Friend's pregnancy announcement - must vent. :(

[ChristyMarie]

So my "friend" who knows what I'm going through is pregnant. Great. I'm happy for her but I just scheduled my initial consultation with an IVF doctor. After 3 m/c and 9 straight months of not getting pregnant again, including a try with clomid. Not a good time right now.

So does she call me and tell me? Even though we've talked each day for the last few days? No, instead she comes to my house last night, where I"m throwing a big party, playing happy hostess, and decides to tell me there. In the middle of the party. Thank goodness she had told others and they told me before everyone arrived so I was able to grab a drink and compose myself.

Who does that? Is there no compassion? I had already told her that when she got pregnant it was going to be a very hard thing for me to hear. Very hard.

I think I"m just done. I'm not sure how I can see to talk to her right now. I just can't. She could have told me several times before last night. In a nice way. A "hey sorry you are struggling but I wanted you to hear it from me" conversation. Instead you ambush me at a party? My party?

*sigh*

[ladylaura]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

I think I"m just done. I'm not sure how I can see to talk to her right now. I just can't. She could have told me several times before last night. In a nice way. A "hey sorry you are struggling but I wanted you to hear it from me" conversation. Instead you ambush me at a party? My party?

*sigh*

So that is DEFINITELY tactless... Ugh. I am not usually one of those infertiles who sees a pregnant woman and gets upset, because ultimately it's not THEIR fault, and it's not a personal attack against me. And I ultimately forgive fertile people because I know they just don't understand what it's like to struggle and feel like this every single day. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

But I do have a problem with people who know what's going on and can't use their brains to realize that oh, maybe things like this should be handled more carefully?? How incredibly inconsiderate of your friend.

That said, there is a chance that she had no idea that it would hurt you so much. I find that even my friends who are incredibly sensitive to my situation don't always know that what they're saying is a bit hurtful.

Uh, sorry to write a book.

[Dea]

Oh I'm sorry.
I hope you pampered yourself today and took it easy.
much love.

[lifeguard]

That sucks.

[ChristyMarie]

I had made it very clear to her that when she found out it was going to be very hard news to hear. So she knew.

The wonderful thing is that every other woman came up to be at some point and expressed how bad it was of her to do that and offered sympathy. And we all agreed that I would intercept the other woman struggling at the door and let her know quietly (you know, since this "friend" was using my party as her announcement party). I did and she thanked me. All the support made me feel better.

And DH and I talked a lot about IVF today and I'm feeling more comfortable in proceeding.

[nummies]

No one will ever understand. Really, you have to go through this to understand what it is like. Sorry your friend did that to you.

[Julia'sMom]

That is so hard. I have found that infertility has re-defined some of my "friends". Some, I just won't associate with much, and perhaps will grow closer once I had a baby. I'm just accepting that as the way it is since it is important that I look after myself and my mental health.

[GirlOutOfNY]

I am sorry your "friend" did that too. I have needed to vent also, so here goes, a good place to do it. TTC for 4 yrs. (ds is 5) and my friends know that. Like PP I try not to hold it against others if they are fertile, but they also know how to tread around me...

So a friend is coming for a visit, just overnight and we were discussing the trip and she comes out with her daughter is prego (with her second) and proceeds to send me a pic as if I dont' know what a pregnant woman looks like! But thats not it, then friend said, well its not like you won't have another... um its looking that way right now!! And then said "I shouldnt' have to tell you, be thankful for what you have". ARGH!!! Yes, I am thankful for a loving, honest, hardworking (handsome) husband, and a smart, funny, wonderful boy, but its just not how I saw my family being (3-4 is more like it but at 40, I will try for 1 more).

People just don't get what you have been dealing with. Living the years week to week, month to month, never having "recreational" love-making, always planning and counting. I am on clomid, my 2nd month, so I know some of this could be hormonal too but dang, that doesnt' make it any easier either!!

Sorry for the book.

[marinak1977]

ChristyMarie and GirlOutOfNY. I am so sorry about what you're going through and your insensitive friends. That sucks! :
People who don't have any trouble getting pregnant just do not get it. Luckily we have this community to support one another.

[GirlOutOfNY]

thanks for your kind words (it does help! to hear it from one who knows!) The other thing I try to remind myself about said friend and antoher coworker, is that they had their kids very young like 17 and 19 I think. So they kind of rushed thru their "baby years", with husbands that didnt' want much to do with infants and onto divorces and dating. Coworker actually had her daughter move out at 17, so by the time she was 34 she was on her own again. Interestingly enough, the same age I had my son. I wanted and waited for him. I cherished every minute of his babyhood (even tho he was a horrible sleeper and very very very attached to me). I am a better parent now then I ever could have been at 17, 19 or even in my 20's. He is my reason to be!! I have a stong marriage to a man that loves to be a father, I have never wanted to pawn my kid off on a babysitter so I can go out. I work at home so I can be around when he needs me. I feel sorry FOR THEM, they missed out on all that.

Sorry, just in a mood today (or is it the clomid?).

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by GirlOutOfNY

Sorry, just in a mood today (or is it the clomid?).

It might be the clomid.

But you make a lot of very valid points and I cannot believe what your friend said. And to bring her pregnant daughter without telling you? I have a horrible time being around pregnant women. Sometimes this just sucks.

[booja's mom]

ChristyMarie and GirlOutOfNY I am so sorry you had to deal with this... Noone really understand unless they have been throught it.