I need some perspective on this....parents of adult children??

[waiting2bemommy]

So i have posted before about how my mom at the last minute decided she could not babysit for ds, even if i pai her. So i had to turn down the job offer i got because I had no childcare.

yesterday a family called me looking for a nanny. They are open to me brining ds and wanted to meet him at the interview, which we scheduled for noon today. I couldn't not get a hold of my mom when they called, so i went ahead and ok'ed the time and figure we could always move it an hour or so if the time was inconvenient for her.

Well, it turned out that she had a Bible study at 12:30 and 2. we have our congregation meeting at 3. So I figured i would switch the interview to 6. My mom said no because she "didn't want her car in Portsmouth." I have no idea what that means, since Portsmouth is only about 30 minutes away. I dropped it for the night (it was too late to call and cancel).

This morning she woke up sick and said she is cancelling her bible studies. I assumed that meant the car was free, but NOOOOO, now it was because I'm not alllowed to drive her car, and she is too sick to take me. Also, she said that the family sounded like there was something wrong with them, becuase they wanted me to come out and meet with them and they haven't even moved into their house in /virginia beach yet, which is where I would be nannying. As far as i know, people like to plan in advance, right? I don't see where that is so strange.

I tried to explain to her that this job would fit withint her parameters sicne it wouldn't involve her babysitting, and if they are in virginia beach i could even take the bus back and forth so she wouldn't have to drive me every day or anything.

It ended with me upset and frustrated and her screaming at me to get out of the room. In all fairness, i was not terribly pleasant at the end either. But she just kept saying that she didn't have to give me a reason, and this is not ym house, it's not my car, etc etc. i felt like the dynamic was not one of two grown women working out s aconflict, but of a dictatorial parent and the spoiled brat of a kid.

My dad finally stepped in and said he'd take me, but i think it was mroe to end the cconversation, then because he agreed with me. And I feel terrible now to the point that I want to call and cancelt anyway, because I know he doesn't feel well himself. My intention was not to beat them down....ugh i feel like a rotten teenager or something.



I feel like if I don't stand my ground a little my mom will continue to find fault with every prospective job, and i will never be able to become self reliant. I feel, and others ahve observed the same thing, that it is almsot a subconcsious passive aggressive way of keeping me with her.Please share your honest perspective. Was I out of line in how i dealt with my mom? Was I presumptuous in assuming i could use the car? How can i handle this better so that she doesn't feel walked all over? i feel like i am doing a terible job of being a daughter, but at the time I chalked thie request up to more of a "need" than a want....it wasn't as though i asked to go get my nails done. Please be gentle with your criticism...

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

i felt like the dynamic was not one of two grown women working out s aconflict, but of a dictatorial parent and the spoiled brat of a kid.

....

I feel like if I don't stand my ground a little my mom will continue to find fault with every prospective job, and i will never be able to become self reliant.

....

Was I out of line in how i dealt with my mom? Yes, you both were disrespectful to the other. Was I presumptuous in assuming i could use the car? Yes. How can i handle this better so that she doesn't feel walked all over? Find another source for childcare and transportation. Begin treating your mom with friendliness, not neediness. Become SELF-reliant not MOM-reliant. (

(Hard but worth it - I am a single mom too and know how hard it is to make it on your own, without help.) Good luck!

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by Seasons

(Hard but worth it - I am a single mom too and know how hard it is to make it on your own, without help.) Good luck!

thanks for the kick in the butt Off to call the cab company.....

[caro113]

I can understand where you are coming from. My mother is the same way. Ever since we (me, my daughter, my partner) moved back in with my parents, my mother has treated me like a five year old and I hate it. When we first moved in with them (we moved back to the area so we needed to get everything together job wise and money wise) it seemed like it would be okay, but she was horrible, absolutely horrible, denying us the car at the last second when we had an appt with the ob or mw, telling DP he was worthless and couldn't land a job (he went through a really long app process only to be turned down, never mind that he found a job with two weeks after that happened), calling me a "f*cking ungrateful little b*tch" in front of the little girl she watches and in front my daughter after she was born. Really, she can be such a monster.

Anyhow, I wouldn't say you were wrong to assume you could take the car. From what it sounds like, you were under the impression you couldn't take it at a certain time due to her bible study (btw, if she is religious enough to go to bible study, how does she justify the way she treats you?) and now that she wasn't going to her bible study, I would think it would be safe assume that you can use the car, especially since it's broad day light.
You admitted you weren't the nicest person either once the argument got heated, but did you start off trying to be respectful? I'm assuming you did and your mother just got so nasty that you ended up being angry and expressing that, the same way I do. But that shouldn't stop you from going to that interview. Let your dad take you or ask him if it would be easier for him if you just took his car. Don't cancel this wonderful job opp just because of your mother and her pathological need to have someone need her. That's all she is doing, forcing you to need her. Taking this job will prove to yourself that you don't need her and eventually, you'll be able to move out on your own and definitely not need her for anything. At that point you can just want her, which is so much better than needing her.

You can always say that you need to move out to be self-sufficient and prove to yourself that you can do it. If that doesn't work you can simply tell her that the way she is acting is not appropriate for your son to see and leave it at that. I have to do that sometimes too.

I hope this situation works out for you. Hopefully you'll get that job and be able to move out on your own soon!! Good Luck!! Let us know how the interview went!

[caro113]

How did the interview go?

[MCR]

Wow she's trying to block any chances of work at every opportunity. I don't get that. I'd be encouraging your independence.
Good luck with the interview, I hope it went well.

[waiting2bemommy]

They offered me the job!!!!

the only bad par is that they still have not found a house in my city yet, and I have no way to get to them where they are now....busing it would take hours and cabs are too pricey. So it willl have to wait until they move here.

On a side note, I'm trying to do the jay gordon nightweaning from bedtime till 11-12 PM, and that means ds has to go to sleep after nursing, without being actually nursed to sleep. Which in our case involves some tears. My mom came in the room and started puttering around and talking AS IM TRYING TO PUT HIM TO SLEEP. so then he wanted her and she said, innocently," oh can I take him and put him down?" Well, now you have to, sicne he's seen you. so much for sticking with the nightweaning plan. It's making it harder and harder for me to get him to sleep w/out nursing since she always jumps in. She wants to be indisposable, I think.

[caro113]

Congrats on the job! : I am so happy you got it!! Is it possible you could work out a transport system with them? If they had a spare room, you could just live in there d-: That would be ideal. How long do they think it will be until they move in the area? I hope it's soon!!

I am so sorry your mother is acting like that. I don't remember from your other posts but are you an only child? I am and my mother does the same thing, all the time. The other night I had to get up twice and make a bottle for my LO and both times my mother came in as I was trying to feed her to sleep, asking if she could take her and put her to sleep. Another time, the same night, I was half asleep and my LO was waking up. I didn't pay much attention to her waking up because she usually does that and then goes right back to sleep. Well my mother came in and woke me up to tell me the baby was awake. And of course, baby woke up then. Ugh.

I would talk to her about it during the day when your son is sleeping, but I suspect she won't care. Is locking the door at night an option? Too bad you can't talk to your dad or another family member about it.

Good Luck!!