On praise...

[Just1More]

I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

And sad.

We've been spending too much time, apparently, with some friends who are manipulative praise/reward monsters with their kids. So now, anytime dd (newly 4yo) does anything (like eat her supper or something as mundane), she says "there!" and expects some sort of praise. Now, we do praise real live cool events...learning to walk backwards on the balance beam...that's COOL! Awesome! Good job! Way to stick with it! Hooray!

But, eating your supper? I think you mean "Thanks for supper, Mama." Cleaning up a mess she made she said, "See Mama, I did a good job. What do I get?" HUH?

Once a child has been exposed to such manipulation and worthless praise, HOW do you undo it? How do I not respond to "look, I can (insert mundane task)!" without praising and without being rude to her?

How do I get her to be "real" again?

[Ofwait]

Be consistant with your previous behavior and expectations.

When she asks what she gets give her a big hug and kiss and tell her, what she already has, a Mama that loves her.

She doesn't see the longer term concequences that you do.

[Super Glue Mommy]

Originally Posted by Ofwait

Be consistant with your previous behavior and expectations.

When she asks what she gets give her a big hug and kiss and tell her, what she already has, a Mama that loves her.

She doesn't see the longer term concequences that you do.

Well put!!

[SkyMomma]

My DS does this sometimes too, often looking for praise shows up when he really just wants a little more attention from me. I find that a neutral observation often satisfies his need for acknowledgement. Yk, "I see that you ate your supper." "You are telling me that you did a good job". Maybe give that a try.

And time just interacting with you will adjust your LO's expectation...she's probably just trying out this different idea & seeing how it works. My DS did this with Time-Outs after observing a friends child get one. (note: we're a no punishment family) "Mama, can I have a time-out?" He asked. So we did it. He decided he didn't really like it & suggested that I send him to his room instead. (Another idea from a different friend.) I asked him why he would like that better..."Because then I could play with my things & have fun".

[mamarootoo]

you could try asking questions...

"See, mama! I ate all my supper!" "I see that! did you enjoy it?"

or

"look mama, i can put my books away!" "you sure can. how did you decide which one to put away first?"

it sounds a little silly, but i think it would validate that she did something without praising her needlessly

[ann_of_loxley]

Originally Posted by mamarootoo

you could try asking questions...

"See, mama! I ate all my supper!" "I see that! did you enjoy it?"

or

"look mama, i can put my books away!" "you sure can. how did you decide which one to put away first?"

it sounds a little silly, but i think it would validate that she did something without praising her needlessly

I think I would do that as well

(I would only be careful with the hug thing because she in turn might find you giving her a hug as her 'reward'...it sounds silly but I know parents who use not only their attention, but love and affection as rewards for their childs behaviour as well - and withdraw them as punishment)

[Super Glue Mommy]

great insight in this thread

[MittensKittens]

Wow, that must be difficult and frustrating! It just shows that other influences will always come into your family. I guess you will both learn from it, and it will pass. It is a shame that some parents feel they need to bribe their kids to get anything done.

[jivey]

My wife does this with her son for every little thing and he is 12. I think its out of control. being praised for every little thing. When he does stuff around the house that he is supposed to do. i always say thanks bud. But, she wants to award him.

what do you guys think am I over reacting?

OP i am sorry i high jacked your thread.:

[Momily]

By 4 my son was able to have pretty straightforward conversations about things that were different in other people's families. So, I'd probably say "I bet you noticed that X's mommy says 'good job' a lot. In our family we don't and here's why . . ."

[mama2mason]

Originally Posted by mamarootoo

you could try asking questions...

"See, mama! I ate all my supper!" "I see that! did you enjoy it?"

or

"look mama, i can put my books away!" "you sure can. how did you decide which one to put away first?"

it sounds a little silly, but i think it would validate that she did something without praising her needlessly

I love this!

[Just1More]

Thanks for your great responses! It really helps to talk to some others who "get" what I'm trying to say. I'll try these out this week!

[~PurityLake~]

I especially liked mamarootoo's response. It is what I try to do. My mom is a fan of 'good girl' and I have to step in a lot. I have even caught myself saying it a few times, then quickly add the proper response. My husband's nearly 12 year old son has been raised with excessive praise and bribery and it's awful difficult dealing with it once it's been ingrained for so many years. I think his very self-esteem rests on the judgment of others and his lack of empathy and desire for 'stuff' instead of people is kind of sad.