Anyone else have BPD? - Page 4

[Mom31]

Ok I am just going to use this thread to get this all off my chest and so I can look back and remind myself why why why I have to take these meds- sorry if this is chaotic.

Ok So my house is a disaster- I got laundry going and started the first load of dishes- I would guess there are 3 loads of dishes I have the rest all in the sink tho- except these mugs on the desk.

I found out this morning that my son has an honors program at the school we should go to so I have to go to that than clean a house( thats what I do for a living- a very meager living right now) anyhow- I am really trying to pull it together so I don't ruin my new relationship cause its great and he is great.... he has been out of town and I know that is a trigger and i should have planned better about it.  He is texting now and I did tell him I quit taking my medicine.

GAWD- what If I freak out on him- I almost think I should tell him to stay away this week.... but damn it I missed him so much and that seems irrational too.

Ok... I am going to just go fold some laundry and pick up stuff off floor in living room....

I have tears streaming down my face I am so so so stupid. I am mentally ill and that medicine make s me normal- I would rather have to go to the gym and be normal.

OK....Thanks for letting me vent- this is what the inside of my craziness looks like... oh and anyone else say I wish I was normal than the therapist says  no one is normal and want to slap them across the face?  I hate that line- it totally minimizes what we go thru.

[milk_maker]

I went off my meds too about two months ago.  It caught up to me after about a month.  I got back on them and after about a week now I'm feeling somewhat on more stable ground.  It sucks though.  I gained 35lbs from my medication and the only way to keep the weight off is to go to the gym five days a week and be extremely OCD about my food intake.  It's just not feasible between the kids, school, and life.  Going to the gym twice a week did nothing and the weight crept back up and here I am again, back where I was.

Sometimes the only way I can tackle the house is to set a timer.  When I'm feeling good I can set it for 30 minutes and clean and then get a 30 minute break, but sometimes i have to set it for 10 or even 5 minutes.  but it's amazing how much you can get done in such a short amount of time if you just stick to one room.  I also make lists and check each item off as it's completed.  I don't make a huge list of everythign that needs to be done though.  I'll just stick to one room.  Unload dishwasher, load dishwasher, wipe down counters, wash pots, sweep floor, etc...some days I finish a room, some days I don't.  Some days I finish several rooms, do a couple loads of laundry, and prepare a from scratch dinner.  It's just so hit or miss.

Big hugs to you. 

Back before I got help for myself I blogged something and I read it to myself from time to time, especially when I'm struggling with my self image.  Basically said I would take any drug I had to if it would give me some good years with my children even if it meant limiting my life.  I'd rather have ten good years with them than a lifetime of misery.  So what's 30, 40, 50 pounds compared to living and experiencing life?

[Mom31]

Very true MM.... I am going to try to get the nerve up to go to the gym cause I hate my size right now but what I hate more is being unstable.

[milk_maker]

Yeah, you should definitely worry about getting stable before stressing about weight and stuff like that.  One perk of exercising regularly is that it's supposed to help with your mood.  I don't know if it really helped my mood exactly, I think it just wore me out to the point of not caring (I did some pretty hardcore exercising like cycle marathons and classes).

[Mom31]

Doing much better got some housework done!  YAY!  Ok...off to the school then to work then to pick up kids thanks for support.

[Gator-mom]

Sorry..I've been out all day so didn't see all this till now!  Sorry you were feeling so crappy Mom31!  I'm glad you are feeling better and I hope you find stable ground soon!

[milk_maker]

How old were you guys when you were diagnosed?  I was 30, which is really uncommon.  It's usually diagnosed in the late teens, early twenties.

[Mom31]

I got a official diagnosis at 30. I was told a few times before and never went back cause I would not accept it.

[Mom31]

GatorMom thanks for asking :)  I am doing better now.  It will take a while from what I hear to get back to the level of meds I was on but I cleaned up my house some and got some other things done.

[Mom31]

Oh and I weighed today and sure enough I lost 3 lbs to bad I really do need this medicine. Anyone know anything about Geodone?  I have heard it is similar to abilify with not as bad of weight gain.

[Mom31]

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"

[milk_maker]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

Oh and I weighed today and sure enough I lost 3 lbs to bad I really do need this medicine. Anyone know anything about Geodone?  I have heard it is similar to abilify with not as bad of weight gain.

I was on geodon for over a year.  It worked great and I had very few side effects until it began to rise my prolactin levels.  My pdoc had never heard of any other case of this happening.  I stopped menstruating and started lactating.  It was freaky.  This is a VERY rare side effect so don't discredit the drug entirely because I had a negative experience.  I honestly considered staying on the drug and just dealing with the side effects (hey, less periods!) but ultimately I felt it would be healthier to find other options.  My weight was stabilized during my use of geodon.  I didn't gain,but I also didn't lose.

Originally Posted by Mom31 

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"

1.  I was extremely abused.  I was a cutter.  As a child I was extremely shy and didn't interact with the outside world.  I lived in books and stayed in my own world (after my mom's suicide.  I was normal up until that point).

2.  I didn't start seeing a therapist until I was 21 and in such a deep depression that I didn't leave my house for six months.  It didn't really help.

3.  Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I was a teenager.  I had a brief period of time as an older teen/20 when I didn't have any issues.  During that time I was using ecstasy and acid heavily and deeply involved in the rave scene.  I'd finally found acceptance and people truly seemed to care about me and what I'd been through.  I strongly believe that there are some very valuable therapeutic benefits to ecstasy.  I had a lot of breakthroughs and I think that's what led to me falling into a deep depression.  I was finally faced to force teh completely f-d up upbringing I'd gone through (fundy christian, daily beatings, raising my siblings, and basically being a slave to my family).  about that time is when I knew I wasn't right, but I bootstrapped for years.

I think it finally truly clicked when I was screaming at my 3 y/o DS and he told me "I don't like you mommy, you're mean."  It was a slap in the face.  I realized that I had some very serious issues and that's when I sought help.

[Gator-mom]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"

1. As a kid I was pretty shy, low self esteem.  I'm a bit abnormal in that I wasn't abused per se.  I had a really mean grandma who told me what a fuck up I was all the time and a dad who had a lot of borderline traits himself..so most of my traits are learned.  I was kind of a perfectionist as a kid (and still am) I had very high expectations of myself and felt like a failure when i didn't live up to them.  ie.  my mom held me back in kindergarten because I was getting so upset for not being able to do the same things as the teacher.  For instance, I wanted to be able to glue in little dots like she did and I couldn't, so I had meltdowns over it.  I started cutting and scratching myself as a teen (once carved 'I am bored' into my leg while I was camping with my family).  I had a lot of melt downs as a teen too and I was extremely controlling of my friends...which pushed them away, which infuriated me...lol.

2.  I saw my first psychiatrist as a teen.  He just diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder and having panic attacks.  For the past 15 years until 4 months ago, I thought I was actually having panic attacks. 

3.  I knew that I was emotionally labile and that I had a lot harder time letting things go than other people, but other then that, thought I was pretty normal for a lot time.  I hung on to that anxiety diagnosis for a long time...for the past 15 years, until I took my psych nursing class and met a bunch of borderline patients and realized that my 'panic attacks' were just like their rage attacks.  I was seeing a therapist with my husband at the time, but he didn't really address it.  I started seeing someone from my school, who also didn't really do anything.  I have my first apt. with a new therapist today who I've seen a couple of times with DH and shows that she actually understands BPD and how she is suppose to treat me and help so. 

[Mom31]

1.as a little kid I was introvetred and dramatic at the same time- read a lot- I mean a lot.  I look at it now as my way of coping...back then.

I was not terribly abused but emotionally and mentally by entire family and physically by my brother-

My friends called me a spazz.... and I can remember spazzing out quite a bit.

2. I started seeing counselors after a suicide attempt at 14.  Till they wanted to do family counseling and my parents all of a sudden could not afford to pay....

3. I knew something was wrong- more than depression- for a long long time but was to scared to deal with it.

[Gator-mom]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

1.as a little kid I was introvetred and dramatic at the same time- read a lot- I mean a lot.  I look at it now as my way of coping...back then.

I was not terribly abused but emotionally and mentally by entire family and physically by my brother-

My friends called me a spazz.... and I can remember spazzing out quite a bit.

2. I started seeing counselors after a suicide attempt at 14.  Till they wanted to do family counseling and my parents all of a sudden could not afford to pay....

3. I knew something was wrong- more than depression- for a long long time but was to scared to deal with it.

That is what my dad told me when I started seeing the psychiatrist back in high school too.  I just found out a couple of months ago that my mom didn't even know that he told me that.  He told me he'd been depressed and anxious his whole life and that I should basically just suck it up.  Then a year later he had a sex change and got hundreds of hours of counseling for that...go figure.

[Gator-mom]

The new therapist seems like she may have some helpful stuff to say..we'll see.  I'm suppose to carry around a notebook everywhere I go and write down any catastrophic types of thoughts I have.  She says if I can challenge them, then to do so and if not, to put a big question mark.  She wants to know how good I am doing at seeing things objectively..like, do I realize that I'm having a thought disturbance or not...

[harrietsmama]

I first was told at 28, didn't accept my dx until I was 32.

Ladies, I got a dog last week. My own dog.  I have lived with dogs before, but this one is mine.  She was neglected, chained in a cattle barn, covered in cow muck. 

I am in love and nothing else I have ever done has had a greater impact on my mood and well being than getting this dog.  Not saying I can chuck my meds or anything but HUGE improvement.

[Gator-mom]

That is AWESOME harrietsmama!!!  I have getting a dog on my vision board for this year!  I want to graduate from college (finally!), get a job, a bigger place and a DOG that is like the icing on the cake..lol.

[milk_maker]

I rescued a dog this year.  We already had a dog, but he bonded with DS.  I'm more of a cat person myself (my cat baby died this summer, right after I found the dog) but this dog has bonded to me and the love she shows is just so amazing.  I love that little rat like thing.

[Mom31]

We just had a rescue that we re homed. :) He was a sweetie but he was not housebroken and caused me lots of stress.