Cesarean support circle V (December 12) - Page 2

[its_our_family]

Luckily I have myself completely prepared for a repeat. I just know I have to try...kwim?

[Hikaru]

I totally kwim Good luck on the VBAC, I really hope it happens for you.
And don't let anyone tell you that you have a negative attitude for
being mentally prepared for a repeat cesarian...it could happen to anyone and it's helpful to know what to expect if it does and try to make it a positive experience. That isn't negative, it's just realistic. When my DS was born, I wasn't prepared at all, hadn't even entertained the possibility, and the shock and disappointement was really hard to get over.

[OnTheFence]

Originally posted by its_our_family
I am so completely confused right now. I know if i don't try and vbac I'll never let myself go of it. I'll always be thinking...what if. I feel like I was cheated out of so much with Tracy and I want something better than I had with his delivery. I know I need to listen to my body when the time comes but right now I can't stop listening to my heart. My mind is saying screw-it and plan the c/b. The rest of me is aching for the birth exp I didn't have.

I don't know what to do. I haven't really "prepared" for a vbac. I can't get up the energy or desire to look at any books or do anymore research (I haven't done that much anyway). I don't know why I jsut cannot get into this.

I have been there and done that and now have the t-shirt.
I am going to be really honest, please no throwing eggs.

I still fantisize about my ideal birth. I sometimes wonder if I get pregnant again, if I have another baby, the next time I might just....... I know it is not going to happen for me -- not just physically but spiritually. I have had to come to terms with my cesarean births on a spiritual level that is so hard to describe and I know that with Jack in my mind and in my heart that planning and having a repeat c/b was the best decision for myself and my baby.

I know there are women who just plan repeat csections and go with the flow of things, but I know so many more women now, that know the risks of csections, and make a choice to repeat that method of birth over a VBAC for so many reasons -medical, emotional, etc. The thing is IOF, you need to make this decision for you. Why haven't you prepared for a VBAC? Is there something in you telling you something different? Is there any fears or concerns holding you back? You say in your mind you want to do one thing, your heart another but what does you intuition and gut say to you.

My aunt, bless her soul, gave me some sound advice. Go with your gut -- it is rarely wrong. The day I went into the hospital to have a planned cesarean with my daughter I chickened out. I was afraid of everything I read (silent knife for one), I was afraid of the OR, I was afraid I would die and I went against my inner voice that said "this is okay, you can have a csection" and said "hell no, lets do this and that and see if I can have that vaginal birth" Some may say I was resolved but I wasnt, my gut said to do the csection, my heart said vaginal and I denied my gut and it cost me big.

I planned, I made peace, I meditated, I prepared myself in every way for a repeat csection. I felt at peace about this decision. Not to say I wouldn't have loved to VBAC but my planned, thought out cbirth brought me peace and I felt very capable of handling anything. And I did. It was a great experience, a wonderful delivery, a wonderful baby moon -- and I felt very good about my decision with no regrets.

[its_our_family]

My gut tells me to plan the c/b...today it does anyway. tomorrow it'll say I can vbac.

I jsut have to get my ducks in a row and sit down and talk with my dh. Up until now its been about what I want and how feel and such. I really need to see where he stands and what he feels in his heart.

I feel so stupid cause I should have figured this out months ago....

[Peppermint]

IOF

6-8 weeks from now, you will be holding your baby. How he gets here is only partially in your hands (As you know), I think talking it through with your dh, trying hard to really listen to your insides, and prayer will really help you through.

Are you frightened of rupture, is that what is holding you back, or are you frightened that you will try for a vaginal birth again and don't want to "fail"? There is no "failure" in childbirth, none, no matter how anyone in the "natural" community makes you feel. You are a healthy mama with a healthy baby, 6-8 weeks from now, when you can still say the same, you will be truly blessed, so don't take that for granted.

I hope you can get some peace with all of this really soon, and enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy.

[its_our_family]

I have a healthy "concern" for rupture. I know it is remotely possible but I have no fear of it happening.

I think I'm mainly having issues with "failing" again. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. I'm afraid of what I went through with Tracy. I was induced so I know that the labor I did have was probably not typical...it was hell from the pitocin....

I need to talk to dh....

[MamaOui]

think I'm mainly having issues with "failing" again. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. I'm afraid of what I went through with Tracy. I was induced so I know that the labor I did have was probably not typical...it was hell from the pitocin....

I had no pit with my c-sec, but I had it with my VBAC and it was hell. So I guess what I think the relevance of telling you my experience is that every labor and birth is different (which I am sure you already know, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded). I also realize now that the pit I had may not have been necessary or at least the amount used was not necessary.

I had the same fear of "failure" with my VBAC and it is quite common for women in labor with their VBAC baby to flash back to their c-sec experience. I did in the middle of labor. I think it's a good start to express those fears and let them out. Just know that you are not alone.

If you honestly feel like a VBAC is really possible for you, then it's never too late to try. Or at least you might consider letting your labor start to happen and then seeing how you feel at the time. If you have a plan for both situations, maybe that could help you let go a bit. If I remember correctly, you have a doula and she could really help advocate for you and maybe allow you a bit a emotional and physical "space" to let labor begin and see where it goes from there.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you can make peace with your decision. I wish you a healthy and happy baby. If you have any VBAC questions, feel free to PM me as I don't want to get too "preachy" or "gung ho" on this particular thread. I realize the intention of this thread so I don't want to get to far OT. (although I probably already have).

[Missgrl]

Sometimes the fear of ''fear'' is worse than it really it is. I mean,
sometimes you can build up the fear so much in your head that it is
way more amplified than the reality would be.

Try to distinguish what you are afraid of more. Are you afraid more
of the failing or the not trying for the VBAC? What would make you
more content? Trying the VBAC and possibly failing......or not trying
at all?

Tough questions?

But the reality is like what jess said "you'll be holding that beautiful
baby no matter how he gets here" and that's what counts.

[its_our_family]

Thanks ladies--

I'm really trying to evaluate why I want to vbac to begin with. I'm not sure if its a "yes, this is what I should do" or a "I'll show everyone that I can"

Its like what everyone else has said. We do everything else as natural as possible and I can't even give birth! I was sitting on the couch last night and my contractions over about 4 hours went from 15 minutes apart to 10 minutes apart to 5 minutes apart, and started gaining in intensity. But then I realized that they were real contractions not bh but they were nowhere near my cervix! I've had contractions galor and no change in my cervix (which is fine since I'm only 34 weeks) But for some reaosn I jsut keep thinking I'll just end up with another c/b.

I talked to dh about it and how he felt and he said, "Do I really have a say in it. I thought this is what you wanted" I was really surprised. I thought he would be totally gungho for vbac but now I'm not so sure. He asked if I go another 3 weeks and then say...I want a repeat if that can happen. I told him that at any point, even in labor, I can change my mind and have a c/b. He seemed to like that answer. I'm planning on talking to him more about it but not today...maybe it'll be good pillow talk

I know my mom will be much more confortable with a repeat but my mil will be disappointed even though she would never say it.

So, now I'm trying to figure out my motivation to even attempt vbac. Right now I'm feeling it is a pride issue.

I need to tell my dh the good thigns about planning. We could be more specific about how we want our c/b to go and end up happy with it in the end.

BTW...if the plan a repeat how early do they do it normally? I know this might sound bad but if we do decide to repeat Jan 20 would be perfect...11 days before my edd.

[Peppermint]

IOF- How are things going? Have you come to any decisions yet? Hoping you've found peace with all of it

Now, here's my thought for today- I wish I were "mainstream" sometimes. I know "mainstream" (for lack of a better word) women who have CHOSEN c-birth, for all kinds of reasons not medically related. I hear the occasional person say, "Oh, you are so lucky to have a c-section, no labor, vagina stays nice and tight, no work, scheduled birth, etc."

Why don't I look at it all that way? Why don't I get all excited that I am "lucky enough" to have a c-birth?

I am trying to get my mind around this in the next 4.5 weeks, I want to go into my birth just relaxed, happy, excited, trusting, etc. But I picture myself outside the OR (this is a scene from right before ds was born), telling the nurse I needed to sit up on the stretcher, and desperately looking for the easiest escape route.

I really wish I could look at it the way some of these people I talk to do.

I do need to at least get over the anxiety- if not become terribly excited about the way the baby comes out.

Maybe these people are just more trusting of the medical establishment?

[Star Baby]

hi there...

i haven't posted to this discussion as of yet, but the time is drawing very niegh indeed. friday, i will have a c-section to bring my son into the world.

i had an emergency with my first child and now, having moved to a MUCH smaller town, haven't been given any option but repeat c. we truly went back and forth about it and have decided to go with the section. i'm still a bit heart broken, i think i would have made a great vbac candidate, but alas, it has gone the other way.

so 8am, friday, day after christmas. i'm so excited, but tonight, i'm just achy. this baby is all over thep lace and part of me worries he'll try to debut before friday. hopefully he'll stay put.

i do find myself thinking the worst. it's tough after educating yourself thoroughly about natural birth to do the repeat c. tough is an understatement. i know too much! do you ever feel that way? i guess i'm just writing to share, get some well wishes and to thank you for supporting each other with this less desirable option.

thanks,
star baby

[Peppermint]

I will be thinking of you on Friday, and wishing you the very best birth experience, and lots of joy with your new baby.

[Hikaru]

Star baby, my thoughts will be with you too. As I'm typing this you're probbly already holding your baby..I look forward to reading your birth story.

[simonee]

just ambling in here... realizing how close IOF is to giving birth...

IOF, my cb with dd1 was a lot like yours. I vbac'ed last summer, because that's basically what ppl are expected to do here. it went fine, there was no expectation pattern toward cb from anybody so the issue never came up.

you can have both ways, you know. unless you develop complications, you can go into labor, and the delivery can be by cb if necessary. to me, being in labor was the big deal, that's where i conquered the forced cb i had before. my delivery wasn't unaided since i had a big epi, but it's okay. i learned that my body will go into labor and open up, and that my babies can be born the way I want it.

that's the difference, you know. my first cb wasn't done the way i wanted it. you can have a cb now if that's the way you want it. no failure involved htere.

good luck

[its_our_family]

I posted ont he wrong thread so this is cut paste from there....

Thanks for so much support through all of this. I feel like a whiner but it is easier to whine to you than dh sometimes...

We will have a tentative c/b date of 2/8/04 this will make me 41wks and some days(I still have to schedule it). Dh have discussed it and if our baby has not made an appearance by 41 weeks I will have a repeat. I talked to the ob and she said that they love vbac moms. However, she wanted me to be aware that if I am visibly in labor for more than 8 hours and I have stalled out in pregression that they will siggest a repeat. Dh and I discussed it and we believe that if my body stalls out we will agree to a repeat but it will probably be in less than 8 hours.

They prefer repeat moms to not have a trial of labor but they will allow me to.

We are much happier here because at any point in labor or before I can change my mind and jsut have the repeat. I did not have this option at the birthing cener or with the midwives. Well, I did but then my care would be immediately turned over to an ob, whom I have never met.

So, we are much much happier where we are!!

[Hikaru]

it's our family, I am so glad that you've got a plan you're happy with. and very soon you'll have a new baby to hold!
I wish you a positive birth experience and a healthy baby.

Hikaru

[OnTheFence]

I'm back from vacation from the evil WDW. :LOL

I am glad that we are finally going to get our subforum. I just hope it doesnt turn into a us against them thread and that we can really get some supportive people to post there.

IOF -- I am glad you have a plan and have made some decisions reguarding your future birth. Whatever happens, I hope you get what you want and need from it.

Kim

[Missgrl]

Originally posted by its_our_family
Luckily I have myself completely prepared for a repeat. I just know I have to try...kwim?

I"m glad you made a decision! Like I said before, you sound like you'll
be proud of yourself if you at least try and "fail" rather than not trying
at all!

I wish you tons of good luck

[its_our_family]

Thanks! I have great signs as far as signs go!!

This baby has dropped and I believe is engaged. This never happened with Tracy! He never ever dropped. He was always floating. My contactions have also increased in frequency and duration...not to mention intensity! When I have them half of them I cannot walk thorugh. I have to stand or squat or sit! I take that as a good thing!

I have an appt on tuesday and I'll see if anything is happening!

[Hikaru]

Wow, sounds to me like your baby is getting ready to be born!
How wonderful. Keep us posted!