Am I a loser for not trying harder? - Page 2

[stgertrude]

I have been following your story, and think you have done and are doing an amazing, amazing job! I had a similar experience as you and gave up when my DD was 8 mos. old in part because I barely got 6 oz. a day with the pump and in part because I was so exhausted by the whole ordeal and had to begin working more hours at my job, leaving less time to pump.

I never used a Lact-Aid, but used an SNS for awhile, when my DD was about 3 months old, and hated it. Honestly, I'm pretty sure my supply dropped as soon as I started using it because she would only suck it like a straw and didn't seem to be draining my breasts as well. She would scream if there was no SNS, even when I was leaking and full of milk. Even though I know some people swear by it, it was not for us.

Anyway, you are SO NOT a loser for not increasing your pumping sessions, and though I know it's hard, you have every reason to feel proud of what you've done already, and hopeful for future breastfeeding experiences. I know you are BFAR, but from your story it sounds like there were some issues with your daughter's effectiveness in nursing. I'd be willing to bet money that your supply will be adequate next time, provided you have a baby who is good at nursing and you start out pumping from the get go (something I totally regret not doing!)

Your baby is so lucky to have you!

[kittibgud]

I can't see you as a loser in any way. You've gone above and beyond to try and it just isn't working. Stop stressing over it, enjoy your baby,move on. There are so many other loving, wonderful, worthwhile times ahead of you and your little sweetie. This is but a small bump in the road. It may seem like a major issue now, but believe me, this too shall pass. Relax, enjoy, let it go.

[AngelaM]

thanks, stgertrude, for an amazingly nice post.

i am really, really hopeful for next time. (though, with this economy and our constant financial worries, we've been talking more and more about remaining a one-kid family. but that's neither here nor there...) and regardless, for now i'm just going to try and enjoy the wonders of my kid, who really is pretty much the most amazing thing on earth.

starting solid foods has also taken away some of the sting of formula. though she doesn't get many calories from them, i love watching her explore new foods, and seeing natural, wholesome things entering her body. we mainly give her things that she can pick up and feed herself - stalks of steamed broccoli, baked sweet potato fries, etc. - instead of cereals or purees, and its awesome to see her take agency and explore the eating process. she loves it, and i love watching her go to town on a head of broccoli. today i let her try a little taste of the vegetable curry we were eating for dinner, and she actually licked the spoon clean and then held it out for more! so hopefully, this is the beginning of an exciting, adventurous, wholesome relationship with food.

[MaryJaneLouise]

What a hero you have been for providing for you LO! Don't let anyone else tell you different, including yourself .

[Leta]

Oh, my gosh, what a good and dedicated and determined mom you are. I think that you have done way MORE than most people would have. Do not beat yourself up for one second. Your LO is seven months now- you were able to give her BM for that critical first six month window and that is HUGE. A mighty accomplishment for any WOH mom, even without BFAR and supply issues. Think of it this way: that seven months worth of BM is more than most U.S. babies get, without mitigating circumstances and valid reasons. You are so not a loser. You are a role model.

[starling&diesel]

Angela ... I truly understand your grief and frustration.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. BF challenges are such a sad, disappointing burden at a time when we should be blissfully beefing up our babies at the boob. I'm exhausted and I'm only at 6 weeks ... that you've made it so far with beautiful bella Ocean is an inspiration!

[SundayCrepes]

I haven't read the responses.

Here's my story:

When my son was a bit under 2 we decided to adopt. I'd already been pumping (2 ounces a day) so i'd have an emergency supply for him then to donate to an adopted baby. Now I started pumping for the baby we hoped to adopt. I pumped from one to five times a day. By the time we got our baby I'd been pumping for 28 months total. Talk about pumping burnout. Everyone said to pump more once I got the baby. However, I was tandem nursing and feeding each child 8 times a day. I didn't see how I could fit in pumping. Plus I was burned out on pumping. Using domperidone and herbs I got up to full supply for my new baby. Then at 3.5 months she stopped gaining weight. I had to supplement with about 2 ounces of frozen milk each day. Except she liked the flow of the supplementer and quickly got up to 6 ounces a day.

A few weeks later someone pointed out that I could have pumped and maybe increased my supply. I was devastated that I hadn't considered that when she stopped gaining weight. By this point I just didn't see how I could increase my supply by 6 ounces a day. Plus the thought of pumping more was more than I could stand. I might have been able to increase 2 ounces a day, but not 6. I was so overwhelmed and feeling how you've been feeling--like a failure who could have done more for my baby if I weren't so overwhelmed.

Then someone pointed out that all that pumping would have taken time away from my children, especially my 3 year old. So I had to choose--pumping 10 times a day or spending time with my children. I opted to be the better mom and spend time with my kids.

I now have a freezer filled with donor milk. Since my daughter has started solids her use of supplementation has dropped drastically, probably a couple ounces a day. I suppose I could try and pump to increase my supply, but with donor milk available, I have no desire to attach myself to the pump. I've come to terms with the way things worked out and I am okay with using donor milk.

One of the things I came to realize is it is a primal need for women to worry about their milk supply. Not too long ago a baby would have died if the mom couldn't nurse it (unless she found a wetnurse.) It feels like a life or death issue to us because once upon a time it was. Your daughter has the benefit of what you can give her along with donor milk and formula. You have given her more than most moms would do. Good for you. You are a great mom. I went through a lot to make milk for my baby, but I never had the pain you do. I hope that you can pat yourself on the back for what you've done.

Something that helped me was to write a letter to my daughter detailing every little thing I did to get her milk. From pumping, taking drugs, and finding milk at milkshare.com. It is a love letter on how hard I tried. I have fantasies that some day she will sit in a La Leche League meeting and tell other new moms what I did for her and they will all tell her how lucky she is. Maybe that would help you. Actually, your initial posting would be a great thing to save for her.

Here is a link to the thread I started about that in case it helps you:
http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...848&highlight=

[K&JsMaMa]

Originally Posted by pdxmomazon

Your dedication is amazing! What a lucky baby!

agreed.

[Mom2Ian]

You are an amazing mother

I had many of the same problems (somewhat different, and couldn't even get a few ounces when pumping, DS still hungry after being attached to me all day). I know how frustrating it can be! Plus you're just worn out! I felt like I tried everything too (supplements, water, oatmeal etc etc) and scoured mdc for resources. Then my supply just completely dried up and I had no luck relactating after a lot of effort. Finally I gave up and put DS on organic formula. I have no regrets. Doing the best you can do is all that you can do, and you need to take care of yourself to take care of your babe.

I felt really strongly about breastfeeding and beat myself up about it for a good long time. But the best thing I ever did for myself and my babe was not only breastfeeding for as long as I could but also forgiving myself for not being able to do more

I really think that whatever decision you make for yourself and your babe at this point will be the right one for you. Go with your heart/gut and feel good about all you have done...and don't look back

Hugs Mama! You're doing a wonderful job! :