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(Long) 10.5 yr old called me...

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
an @$$hole tonignt. She didn't say it to my face, I yelled at her as I walked out the door for being in my way. I felt so bad about it while I was outside getting something from my car that I had planned on talking to her about it when I got back in. But as I walked in my littlest talker told me that she had called me the A word while I was out. She is not a stranger to swearing. Though my DH has a penchant for using the F word and the S word and A word, as well as a few other choice letters, she had never picked it up when she was younger. I have to preface this with the fact that I have always encouraged her to speak her mind, so now, everything is either "retarded" or "sh!t". Her father is an A-hole, and so are her Sibs. She is so angry and it is killing me. I try to show her and tell her that I care, but I tend to do it in fleeting moments. I know I have to make time for her, but how do I do it w/ out going shopping or buying stuff. I never thought I would be in this position. Ever. But her Dh and I have led her to believe that 1.) (from daddy). buying something means "I love you" and 2.) (from mummy), you can walk all over me. Wait, thats both of us. Not intentionally. Ugh. I think we have created a monster. She is such an angry girl. As well, I think she could be expecting her period soon. I told her that she has too keep a journal from now on, ten minutes every night. She is refusing, I'm oppressing her autonomy, my words. But I am making her do it anyway. Talk to me about the importance of routine, and how to spend quality time w/ her. She hates hiking, I love it. She won't sew, or draw, or write, or paint. Things I like to do. Thats the other thing, I can't figure out what her focus might be. I mean she doesn't have to have one yet, but she has no intersests except for fashion, gymnastics, or Ballet, things I can't really afford right now. I am afraid she is slipping away, I am afraid that it is too late. I let her go to the mall w/ my IL's today. They have LO's that she can help out w/. But I took her cell and she is not allowed to use any of the computers it the house at all. I am so sad. What do I do?
post #2 of 9
I did not want to read and run but I have no advice for you. Here is my take on the calling you an @hole. She said it behind your back and not to your face. I said a lot of awful things about my mother behind her back. To myself, to my journal, to my friends. At the age she is, in a home where swear words are accepted, this seems a normal vent to me. If your younger child had not tattled you would not have known about it.

The anger issue is different. Perhaps she would benefit from speaking with a professional.
post #3 of 9
Hi,

I came online because I'm having difficulties with my ds. I won't go into them but I sympathise with you. I have found that quality time doesn't need to be anything special. I also had trouble figuring out how I could possibly manage to spend time with him regularly but I found that just going in to say goodnight every night (or almost every night) is good. It's a time he's not in the middle of stuff. Sometimes he's reading so I just sit on the edge of his bed a short while and see if he wants to stop reading and talk. Sometimes he doesn't. Usually he likes to have my company then for a while and tells me what he's thinking about. I sometimes find it difficult to be interested in the things he's talking about (there's only so much I can take about Lego models...) but I try to focus on him instead of the words, you know, like how excited he is or what he's feeling and stuff.

As well as bedtime, I try and be mentally available at other times. It is one of my major problems "running away" from my kids but I'm working on it. If he's trying to talk to me I try and focus on him and if I can't do it immediately because I'm with one of the others I try and give him a time when I can (I'll be finished this in 5 minutes and then I can spend time with you...).

My DS is also REALLY angry and I handle it SOOOOO badly. Usually I get angry back or even if I start off well I end up telling him to take it into his room because I just can't take it. Having said that, I've found that it's usually a cry for attention and he doesn't get so angry when he's getting the focussed time!

I'm also not good on the walking all over me. I find myself just wanting him to be happy and so even once he's behaved badly I often don't stick to the consequences I myself set because I just want him to like me!!! I really never imagined it would be this tough. Perhaps writing a note? Talking to them when they're not angry? Just generally focussing on respect? - Someone said to me that if they are not respecting others then they are not really respecting themselves.

I would guess that the journal thing won't really work unless you can get her to want to do it. That's just based on my own situation though.

Good luck
post #4 of 9
I dont have an angry teen issue (we've got some other type of issues) but I didn't want to read and not say anything.

Im sorry I don't know what to really say about calling you what she did since she did do it when you were away. If it wasn't for your younger child telling you, you wouldn't have known she said it. So that's a hard one for me just now.
Since those words seem to be used by others in the home, I guess I'd try to impose a house rule of not using those words and seeing if it can help. (including dad and mom )

When my girls became 11, I gave them journals.
I didn't make them write in them, but I did write on the front inside cover to let them know I care, how I feel about them (encouraging and showing that I see their wonderful strengths) and that the journal was there for them to express how they feel. I then left it to them to decide if they wanted to use them. I also made sure to get "cool" journals. Either colorful or with designs on them that the girls like.
So far my 14yr old uses it daily and my 12yr old hardly ever. They actually like being able to read what I wrote to them and like knowing they've got something to write in if they felt. I think that sometimes some of us aren't writers. Your daughter may not be into writing just yet but maybe if it's turned into something that's there for whenever she felt or needed, she may eventually want to write.

The teenage years are definately not easy.. I wish you the best.
post #5 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by kewb View Post
I did not want to read and run but I have no advice for you. Here is my take on the calling you an @hole. She said it behind your back and not to your face. I said a lot of awful things about my mother behind her back. To myself, to my journal, to my friends. At the age she is, in a home where swear words are accepted, this seems a normal vent to me. If your younger child had not tattled you would not have known about it.

The anger issue is different. Perhaps she would benefit from speaking with a professional.
I definitely agree about the name calling. I called my mom a bitch to myself when I was around your dd's age. I think it's just a part of separating yourself from your mom. Yes, it hurts. It's like if your kid says they don't love you in a fit of anger. But it's not a horrible thing in itself.

Please don't insist she write in a journal if she doesn't want to. Journaling can be such a useful, satisfying thing, but it has to come from within.

I know I have to make time for her, but how do I do it w/ out going shopping or buying stuff. I never thought I would be in this position. Ever. But her Dh and I have led her to believe that 1.) (from daddy). buying something means "I love you" and 2.) (from mummy), you can walk all over me. Wait, that's both of us. Not intentionally. Ugh. I think we have created a monster.

This is your core situation, not the swearing.

Buying things is quick and easy. It makes a parent feel like they've done something parental. It's good and natural, we want to make our kids happy. Not only because they do deserve happiness, even when they're being little sh***, but because it quickly gets them out of our hair. But it's a shallow investment that's quickly gone.

Walking all over you, can you be more specific? My 14 y.o. daughter and I have developed a problem. Many times I don't insist she do things she is capable of, is responsible for, because it's just easier to do it myself. And I make excuses for her laziness. It does her no good and just makes it harder for her when she's slammed with homework or gets a bad grade on a test. She's always got an excuse for why it isn't her fault, why it wasn't just that she didn't study and get prepared. And I let her do this.

Partly I'm 'afraid' of her negative emotions. I avoid insisting she behave responsibly if it means I can avoid a tearful situation. I cave just to keep her from getting upset.

Edited to say, what it comes down to is that I get into trouble when I take the easiest way when it comes to parenting. You might be different, but what is most difficult to me, most like work, is when I really have to engage with my child. When I avoid interacting, when I don't tow the line because I don't want to deal with her arguing every step of the way, dd gets nastier and acts spoiled.
post #6 of 9
hugs mama, I don't have a whole lot of advice as my kids are still little but two things stuck out for me.we sear, alot at our house and let the kids swear too. For us there just words and words are not bad or good only how we use them. We talk about using words to hurt ppl regardless of what the words themselves are. Now that being said, my kids (well my oldest) would definatly say something like your daughter did in his room and I'd be inclined to let it go. She didn't say it to your face, it was likely not intended to hurt you but rather as a powerful word that helped vent her frustraition.just my .02 YMMV.

And on the journaling thing I would stop making her journal because if its not coming from with in then I think it is less then benificail. What I would do is offer journaling when she is mad not as a punishment but kind of as an alternative to punishment...You look really mad would you like to get out your journal and vent. I would also replace you requirement that she write in her journal every night with a requirement that you journal about her for ten minutes every night . If possible keep 2 journals one that is available for her to read now for when you write stuff about her that is appropraite for her to see at her current state of developmant and another you can vent and write things about your relationship with her that may not be aproprate to give her untill she is an adult/mother herself if at all.
post #7 of 9
If you don't want her to swear, then you and your husband need to clean it up yourselves. If you don't want her to use certain words, then those should be removed from the vocabulary at home, too. I can swear with the best of them, but one thing I do not allow is calling someone a b*tch, a b*stard, an a**hole, etc - swear words aimed AT someone that way isn't tolerated. "Gah, you're b*tchy tonight" is different - it describes a behavior, not a person.

As for things to do... if she's into fashion, it doesn't mean you have to shop. Watch America's Next Top Model together. Or, if it ever comes back (though I bet you can get old seasons), Project Runway. Talk about what you like, don't like about the designs. Pick up some fashion mags. Look into how she can put some of those looks together inexpensively. My daughter and I have shopping trips that are only "looking" days, and others that are "buying" days. On the former, we look at what's available, hve lunch out, then go home to see how best those looks can be combined with what she has. And agree on what she's going to get. Buying days are when we actually go out and get the stuff.

At this age, it's more important to get yourself included in what she enjoys than vice-versa.
post #8 of 9
Samantha, I'm from your ddc with Noah and going through something similar with my 20yodd so i just wanted to say that your dd is mistaken. You are a loving, caring mother who is willing to admit that you've made a few mistakes along the way and is willing to make the effort to change.



We swear here too, but my dd said something much more hurtful without using those words.
post #9 of 9
mtiger has great advice. I don't really take the talking behind my back seriously and if my younger tells me that he overheard his sister call me a name when she is angry I'll tell him not to tattle. I said the same stuff (not to their face) and consider a normal vent. I'm lucky that my 11 year old and I have some closely related interests but I have also watched some terrible movies with a smile on my face. It's important to them that you value their interests.

Good luck and remember that we're in this this for the long haul. If I live through her teen years I'll have something to be thankful for.
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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › (Long) 10.5 yr old called me...