I'm deploying to Iraq and need advice

[ians_mommy]

Mods, I am not sure where to place this post- please move if appropriate.

I received word last week that I will deploy to Irag in June for 6 months.
I am excited about the mission (healthcare), but am agonizing over leaving my DS. He is 16 months now and will be aged 19-25 months while I am away.

He is still breastfed.

My DH is an AMAZING father. We all cosleep and he is very physically affectionate/responsive/playful/gentle with our son. He also is a coach and only works in the afternoon, so is home with DS all morning. So I am not at all concerned about the care of my son while I am away...although I wish we had family near to help DH out.

I am concerned about my connection with DS. We are very attached and I will not be able to explain to him why Mommy is going away...I will just dissapear. I wish he was older so he could understand the words/concepts...but then again I am glad he is young enough that he will not remember this.

But what about the subconscious damage? How can I help him to not feel abandoned?
Any stories from women who have BTDT (themselves or husbands) would be great.
Thanks.

[Delicateflower]

This is only experience from relatives who live far away, but it might help.

Take lots of video of you reading stories, and singing songs. the quality of those is much better than a webcam, and he can have them multiple times a day. Tape yourself singing lullabies so he can listen to them at bedtime. You can be the person who does his bedtime stories, even if you're not there. If you burn a DVD of them your husband will easily be able to choose a story/song to play.

Wear a shirt to sleep in for several nights and put it aside without washing it, then use it as a comfort item with him so your smell stays familiar.

Print out lots of photos of you and of you and him together, laminate then and let him play with them.

Webchat! Skype has really come along in the most recent edition and their sound is now tolerable. My child recognised her grandma at the airport and ran to her when she was 2 1/2 after only webchats.

[Biscuits & Gravy]

I don't have any BTDT advice, but I could not see and read your post without thanking you. So thank you. I hope your deployment speeds by and hope for your safe return to your family and loved ones.

[jadegirl553]

I wasn't deployed, but my husband was. It'll probably be totally different for mom to be gone instead of dad, but this was our experience...

DS was about one and a half when he left. IMO, it was good timing. He was old enough to have bonded with his dad, but young enough to still be flexible. It could have been just DS's personality, though. He knew something was off, but he wasn't that tuned in to what was happening. At his age, distraction was a great tool!

When DH got back their relationship was ok. It took some extra effort on DH's part, but things were ok. DS was still young enough that he accepted DH's homecomming rather easily. (I, on the other hand, was a different story! )

I think a close relationship with his dad will help immensely! Also, having other people around who loved and cared for and played with him was huge.

[Eaglevoice]

I was going to suggest making lots of videos like the pp recommended, too. I think that is a great idea.

[Tilia]

My DD's dad has been deployed twice so far in her 3 years. He was gone from birth-11 months (while we were still married), and he just returned from another year in Iraq and DD is now 3 years 3 months. Somehow, they have a great bond and DD does great talking to him on the phone while he is gone.

We did the t-shirt thing so she could smell him when he was a baby.

If you are in a place where they have video-conferencing, that would be really great for both of you.

I would just call often to let him hear your voice, even if he really can't talk back very well.

I also kept lots of pictures of DDs dad around so she could look at him whenever she wanted.

[goodygumdrops]

My husband and I were on separate coasts for 3 months. My son seemed fine and when my husband came home, they were playing like nothing happened within a day. My son was around 21 months when we moved.

I hope your trip goes well and your family adjusts smoothly.

[Freefromitall]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

This is only experience from relatives who live far away, but it might help.

Take lots of video of you reading stories, and singing songs. the quality of those is much better than a webcam, and he can have them multiple times a day. Tape yourself singing lullabies so he can listen to them at bedtime. You can be the person who does his bedtime stories, even if you're not there. If you burn a DVD of them your husband will easily be able to choose a story/song to play.

Wear a shirt to sleep in for several nights and put it aside without washing it, then use it as a comfort item with him so your smell stays familiar.

Print out lots of photos of you and of you and him together, laminate then and let him play with them.

Webchat! Skype has really come along in the most recent edition and their sound is now tolerable. My child recognised her grandma at the airport and ran to her when she was 2 1/2 after only webchats.

okay, all that? Was what I was going to suggest.

[ians_mommy]

Thanks for allthe replys.
I know many of my Army-brothers have deployed for longer and their families have been fine...but somehow I have this huge guilt about it...like he will have abandonment issues one day and resent me. Silly I know- but there it is.

[phrogger]

Originally Posted by ians_mommy

Thanks for allthe replys.
I know many of my Army-brothers have deployed for longer and their families have been fine...but somehow I have this huge guilt about it...like he will have abandonment issues one day and resent me. Silly I know- but there it is.

It is reasonable to feel that way, I don't want you to feel that it is silly that you feel like that. However, kids who are truly abandoned I think go through some sort of abuse or neglect. Sounds like your DH is doing an amazing job.

My step son had a REALLY hard time when his dad would deploy when he was younger, BUT his mother didn't do much with him. It was like his primary caregiver was gone and now he is being ignored by this other person there as well. When I got my step son and his father deployed again, we did everything we could to make it easier. Lots of pictures, talking about dad all the time. Reminding him that daddy was off doing his really important job and he would be home when he could, but he didn't want to be gone, but had to to help/protect other people. It is probably a little more mature then what your son is ready for, BUT hearing those things over and over will sink in.

Lots of home movies, lots of letters, making him draw pictures. A visual count down to when you are coming home and as many calls home or video conferences as you can.

It is good to be aware that you will need to make an effort to make him feel and know that mom is still there in spirit even if she isn't right there and dad will have to pick up the slack, but it can be just fine.

Now my step son hears dad might deploy next year and he is like "does that mean Erin is taking me to disneyland again and we get lots of ice cream". He is looking forward to me spoiling him

[marlne]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

This is only experience from relatives who live far away, but it might help.

Take lots of video of you reading stories, and singing songs. the quality of those is much better than a webcam, and he can have them multiple times a day. Tape yourself singing lullabies so he can listen to them at bedtime. You can be the person who does his bedtime stories, even if you're not there. If you burn a DVD of them your husband will easily be able to choose a story/song to play.

Wear a shirt to sleep in for several nights and put it aside without washing it, then use it as a comfort item with him so your smell stays familiar.

Print out lots of photos of you and of you and him together, laminate then and let him play with them.

Webchat! Skype has really come along in the most recent edition and their sound is now tolerable. My child recognised her grandma at the airport and ran to her when she was 2 1/2 after only webchats.

All awesome ideas!! If there was just one thing I could add, it would be maybe getting a little cozy pillow you can put a photo of you on. THat way your little one can snuggle with mommy.

You know, it's okay to have all the feelings you are having and it's totally normal. There are a lot of military families out there who do well and don't end up with having abandonment issues.
If everyone sticks together, listens and supports eachother, it can only be a benefit in those hard times.

[ChetMC]

Parent Away

DH was away from us for three months for work when the girls were 2 and 3. DH is very close with our kids, but they were totally fine. I think that having so many other secure relationships was key to them doing so well. The whole thing was hardest on DH because he was so lonely.

We didn't do the whole videos, phone calls and pictures thing in a big way. Honestly, I was afraid that it would upset them. I think it's great for older kids, but I'm not sure if it's always the best thing for little ones.

[jivey]

Originally Posted by Delicateflower

This is only experience from relatives who live far away, but it might help.

Take lots of video of you reading stories, and singing songs. the quality of those is much better than a webcam, and he can have them multiple times a day. Tape yourself singing lullabies so he can listen to them at bedtime. You can be the person who does his bedtime stories, even if you're not there. If you burn a DVD of them your husband will easily be able to choose a story/song to play.

Wear a shirt to sleep in for several nights and put it aside without washing it, then use it as a comfort item with him so your smell stays familiar.

Print out lots of photos of you and of you and him together, laminate then and let him play with them.

Webchat! Skype has really come along in the most recent edition and their sound is now tolerable. My child recognised her grandma at the airport and ran to her when she was 2 1/2 after only webchats.

Very good advice. you took the words out of my mouth.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

One thing I did before I mobilized was make sure I weaned my son ahead of time. That way he does not lose both mommy and the booby-milk at the same time. He was about 14 months old when I got notice.

[Amila]

Check this out: http://www.skype.com/

It is free. You could still read to him, and he would be able to see you!

[Sierra]

I have not been in your exact shoes, but have lived through a separation from my young children (both of whom had attachment issues to begin with, particularly my foster daughter-- now just my daughter -- whose early life was very unstable). When I left, I did not know when I'd be able to see them again.

I don't have much to add in terms of the logistics, but I just want to acknowledge that being away from our young kids-- irrational or not-- absolutely can trigger a huge amount of pain and grief and sorrow and worry. That is absolutely real and valid. Looking back, I really don't know how I made it through the tremendous grief I experienced. Somehow, I just did. It took me a good amount of therapy when I got back to deal with all that pain that I couldn't process while in the middle of it. We had to work on re-bonding a bit, but my kids absolutely recovered faster than I did.

I'm not saying this to cause anxiety. Your son will be okay. He has, as you said, his wonderful daddy, and when you get back, he will be so excited and the two of you will re-connect. But I don't want you to feel alone when you are gone and having these feelings about missing him. You are so not alone.

I had spotty internet access at the time, so there are only a handful of posts on my blog from my time without my kids, but here they are, if you want to read them. Maybe they'll have some clues about how I made it through because honestly, I don't know. I just plugged away, and eventually it was over.

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...rt-breaks.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...l-of-only.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...t-arrived.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...ng-voyage.html

[AuburnBeth]

I think alot of these are good ideas, esp. the recording, reading, etc.

May I also suggest thinking about a "twin" to a favorite toy of his? Or a special toy? Perhaps you can send him pictures of you with "Bunny" so he can see you interacting with Bunny, too?

A friend did the Build-a-Bear thing, with recorded voices of the deploying parent. Another friend did the photo transfer to fabric and made a "daddy doll". OH! We also traced handprints, so the kids could go "hold hands" with their parent if they needed to.

My DH deployed when DS#1 was 12 months, and returned at 1 year. We had LOTS of pictures, etc. The best thing was a poster sized compartmentalized sleeve that we hung at eye level and rotated various pictures through. (Daddy with DS, Daddy with the pets, Daddy with Mommy, etc.) DH returned at midtour at 18 mos, and when he left, DS went looking for him around the house, behind doors, etc., but he acclimated pretty well. DS was at a good age, because he was still so flexible. DH missed out on enough that now (w/ DS#2) it's a constant refrain, "Did DS#1 do this? Was he this fun/outgoing/crazy?"

[ians_mommy]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

One thing I did before I mobilized was make sure I weaned my son ahead of time. That way he does not lose both mommy and the booby-milk at the same time. He was about 14 months old when I got notice.

I have thought of this and it makes me very sad
I thought about his loss, but also how I did not want our last nursing to be the night before I left...insult to injury KWIM

How long were you gone? How was the reunion?

[2lilsweetfoxes]

That time, I was gone a bit over a month before DH and DC joined me. I only got sent to Fort Polk, LA. However, the housing situation was such that we were not sure if they'd be able to get there after 1 month or 6 months (luckily I found an apartment and my command let me move in). We were there for two years, then I got sent to Korea for a little over a year. DH tells me he had the boy in his own bed and well behaved and it went out the window when I got back--he sleeps with me and all that stuff. (DH is not exactly what you would call an AP parent, more what we would call mainstream.)

[ians_mommy]

Originally Posted by Sierra

I have not been in your exact shoes, but have lived through a separation from my young children (both of whom had attachment issues to begin with, particularly my foster daughter-- now just my daughter -- whose early life was very unstable). When I left, I did not know when I'd be able to see them again.

I don't have much to add in terms of the logistics, but I just want to acknowledge that being away from our young kids-- irrational or not-- absolutely can trigger a huge amount of pain and grief and sorrow and worry. That is absolutely real and valid. Looking back, I really don't know how I made it through the tremendous grief I experienced. Somehow, I just did. It took me a good amount of therapy when I got back to deal with all that pain that I couldn't process while in the middle of it. We had to work on re-bonding a bit, but my kids absolutely recovered faster than I did.

I'm not saying this to cause anxiety. Your son will be okay. He has, as you said, his wonderful daddy, and when you get back, he will be so excited and the two of you will re-connect. But I don't want you to feel alone when you are gone and having these feelings about missing him. You are so not alone.

I had spotty internet access at the time, so there are only a handful of posts on my blog from my time without my kids, but here they are, if you want to read them. Maybe they'll have some clues about how I made it through because honestly, I don't know. I just plugged away, and eventually it was over.

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...rt-breaks.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...l-of-only.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...t-arrived.html

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislike...ng-voyage.html

Thank you