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Confrontation with another mom at open gym. - Page 6

post #101 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savoury View Post
I did get the full story from DS and from the other mom in the email. I have left nothing out.
I wasn't implying that you were. I was responding to another poster who stated that you had personally witnessed the entire incident which you yourself stated that you had not in the original post. Just clarifying a point.
post #102 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savoury View Post
I did get the full story from DS and from the other mom in the email. I have left nothing out.

But because C was really upset over the incident (she said in the email he was sensitive) the rest of the open gym time spiralled out of control for him. C's mom blames DS for it all.

IF I had gone over and followed up with her and him over the incident with the ball, I think this wouldn't even be an issue. But I didn't and boy have I learned my lesson.
Unfortunately I would venture a guess that this woman would have found another opportunity to make this an issue.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I admire how you have taken the advice and comments offered in this thread and it sounds like you have a plan for the future.
With respect to the email, I think I agree with the PPs to acknowledge you have received it, indicate that you are dealing with it at home in the same way you are sure she is helping her son understand his role, and that you believe that you can both help the boys have peaceful interactions in the future.
And then I would probably stay away from her as much as possible. She sounds a bit highstrung.

Good luck.
Karen
post #103 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savoury View Post

IF I had gone over and followed up with her and him over the incident with the ball, I think this wouldn't even be an issue. But I didn't and boy have I learned my lesson.
Boy, this mama stuff is tough to negotiate sometimes, isn't it? And each new stage (and each new kid in each new stage!) brings its own challenges. The best we can do is... well, our best. We just keep trying, right?
post #104 of 124
your doing great, im glad you feel more prepared for the next time!
post #105 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savoury View Post
Regardless, as I said, I thought I handled it ok when it happened and I now realize I didn't and I could have done better.
I think any parent can say this. Hind sight is 20/20. And you can always go back over a situation and reevaluate what the best solution was. But in the moment, things just are not that easy at times.

But, no matter what you did or did not do, the other mother was totally out of line.
post #106 of 124
I don't know what you learned from her??? I'm confused when you say that. You did what you could and stayed in line with your parenting. You talked to him and sat him down for awhile and then let him go play.

The other mother was unpredictable and explosive and that's not your fault at all...no lesson to learn there. I think it was showed her true colors when she thought you needed to leave the open play just because the two had an incident. She's had other parents just leave before and she apparently didn't equate it to her son's behavior...maybe she thought your friend was punishing her kids when they left and never realized that it was because her son was being a bully. I wonder where he learned it

I'm still reading this post because I'm hoping to hear your response to her email....I hope you update with what you decided to say...or not say.
post #107 of 124
Quote:
Regardless, as I said, I thought I handled it ok when it happened and I now realize I didn't and I could have done better. I will absolutely not let something like that happen again. I will handle it better and help my DS handle it better.
Savoury, I'm really impressed at how open you've been to working this through. None of us do it exactly right all of the time (or even most of the time or frequently!). I think you did fine in the first place given that you're herding 3 kids and nursing. Stuff between kids happens fast. I look at these things when they happen in our lives as opportunities for the child and the mom to learn.
post #108 of 124
Savoury, mama, you have handled this way more graciously and confidently than I would have. I've learned a lot from this thread alone!

As for us, I sure do force apologies.

I'm willing to sit on my six year old until I squish one out if necessary.

My parents forced us to apologize (with a reason, not just a muttered SORRY) and today I don't apologize unless I feel it's necessary and have boat loads of compassion.

I just personally find it distasteful for MY six year old to do something obviously hurtful or rude and not express remorse to the wronged party.
post #109 of 124
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom View Post
I don't know what you learned from her??? I'm confused when you say that. You did what you could and stayed in line with your parenting. You talked to him and sat him down for awhile and then let him go play.

The other mother was unpredictable and explosive and that's not your fault at all...no lesson to learn there. I think it was showed her true colors when she thought you needed to leave the open play just because the two had an incident. She's had other parents just leave before and she apparently didn't equate it to her son's behavior...maybe she thought your friend was punishing her kids when they left and never realized that it was because her son was being a bully. I wonder where he learned it

I'm still reading this post because I'm hoping to hear your response to her email....I hope you update with what you decided to say...or not say.
Well, I can't say I learned anything good from her. Just that people can be unpredictable and I should remember that. Like I shouldn't expect the other parent to be cool, yk?

However, the comments here were a good reminder that I should follow up with the other kid of this ever happens again (which I hope it doesn't). And even if DS doesn't want to apologize or feel like he shouldn't, that there are other ways to make amends.

I will respond to her email, but I am still waiting to be calm. I don't want to write and hit send still feeling this anger when I think about her email. I will probably wait a day or two and email her something short and sweet, as it has been suggested.

Anyway, we have decided to leave the co-op she is a part of. I will not feel comfortable there and neither will DS. He was there while she was yelling about him being a bully and he is very confused and hurt by it. I don't think he should be around her if we can help it. We will be polite and DS will apologize to C as he said he would, but I don't think we will try to find her and be around her.
post #110 of 124
Savoury is an awesome mom, very attentive to her children and very aware of their unique needs. (Unique in the sense that every person is an individual, not in the sense that her kid has "issues" and "needs" that separate him from other kids.)

Her boy is a sweet kid who is often shy and a tad uncomfortable in new social settings and he's got a mom who is very in tune to him and very interested in helping him to cope,interact and genuinely engage.

I'd like to think that most parents are able to see their kids strengths and weaknesses in an objective way and are able to help their kids work through issues as they arise. The reality of parenting is that we all bring to the table our own history, our own issues and trigger points. It's not appropriate to put this personal stuff onto others as C's mom did.

I completely agree with the previous posters who talk about the prevailing thought that a child of X age should have mastered x, y and z skills. I think you can find anger management classes in just about every community....this tells me that a whole lot of adults didn't meet the mark for accomplishing this goal. Life is a learning curve and it's our responsibility to help our children cope with their emotions, help them to find appropriate ways to channel their emotions. I can say that I've witnessed Savoury do this in fine fashion with her boy in a very honest and objective way!
post #111 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer View Post
Savoury is an awesome mom, very attentive to her children and very aware of their unique needs. (Unique in the sense that every person is an individual, not in the sense that her kid has "issues" and "needs" that separate him from other kids.)

Her boy is a sweet kid who is often shy and a tad uncomfortable in new social settings and he's got a mom who is very in tune to him and very interested in helping him to cope,interact and genuinely engage.

I'd like to think that most parents are able to see their kids strengths and weaknesses in an objective way and are able to help their kids work through issues as they arise. The reality of parenting is that we all bring to the table our own history, our own issues and trigger points. It's not appropriate to put this personal stuff onto others as C's mom did.

I completely agree with the previous posters who talk about the prevailing thought that a child of X age should have mastered x, y and z skills. I think you can find anger management classes in just about every community....this tells me that a whole lot of adults didn't meet the mark for accomplishing this goal. Life is a learning curve and it's our responsibility to help our children cope with their emotions, help them to find appropriate ways to channel their emotions. I can say that I've witnessed Savoury do this in fine fashion with her boy in a very honest and objective way!
From everything I have read here I wish I knew Savoury in real life she sounds like she sets a great example, and by her responses here sounds like she is not only a good mother but a good person as well.
post #112 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super Glue Mommy View Post
From everything I have read here I wish I knew Savoury in real life she sounds like she sets a great example, and by her responses here sounds like she is not only a good mother but a good person as well.
She is!

We are all learning....and we all have moments that we wish we could retract and re do. I think it's good that C's mom apologized for her behavior and was able to see that her past baggage colored a good bit of the experience. That shows effort to learn and I commend that. But you can't go making suggestions that because a child is acting out in a situation that he's not getting enough time from his parents or that he's a bully and that he's not being raised right! Those are just wrong assumptions to make about a family!
post #113 of 124
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer View Post
She is!

We are all learning....and we all have moments that we wish we could retract and re do. I think it's good that C's mom apologized for her behavior and was able to see that her past baggage colored a good bit of the experience. That shows effort to learn and I commend that. But you can't go making suggestions that because a child is acting out in a situation that he's not getting enough time from his parents or that he's a bully and that he's not being raised right! Those are just wrong assumptions to make about a family!
Thanks. I should let you know I am feeling more calm and way less reactionary then when I first got the email! I think I am almost ready to email her back but I will talk to you first
post #114 of 124
I hope you change your mind about having your son apologize to hers. You can't count on her to be gracious and you can pretty much assume that she'll take that apology as a chance to lecture your son. She's already said that she wanted to teach him the correct way to behave.

It's a shame that you're leaving the coop. Are there other parents/children that you like in it? I hope you find a better coop soon.

Lisa
post #115 of 124
if you are leaving I would talk to the parents you like before leaving. Let them know that you have really enjoyed their friendship and want to keep in touch... I agree its a shame you are leaving over 1 person, but I can't blame you. I'm sure if the women continues to act this way you wont be the last to leave.
post #116 of 124
Thread Starter 
Well, they are only four families left in the co-op. I already talked to the mom who is a good friend, and she is leaving too. So I guess it will be defunct. And we have already found a new co-op with friends on it for all the kids

I will think about DS apologizing. Maybe we should just stay away.
post #117 of 124
I agree that if you make your ds apologize at this point it will be a huge shaming experience. It would have been nice if he'd apologized at the time, but now this mom has been working on what she'll say, and based on what we've seen so far it's safe to say she won't be nice.
post #118 of 124
I think thats great Savoury!!!

if your son wants to apologize I would let him, let him do the right thing even if the other mother isn't going to be gracious about it. if she starts to say anything I would interupt and say "isn't it great when children can decide to do the right thing on their own. how wonderful the boys are working this out on their own" and if she tries to continue say "sorry we couldn't stick around! time to go!"

alternately, your son, if he wants to, can send a card apologizing, and you can see if another friend in the group can get it to him so your son can do the right thing without you all having to deal with that toxic woman.
post #119 of 124
That sounds really harsh. If it were me, I would have just walked away. I can't stand that kind of confrontation, especially when my kids are around. Sorry you had to go through that! I hope you can find a way to work things out with her if you have to see her in the future.
post #120 of 124
Savoury, my go at a response to this mother would look something like this:

Dear C's Mom,
I received your email. I spent more time talking with (son's name) and we agree that things could have been handled differently in the moment. In the future he and I will remember this incident and try to learn from it.

I'm sure I will see you around.
Savoury.

Then you are not apologizing or acknowledging her slurs towards your son. It is not letting her be right.

I'm kind of a butthead about not apologizing to rude people though. I will really far out of my way to avoid it.
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