things to say/NOT say to friend with a preemie?

[geo_girl]

Hi there,
a good friend had a very unexpected birth at 31 weeks. Their little guy is doing well, and will be in the hospital for 6-8 weeks.

I was speaking with her a couple of nights ago about birthing, what to expect the first couple of days, etc, etc (I have a 7mo and a 2.5yo).

...we heard from her DH that she had to have an emergency C-Section.

anyway, just wondering if there were anythings that you ladies would have liked to have heard during the first couple of weeks, or things that you never want to hear again?

TIA
charlene

[Amys1st]

the list is long. Check out the stickys at the top of this forum. HTH! And congrats to your friend!

[felix23]

Don't criticize her choice to have a c-section. I had people do that and it really hurt.

Gush over her baby just like you would any other baby. Tell her how cute and perfect he is. I know when I had dd1 some people came in acting like they were going to a funeral, and it was depressing.

If you are going to offer to help, actually do what you said you would. I don't know how many people said that they would help out, but when it came down to it, only my mom and SIL did.

I hope it is a short and non-eventful NICU stay.

Rachel

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by felix23

Don't criticize her choice to have a c-section. I had people do that and it really hurt.
Gush over her baby just like you would any other baby. Tell her how cute and perfect he is. I know when I had dd1 some people came in acting like they were going to a funeral, and it was depressing.

If you are going to offer to help, actually do what you said you would. I don't know how many people said that they would help out, but when it came down to it, only my mom and SIL did.

I hope it is a short and non-eventful NICU stay.

Rachel

I second that! I had an emergency c section that actaully saved my dd's life and I got flak IRL and on MDC. Thanks for bringing that up!

[Spring Lily]

Don't question the decision about the c-section--often with preemies it can be dangerous to attempt a vaginal delivery, and people don't understand that.

Don't focus on the baby's size. She already KNOWS the baby is small, it probably wrenches at her heart every second as it is. It's nice to focus on the cuteness of the baby, family features, and figuring out the baby's personality.

And the big one, to me: DON'T ask when the baby is coming home! The NICU is a day by day thing, it's really hard to predict when the baby can leave, and having to tell people over and over really wears you down. Especially when it is constantly on your mind as it is.

Do:
* ask her how she's recovering
* ask her if she needs help with anything, like making meals or getting a ride to the hospital (can't drive for 2 weeks after a c/s)
* ask her how the baby is doing today--not focusing on the future, just today
* just respond to what she's saying, instead of trying to make it better. If the baby didn't gain weight today or is back on oxygen etc, telling her it'll be ok doesn't help where she is right now.
* ask her how she likes the nurses - some are great, some aren't, and it can be supportive or stressful
* let her know that you're there if she needs any emotional support in the coming weeks
* suggest visiting a NICU/preemie forum to get support & info from other moms who have been in her shoes. At a certain point I got tired of crying every time a friend asked how I was, and with reading/typing stuff online you don't have someone watching/listening to you cry

[lindberg99]

You know what drove me nuts was a lot of people assumed once my baby was 4 lbs, he was ready to come home. Well, my 30 weeker was never under 4 lbs and he was still there for like 5 weeks. People would ask what he weighed and I'd say 4.5 or 5 lbs or whatever and they'd say "Why isn't he home??"

[MommySW]

Geo-

In addition to the great things others have already posted, I would definitely say, as the great friend that you are, plan to give MORE support to mom when the baby comes home. Most people are all over you with support right after the premie pops out, then slowly everyone fades into the background once it's time for discharge. Depending on her babies needs, she will definitely need the extra support then.

Most of the things I can think of NOT to say are things that strangers or people I wasn't so close to said. Some of the things I heard:

In reaction to seeing my 5 month premie graduate with his nasal canula in the grochery store, people would come up and say "AWWWW, what' wrong with him??" I would say "Nothing" and smile. They hated that.

Also, when people compare their "premature" deliveries at 34 weeks and above to my 27 weeker made me want to cry. "Oh yeah, I know just what you're going through, my son was born three weeks early and had to stay in the hospital for 5 extra days!"---yes I'm sure that was agony, but compared to my 27 weeker who was in the NICU for 5 months and BARELY made it, it does not comfort ME in the least!

Another thing that you will be able to help your friend with, is do not complete your own little developmental assessment on the premie. People can be very ignorant ( and I was one before I had one of my own). When my son was one month old and only 32 weeks gestationally people would be asking if he was smiling, and at 5 months assumed something was wrong with him because he wasn't sitting up at 5 months, even though he was only two months gestational. Chances are this baby could have developmental delays so just support your friend by reminding her that the baby will catch up and to only judge the baby from it's gestational age, not from the birthday.

[sarlusan]

The only thing I would add is don't have expectations on your friend right now. I remember people getting mad at me for not calling them back. The only thing your friend can focus on right now is her baby in the NICU. Just keep telling her in different ways that you care, and let her respond however she is able.

She is lucky she has such a great friend!

[waldenmommy]

A friend once asked how I was doing, and I said fine. She said, "Are you REALLY fine or are you just saying that?" I laughed and then told her how I was really doing.

And if one more person told me it was all for the best, I was going to knock them into next week...

[sbrinton]

I'm not sure if I would say anything...but I'm sure she would love a cup of coffee or tea, a glass of wine, babysitting for older kids, something special for the her or the baby, etc.

I had a 31 weeker in November and I'm used to a lot of odd comments. People didn't really understand why I was home from the hospital without the baby and most had no idea how terribly diffiult that was. Few people understand what it is like to spend months at a hospital. It was a crazy, sureal time. I guess if anything, it would have been nice to have someone who listened well.

[~bookcase~]

Originally Posted by sarlusan

The only thing I would add is don't have expectations on your friend right now. I remember people getting mad at me for not calling them back. The only thing your friend can focus on right now is her baby in the NICU. Just keep telling her in different ways that you care, and let her respond however she is able.

She is lucky she has such a great friend!

- i had NO TIME to go around phoning people back, but i did appreciate everyone who persisted in calling and leaving me messages of love/prayers. it showed me who was loving us really, truly, deeply, and who needed to be thanked to stay in touch!!!

someone giving me healthy snack bars to eat/ nuts and dried fruits would have been lovely. you need quick fixes that will keep you well when you're dashing around trying to maximise your time. a bag of non messy goodies like that (ie: stuff you can throw in your bag and not worry if it spills!) would have been a God send to me.

[geo_girl]

Thank you ladies for all of your insights!

...I'm sorry that you all had to go through what must have been a tremendously difficult situation. I will keep in mind the thoughtful advice.

I think that continued support, sensitivity and love are the key components... I hope that you are all doing well in your respective situations,

charlene

[noahs.mom06]

Continued support is huge. When DD was first born, we had lots of visitors, people asking about her, bringing us meals, etc. As time dragged on, all of that stopped. And really, I think it would have been better if it was the other way around. In the beginning I wanted to be left alone to be with her for the most part, but then like 3 months into it I struggled a lot more emotionally and would have really benefited from visits, meals, etc.
Just DO things too, don't ask what she needs or what you can do for her. Just think about what you would need or want if you were in her situation, and do it.
(I didn't have a preemie, but we've been in the NICU for 4 months now.)

[Miss 1928]

Thank you Geo Girl for asking this, and thank you to all the Mammas who replied. This has been an informative thread for me. My friend just had her son at 33 weeks --he's home now-- and other than pointing her in the direction of MDC and getting her a subscription to Mothering I haven't really known what else to do. I can't really be of any real help because she and I are in different countries, separated by an ocean. I wish I could go over and do her dishes and laundry for her.

[Freedom~Mama]

Originally Posted by MommySW

Geo-

In addition to the great things others have already posted, I would definitely say, as the great friend that you are, plan to give MORE support to mom when the baby comes home. Most people are all over you with support right after the premie pops out, then slowly everyone fades into the background once it's time for discharge. Depending on her babies needs, she will definitely need the extra support then.

Most of the things I can think of NOT to say are things that strangers or people I wasn't so close to said. Some of the things I heard:

In reaction to seeing my 5 month premie graduate with his nasal canula in the grochery store, people would come up and say "AWWWW, what' wrong with him??" I would say "Nothing" and smile. They hated that.

Also, when people compare their "premature" deliveries at 34 weeks and above to my 27 weeker made me want to cry. "Oh yeah, I know just what you're going through, my son was born three weeks early and had to stay in the hospital for 5 extra days!"---yes I'm sure that was agony, but compared to my 27 weeker who was in the NICU for 5 months and BARELY made it, it does not comfort ME in the least!

Another thing that you will be able to help your friend with, is do not complete your own little developmental assessment on the premie. People can be very ignorant ( and I was one before I had one of my own). When my son was one month old and only 32 weeks gestationally people would be asking if he was smiling, and at 5 months assumed something was wrong with him because he wasn't sitting up at 5 months, even though he was only two months gestational. Chances are this baby could have developmental delays so just support your friend by reminding her that the baby will catch up and to only judge the baby from it's gestational age, not from the birthday.

The section I bolded really stood out for me and got me all riled up just thinking about it! I am a two time preemie mama of 27 and 28 weekers and I got a lot of comments about people knowing just how I felt because they had a 35 week preemie that spent a couple days in the NICU. I try to be understanding but that is a totally different thing than having a preemie under 2 lbs that has to have heart surgery and is in the NICU for 4 months.

I just wish people had treated my babies as "real" babies. Everyone acted like if they touched them they would break even though my youngest was 7.5 lbs when she came home. It made me feel like I never got to experience the happy homecoming that most people do or the baby shower, labor, etc. I feel like I was robbed of so much with never having a full term pregnancy and another thing I hate is when full term mamas b*tch about aches and pains associated with being full term. I am sure that stinks but I barely even made it to the 3rd tri either time and I think it is a really insensitive thing to say in front of a preemie mama.

I guess I just feel different and feel like only preemie mamas can understand me and what I went through and how hard it really is to have a preemie.

[Elisabethc]

What's worst is when I had my twins and I had one home and had to wait ten days for the next one to come home.

The worst comment was from my MIL- ' Is it hard to not have your babies with you'. As much as I love her, I wanted to kill her.

Be there for them, ask how she is doing, if she needs a ride, support her. Get her things for herself, or a journal to write progress down in ( I never did it, but I know alot of people do). Be a friend to her, it will help her immensly.

[Siera]

I would say mostly support the mom. She's having a hard, emotional time that few if any around her will understand. Be there for her. Oh, and one thing I really hated, was hearing that "So and so was a preemie and look how big he is now!" I hated that -- I don't care about so and so, I care about my daughter and how she is doing. If you are a very close friend, you might want to help run "interference" for her -- keep toxic acquaintances away from her that you know might upset her.

[Stella_luna]

The two worst things for me were:

1) When people came in to visit or called and were crying, or acting like a big tragedy had happened, or reacted with shock and horror when they saw her. That really made me feel bad. I was so happy, so in love with her, and it made me so sad that her birth was not celebrated. People came in pitying me. I know she looked shocking--but I truly thought she was beautiful. One person told me the baby looked like she was in a lot of pain and very uncomfortable. Did people really think I hadn't noticed that, or that there was anything I could do about it?

2) I hated it when people would say how lucky I was not to have had a third trimester and gotten huge. Several people said this to me, and said how horrible it was to be hugely pregnant, and all the discomfort that comes with that. I actually told my boss at the time, "I'd rather be 11 months pregnant in August and weigh 200 pounds than deliver a 2-pound baby who I can't hold who is hooked up to a respirator and has to eat from a tube in her nose again." It was rude, but it did help her understand.

[henriksmom]

Stella_luna,
You are right that others do not understand. I was trying to get my good friend to understand about preterm birth and premature babies when she started bit**ing about being 26 weeks pregnant. I would give anything to make it farther than 30 weeks next time, if there will be a next time.