My DD is seven months old. I am an exclusively pumping BFAR mama, with major supply issues. I didn't have great breastfeeding support immediately after she was born, and for three weeks she kept losing weight in spite of nursing all the time and everyone who saw her telling me, "Oh she's got a great latch, just keep at it!"
We kept at it with no interventions for three weeks, even though my nipples were so painful I screamed every time she latched on (oh yeah, great latch...
, and her weight dropped to a pound and a half below her birthweight. My pedi and the LC from the hospital kept saying, there's no reason you should be in pain, her latch looks fine, just put on some lansinoh and keep going. I felt like I should be pumping, but my pedi discouraged it, saying it was just going to wear me out.
Finally we saw a different LC who put her on the digital transfer scale, and discovered that she was only taking in about 1/2 an ounce of milk in a 45 minute feeding. Barely enough to keep her going. She got me set up with a hospital grade pump, and put me on a regime of breastfeeding twenty minutes, supplementing her with milk and/or formula, and then pumping. It was grueling. My nipples *still* felt torn to pieces. The LC said we'd missed the window on establishing supply. I pumped 8 times a day and got maybe 7 ounces a day total. We saw another LC. I was exhausted and in tears. She suggested just pumping for awhile, and skipping the breastfeeding all together. I did that, though I still feel like crying when I write about it.
I went on a mission to improve my supply. I took fenugreek, goats rue, domperidone, motherlove tinctures, oatmeal, beer, water, etc. Nothing made an ounce of difference.
At eight weeks, I decided I wanted her back on the breast, and got a Lact-Aid, and yet another LC. The new LC took one look at her, and told me that she clearly had been born with a tongue tie, which somehow, no one else managed to notice. Finally the pain and low transfer made sense.
I started nursing her with the Lact-Aid. It was really hard work. She was a very slow eater, and it would still take her an hour to nurse her way through two ounces of supplement. I got mastitis three times. Then I got some mysterious skin infection on my nipples. They split open and were covered in blisters. I tried to treat it herbally. I tried to treat it with topical abx. Finally I broke down and took the oral abx. It went away, but only after I'd been in pain for three weeks.
Though people kept saying, just nurse her at your breast constantly and don't ever let her have a bottle, that wasn't possible as I was back at work. And, still pumping after every nursing session. Perhaps that was our problem, that she still got bottles, but even after a month, she remained so fussy on the Lact-Aid, and I HATED using it. My goal was to teach her to nurse well enough that she could empty my breasts on her own, without the Lact-Aid. We never accomplished that.
The last time I fed her with the Lact-Aid was Thanksgiving. It just felt like such work, and she was so often so fussy- screaming and crying when I tried to latch her on. I felt like we were losing the bonding cuddly time that breastfeeding was supposed to provide.
So, I kept pumping, and got up to producing 10 ounces a day. I managed to cut down the number of pumpings without losing any supply, so that I did four pumping sessions a day for ten ounces. I felt bad about not having the bonding of breastfeeding, but we co-sleep, I wear her everywhere, we bathe together...so I felt like we were getting at least some of it in other ways.
Then, over Christmas, I left my hospital grade pump at home, and pumped for a week with my PIS. My supply tanked, going down to seven ounces a day. Even once I was back on the hospital grade pump, it never went back up. I tried adding in more pumpings. I broke out the herbs again. No difference.
Then this past week, we all got the flu. My supply dropped another ounce. Now I'm down to pumping six ounces a day. Part of me feels like I should step it up again and try to get back up to where I was before, and try and eek out 9 or 10 ounces. But here's the thing- I'm just so worn out, and I simply don't want to. I'm only pumping four times a day now. I could add more pumpings. I could get up at night, even if she doesn't, and do a 4am pumping again. But, it just feels so overwhelming to think about adding any more time on that pump. And, though she's capable of self-entertaining at other times, she refuses to be put down while I pump. So, it's really hard to do when I'm by myself with her, or if my DP is trying to do something else.
I'm sorry. I know I just typed a novel here. I guess I'm just feeling so guilty about not doing more, not trying harder to make this work. I'm not planning on stopping pumping right now - that's another whole emotional minefield that I'm not close to being ready to touch. I had hoped to pump for a year, though right now, I set my goals in much smaller chunks. I guess what I'm asking is, am a bad mother for not adding in more pumpings in hopes of getting another couple ounces? Conversely, is it ridiculous to spend an hour and a half of my day on a breastpump for six ounces of milk?
We've been lucky at times to get donor milk. Other times, she gets mainly formula. But she's had breastmilk every day of her life, and I'm really happy and proud about that. The whole thing is just so hard though, and even now, seven months out, I still feel this sadness and loss sometimes when I think about what I would do differently if I could go back in time, how I wish things had been, versus how they turned out.
Okay, thanks for listening...
We kept at it with no interventions for three weeks, even though my nipples were so painful I screamed every time she latched on (oh yeah, great latch...
, and her weight dropped to a pound and a half below her birthweight. My pedi and the LC from the hospital kept saying, there's no reason you should be in pain, her latch looks fine, just put on some lansinoh and keep going. I felt like I should be pumping, but my pedi discouraged it, saying it was just going to wear me out.Finally we saw a different LC who put her on the digital transfer scale, and discovered that she was only taking in about 1/2 an ounce of milk in a 45 minute feeding. Barely enough to keep her going. She got me set up with a hospital grade pump, and put me on a regime of breastfeeding twenty minutes, supplementing her with milk and/or formula, and then pumping. It was grueling. My nipples *still* felt torn to pieces. The LC said we'd missed the window on establishing supply. I pumped 8 times a day and got maybe 7 ounces a day total. We saw another LC. I was exhausted and in tears. She suggested just pumping for awhile, and skipping the breastfeeding all together. I did that, though I still feel like crying when I write about it.
I went on a mission to improve my supply. I took fenugreek, goats rue, domperidone, motherlove tinctures, oatmeal, beer, water, etc. Nothing made an ounce of difference.
At eight weeks, I decided I wanted her back on the breast, and got a Lact-Aid, and yet another LC. The new LC took one look at her, and told me that she clearly had been born with a tongue tie, which somehow, no one else managed to notice. Finally the pain and low transfer made sense.
I started nursing her with the Lact-Aid. It was really hard work. She was a very slow eater, and it would still take her an hour to nurse her way through two ounces of supplement. I got mastitis three times. Then I got some mysterious skin infection on my nipples. They split open and were covered in blisters. I tried to treat it herbally. I tried to treat it with topical abx. Finally I broke down and took the oral abx. It went away, but only after I'd been in pain for three weeks.
Though people kept saying, just nurse her at your breast constantly and don't ever let her have a bottle, that wasn't possible as I was back at work. And, still pumping after every nursing session. Perhaps that was our problem, that she still got bottles, but even after a month, she remained so fussy on the Lact-Aid, and I HATED using it. My goal was to teach her to nurse well enough that she could empty my breasts on her own, without the Lact-Aid. We never accomplished that.
The last time I fed her with the Lact-Aid was Thanksgiving. It just felt like such work, and she was so often so fussy- screaming and crying when I tried to latch her on. I felt like we were losing the bonding cuddly time that breastfeeding was supposed to provide.
So, I kept pumping, and got up to producing 10 ounces a day. I managed to cut down the number of pumpings without losing any supply, so that I did four pumping sessions a day for ten ounces. I felt bad about not having the bonding of breastfeeding, but we co-sleep, I wear her everywhere, we bathe together...so I felt like we were getting at least some of it in other ways.
Then, over Christmas, I left my hospital grade pump at home, and pumped for a week with my PIS. My supply tanked, going down to seven ounces a day. Even once I was back on the hospital grade pump, it never went back up. I tried adding in more pumpings. I broke out the herbs again. No difference.
Then this past week, we all got the flu. My supply dropped another ounce. Now I'm down to pumping six ounces a day. Part of me feels like I should step it up again and try to get back up to where I was before, and try and eek out 9 or 10 ounces. But here's the thing- I'm just so worn out, and I simply don't want to. I'm only pumping four times a day now. I could add more pumpings. I could get up at night, even if she doesn't, and do a 4am pumping again. But, it just feels so overwhelming to think about adding any more time on that pump. And, though she's capable of self-entertaining at other times, she refuses to be put down while I pump. So, it's really hard to do when I'm by myself with her, or if my DP is trying to do something else.
I'm sorry. I know I just typed a novel here. I guess I'm just feeling so guilty about not doing more, not trying harder to make this work. I'm not planning on stopping pumping right now - that's another whole emotional minefield that I'm not close to being ready to touch. I had hoped to pump for a year, though right now, I set my goals in much smaller chunks. I guess what I'm asking is, am a bad mother for not adding in more pumpings in hopes of getting another couple ounces? Conversely, is it ridiculous to spend an hour and a half of my day on a breastpump for six ounces of milk?
We've been lucky at times to get donor milk. Other times, she gets mainly formula. But she's had breastmilk every day of her life, and I'm really happy and proud about that. The whole thing is just so hard though, and even now, seven months out, I still feel this sadness and loss sometimes when I think about what I would do differently if I could go back in time, how I wish things had been, versus how they turned out.
Okay, thanks for listening...
No, no, no, you're not bad! You're very good and dedicated for everything you have already done!
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