need help from those with experience with toxic relatives

[Super Glue Mommy]

my mom called me for my birthday yesterday, thankfully I missed the call. She left a message with DH, and then tried calling back later in the day, and he thankfully answered again. He said maybe I should call her back because she sounded upset. I really don't need the guilt right now. Just thinking about talking to my mother makes me upset I don't think I could physically do it - too emotional too talk.

So, I was thinking of sending her email, but I don't know what to say. Am I operating on some feeling of obligation? At the same time I don't want to seem like I am trying to be hurtful to her - I don't want to "get back at her" or anything like that. What it comes down to, is I would like to write her to say thank you and acknowledge her for calling on my birthday.

At the same time, I feel like she only called out of feeling obligated too... like she called so she could feel like a "good person" because she called her daughter on her birthday. OR maybe I am just over-analyzing the situation.

I was thinking to say

"Mom, (DH's name) told me you called to wish me a happy birthday. Thank you! I am sorry I didnt return your call. I love you. I will return your call when I am able."

should I leave that last line out? I was tempted to explain to her why I am not speaking to her, but why would I feel that is necessary. Is it? (When I say explain why I dont mean what she did just explain that I am working on myself and I don't feel I can heal fully while remaining in contact) but at the same time, that sounds like I am trying to let her know it's her fault, and I don't want to be focused on whose fault anything is. I am trying not to feel obligated/guilty to do/say anything, and I am also trying not to be hurtful towards her.

She has made no efforts of contacting me in months. The last time we spoke it didn't end well, she told me I was "trying to ruin her" and "out to get her" and that I needed to forgive her and obviously I didn't because I don't forget (I do forgive her, but I'm not going to forget in the sense she thinks I should - like magically my memory will be erased. I can forget by moving on, but she doesn't let it go so she doesn't allow me to do this) She told me I need therapy (which I don't disagree) I don't think she did everything wrong as a parent but I deal with a lot of issues, which obviously effect my own parenting, and I just cant become the person who I need to be while she is still in my life. Once I am at a better place where I can protect myself from her gaslighting, manipulation, and toxicity then I will be ready to have her in my life again. I can't heal while she is doing those things to me still. This is important - I have my own children to raise and that is my responsability right now - above my having a good relationship with my mom - which will have to happen after I have a good relationship with myself, which I can't do while talking to her.


sorry if this is rambly and jumbly and confusing. thats how I feel. thats how I always feel when it comes to her. What should I say in my email, if anything? or at least, what should I avoid saying?

[karika]

as someone that has moved on from her traditional family in many ways, i know what you mean. I think what you wrote is really good, leaving the last line out. you dont need to give her any explanations or expectations for a call taht you really dont want to make. you could say,

"Mom, dh told me you called to wish me a happy birthday. thank you. i appreciate you taking the time to call. i am glad you were thinking of me. i love you."

if you want to explain anything, you could add, " I am working through my own issues now, and taking some time and space away from everything in order to focus on my children. I still have you in my heart and am grateful taht you gave me life. as much as it is my birthday, it was a special day for you as well, the day you birthed one of your children."
ack im getting too mushy now. i still like the first part though...

[Super Glue Mommy]

thank you so much. that was really worded beautifully. I like the second part too, just debating on whether or not I should/shouldnt explain, or if I even want to *sigh* what you wrote was really good I wish I could find the right words when talking to her. Of course, part of the problem is there very rarely ARE the right words for talking to her... so maybe I better keep it short and sweet!

[Lysa]

Originally Posted by karika

"Mom, dh told me you called to wish me a happy birthday. thank you. i appreciate you taking the time to call. i am glad you were thinking of me. i love you."

:
Just what I was going to say. Say thank you - you don't have to explain yourself here, right now. Leave it at that.

[Super Glue Mommy]

I said just that, thanks! now I just have to just remember to leave it at that if she responds...

[tracymom1]

It is actually kind of odd how similar your situation is to mine.

At one point I tried the "I can't talk to you right now because I am working on my own things" approach and it just angered her and, of course, made it all about her feelings and "needs" and how wrong I was for needing time and space. My opinion about that is to keep it to yourself and do your best to avoid her. My therapist from years ago gave me a simple, but good, bit of advice that has helped me on numerous occasions. When on the phone, if the toxic behavior starts, have someone ring your doorbell and say, "oh Mom, the (insert misc person like washing machine repair man) is here, gotta run, talk to you later! Bye!" There is nothing wrong with avoidance, especially when you know exactly where the conversation is headed.

You cannot change her, and she will not change on her own. The most liberating thing I did for myself was to wake up and realize that our relationship will never be "normal" and that I simply cannot count on her for anything but heartache and disgust. Once I really accepted that in my life, things got better. I could stomach her and her rude, passive-aggressive ways, knowing that the emotional door has closed and she cannot "get to me" anymore. We put on a show - a little play-nice song and dance because I ignore just about everything she says. Or I pretend that she is "right" - sometimes it kills me, but peace is maintained.

This is, of course, after years of not speaking, screaming, tears, therapy (me only, NEVER her) and hate - true hate (I wish I was exaggerating). I guess I am just so sick of it that I have learned to let it go. It takes so much time and energy to harbor the bad feelings - to stress about something as simple as a phone call, but I know exactly where you are.

I agree with the PP and her advice - simple, non-confrontational and clear words. It is probably the easiest path.

Sending you lots of and good vibes :

[Super Glue Mommy]

thanks so much for the support an understanding. I realize I can't change her (that took me a while to learn too) so I am focusing on me now and getting to a place where I am healed enough and strong enough not to let her hurt me anymore.

[Pookietooth]

She sounds like she might be mentally ill. to you.