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OMG I am freaking out, shaking, scared- what would you do in this situation??? *UPDATE in OP* - Page 4

post #61 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

I think there is definitely such a thing as a victim mentality that can be picked up on by those with bad intentions.
I have also read that if you have been a victim of sexual abuse you are more likely to be a victim of another sexual assault, which may explain why I tend to attract those situations. Apparently they don't pick up on the I know what you're up to vibe I get, or the fact that I am willing to fight back and have sent 1 man right to his knees and another down a flight of stairs who were unaware of this fact.

There is yet another guy who I turned on his heel when I made him aware of a gun I had in my purse after he followed me all through a mall one day and out toward my car, at one point standing right on my heels and breathing on my neck. : This was when I was being stalked and I was carrying my gun, in no mood for anyone to be invading my space. He followed me from store to store and was very obvious about staying right on my tail. I couldn't find any security people and finally I stuck my hand in my purse, unlocked the safety and just spun around in the parking lot so he could clearly see that I was pointing my hand at him in my purse, planting my feet like I was ready to shoot. He whirled on his heel and went back inside.

Extreme? Maybe. Were his actions appropriate? Definitely not.

I don't think it's so much a victim mentality as a perceived vulnerability or weakness. The difference is, some of us who have been victims in the past are not willing to be victims again.
post #62 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I have also read that if you have been a victim of sexual abuse you are more likely to be a victim of another sexual assault, which may explain why I tend to attract those situations. Apparently they don't pick up on the I know what you're up to vibe I get, or the fact that I am willing to fight back and have sent 1 man right to his knees and another down a flight of stairs who were unaware of this fact.

There is yet another guy who I turned on his heel when I made him aware of a gun I had in my purse after he followed me all through a mall one day and out toward my car, at one point standing right on my heels and breathing on my neck. : This was when I was being stalked and I was carrying my gun, in no mood for anyone to be invading my space. He followed me from store to store and was very obvious about staying right on my tail. I couldn't find any security people and finally I stuck my hand in my purse, unlocked the safety and just spun around in the parking lot so he could clearly see that I was pointing my hand at him in my purse, planting my feet like I was ready to shoot. He whirled on his heel and went back inside.

Extreme? Maybe. Were his actions appropriate? Definitely not.

I don't think it's so much a victim mentality as a perceived vulnerability or weakness. The difference is, some of us who have been victims in the past are not willing to be victims again.

This post and the one before it are so interesting! I wonder if it's broader than a "vulnerable mentality." I wonder if there are actual physical characteristics. For example, I recall in my teens years, my sister was never picked on. There was just a certain...reaction by guys about her. She hated it b/c she felt a little ignored by them. But I always resented her b/c guys would hit on me and be pretty inappropriate, forcing me to take action and protect myself, KWIM? (Not talking about really bad things here, but everyday things).

Anyways, I've always thought that the difference between the two of us was physical. She takes after my dad and is almost 6 ft tall, very muscular and has an awesome voice. Just talking at normal range for her is considered loud by most people. Her nickname growing up was Xena Warrior Princess lol.

Meanwhile, I am under 5' 5" and during highschool barely tipped the scales at a 100lbs. I also have a weak voice (terrible singer too). To this day, I still have to deal with "being understood." Only my immediate family and my hubby can tell when I am hopping mad. Most people will mistake my anger and/or determination as shyness. I tend to get quiet.

That's what I always wrote it off as...
post #63 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
This post and the one before it are so interesting! I wonder if it's broader than a "vulnerable mentality." I wonder if there are actual physical characteristics. For example, I recall in my teens years, my sister was never picked on. There was just a certain...reaction by guys about her. She hated it b/c she felt a little ignored by them. But I always resented her b/c guys would hit on me and be pretty inappropriate, forcing me to take action and protect myself, KWIM? (Not talking about really bad things here, but everyday things).

Anyways, I've always thought that the difference between the two of us was physical. She takes after my dad and is almost 6 ft tall, very muscular and has an awesome voice. Just talking at normal range for her is considered loud by most people. Her nickname growing up was Xena Warrior Princess lol.

Meanwhile, I am under 5' 5" and during highschool barely tipped the scales at a 100lbs. I also have a weak voice (terrible singer too). To this day, I still have to deal with "being understood." Only my immediate family and my hubby can tell when I am hopping mad. Most people will mistake my anger and/or determination as shyness. I tend to get quiet.

That's what I always wrote it off as...
Dunno. FWIW, I was always blonde, extreme hourglass figure even when I was underweight, and I have a wiggle in my walk I cannot control. Believe me, I've tried. I've had male friends insist it looks like I'm coming on to every man who sees me walk, as if I am somehow saying with my walk it's OK to grope me, grab me, accost me, assault me...: A female friend always said I just had a come f**k with me look about me so I had to take on a don't f**k with me attitude.

Even a few years ago I had a guy I worked with corner me in the break room and try to kiss me, just out of the blue. : It never stops. And then guys wonder why they get punched in the nose when they touch me without asking? Seriously?

The funniest thing, though, it has happened less since I dyed my hair red. I have a theory that some men still stereotypically think blondes are docile and dumb, but they think redheads are a bit crazy and possibly violent. I am not about to burst that bubble.

threadjack over, I'm intrigued by where this is going and something else I read yesterday so I'm going to start a thread.
post #64 of 92
I'm sorry you and your daughter got sooo scared, but I'm pretty sure everything will be fine.
post #65 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post
i agree, or "i got locked out and my phone's inside, can i use yours?". it's an odd request, regardless.
Argh, this happened to me once. It was snowing and freezing outside, dh was a hour away and didn't have his phone on, no immediate neighbors were home (the ones we talk to). I was out with my dog and daughter for a walk. She was maybe 1. I unlocked the door, let the dog in and threw my keys down (I didn't have my cell phone with me) and turned to get dd. That door NEVER closed properly, I usually had to give it a tug, but on that day it was lightly brushed and it slammed shut and locked, keys inside. At least I still had dd with me. Anyways, I went to a bunch of neighbors' houses and no one was home. SO I went to a house around to corner and asked to use a phone. She let me use it (outside) and I called a friend who was of course out of town and we had no family or other friends in the whole area. I'll admit, I didn't know her at all, but geez, it was freezing and I was really hoping she'd let me in. I didn't ask, though. That would have been weird. I think it might have been a nanny or something because I had met the woman who owned the house (who also had a baby). I had a baby with me (who of course pooped in her diaper right after we got locked out) and it was COLD! eek. So we ended up spending a few hours freezing in our garage (at least that was left open). So... that request isn't always wrong! just wanted to add that


Anyways, to the OP, that is scary. I would say definitely use caution. Not sure where I would take it from there, but it sounds like you're already being careful. take care
post #66 of 92
I haven't read all of the replies, but here is my take on the situation. You were right to trust your gut. He may be harmless, but he also sounds like he isn't very cued in to what is "socially acceptable" and that could mean inappropriate behavior in other ways as well. I wouldn't want to be alone with a big grown man like that. If he is of below average intelligence "I need you to walk on my back" might have been the only excuse he could think of to get close to you. Creepy. Esp. that he probably doesn't have a lot of outlets for his sexual feelings seeing that he probably doesn't have a g.f./s.o....

I think a chain on the door is a great idea. The whole door knob jigging thing would have made me so upset....
If anything happens again I would call the police right away. I hope it is nothing for your sake but don't let your guard down. A self-defense class might not be a bad idea either
post #67 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
Anyways, I've always thought that the difference between the two of us was physical. She takes after my dad and is almost 6 ft tall, very muscular and has an awesome voice. Just talking at normal range for her is considered loud by most people. Her nickname growing up was Xena Warrior Princess lol.

Meanwhile, I am under 5' 5" and during highschool barely tipped the scales at a 100lbs. I also have a weak voice (terrible singer too). To this day, I still have to deal with "being understood." Only my immediate family and my hubby can tell when I am hopping mad. Most people will mistake my anger and/or determination as shyness. I tend to get quiet.
Physically, I'm a lot more like you than your sister: I'm even shorter; I'm a lot heavier than you, but look 20 lbs. lighter than I am; and I'm a terrible singer , but people react to me a lot more like you describe your sister being treated. (I'm not soft-spoken like you are... but I hardly think that matters when, say, making my way through a crowd.)

I think there is something somewhat innate, or at least heavily subconscious. I've always attributed some of my electric fence to being raised by a victim of sexual abuse (who wasn't aware of her history until I was at least 8... so she just taught me to never let anyone get near me, without even knowing why she was doing it). But there may be some of it that's nature rather than nurture.
post #68 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
This post and the one before it are so interesting! I wonder if it's broader than a "vulnerable mentality." I wonder if there are actual physical characteristics. For example, I recall in my teens years, my sister was never picked on. There was just a certain...reaction by guys about her. She hated it b/c she felt a little ignored by them. But I always resented her b/c guys would hit on me and be pretty inappropriate, forcing me to take action and protect myself, KWIM? (Not talking about really bad things here, but everyday things).

Anyways, I've always thought that the difference between the two of us was physical. She takes after my dad and is almost 6 ft tall, very muscular and has an awesome voice. Just talking at normal range for her is considered loud by most people. Her nickname growing up was Xena Warrior Princess lol.

Meanwhile, I am under 5' 5" and during highschool barely tipped the scales at a 100lbs. I also have a weak voice (terrible singer too). To this day, I still have to deal with "being understood." Only my immediate family and my hubby can tell when I am hopping mad. Most people will mistake my anger and/or determination as shyness. I tend to get quiet.

That's what I always wrote it off as...
Well, I am 5'2" and very very skinny, so I don't think it's that I am physically intimidating. I AM alert and very much aware of my surrounding.
post #69 of 92
How scary that must have been!

I read your update, but not the other responses. It sounds like he is definitely a strange character, and I think you absolutely did the right thing listening to your instincts!

I don't think you have any reason to contact the police - since all he did was really act strange. He DID leave when you declined his request, so he really didn't do anything against the law. I'd definitely put up shades/blinds in the kitchen and keep the doors locked, but I'd also avoid getting on his bad side too. I think you handled it perfectly - you were polite but stood your ground. Hopefully he will get the message that you would prefer to be left alone.
post #70 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post
i agree, or "i got locked out and my phone's inside, can i use yours?". it's an odd request, regardless. i also don't open my door for anyone unless i really, really know them. while i think maybe he didn't have bad intentions, i'd also follow gut instinct.

also, my back has gone out before, too, and as bad as that can hurt i'd never think of walking in utter pain to a neighbors house to have an almost complete stranger walk on it.
This was my first thought! When a person throws out their back walking all the way over to the neighbors would be excrutiating.

It sounds like he is not aware of appropriate social interaction.

I second the self defense classes.

I second the chain and better shades. When my fiance is not here I do not answer my door. It is dead bolted and locked. I go to the locked kitchen window, look who it is. If I know the person (friends family) I open the door. If not I just don't answer.
post #71 of 92
Okay, OP, I have to say GOOD JOB trusting your instincts!!! Around our house we totally believe in going with our gut and it just really makes sense. A couple things I can think to do:
1. get that police report on file (which you did), but also get the name/business card of your local officers and ask them to do some regular patrols in your area... most times they're happy to do a few drive-throughs of a suspicious area.
2. Check into security systems. Ours has an option to arm the doors for "stay" mode so if someone comes in through the door (or my 2yo lets himself out without permission) while we're there it will set it off. We also have a remote that we keep in the bedroom that also has a panic button. Most times they will try to call us before dispatching to avoid false alarms, but the panic button is an immediate dispatch. We can also call them if we're going to be away, me alone with the kids late at night, etc. and have it set to immediate dispatch. After a previous break in attempt where the theives were scared away by the alarm and took NOTHING the police told me that even just an audio alarm without the security system (that you can get at places like radio shack) are often enough of a deterrent, especially if you have neighbors near enough to hear it.
3. Neighbors, neighbors, neighbors. All of you on high alert. Swap phone numbers and have a 'safe signal' that you could turn off in trouble (like always keeping the living room lamp on and if it's off call or come to check on me).
4. I know this is not an option for many people, but I know quite a few mamas whose dh's work late that have dogs for security. If you don't want to invest full time in a dog, you could offer to dogsit for a friend a few times a week... the barking alone can be a deterrent (even if it's a toy poodle, lol). Of course if your lo's have allergies this isn't really an option.
5. Chains and deadbolts on all doors. Post a sign near the doorbell that you won't be answering the door during the hours of _ and_.

BTW, OP, isn't Caillou great when you're trying to make dinner??
post #72 of 92
Never doubt your intuition. If you are afraid, there is probably a very good reason for it. Honor the fear--it exists so that you know you need to take protective actions.

In your story, there is a big red flag. He would not take no for an answer. When you said no, he didn't go away and kept asking. This is a classic pre-incident indicator. I highly recommend two books--The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift.

I second the pp's suggestions of taking self defense classes, a neighborhood watch, and beefing up your home security.

Also, most predators look for an easy target and groom the victim before violence begins. This is probably what he was trying to do.
post #73 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by tree-hugger View Post

In your story, there is a big red flag. He would not take no for an answer. When you said no, he didn't go away and kept asking. This is a classic pre-incident indicator. I highly recommend two books--The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift.
That.

And because women are taught to be accommodating, they become victims, by being nice.

I'm nice to children and animals, and sadly, everyone else is always going to be a little bit suspect.
post #74 of 92
I'm a little surprised here to find myself- generally quite a bit more paranoid/worrying than many people- thinking that the response here seems a bit extreme. I wouldn't have liked the knob jiggling, and I wouldn't have let him in and walked on his back (quite possible would have harldy talked to him before closing and locking the door if I was home alone with kids)-- but I guess it just doesn't sound like something that I would really freak myself out over. Especially given that this person is somewhat special needs, I find it far more likely that he doesn't understand social propiety than that he was consciously "grooming" you for some premeditated future assault. Don't get me wrong- I totally respect our instincts, and I would definitely get some better curtains and perhaps chains to help me if a situation should repeat- but I don't think I'd call the police or dwell on the incident. Havin gmore communication between neighbors is a great idea for helping everyone become more familiar with eachother and more aware in general.
post #75 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetPotato View Post
I wouldn't have liked the knob jiggling,
The knob jiggling was her husband arriving home, not the neighbor.
post #76 of 92
I don't know what I would do in that situation. Get a security system if you can afford it. If not, I've had a police officer friend tell me that the little security system stickers/signs are a deterrent to ppl.
I think being aware of him and having your neighbors aware of him is a good start. what about a neighborhood watch?
post #77 of 92
If he wanted to hurt you he could have...you opened the door to talk to him, he asked you do do something and he left without incident when you declined. I think you believe something is strange about him and so you are reacting to that more than what actually happened on this particular evening.

Remember that "instinct" is different then fear. Imagining the worse, always looking at what could happen to hurt you, etc. is generally rooted in fear. Only you can really know if it was instinct or fear. I'm not saying this was your fear and not instinct...just pointing out when so many say "listen to your instinct" over and over again. Sometimes you have to really check in with yourself and figure out if its true instinct or something else.
post #78 of 92
I have a comment on the chain -- DH put these metal u looking locks on the door like hotels have becouse his HS friend thats in jail for B&E told him it was so easy to clip chains but the hotel locks take for ever if you want advice on staying safe ask a criminal . The lock is sold right at Lowes .

I have a friend I grew up with ( my others BFF son ) and he was in a car accident and lost alot during his comma. He can no longer tell when he is " to close" and makes most ppl uncomfortable. His isolation caused hi to gain weight and sometimes be bitter . He is prone to rage couse he can no longer control himself and drinking makes it worse, So while I assume your neighboor is like wise mostly harmless I dont put myself alone with my friend becouse he isnt as much the boy I grew up with.
Also mase is very dangerouse around kids as looks like something fun and is easy to use. The diff between police issue and pepper spray is PI burns skin so it doesnt need to be aimed at the face.
post #79 of 92
Amila- You were the one who was there with this guy at your door, so I think your instincts are the ones to trust. If you were scared by this guy, that is really important. Don't open the door for him, install better locks, maybe call the police. I think your dh talking with him is a good idea, just to let him know that your family doesn't want to be messed with.

I also agree with the recommendations to read The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift. DeBecker always says not to doubt your intuition or talk yourself out of your fear- you have fearful reactions to protect yourself and your kids.

A gun in a house with children worries me, though. And there's also the chance that your own gun would be used against you in an assault. I'm really not a gun person, though.
post #80 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama516/419 View Post
I have a comment on the chain -- DH put these metal u looking locks on the door like hotels have becouse his HS friend thats in jail for B&E told him it was so easy to clip chains but the hotel locks take for ever if you want advice on staying safe ask a criminal . The lock is sold right at Lowes .
Chains are also easy to kick in. If they're trying to get in, and you have the door open with a chain, it generally won't hold against a good kick if you have a wood framed door. Either don't open the door, or be prepared to defend yourself with some self defense techniques.
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