Birthparent forum (moved from Adoptive/Foster Parenting)

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by koalove

Absolutely right~ there are so many things i would love to ask a group of adoptive parents (who are the majority here) but this is not a forum for birthparents to get help/support/ask questions and my posts have been removed due to that. its so disappointing because birthparents rarely have access to the opinions and ideas of adoptive parents and i WISH this was an adoption board, for all members of the triad, not just one side of it.

I had no idea that birthparent issues were disallowed here. That doesn't seem right to me. I think all members of the triad should be able to get the support/info they are seeking. As an adoptive mom I am very interested in birthparent and adoptee issues. They help me know how to better raise my daughter.

I suggest that, as a group, we let MDC know we want a place for birthparent issues.

Personally, I think they should just be included in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting area. However, ifit doesn't work to include birthparent issues here, start a specific Birthparenting section.

What does everyone else think.

[candm]

Agree. I can't understand why Birthparents would not be welcome here. Am I missing something?

[queenjane]

If i recall correctly, this was hashed out a few years ago. The way it was explained then, is that this (mothering) is primarily a forum for parenting. It was sometimes hard to meet the needs of all members of the triad here in this forum, and there was often debates about adoption, with lots of moderation and hurt feelings. So, birthparents and adoptees were told that if they wanted to post about issues they were having related to adoption, to post on the personal growth forum, rather than here. I think this forum used to be called "Adoption" or "adoption issues"...? And then it was changed to Adoptive and Foster Parenting to better reflect the purpose of the forum.

I don't mind debate, or spirited discussion, so having all voices present here doesnt bother me. But i can see where its difficult for moderators, so i can understand the reasoning for the guidelines.


Katherine

[Polliwog]

I'm pretty sure that's what happened, as well. MDC must be a really hard place to moderate but their hard work pays off.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

Originally Posted by candm

Agree. I can't understand why Birthparents would not be welcome here. Am I missing something?

I don't think it was a matter of them not being welcome per se. I think what happened, or, rather, I know that some of what happened, is that there were some people posting who had come to feel (from their various perspectives and positions in the triad, and some not even in the triad at all) that adoption was/is fundamentally wrong. And that was pretty hurtful to a lot of people (again, from all perspectives in the triad). So, the scope of the forum was limited to just those who are adoptive/foster parents, as a support forum.

I too am very open and eager to hear from adoptees and birthparents. Like Katherine said, it really gives me valuable information on how to best raise my daughter.

[SundayCrepes]

When I first started on the adoption forum awhile back, there was a LOT of flaming. Actually, there were discussions in other areas of mdc about how much bashing happened in the adoption forum. However, I have not seen that in quite awhile. Maybe the mix of people we have now is different.

I really learn alot from the perspectives of birthparents and adoptees. Plus, if my perspective as an adoptive parent would help other members of the triad, I'd like to be able to offer it.

From time to time I go to adoption.com and read the birthparent support there. I avoid the adoptive parent section because they just aren't too supportive of the crunchy lifestyle. I can see where a crunchy birthparent or adoptee would like feedback from others in our community.

I can understand the historic need to cut back on non-supportive comments/ideas. But just as times changed then, perhaps times are changing now. What could we do to include all members of the adoption triad?

[queenjane]

I think other members of the triad are still welcome to post here and give input...but that posts questioning the ethics of adoption or that arent supportive of adoption arent to be posted (correct me if i'm wrong, somebody)...i think we HAVE had input from adoptees and birthparents here...just a recent thread about surrogate parenting had such input.


Katherine

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I think other members of the triad are still welcome to post here and give input...but that posts questioning the ethics of adoption or that arent supportive of adoption arent to be posted (correct me if i'm wrong, somebody)...i think we HAVE had input from adoptees and birthparents here...just a recent thread about surrogate parenting had such input. Katherine

I guess I'm confused. I can see issues and comments that are not supportive of adoption not being allowed here.

I thought the comments were that birthparent/adoptee topics were disallowed.

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by mybabysmama

I guess I'm confused. I can see issues and comments that are not supportive of adoption not being allowed here.

I thought the comments were that birthparent/adoptee topics were disallowed.

I may be wrong...but as i understand it, posts such as "Having a hard time coming to terms with my decision to place my baby for adoption" would be more appropriate to the Personal Growth forum (as decided by the mods) but if an adoptive parent starts a thread such as "Not sure what to call my child's birthmother" or some such thing, that everyone's input (including other members of the triad, bparents, adoptees, etc) would be welcome on that thread as long as things remained respectful. Does that make sense? I think it was decided (by the mods) that this forum was for foster/adoptive parents, and as such was not the best place for other triad members to work out feelings/concerns/issues (both pos. and neg.) for birthparents or adoptees, but that the birthparent and adoptee perspective is valuable for adoptive parents dealing with issues related to adoption and therefore are welcome. (Though i know some members felt unwelcome when told to post their own issues on a different forum.) I know alot of us adoptive parents were fine with anyone posting here, and its not like the decision was made by consensus or anything.

A moderator could probably spell everything out though, if you wanted to PM them.

Katherine

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I just did a quick search inside the forum and found several threads where expectant mothers were seeking support, from this forum, for their choices. In one particular thread quite a few of us who have adopted strongly encouraged this mom to take a step back and to make sure she was/is/will be protected and not abused by the prospective adoptive parents. I thought this was an amazingly wonderful thread because it demonstrated how we're not all just "adoption is the only answer" and that we really are concerned with the health and wellness of expectant moms who are considering placing their child(ren).

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I may be wrong...but as i understand it, posts such as "Having a hard time coming to terms with my decision to place my baby for adoption" would be more appropriate to the Personal Growth forum (as decided by the mods) but if an adoptive parent starts a thread such as "Not sure what to call my child's birthmother" or some such thing, that everyone's input (including other members of the triad, bparents, adoptees, etc) would be welcome on that thread as long as things remained respectful. Does that make sense? I think it was decided (by the mods) that this forum was for foster/adoptive parents, and as such was not the best place for other triad members to work out feelings/concerns/issues (both pos. and neg.) for birthparents or adoptees, but that the birthparent and adoptee perspective is valuable for adoptive parents dealing with issues related to adoption and therefore are welcome. (Though i know some members felt unwelcome when told to post their own issues on a different forum.) I know alot of us adoptive parents were fine with anyone posting here, and its not like the decision was made by consensus or anything.

A moderator could probably spell everything out though, if you wanted to PM them.

Katherine

I can see some wisdom in that. I would never have thought to look in Personal Growth for adoption issues. I wonder if maybe there could be another forum called "Adoption Issues" that could deal with non-parenting issues but that would be readily available for everyone in the adoption community. Frankly, I'm not in a stage of my life where I want to spend much time in the personal growth section looking for adoption related topics. Where if there was an adoption issues section I would go there from time to time.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

I just did a quick search inside the forum and found several threads where expectant mothers were seeking support, from this forum, for their choices. In one particular thread quite a few of us who have adopted strongly encouraged this mom to take a step back and to make sure she was/is/will be protected and not abused by the prospective adoptive parents. I thought this was an amazingly wonderful thread because it demonstrated how we're not all just "adoption is the only answer" and that we really are concerned with the health and wellness of expectant moms who are considering placing their child(ren).

Yeah, I remember that thread. I guess that makes the original post I quoted saying that she has had threads removed confusing.

This is where I hope the moderator who reads these posts will jump in and clarify for us.

[koalove]

this is why:
Welcome to the Adoption forum. This forum was set up to meet the needs of and provide support to adoptive (and foster) parents who wish to practice NFL parenting. Parenting an adopted/foster child comes with many rewards and challenges that are unique to your family. This forum is a place to discuss these issues with like minded members. The forum is open to all members and we encourage everyone to share and join in the discussions. Though in doing so, please be respectful of the forums purpose and the feelings of all our members.

it is not the purpose of the forum, simply put. i know adoptive parents need a place to share questions and concerns. theres alot of birthparent forums out there but they arent active! and you find birthparents there. not adoptive parents. i know the perspective of birthparents, im not looking for more of the same, plus i find it very hard to relate to other birthparents. as far as birthparents not supporting adoption~ i have seen posts like that here from some memebers and its true, its not supportive at all, but it seems weird to eliminate 2 whole sides of the triad due to some peoples opinions. specifically, one thread i had removed was just a simple request for advice regarding an issue i was having with dd's adoptive parents. i just wanted the opinion of other adoptive parents. as in, how would you feel in this situation and am i nuts for feeling this way? it was totally relevant and i can not think of a better place to ask people about that. my mom has her opinon, so does my sister, but they arent adoptive parents. and they are emotionally attached. i like offering my 2 cents here. i think for the most part, i can offer a pov that is not heard often, and i think my adoption story is awesome and i love sharing my positive experiences. ive also had a very negative adoption experience that i rarely talk about, but it helps me understand the differences and what made one so great, and one so miserable. i never look at the one bad experience and say adoption is a bad thing~ i can say what can be done to make it better. i cant see how any of that means i shouldt be able to ask a community of people for advice regarding my adoptive situation and the relationships involved in it. sorry for going on and on...this is a sore subject for me.

[lauren]

I am moving this to Questions and Suggestions as that is the appropriate place for a thread with this title and focus.

However, I will be back to comment later, as I've been moderator here for several years and can comment.

Have to go pick up my daughter right now though!

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by koalove

specifically, one thread i had removed was just a simple request for advice regarding an issue i was having with dd's adoptive parents. i just wanted the opinion of other adoptive parents. as in, how would you feel in this situation and am i nuts for feeling this way? it was totally relevant and i can not think of a better place to ask people about that.

If that was me, i would have been really offended and hurt if my thread was removed when i specifically wanted the feedback from adoptive moms. I'm sure the moms on the board would have welcomed the thread.

The only issues i've ever had are when people who were clearly anti-adoption would post, or those using anti-adoption language...although i am not big into moderation and felt that we could handle those threads on the board, i get why they are removed. But yours?! No, i dont get that.


Katherine

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by queenjane

If that was me, i would have been really offended and hurt if my thread was removed when i specifically wanted the feedback from adoptive moms. I'm sure the moms on the board would have welcomed the thread.

The only issues i've ever had are when people who were clearly anti-adoption would post, or those using anti-adoption language...although i am not big into moderation and felt that we could handle those threads on the board, i get why they are removed. But yours?! No, i dont get that.


Katherine

Me either. Although my children's placement story is so different than yours, I love to hear about other situations (good, bad, and ugly.) I learned so much from the surrogacy thread that I never knew or even thought about.

[athansor]

I would love to see a place where I can post as both a birthmother and as an adult adoptee. Since I gave birth to my (adopted) DD 21 years ago, and was adopted by my parents 20 years before that, it's not something that I see as a personal growth issue...e.g. I'm not making a decision now or second guessing what I did.
However, I would still like to talk with others with similar experiences, and I was very sad when the adoption forum decided against birthmother threads.

[mamadebug]

As a hopeful adoptive mom, I would love to hear the birthmother perspective. The birthmom is a part of the triad, which obviously makes it relevant to parenting adopted kiddos. I think the input would be invaluable.

[lauren]

O.K. I have a few moments to pipe in.

Other members are accurate in saying that MDC clarified the focus of the forum a couple of years back. It wasn't really a change, as the intent had always been to support parents on the adoption/foster care journey. That is why the forum was placed under the Parenting cluster. For quite a number of months, there was a great deal of divisiveness in the forum as a result of losing its focus. There was nothing wrong with opinions being expressed, but in an overall sense, the forum had lost a feeling of safety for adoptive and foster parents. We heard from numerous members that the forum no longer felt comfortable, that they constantly felt they needed to be on guard or on their toes. MDC made a decision to clarify the focus so that it was on the needs and supporting the adoptive/foster parent, as the forum Sticky says.

Does this mean that birthmoms and dads and adults with adoption origins can't post in the forum? Not at all. It just means that the focus of the threads needs to be on parenting, and it needs to be a safe space for adoptive/foster parents with those needs working on practicing attachment focused parenting and natural family living. Since this clarification to the forum was made there have been numerous threads that included the perspective of all members of the triad. The only difference is that threads that are not focused on parenting or the adoptive/foster parenting experience are not kept there. They are moved to another forum.

If someone feels a thread is moved in error, that member or members always have the option of checking it out and having a dialogue with the moderator (me), or if it still doesn't feel right, one of the administrators. We do make mistakes, we are often balancing many things, and none of us minds if a member wants to check in and ask about a decision via a private message.

If members wish to have the admins consider a birthmom subforum, then this forum (Questions and Suggestions) is the place to ask about it. Placing such a subforum under the Parenting cluster may not be appropriate, as a mama in that situation might not be actively parenting.

I hope this bit of history is somewhat helpful.

[JessicaS]

We don't have plans to add such a forum atm.

I can add it to the list of requests but I don't think it will be added. The focus of this board is parenting, if someone wants to discuss issues outside of the scope of parenting that can go in PG.

I understand people might not like this and of course we are all more than just parents but there is a fear of becoming "too big" and losing some focus as a board.