Anyone else have BPD? - Page 5

[Mom31]

Right now being off my meds is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Mama's over at my private dating thread know I am off my meds and being a great great support but I am so worried I am going to mess things up.

[milk_maker]

So I just found out I'm pregnant the other day and I'm really glad my pdoc started me on latuda because he specifically mentioned that it's safe for pregnancy (well L2).  I looked up my antidepressant and it seems to be okay too.  I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll talk to him then.  I'm really scared because I go CAH-RAY-ZEE when I'm pregnant.  When I got pregnant with DD I didn't know but I had an episode where I was trying to park in a spot and the lot attendant told me to park somewhere else.  I FREAKED out, flipped her The Bird, and burned rubber out of the parking lot.  I immediately went and got a pregnancy test and had a positive.

So far I'm stable (I wasn't medicated during my other pregnancies) and I'm really surprised because by this point I was raging and freaking out (I'm about 6 weeks).

[Mom31]

CONGRATS MM!  I am done having kids and going to get my tubes tied.

[milk_maker]

Yeah I'm done too and have (had) a paragard IUD but I got a quick exam at my clinic when I called and told them I was pregnant with an IUD and they confirmed that it isn't there anymore so apparently it decided to beat feet at some point.

[Gator-mom]

congrats milk_maker!!  I hope this pg goes smoothly the rest of the way!  I want to have another (I only have 1 so far), but with all the stress I'm having with school and worrying about finding a job after graduation, DH and I decided to put that plan on hold a few more months..

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"

1.  I was very strange and depressed as a child.  I had external events happening though.  Bounced back & forth, sexual abuse, verbal & emotional abuse.

2.  at ten.

3. I always felt as if I were an outsider, but I didn't accept my dx until I was about 32ish.  Looking back I had episodes as young as 15.

[Mom31]

INteresting how a lot of us did not accept it until we were in our thirties.

1.How old are you all now?

2.How old are your kids?

3.How do you feel BPD effects your parenting ability?

1.  I am 31.

2.  My kids are 6 and 8.

3.  Where do I begin?  I can't handle stress, I have mood instability- ( luckily medicated and much better but man) I am easily distracted- or use distractions to cope and that leaves me unattentive and distant, easily angered or easily blocking everything out( ie kids fighting - ignore it instead of stepping in) forget things like picking up school supplies etc.

Some of this may be from my ADHD.... and lack of proper nutrition.  I am working on both of those things now

The hardest part is I am a single mom six hours from any family- I need help and I don't have any. I have a new boyfriend who is starting to come over around bed time to help me get my kids to bed- ie just being present in the house makes them listen to me.

Anyhow- today I just feel like a failure.... totally overwhelmed by my house and my kids and my simple life. I have simplified everything way past what it reasonable and still I can't cope.

I lived in Chronic pain for 2 years and thought I was getting better- well it is creeping back, I need to get a massage i think... where to get the money tho- maybe boyfriend will gift it to me.... he always asks if I need anything.

[Gator-mom]

1. 30

2. DH will be 5 in March

3. I feel like BPD doesn't get too much in the way of my parenting.  It's way more of an issue in my marriage than anything.  The only times I find myself losing patience with Ds is when I am way over-tired/stressed and he is too and being totally unreasonable.  It totally interferes with my relationship to DH, however.  I fly off the handle at him over really stupid things and then get hung up on things.  I have to be really careful with not trying to control what he does and who he hangs out with.  I also find that I disassociate when we argue and I end up saying things that don't make sense because what is going on in my head/heart isn't coming out accurately from my mouth...and then the rage hits and I do stupid things like self harm, threaten suicide or threaten divorce if he doesn't do XYZ.

Mom31: That really sucks having your family so far away from you!  We have DH's family who I don't know how I'd do the whole school thing without.  They get DS out of the house when DH and I need a break and when I know that I am not being a good parent.  Have you looked into getting a massage at the local college?  We can do that here for like $25 (though I know that can even seem like a lot).  Or maybe your boyfriend would just give you one himself?  I can only imagine what living with chronic pain would do to your mood..I have some mild pain issues, but it doesn't usually persist.  I do know lots of people with it, however, and it really seems to interfere in their lives.

[Mom31]

I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

[Gator-mom]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

Oh yes I did...lol.  Freudian? 

[Mom31]

LOL!!!! 

[Gator-mom]

To anyone..

Looking back on your life, when do you think some of your "odd" behaviors started?

I am realizing that i had some strange associations with pain early on.  For instance, when I would get a loose tooth, I would push and push on it until it would tear out.  I would go from barely loose to out of my mouth in 24 hours.  I don't think I've ever felt pain the same as other people...

[Mom31]

lol- I was born that way really I think- I was very dramatic and introverted at the same time.  I would say I was definently recognized as different by puberty by my friends. I was nicnamed things like Spazz.  I never learned to regulate my emotions.

[Gator-mom]

"dramatic and introverted"  I never really thought about it, but I'd say that described my personality as well...lol.  I'm not really sure if my friends thought I was odd for sure or not, but the kids pretty much all avoided or made fun of me from about age 10 to graduation.

[Mom31]

I am not having a good day. I went to clean a house and could not even finish it. So I filled out some job applications online- impulsive much?

UGH... I don't know where to turn or what to do.  I don't see how I can work a real job anymore- I did it back in the fall and I did well at it- but the hours were to hard with the kids.  I am scared to try scared not to try... scared we will end up in the housing if I don't get my shit together.  Which is totally irrational my child support pays basic bills I just need to work for gas, and supplies and extras...

My parents want to maybe buy me a house so my payment is lower each month and I don't want to have to move again- so I am trying to find a p/t job..

Maybe doing something productive will help me?

I am so tired of being so limited due to my mental health issues.... I am very smart and a great people person... I could work- if I did not have add and bpd and anxiety and panic attacks and depression.

I could prob feel better if i would take my medicine and exercise.

HELP ME.

[Gator-mom]

Sorry, Mama :(.  I don't really have any great advice for you.  Sometimes, just sitting out those impulses helps me.  If I remember they are going to pass most likely, then it can calm down.  If it doesn't, then I'll do something about it!  Or maybe, sit down and make a plan to get back on your meds and exercise.  My DH likes to plan stuff like that out, and it seems to help him out a lot.  It at least makes him feel like he's doing something proactive.

[Mom31]

MY mom is coming to help... I feel like everything is unraveling.  I have been asking her to come for over a month but she just kept puttin it off... this was our agreement when I got my kids- that they would come once a month- they have not been here since christmas.  this always happens when they do not come... I know I should be an adult and be able to handle this all but I can't. I am a single mom with a son with issues himself... I feel like I am about to lose everything.

[Gator-mom]

Is your mom one of your abandonment triggers?

[Mom31]

I am adopted... this is my adoptive mom I am referring to.  Yes she is one of my main triggers- but I need her right now.

I am doing better tonight... and she is not going to come for a few weeks now.

[Gator-mom]

How are you doing now Mom31?  What are some things that work as self-soothing for you?

This is maybe a good question for everyone..I'm wondering what other BPD's do for self soothing for both moderate anxieties and crisis?

The only things I've found that work for me is occassionally a funny show or movie or a good book for moderate anxiety

For a crisis, finger labrynths can help a little, but I usually feel at a loss for what to do with all that rage.