x-posted in grief and loss
I am in the midst of 2 major life changing events.
My father is about to pass away, and I am about to give birth to my first child. I am 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant as of today, and I am just so overwhelmed.
My father was DXed over a year ago with glioblastoma multiforme brain cancer. I am an only child and my mother is severely disabled and we live 3 hours away (I'm in nyc and they are in rural PA). I took off a lot of time at work last year to take care of them and be there for the surgury and recovery. I then continued going up every weekend for at least 6 months. Last year was really hard, my job is very demanding and tiring (teaching) and then my weekends were so stressful. My mother has been his caretaker all this time and she is just NOT physically able to do it. He as been her caretaker for the past 25 years since she has been disabled. As hard it has been on me, it has been torture to her. Our extended families have not been as supportive as we would have hoped.
At the end of June of this past year I found out I was (unexpectedly!) pregnant. My partner and I were not living together at the time, though we had been together off and on for 3 years. Finding out we were pregnant was very tough. His parents were 100% unsupportive (you can read his Unexpected! thread in the Dads forum) and I was dealing with so much with my parents I couldn't handle another thing taking my time and energy. I felt so used up and tired. Of course, a huge part of me was so excited-- I have been waiting to have babies since I was 8 years old and I was 28 now and needed something positive in my life to look forward to!
This meant, though, that it was a LOT harder for me to work full time and then go out to PA full time every weekend. I felt so much guilt. My parents were so thrilled with the news. Their first grandbaby. My dad was so happy to know he'd be a grandfather, whether he got to meet him or not. We really didn't think he'd live much longer than thanksgiving or christmas this past year, so we didn't hold out much hope of him meeting his grandson.
Fast forward to now-- yes, he is still alive, but he is slipping further and further away. My mother is absolutely at her breaking point taking care of him 24 hours a day for the past year. Hospice has kicked in, but it's a few hours in the mornings on weekdays, no where NEAR what she needs. They are very poor and do not have the money for any more help. We have exhausted the communities resources in terms of free home health aides and meals and such. I spend every day with an incredible amount of guilt over my mother doing this alone.
I didn't think the baby was coming this weekend, so I had the midwife check me and I went out to see my dad a few days ago. I really wanted to bring the baby to him as our next visit (it's hard me me to travel right now, needless to say) but I was petrified he wouldn't make it. We were able to talk and have some closure this weekend and say some things we wanted to, but it was so hard on him. He was choking on his words and really flustered and yelling at his brain to just let him talk to me.
As of this morning, he is 100% of the day and night in his bed now. He is too weak even to be lifted out of bed, even if there were someone strong there to do it. It's so close now.
I am beyond stressed about my mother after his passing. She will be alone in an area far from family (we do really love the community she is in) but she will have no way to pay her bills and get her groceries. She can't drive b/c of her disability. She can't come live here, I have a small 1BD in nyc. It's a really hard situation. To top it off, I can't in any way help her financially, my partner just lost his job and I am drowning in unpaid maternity leave. I will be back to work at 6 weeks with a newborn (leaving him with daddy, at least).
And baby shows no sign of coming any time soon. Who would want to come out here into this stressful world of mom crying all day? We're having a homebirth and my midwife supports us waiting until 42 weeks to even start NSTs, and even then inducing at home if things looked bad.
I cannot stand people saying anything about "circle of life." There is nothing comforting about any of this. There are no life lessons and no "meant to be"s. It's just cruel. My father would have been an amazing grandfather, he was absolutley the best dad anyone could have hoped for.
I want him to live to meet the baby so badly. I'm so pessimistic about it happening now. I'm trying so hard to stay calm for the sake of the baby and to relax enough to go into labor. It's damn hard to stay calm. I don't want to go to a funeral with a overdue pregnant belly. I don't want to go with a newborn. I don't want to PLAN a funeral on a tight budget and feel like we're not giving dad what he deserves.
I may never have another baby. My partner doesn't want more than one. I hate that my possibly ONLY babymoon and pregnancy has been and will be so sad. I have looked forward to this moment my whole life, and I can't enjoy it. Even my inhumanely short 6 weeks at home will be filled with grief and funeral planning and planning where my mom will be and separation from my partner if I need to stay with her. When what I REALLY need to be doing during that time is pumping and building up my freezer stash. This is not what I want. I want to be with my baby and I want him to have a grandfather and I want my mother taken care of.
Enough crying for now. I have to breathe deeply for the baby.
I am in the midst of 2 major life changing events.
My father is about to pass away, and I am about to give birth to my first child. I am 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant as of today, and I am just so overwhelmed.
My father was DXed over a year ago with glioblastoma multiforme brain cancer. I am an only child and my mother is severely disabled and we live 3 hours away (I'm in nyc and they are in rural PA). I took off a lot of time at work last year to take care of them and be there for the surgury and recovery. I then continued going up every weekend for at least 6 months. Last year was really hard, my job is very demanding and tiring (teaching) and then my weekends were so stressful. My mother has been his caretaker all this time and she is just NOT physically able to do it. He as been her caretaker for the past 25 years since she has been disabled. As hard it has been on me, it has been torture to her. Our extended families have not been as supportive as we would have hoped.
At the end of June of this past year I found out I was (unexpectedly!) pregnant. My partner and I were not living together at the time, though we had been together off and on for 3 years. Finding out we were pregnant was very tough. His parents were 100% unsupportive (you can read his Unexpected! thread in the Dads forum) and I was dealing with so much with my parents I couldn't handle another thing taking my time and energy. I felt so used up and tired. Of course, a huge part of me was so excited-- I have been waiting to have babies since I was 8 years old and I was 28 now and needed something positive in my life to look forward to!
This meant, though, that it was a LOT harder for me to work full time and then go out to PA full time every weekend. I felt so much guilt. My parents were so thrilled with the news. Their first grandbaby. My dad was so happy to know he'd be a grandfather, whether he got to meet him or not. We really didn't think he'd live much longer than thanksgiving or christmas this past year, so we didn't hold out much hope of him meeting his grandson.
Fast forward to now-- yes, he is still alive, but he is slipping further and further away. My mother is absolutely at her breaking point taking care of him 24 hours a day for the past year. Hospice has kicked in, but it's a few hours in the mornings on weekdays, no where NEAR what she needs. They are very poor and do not have the money for any more help. We have exhausted the communities resources in terms of free home health aides and meals and such. I spend every day with an incredible amount of guilt over my mother doing this alone.
I didn't think the baby was coming this weekend, so I had the midwife check me and I went out to see my dad a few days ago. I really wanted to bring the baby to him as our next visit (it's hard me me to travel right now, needless to say) but I was petrified he wouldn't make it. We were able to talk and have some closure this weekend and say some things we wanted to, but it was so hard on him. He was choking on his words and really flustered and yelling at his brain to just let him talk to me.
As of this morning, he is 100% of the day and night in his bed now. He is too weak even to be lifted out of bed, even if there were someone strong there to do it. It's so close now.
I am beyond stressed about my mother after his passing. She will be alone in an area far from family (we do really love the community she is in) but she will have no way to pay her bills and get her groceries. She can't drive b/c of her disability. She can't come live here, I have a small 1BD in nyc. It's a really hard situation. To top it off, I can't in any way help her financially, my partner just lost his job and I am drowning in unpaid maternity leave. I will be back to work at 6 weeks with a newborn (leaving him with daddy, at least).
And baby shows no sign of coming any time soon. Who would want to come out here into this stressful world of mom crying all day? We're having a homebirth and my midwife supports us waiting until 42 weeks to even start NSTs, and even then inducing at home if things looked bad.
I cannot stand people saying anything about "circle of life." There is nothing comforting about any of this. There are no life lessons and no "meant to be"s. It's just cruel. My father would have been an amazing grandfather, he was absolutley the best dad anyone could have hoped for.
I want him to live to meet the baby so badly. I'm so pessimistic about it happening now. I'm trying so hard to stay calm for the sake of the baby and to relax enough to go into labor. It's damn hard to stay calm. I don't want to go to a funeral with a overdue pregnant belly. I don't want to go with a newborn. I don't want to PLAN a funeral on a tight budget and feel like we're not giving dad what he deserves.
I may never have another baby. My partner doesn't want more than one. I hate that my possibly ONLY babymoon and pregnancy has been and will be so sad. I have looked forward to this moment my whole life, and I can't enjoy it. Even my inhumanely short 6 weeks at home will be filled with grief and funeral planning and planning where my mom will be and separation from my partner if I need to stay with her. When what I REALLY need to be doing during that time is pumping and building up my freezer stash. This is not what I want. I want to be with my baby and I want him to have a grandfather and I want my mother taken care of.
Enough crying for now. I have to breathe deeply for the baby.
to you, to babe to be, and warm thoughts and concern for your family. Hang in there.
