How knock sense into DH about paying debt?

[dex_millie]

I just want to scream sometimes. DH just doesn't see paying debt or people back as a big deal. For instance we owe his mom 5000(for 4 years now). He thinks since we owe so much we just pay a little at a time and save up all the rest of our money. First off all we have a potential with his income alone of having an extra 1000 or a little more per month(for savings, debt, whatever). Then there is my PT income, which is about to go for a month after this baby, but I bring in 800-1300 extra a month. There is no reason why we can't pay his mom.

And the thing that bothers me is that when my bro. had lend about $300 and they went an buy rings, he was wondering why they would do that when they owe us He did want his little 300 back, but yet has owed his MOM and is Bro(3500, who we just paid off this year).

Last year Tax return went into getting a car(paid for of course, nothing to his mom). This year Tax return some went into getting an eliptical, air purifier and food processor (all came up to 2300). I put some on the CC and saved the rest for the Midwife. My gosh that was half of the money he owed his Mom.

This man is driving me crazy with his thinking. I just don't feel like discussing anything finicial with him, I should just start sending his mom money.

[iowaorganic]

Originally Posted by dex_millie

I should just start sending his mom money.

Take your own advice.

[WNB]

I think if the debt is bothering you, and you feel it should be a higher priority to pay for, then you should a) start paying it off, and b) be more assertive about limiting purchases of non-essentials that could disrupt payment for "essentials" (including the debts you're prioritizing as essentials).

I guess it seems most worrisome because the lax attitude toward the family-held debt seems to be translating into a lax attitude toward debt that actually costs you money (ie, the CC that covered part of the big purchases the tax refund didn't cover).

[jeliphish]

I agree with the PP...call his mother, apologize for the tardiness in repaying her kindness and begin making a payment arrangement.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by WNB

I think if the debt is bothering you, and you feel it should be a higher priority to pay for, then you should a) start paying it off, and b) be more assertive about limiting purchases of non-essentials that could disrupt payment for "essentials" (including the debts you're prioritizing as essentials).

I guess it seems most worrisome because the lax attitude toward the family-held debt seems to be translating into a lax attitude toward debt that actually costs you money (ie, the CC that covered part of the big purchases the tax refund didn't cover).

We didn't put any of it on the CC. The tax refund paid for it. That is the next thing, we could have just cleared the CC (it has 800 left that will be cleared the end of this month, but still). I told him we need to sit down and talk because we have different views, but sometimes I think I should just start sending stuff so he doesn't feel like I don't want to take his suggestions.

[hollytheteacher]

Have him read the Total Money Makeover. The Dave Ramsey book. It is really good because, honestly, it makes you feel like an idiot for being in debt. Like, he kind of insults you (but in a good motivating type way).

Maybe it will damage his ego just enough to want to pay back his mom? kwim?

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by hollytheteacher

Have him read the Total Money Makeover. The Dave Ramsey book. It is really good because, honestly, it makes you feel like an idiot for being in debt. Like, he kind of insults you (but in a good motivating type way).

Maybe it will damage his ego just enough to want to pay back his mom? kwim?

Oh, how I wish he would read it. He is not that into reading those types of books. And right now he is preparing to take a certification test, which he is studying alone so it will take him about 2 months before he could take the exam.
He just seems like he is not in 'this world'. He puts himself and his wants first w/o thinking about how others maybe feeling and when I mention it to him, he just says that if it was really bothering them, they would say something. He knows his mom, he says

I am going to send her money soon anyways, if he think 5000 is big then what he going think when I want to start knocking down them student loans...geez

[traceface]

Originally Posted by dex_millie

I should just start sending his mom money.

Ok, I kind of feel like, it is *his* mom. He needs to do the cutting-back work to pay her back. The money was borrowed, after all, on the basis of him being her son.

If I were you, OP, I would put aside an amount every month for your own savings, even just cash in a drawer. If you need it because of his financial responsibility, it's there. You guys probably don't have emergency fund, and that can be the beginning of it.

But he should realize on his own that it's wrong to not pay back his mom - not have you or her announce to him blithely one day, "oh, that's been paid back" with no pain to him.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by traceface

Ok, I kind of feel like, it is *his* mom. He needs to do the cutting-back work to pay her back. The money was borrowed, after all, on the basis of him being her son.

If I were you, OP, I would put aside an amount every month for your own savings, even just cash in a drawer. If you need it because of his financial responsibility, it's there. You guys probably don't have emergency fund, and that can be the beginning of it.

But he should realize on his own that it's wrong to not pay back his mom - not have you or her announce to him blithely one day, "oh, that's been paid back" with no pain to him.

We have an emergency fund. I am on the DR program as much as I can. He doesn't have a problem saving, he rather us save most of the money than to pay her. Like he would rather us gave her 200 a month and save all the extra we have coming in. I think that is ridiculous, that would take about 4 years to pay the woman off and it has already been 4 years since she lend the money out.

We have an ING Direct account also, that I put away money every month. He really leaves me to do the finiacial work, he had ask if I wanted to let him take over but I said no. He doesn't even know how to get on to any of the accounts w/o me. Even though I have encourage him to get more active into it. So if something was to happen to me he would have to go through alot to get onto the ING Direct account and to do anything online with our checking account.

He just doesn't think of debt like that. I feel like even if I were to get rid off all our debt, he wouldn't fully appreciate it because to him it just ain't a big deal. (Like me using cloth diapers to save money, it is like whatever, it doesn't matter cloth or disposibles, I swear he lives in a different world by himself).

[p1gg1e]

Go to Dave Ramsey's web site and find a class in your area. Take your DH to the class.

That was how I got my DH on the same page , I had to drag him infront of a man ( he is funny) and have him say the things ive been saying.

I even wrote a post like your 1.5 years ago. My DH wouldn't even let me talk to him about the grocery money!

[ginger_rodgers]

OP, you make money. Your dh doesn't sound like the most responsible guy moneywise, and you should be putting money into your own savings account, in your name only, if only to make sure there's some protection for yourself and your kids. It's not 1960, and you don't need your husband's permission to do this.

When we married, my xh wanted us to share all our finances, because that's how he'd always seen things done, and he had some idea that it was cold or untrusting to do otherwise. I, on the other hand, had lived 15 years as a financially independent woman, and didn't see much reason to give that up just because we were married. Money and love, two very different things. So we had three sets of accounts: His, hers, and ours. "Ours" paid for shared expenses, like the mortgage and utilities. Whatever went on in "his" and "hers" was private. We had no shared debt (mortgage was his solely), no shared credit cards.

And a good thing, too. Because, like your dh, he wasn't all that fussed about paying off debts before he went and bought himself new toys, and over time he blew through a sizeable inheritance, kept spending after he was disabled, and ran up a credit-card bill that started snowballing. Since it was all his, I basically did some credit counseling for him, but after he cut up the card, he was responsible for paying off the debt himself. His problem, not mine, not the family's.

It was also good because, unfortunately, we did divorce. And because I'd kept my money clearly separate throughout, I walked out of the marriage with all the property I'd come in with, and all the family gifts to me intact. Let me tell you, it came in handy. And because my credit was separate, I was able to refinance my house a couple of weeks ago.

Just because you love the guy doesn't mean you have to stand still for his yanking you around financially. Nor should you be involved in any family debt. Frankly, it sounds to me like he's kind of spoiled and used to having people give him large "presents", and he's probably delighted he's found such a responsible lady to take care of things at home!

I'd let him worry over his own debt and look after your own savings. (What's your retirement plan? Have you got a Roth set up? Emergency savings of your own? An account with some mad money?) And don't lend to your hubby out of it.

[dex_millie]

So should I just drop this 'want to pay your mother back thing' and just start paying my student loans off? I have one that is 10,000 and the other 18,000. I have come to realize DH is a selfish person and he doesn't even realize it. He has done somethings over the past year that is making me question his morals.

I started a 401K but have it on hold now because I was trying to pay off our debt first, but since I don't bring home that much (maybe 800-1000 per month) I guess I could take it off hold?

I actually come from a family w/ shared accounts too and that was just the norm for me. I can see now why some people do differently, but I find it easier with people who both have FT jobs.

The next thing is if I try to do 'separate accounts' he would definitely start acting funny. He is the bread winner and I don't know how long my job is going to last. I guess when they get tired of having somebody work from home PT. He might go into 'a rebellious mood'.

[Cheshire]

I'd try to sit him down and plan a new budget to meet both of your needs. He wants to save and you want to pay off the debt, especially to his mom. Compromise - instead of sending her $200 and saving the rest combine that $200 with what you are saving and split it. Send her half and save half.

Somehow, he needs to see that you do not feel respected when it comes to money decisions. He doesn't see that your contributions to the family make a difference (i.e. cloth diapering). Once he realizes that it is more than just the money issues - that it is a case of respect and love for his spouse it might help him wake up and take on the responsibility to hear what you are saying and meet you half way.

I'd get her paid off quickly. When I first read your post I thought he needs to feel what it feels like to be the lender to a family member and have to wait to be paid back. But, then you posted about him loaning the $300. It doesn't seem to register for him that it is the same. Or, maybe his mom doesn't really care how long it takes him to pay her back??? The $200 a month is okay for her??? Maybe give her a ring and ask her how she feels? If she is fine with it then I'd drop it and just keep paying the $200. If she would like to be paid back quicker I'd let DH know. If he won't deal with it I would.

Best wishes!