scare tactics and cleaning recommendations parents of previous generations were given by doctors and nurses. Maybe if you show her a circ video of the procedure, let her read the AAP statement, tell her how there's no extra care of intact babies (wipe like a finger - no retraction), and let her know circ is on the decline nationwide (so her grandson won't be the only intact kid in town), maybe she'll think/feel differently.
If not, oh well! I wouldn't lose sleep over if my mom approved of my parenting methods or not. Do what you feel is right in your heart and protect your baby! If your son really wants a circ, he can certainly still get one when he's older.

[Haselnuss]

Originally Posted by Night_Nurse

tell her how there's no extra care of intact babies (wipe like a finger - no retraction)

Not to mention, if she's ever going to babysit, you'll definitely want her to know this anyway!

[Juliacat]

When my mother has made up her mind about something, she cannot be reasoned with. Period. Trying to get her to be rational is like trying to teach a pig to sing. That being said, she is going to baby-sit so if it's a boy I will have to explain to her how to handle the diaper changes, but that conversation will be put off until it's necessary for practical reasons.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

[tammyswanson]

Originally Posted by perspective

I like circ dads that separate the issue. Ones who are circed, and may even like being circed themselves, but still can use the logic "since there is no real medical reason, why get it done"

I dont understand people saying "he will hate you for ever if you don't" Its his body, when a boy grows up he can do whatever he wants with it. I imagine instead of getting angry, he would just go get circumcised if he really cared that much.

You should respond to your mother by saying "the only decisions he might hate me for are the ones he can't undo!" Actually I think that should be the Mantra of all people with pushy family members.

:

[4chunut1]

Originally Posted by perspective

I dont understand people saying "he will hate you for ever if you don't" Its his body, when a boy grows up he can do whatever he wants with it. I imagine instead of getting angry, he would just go get circumcised if he really cared that much.

You should respond to your mother by saying "the only decisions he might hate me for are the ones he can't undo!" Actually I think that should be the Mantra of all people with pushy family members.

I TOTALLY agree with the above. I'm an intact male, and instead of "hate," I am forever grateful that my mother did not choose circumcision for me. Physically, I think that is one of the best things she ever did for me. My only regret is that I never told her that while she was alive.