Thanks for your help, everyone!

[Tigeresse]

*Thanks to all who helped. I'll start a new thread if I have more concerns.

[choli]

Is there some reason that you don't want to simply ask your son about this situation?

[fek&fuzz]

my brother was your son's age when a married woman (her age) with children began an inappropriate relationship with him. she continued to stalk him even after he tried to end it later.

I would tell her to back off and leave your son alone. Would you hesitate at all if the genders were reversed?

[Dar]

Yeah, I get the squick vibe, too. She may just be enjoying it at the level it's at now - I sort of flirtatious relationship with a much younger guy - but I think you're wise to be aware, and I would talk to him... from the "that would be inappropriate" comment, it sounds like he may already be somewhat uncomfortable, and it also seems that it might be hard for him to set boundaries with her because your families are close).

If this was your teenage daughter, and this other mom was a dad, what would you think?

Dar

[chiromamma]

If your gut is telling you this is not right you should listen. I second what Dar says about if the genders were reversed.
Good luck. You're an amazing mom to put so much thought into this.

[tinyblackdot]

Totally weird and inappropriate.

[jeliphish]

totally gross and absolutely inappropriate. I would discuss this matter with your adult friend.

[Tigeresse]

You all are so right by asking me to consider what I'd be doing if the genders were reversed. Probably would not have gotten this far. However, my1st thought when I started worrying about this was that I was just jealous that she was being a really cool "mom" w/ds, giving him extra attention that is hard for me while having 3 other kids to raise and dealing with other realities as his parent. I was/am still wanting to confirm that I'm not being paranoid.

I started getting weird feelings in the pit of my stomach I'd say in January, just brought it up to my dh last week (although comments were made previously), and began looking at facebook on Mon and Tues. It was mainly the FB stuff that kind of sealed it for me, but based on our familys' relationship I am hesitant to make any type of confrontation without stepping back and taking some breaths, also documenting what I know so far. Knowing what I now know on FB (most assuredly not everything) I would like to see how she(they)react the next time they see each other.

I feel like I need to have my ducks in a row before confrontation, and thought it more appropriate to talk with her, as she carries a greater responsibility in this. Maybe we should talk to our ds before her, but not knowing the full extent of the relationship I don't know if ds might forewarn her.

I also don't want to open the can of worms when I am about to leave town.

Any more thoughts?

[choli]

I think you should talk to your son before you confront her. There are a couple of issues here. It may be not be what you fear it is. On the other hand, it may well be what you fear it is, and completely consensual on his part. He is 17. What is the age of consent for males where you live? If he is above the age of consent then there really is little you can do to prevent him from having a relationship with this woman if that is what he really wants. A confrontation might have the effect of making him move out of your house and into hers, and that is probably not the best thing for anyone involved.

A non-confrontational talk with your son to see how he feels about this whole situation (and to find out what the situtation actually IS) before speaking to the woman is probably the safest way to go.

[jeliphish]

update us when you can

[Tigeresse]

Thanks, dh and I are rethinking the idea of confronting the friend 1st without talking to ds. We will probably wait the weekend. It's not like he rushes in the door to get on facebook, in fact I think he has only been on once since I walked in on the chat.

I don't know what the age of consent is here, but he is not 17 yet. I'm hoping it isn't 16.

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by Dar

Yeah, I get the squick vibe, too. She may just be enjoying it at the level it's at now - I sort of flirtatious relationship with a much younger guy - but I think you're wise to be aware, and I would talk to him... from the "that would be inappropriate" comment, it sounds like he may already be somewhat uncomfortable, and it also seems that it might be hard for him to set boundaries with her because your families are close).

If this was your teenage daughter, and this other mom was a dad, what would you think?

Dar

Absolutely!

You need to tell her to back off. She's already destroyed the friendship by preying on your ds. I think your ds needs you to step in on this one--he probably doesn't know how to handle this alone.

Sorry your "friend" turned out to be so . . . creepy.

[Tjej]

I think it depends on how mature your son is. I didn't even think of it until after I read your first post, but something like this happened to me when I was 17-18. A guy who was an adult mentor-type person made some very inappropriate suggestions about taking our friendship to another level, and I was of sound enough mind to tell him that was inappropriate and high-tail it out of that mentorship. It would have been nice, in retrospect, to have had my parents to talk with about it - if they would have brought it up, I surely would have talked with them about it, but I didn't feel comfortable with bringing it up myself because nothing had "really" happened and because of our families relationships.

So anyway, from my "sort of been there" perspective, if you feel that your son is mature enough to talk with you about this person - and if you feel you can do a talk in a way that supports him and doesn't cut down either of them (we've noticed a level of attention and behavior from X that makes us uncomfortable, and we're wondering what you think about it), it might open the door for him to talk with you about it now or if anything odd does come up in the future.

Tjej

[Tanibani]

I'm a 40 yr old mom and I'll tell ya' one thing right now... that sounds totally inappropriate! She is flirting with a boy - a minor. I have no advice for you, but only that I agree with all the bells going off in your head.

I like the advice of giving him some support. The last thing you want is to confront her, then have her corner him and then what. Can he handle some irrational grown woman? I think that's a lot of ask of any 16-17 yr old.

[bigeyes]

Your instinct is dead on. When I was a senior in high school one of my classmates skipped town immediately following graduation with another classmate's mother.

I would be beyond squicked out if one of my children were interacting with an adult friend in that manner.

[400%mama]

Go with your gut, Mama! My skin was crawling with the heebie jeebies just reading your post- that woman is up to no good!

What is her relationship with her husband like? Does she act differently toward her husband when your DS is around?

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by Tjej

(we've noticed a level of attention and behavior from X that makes us uncomfortable, and we're wondering what you think about it)
Tjej

Thanks for this! We've been wracking our brains trying to decide how to approach this with ds without being confrontational. We will talk with him and then decide what the next step will be.

[Marsupialmom]

If this was your dd what would you do.

Mrs. Robinson gets off because she is making a boy a man.......

She is getting her self estemed lifted by your son. This can turn out to be a very bad situation.

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

She is getting her self estemed lifted by your son. This can turn out to be a very bad situation.

Oh yeah, she is.

[lilyka]

creepy!!

even if it is innocent she is undermining your parental role and that is not ok.