Anyone else have BPD? - Page 3

[Mom31]

Yes- I am glad it is active to. I think I have a bit put my head in the sand since my symptoms are a little low right now aside from not being able to do the things I need to.... and probably some impulsivity I am in a new relationship and so far portraying a fairly normal person.... what a fasade.  My therapist said there is no reason to tell him early on and I am low on the spectrum anyhow. He does know I have had really rough times and take a few mental health meds. He was totally cool with it. What I hate right now is the fear of abandonement that is so strong. I keep thinking I am going to do or say the wrong thing and he is going to be out the door. 

As far as handling my kids I think I am doing pretty good. I zone out a lot... that would be there biggest complaint.  They practically have to yell to get my attention at times and I am working on being in the present for short periods of time.

[harrietsmama]

here's a quick link to show you finger labyrinths

http://labyrinthsociety.org/download-a-labyrinth/

you just print it out and trace it with your finger mindfully.  try to focus only on what you are doing with your finger, and when a thought intrudes, let it go by like a cloud and come back to what your finger is doing.

[Mom31]

Thanks that looks handy. I will try that.

[Mom31]

Do any of you have a hard time taking care of your home? I am really struggling with this and am resorting to having a friend come in once a week to help me keep up. I am a single mom. Funny thing is I clean houses for a living. LOL.

I get overwhelmed so easy and I get up to do things and have to just sit back down.

[harrietsmama]

yes, in fact I get home health care through dept of human services (Michigan) and it includes light housekeeping.  Doing dishes used to be one of my main rage triggers for some reason which is how that got started.  I am also on SSDI though, so that may be a prerequisite.

[Gator-mom]

Those finger labyrinths look pretty rad. I'll have to print some of those off next time I'm around a printer. Emilie, I find that I can tune DS out really well too, and I don't do it on purpose.  DH is always giving me crap for not listening when he's talking to me.  Housework for me can pile up just because my schedule is so busy that I can't keep up.  I tend to get more angry when DH does not do it even when I don't tell him I want him to.  I  have a bad habit of thinking he should do something or expecting him to and not actually saying that out loud and then getting all pissed off when it doesn't happens..it sounds crazy when I say that out loud..lol.  It makes me realize I have issues!!

Last night DH and I finally sort of finished discussing our last fight when I threatened divorce.  He's really hurt by it and hates feeling like he's just sitting around waiting for me to leave him.  I hate that he feels like that, but I don't know how to fix it.  He asked me point blank last night if I'm committed to this relationship and I had a really hard time answering that.  What I finally boiled down is that I WANT to be committed but I keep expecting myself to sabotage it.  It's like I'm sitting there not knowing what I'll do right along with him.  I want to tell him I'm committed, but I know that I waiver all the time and I get hung up on things that I know shouldn't be a big deal.  I feel like maintaining a happy relationship is double hard for me than other people.  When I talk to my friends about their relationships, I feel like they don't fly off the deep end about things like I do.  This is also my second marriage and my first one ended right about this same time in the relationship.  We've decided for now that we are going to try to meditate together again, which has helped in the past and to go back to couples therapy.  I hope I can iron this out.  I don't want to be a control freak but I don't know how to stop!

[Mom31]

Thats great Harrietsmama. I am not on disability .... yet.....My parents think I should file.

[harrietsmama]

Gator mom, hugs and I hope you can find a way through.

Emilie, expect to get turned down.  try getting legal representation through your local legal aid.  it's all a giant pia, but very worth it.  we live on poverty level income, but I never have to worry about getting my mental health care & meds, and we know for sure what we have.  you will likely have to reapply to get covered.are you working right now?

[Gator-mom]

How is everyone doing?

I'm having a bit of a melt down this week..as I just found out my schedule for my last semester of nursing school is going to be HELL starting in Jan.  I am going to have to do both night time and day time clinicals and work and daytime classes.  DH is less that excited and I'm pretty sure my DS will not see me for those 4 months.  The good news is that at the end of those months lies a graduation and finally a degree but I am just really struggling to wrap my head around how to handle this.  There are so many unknowns that are really stressing me out a LOT..for instance, DH still does not know what his schedule will be like during that time either, so I can't work out child.  I'm trying to just breathe and take it moment by moment but there are some of those moments where I think I'm just going to crack!  For now I'm going to go to bed and maybe use some aromatherapy to help me relax :)

[Mom31]

I am doing ok.  I am in a new relationship- and of course the fear of abandoement is strong.... bt I told him about it and we are working thru it.

[Gator-mom]

So DH and I started seeing a new therapist.  I told her last week on our intake that I have Borderline characteristics and when we came in this week, she it hit HARD!  She made me sign a contract to not threaten suicide or to self harm and told me that if I don't follow through on the agreement that I could be heading to in-patient as a consequence.  This session was intense..she had both DH and me crying.  I don't know if I feel weirded out about all this or relieved that someone is taking this seriously and really hitting these behaviors hard.  Is this typical for BPD therapists?  My other therapists have been somewhat of push-overs and have seemed to almost gloss over the borderline traits.  The one I see at school almost never talks about DBT (even though that is what I came to her for) She just lets me talk and vent about life and stresses.

[Mom31]

I don't know.... ?  I don't know- maybe its a tough love approach.

We were once thought to not be able to be helped- which is not true cause there are many success stories out there.

It will be interesting to see how it goes..

I am glad you are in therapy- I am not- I could not make the appointments due to my anxiety.  I pretty much can't do anything cause of my anxiety.

I am also supposed to be quitting smoking on the first- oh great. that's pretty much what  feel helps me but I am going to use an electronic ciggerette.

Things are going good with the boyfriend.... he knows I have mental health issues and he takes a anti depressant and a benzo- so it's not foreign to him and he is very supportive.

Is anyone else on abilify and gained ridiculous amts of weight?  I gained 40lbs.  yes- thats right- 40lbs... But the drug works so I don't know what to do!

[Gator-mom]

I have heard of Abilify causing tons of weight gain..I think it's a pretty common side effect?  Sorry you can't seem to get around to making an apt.  Maybe your boyfriend would help you with it?  I'm glad that relationship is going well!  I think it's hard for some people to know what to do with mental illness issues so time to celebrate when you find someone who is supportive around that!

My DH has had a hard time with it and has had a really hard time learning how to deal with me when the anxiety and anger sets in.  I think this new therapist (even though it's pretty hard core) is going to help DH understand it better.  She spent a long time explaining how time-outs would work better for me if we had a time constriction on them..she explained how open ended time lines add anxiety and can cause me to spiral (which I was surprised she actually knew that without me telling her).  She really wants DH to read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' too.  I think I am going to start seeing her on my own and see how it goes.  The thing is, even though she's very blunt and down to business, she seems to understand BPB better than any of my other therapists have.

[vegantics]

oh wow. i had never heard of a finger labryinth. i love this idea!

gator mom, SO SORRY i didn't sub to this thread so got no notices of any replies. my week/month/rest of 2011 was intense. a lot has changed though for the better and i will PM you.

[vegantics]

i zone out a lot too.

[milk_maker]

I was diagnosed with BPD three years ago.  My doctor started me on some antipsychotics, benzos, and antidepressants.  I've cycled through several different drugs and eventually weaned off of most of them, the antipsych especially because it caused me to have very high prolactin levels.  To the point that I stopped menstruating and produced milk.

I did okay for a while, but I started having rage attacks again.  Within the past week I was overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, to the point that I pulled the gun out of the safe and was handling it for a while.  I called my pdoc and he started me on latuda and it's helping so far.  I also had DH unload the gun and put the bullets somewhere I can't access.  I'm really disappointed because I was doing so well there.  My pdoc told me about six months ago that I no longer exhibit any symptoms of the disorder and that he was considering me "cured."  Guess not.  It was just the drugs.

[Gator-mom]

Hey milk-maker, thanks for sharing a bit of your story!  Sorry to hear about your latest rage attack.  The good thing is that you didn't act on your impulse!  I have gone years without any symptoms but I have learned that with the right environmental pressures, it can still resurface.  I think it's something we have to pretty much work on for the rest of our lives..or at least be aware of keeping it in check.  Do herbs like St. Johns Wort work at all for you?  I just put myself back on that recently, as I am having a very stressful semester right now, and I know I need it to keep my head on my shoulders!

[milk_maker]

Herbs?  Are you serious?  No.  The only thing that has helped me are heavy duty antipsychotics that are used to treat schizophrenia.

[Mom31]

GM- I have never had a period where I did not have symptoms- but I reduce my symptoms by living with very little stress- like going to school would never be a possibility for me at this point. I think there are like 250 or more combos of our illness.

[Mom31]

UGH.... I am doing very bad mamas.... I did something stupid- I quit taking my meds.  I saw a picture of my boyfriends ex wife and I ... well I wanted to lose this weight so I convinced myself I did not need my medicine- well I do need my medicine.  Badly.  UGH!

I have had a very bad week obviously. I am a mess.

And my house is out of control and the friend who was helping me keeps saying she will be by and never comes so I wait on her don't do anything then she does not come...

HELP!

Talk to me please.  I feel like everything is falling apart.  I can't function.