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Anyone else have BPD? - Page 2

post #21 of 110

I feel same way.  I am middle of the road functioning... BPD is kind of an internal disorder that many dont see on the surface.

post #22 of 110

Anyone want to talk about this...? How do you deal with it when did you realize or get diagnosed? What do you do to help yourself? I recently in the past year finally accepted the diagnosis and that made a huge difference. Right now I am not doing much other than self talk and using some dbt skills.

 

post #23 of 110

I would love to talk about this, but I'm still a newbie at realization..like this week. lol. 

 

So far this week, however, I'm finding I'm having a hard time filtering out stuff going on around me.  I'm taking this mental health nursing class right now, and we are talking about a lot of really ugly stuff.  I know its dragging me down and I feel mentally exhausted and have been having bouts of anxiety.  Last night I had a melt down on my DH and i'm pretty sure it's just because I haven't been really taking care of myself for the past few days.  So..I think my goal this week is to try to take time out for me.  Nursing school is so intensive and I'm working a 9 hour shift this weekend. So I think at least twice this week I'm going to try to do something rewarding.  Not sure what it will be yet, but I'll be thinking about that tonight.  Besides that, tonight, I'm going to bed at a decent hour so I can hopefully deal with life better in the morning.  I know for sure that when I'm tired, my emotional regulation goes out the window!

 

My other goals right now are to try to find a DBT program I can get into, and to work on alternative things to do when I find myself escalating into negative behaviors.

 

How did you folks get into a DBT group?  The only one I've been able to find so far in my area costs $1400.  My therapist says he's going to ask around to find out if there are some that are not as well advertised..but there is no way I can come up with the cost of that right now! 

post #24 of 110

I have state health insurance so it paid for it,

post #25 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilie2 View Post

I have state health insurance so it paid for it,



Was yours as much as $1400?

 

What is your story on this path?

post #26 of 110

Hey just thought I'd update here:  I'm seeing a new psychologist on my school campus now. She is going to be helping me work through the DBT workbook..somewhat independent study but with supervision.  She's also helping me with some of the anxiety and depression issues I've been having..so it's nice to have someone address that stuff. 

 

How's everyone else doing?  Still symptom free?

post #27 of 110

So, looking into symptoms a while back, I'm wondering if I have it or not. What are some things that you guys experience with this? I have bipolar and I know my current diagnosis can be coupled with BPD.

post #28 of 110

To be honest I wondered this....

Here is a video I found that describes me.

It's for people who love borderlines but it helped me to identify it in myself.

It is very common for sexual abuse victims to have this.

 

http://www.youtube.com/user/bpdFamilycom#p/u/2/JGZtvKFoxDM

 

 

You need to have 5 of the 9 criteria I think and there are over 250 combinations.

post #29 of 110

Hi Gator mom- I am doing quite well.... tho my mood is less than stable...

I find that I dissociate quite a bit....

In therapy we are looking at my sexual assault history and that is hashing up many old memories I had put in a lock box in my mind and not fun to open up and delve into.

I am also working on the dbt book with my therapist as the dbt group is too stressful to me to be around people so exposed. It elevates my anxiety.

I am also on meds, zoloft, abilify, and now stratera for my new adjust diagnosis of add.

but I am doing much better then I was last year.

post #30 of 110

That was an interesting video, but I think if I really want an answer, I'll just have to be re-evaluated and then get a 2nd opinion. One symptom that kind of bothers me that I don't think is normal thought process or behavior is feeling like I'm walking around in a movie, like I'm not living a life, it's just a movie, and the only thing that gets me to "come back" and realize that this is a body and I am real is looking in the mirror.

post #31 of 110

Of course you need to be evaluated. I have been and am under care of a psych and therapist.

Good luck.

 

post #32 of 110

Well, I was evaluated in June to re-establish my bipolar meds, but I basically gave my history of bipolar and my diagnosis of that. I have an appt with my prescriber on the 27th, so I'll take care of everything then.

post #33 of 110

i have BPD. at least it's the only 'label' i've found that most closely details my behaviors in this lifetime. it's rearing it's ugly head lately. or maybe it has been in it's various ways all the while...i just wanted to believe it wasn't, well.....this. this BPD crap i have wanted to claim i'm 'past' being a part of. or that is a part of me...

 

here i am a single mother of 2. my daughter is now 9 & probably becoming BPD herself thanks to yours truly. my son will be 4 tomorrow. i feel so numb towards my daughter. IMHO she makes it harder on me and herself (and others) because she is very argumentive and not very cooperative. so it makes it VERY VERY hard on me. much harder than it needs to be. i find myself blaming her for my extra woes...this struggle i have. she doesn't let up. insults me. undermines me. disrespects me. orders me around. cusses at me. etc. i know it's all my fault. i'm sure i've created this monster. she reminds me so much of her father although he hasn't been in the picture since i left him when she was 8 months old...

 

my mother and the state (i get EBT) are our financial support. it sucks. i want to be self sufficient but i guess not that badly because if so i'd be independent. i bet this has to do w/ the BPD need for control, manipulation and avoidance of abandonment or being 'alone'. i can't seem to find a daddy for my kids who will support us financially. i think that'd take a lot of my stress away. but again, it goes against what society says is best for me as a woman.

 

i'm struggling lately so much. i feel like i'd rather be dead although i think mostly i want to just live and be freed of all this internal strife. on one hand i want this but on the other hand it terrifies me to think of my life not feeling like this or at least, living like this.

 

anyway. glad to know there are other mamas on here w/ BPD.

 

i have an appt on monday w/ county mental health. i'm scared to tell them how monstrous i can be in my home. i'm afraid i'll lose my kids or that i will wind up put in mental hospital or jail. i'm afraid of my emotions because they rage strong. i know mental health had DBT group going on cuz i was in it. that was a few years ago...so i'm not sure it's still going. they are closed today so i can't find out and i doubt they'd tell me either way anyway. it's only weekly though so to me, that isn't intensive enough. practicing on my own isn't enough. i wish my mom still had the money she had when she was married to her last husband cuz i could then go to an inpatient program for BPD. but...that isn't a possibility soooooo......

 

i hate having this. i want to be 'normal'. just when i think i'm ok or fool another therapist that i'm capable and getting a grip, i fuck it up again to disprove that i can. or to sabotage success, really. why? i don't know. to not be alone? to be alone...so i suffer? this is crazy. i hope some of you are still on this thread....cuz i need you.

 

post #34 of 110

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bpdletter.htm

AJ Mahari was the board moderator of a forum i was a part of back in the late 90's. this is a pretty nice article of hers on her blog. there seems to be a LOT more support online these days for non-BPD's/those involved w/ BPD's. which is great...but...we need that community IMHO of like-BPD's. does anyone know of a good consistent focus on growth/recovery from BPD forum for BPD's?

post #35 of 110

Hey somarvelis.  Welcome and I'm sorry for all the struggles you are going through.  Are you on Medicaid now?  Could you still see a therapist?  I was looking around a month or two ago for a DBT class and couldn't find anything that wasn't extremely expensive.  So I went to my school's psychologist and asked if she'd help me.  I got the Marsha Linehan book on DBT and brought it too her, and we are slowly working on the exercises together.  It sucks that it's not more intensive..because she can only see me every 2-3 weeks, but it's better than nothing.  I feel the same frustrations about not being able to find support as the actual person with BPD..I found that all the resources out there are either for therapists or families. 

 

Personally, I'm finding that I am very functional until I realize I'm doing well..then something blows over and I am reminded of my impulsivity and apt to become angry.  This last week, my DH did something that really upset me and the first thing I said was "I want a divorce" even though I hadn't even thought it through!  I was willing to go through with my threat, but I'm not sure if it was because I really wanted that, or because I wanted to prove it wasn't a threat.  He's got issues he needs to work on too, but I also keep repeating this same cycle, where I'm almost self-sabotaging my relationship with him. It's mostly blown over..but not without consequences.  He's been extremely withdrawn and hard to talk to ever since.

 

Most of the time I don't have issues with my DS but then, he's only 4.  He is also very argumentative, but I keep hoping that through my own learning and growing I can prevent him from repeating my behaviors. 

 

((hugs)) to you.  I hope things settle down and you start to feel a little more in control soon.

post #36 of 110

hello!  I also have BPD, and bipolar w/psychotic features.  I went through DBT for 4 years and I really think it saved my life, well it did many times.  I was in and out of the hospital for 6 years, but I have been able to maintain without going in for 2 1/2 now.  I really can't encourage anyone enough to try it and stick with it until you can practically recite it.  That is what has saved me.  I did also get a lot of help with EMDR earlier before my bipolar went whacko, specifically for sexual abuse issues. 

I'm glad you are all here.  I have just been getting hammered with triggers and gray skies.  I'm trying so hard to keep myself from falling down. I start physical therapy for an ankle injury tomorrow and I am really crossing my fingers that the activity and getting some vitamin D drops will help me pull out of this funk without having to monkey with my meds.

 

Oh, and i went through my local community mental health center and eventually got on social security disability, so I have medicare/medicaid.  It covers everything I need pretty much.

post #37 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gator-mom View PostThis last week, my DH did something that really upset me and the first thing I said was "I want a divorce" even though I hadn't even thought it through!


Oh my gosh!  I understand this completely.  I used to scream "I HATE YOU" at my partner all the time.  I one day got the idea in the moment to just scream something else.  In hindsight it's a little funny, but I went running around the house screaming "I don't want to say anything mean to you" and just going from room to room screaming it and slamming the doors.  Oh gosh, those were hard times.  so many hugs to you all ladies.

post #38 of 110

Anytime I was mad at all at my x or felt slighted I told him I hatedhim wanted a divorce or wanted him to die. He really is a jerk but sometimes I do feel bad for him with having to put up with that.

Hugs.

post #39 of 110
Quote:
Originally Posted by somarvelis View Post

 

i hate having this. i want to be 'normal'. just when i think i'm ok or fool another therapist that i'm capable and getting a grip, i fuck it up again to disprove that i can. or to sabotage success, really. why? i don't know. to not be alone? to be alone...so i suffer? this is crazy. i hope some of you are still on this thread....cuz i need you.

 

So many hugs to you.  I remember when I felt so bursting with the buzz of what do I do how do I stop it I want to be happy where is this coming from get my kids away from me I love them why aren't they happy why don't you love me I hate you etc. 

tell them you want to go through DBT and stick with it.  I don't know about your DBT program, but mine included 24 hour coaching and that is what really helped me get control of my rages, that and throwing tupperware ;)  now I relish taking my glass recycling in and throwing it and hearing it crash.

 

find yourself a basket or bin to put some self soothing items in.  we call this a crisis kit.  something to smell, something to pet, like a piece of silk or fur, something to listen to, a snack.  finger labyrinths.

pleasant events:  grab a fresh towel to make yourself feel special, or a fresh pillow case when you want fresh sheets, but don't have the impetus.  sing in the car. watch comedy.

 

post, I'll be glad to help with ideas.


 

 

post #40 of 110

I'm so glad this thread is active again.  This is what I was hoping to get out of it.  harrietsmama, I love your ideas.  I think I could really benefit from that stuff.  Though I was wondering what a finger labyrinth is? There are so many times I'm sitting there thinking, "I want to hurt myself or break something, but I know I don't REALLY want to do it, because as soon as I do, I'm going to feel like an idiot!"  But sometimes those impulses are so hard to control. I think this might be a good distraction for me.

 

I also like your running around the house saying, "I don't want to say anything mean to you!"  There are a lot of times that just saying exactly how I'm feeling is all I can do to not explode.  Like, if I'm feeling that rage, instead of making a verbal attack, I'll say "I'm so angry and I feel rejected and I am thinking a lot of negative things about myself and you".  That seems to help my DH not feel backed into a corner himself, because he can appreciate that I am REALLY trying hard to keep my cool but I'm on the verge of a full on melt down.  It helps him talk me down.  He'll usually just starts asking me questions about how I'm feeling and get me to talk through it. 

 

I hate that I hurt my DH with impulsive comments and then I get lost trying to figure out if my feelings about whatever he's doing/not doing is warranted, or if it's all me.  Sometimes I think it's both of us and then I don't know how to resolve that. 

 

How is your week going, somarvelis?

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