Hurt by mom's lack of respect for parenting choices

[MittensKittens]

I have seen plenty of threads similar to this one... I guess it is my turn now . My mom has made it clear that she does not think much of my parenting style. She is constantly saying that DD needs time outs, and that I should let DS CIO, to name the most annoying points. She makes an effort to be non judgmental towards everyone, which is why it feels worse she feels she can make such sneering comments about the way I choose to parent. Today I was on skype with her when DD started a tantrum, basically because the new baby has been tough on her in some ways, and she still has to get used to sharing her mom! Any way, that set me off because my mom said that DD was being "a bad girl," and that I needed to put her in her crib (which is in the laundry room gathering dust and she doesn't even sleep there!). Actually, she then started directly addressing DD telling her she was bad and had crossed the line. It made me pretty sad. We don't do time outs here, and my mom is well aware of that. I guess what bother me most is the way in which she casually tries to lay down her will, as if to assume that I will "bend" at some stage.

Sorry for that ramble. But how do you deal with similar issues? I have tried explaining her why I do thing so often, that is not the point. It is the disrespect and sarcasm I find hardest

[nolonger]

It's the hardest lesson I am still trying to learn about parenting:

Got that covered! Thank you! Want some bean dip?
:

My oldest is 21. I'm still working on it.

[tireesix]

I have a Kaya too! Born April 04.

Anyway, I am useless when it comes to parents. 1 lot I am not in contact with at all and the other lot I am just weak with, however, when it came to my parenting, I put my foot down and did the whole boundary thing and not had much trouble since.

[LynnS6]

Another good technique is to smile sweetly and say "You got to make your mistakes, so now it's time for me to make mine."

And then change the topic of conversation.

It's hard not to get approval from your parents, but remember, part of becoming a parent is that you need to have the courage of your convictions. You don't NEED your parents' approval, if you know in your heart of hearts what you're doing is right.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by noordinaryspider

It's the hardest lesson I am still trying to learn about parenting:

Got that covered! Thank you! Want some bean dip?
:

My oldest is 21. I'm still working on it.

That bean dip technique is a good one to learn. It's so versitile. You can use it for anything! Parenting is just the tip of the ice burg.

[astrophe27]

Just carry on put her in place if need be.

Mine used to be that way too and eventually they figured out their roles as "grandparents" and stopped trying to "parent" me and my kid. It stemmed from long time habit (first grandkid) and it stemmed from anxiety and the need to be helpful.

Though it isn't easy and even well meant... still annoying! I remember once my child was screaming and my mother picked up the baby and couldn't calm her down because she simply didn't know how to "read" her cues.

"Give her to me."

"I can't! I have to stop her crying!"

"give her to me."

"But I'm the mom!"

"No, you are her GRANDMOTHER. You are MY mom and your job is to support ME. So give me the baby. Now!"

They also had to spend more time with DD. After a few sleepover visits now that she's older they've figured out why I do what I do and why what worked for me when I was little isn't going to work for DD -- she is her own person with her own personality! LOL.

Hang in there!

A.

[ernalala]

hmmm. Havn't had to deal with that much, my own parents (who also live far away just as yours :-) seem more or less to accept my and oır way of parenting. And my ILs do not seem to care much how we deal with our children, definitely do not interfere (and are rather 'passive grandparents' lol).
Now, I feel that for my own parents, school is/will be an issue. I mean the time when they deem my children to be ready/have to be sent to (read: pre-)school. Got the same vibe from my sister/bil. Such will definitely not affect our choice of how to deal with this issue (if it already is one :-). But it is annoying! Especially since what counts for them/their chidren in their own situation/time is not nescesarily the same for us and OUR children in OUR situation and OUR time, ıykwım. Since ds just turned 3 it's been a favourite 'inquiry' on the phone lately, and we'll have them all v,siting this year so it sure will come up. Looking forward to the reunions, however not to the questioning/pushing/challenging our decisions/ideas on the matter.

I would try to remind your mother that 'putting your daughter in place' (and such even being nescesary or not) is not at all her task, definitely not when you are around and know how to 'deal' (or not deal) with the situation. That you may seek advice once in a while when you think you might need some but that, otherwise, you appreciate ppl, and definitely her as YOUR mother (not your baby's) respecting your parenting ways. Not that I'm so good in communicating like this with my family. Just a few ideas.
I would be shocked too if a person on the phone or video screen would try to 'discipline' or otherwise influence my child the way you explained and as happened to you.

[MittensKittens]

Thanks for the input, everyone! You know the bean dip thing is great and I have no problem applying it to others. But it's often my mom making a sarcastic comment, then changing the subject. The comment then keeps on eating away at me (in the sense that I feel angry and sad, not wavering on parenting issues!). Of course I do tell her not to discipline DD but she then stops, only to do it again on another occasion (all through skype with webcam) and never forgets to add in a touch of sarcasm or a sneer. Not nice

[momo7]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

.......... She makes an effort to be non judgmental towards everyone, which is why it feels worse she feels she can make such sneering comments about the way I choose to parent........ It is the disrespect and sarcasm I find hardest

I'm sorry. I know what it is to deal with this...I could have written this part of your post myself....I know it too well.

I wish I had advice to give you...the best I can offer up is that you know what you are doing....your little one is exactly the way she should be and your mom is just that...your mom.....she doesn't make the rules in your house and that's why she's not your little one's mom. But just once it would be nice to hear what a great job your doing and how proud she is of you right?

I know, I keep waiting too..let your consolation be in your self and not on impossible expectations she expects you to meet.

You're doing fine...you're doing great!

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by momo7

I'm sorry. I know what it is to deal with this...I could have written this part of your post myself....I know it too well.

I wish I had advice to give you...the best I can offer up is that you know what you are doing....your little one is exactly the way she should be and your mom is just that...your mom.....she doesn't make the rules in your house and that's why she's not your little one's mom. But just once it would be nice to hear what a great job your doing and how proud she is of you right?

I know, I keep waiting too..let your consolation be in your self and not on impossible expectations she expects you to meet.

You're doing fine...you're doing great!

Thanks for your support. What do you do? Do you ever try to engage and tell your mom your feelings, or have you let go of that? I guess I should not be surprised. She did it when I was younger, too. I remember her singing praise to diversity, and accepting people for who they truly are - then not accepting me for who I was. We had a rocky relationship when I was a teenager, and now it has been wonderful for many years. I know she doesn't realize how hurtful she is being. But that doesn't stop it from hurting.

[momo7]

I used to try really hard to get her to see my point of view....I finally gave up....

Here's an example of what I have to deal with: I have a cousin..the child of one of her sisters who is a drug addict..to the point where she has put other's lives at risk to support her drug habit...my aunt lets her live at home w/ drug abuser BF and pretty much serves as thier enabler. I told my mother once that she should be glad that I didn't turn out like my cousin and she said to me, "Well....the way you live your life is still not what I wanted for you." My mother refuses to acknowledge any of her 8 grandchildren..they are not allowed to call her grandma or anythinhg related to that title...she has told them not to....she told my 15 year old that I had too many children that they were a burden on the rest of the family and that he could come live with her so he didn't have to be around all his brothers and sister. She ridicules my religion at every turn yet embraces other people's faith and everyone elses beliefs like it is the only thing that matters....every one else can do no wrong yet I am the embarassment of her life. She once told me to introduce my
self to some one she knew as a "friend".

So I told you THAT to tell you THIS: I choose to ignore it because some day I think she might have a change of heart...I am an only child so when it comes down to it, who is going to take care of her when she is really old and can't take care of herself? I will of course...because I love her and I want to take care of her.....She gave me life so I feel like its because of her, my own children live....

She has her own childhood baggage that she has to deal with, so I know the way she treats me has something to do with how she was treated in her own childhood...I really try to understand this.....sometimes I really, really hate her...alot. My husband tells me to pray for her....I try to...mostly I feel sorry for her.

She knows how I feel about these things....after she made the comment about having us having too many children to my son....we didn't talk for almost a year...and in that time she never made a point to say she was sorry or to even acknowlege she made a mistake.....nothing. And you know what? I ended up being the one who made peace. And she still hasn't said anything. Nothing is ever her fault...everyone else is the problem not her.

I have grown to reaally believe that I can cut her out of my life completely....but what will it serve? And in the end when she is dying and alone what will my revenge be? I don't want to deal with that. I don't want that on me. I want to be able to say I kept trying even if she didn't. I want a clean conscience about it all..no anger and no resentment (even if it is hard).

SO I don't know if this helps you or if I completely went off the map with this.......but in any case....do the best you can....and know that when you do it...your best is all that matters and you will never, ever be able to please the people who are impossible to please.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by tireesix

I have a Kaya too! Born April 04.

Anyway, I am useless when it comes to parents. 1 lot I am not in contact with at all and the other lot I am just weak with, however, when it came to my parenting, I put my foot down and did the whole boundary thing and not had much trouble since.

What a great name choice

[MittensKittens]

Wow, saying something like that to your son must be really hurtful, I am so sorry you are having to deal with that. My mom does love her grand babies
and wouldn't go that far. She is just more subtle. She is forever questioning me about "choices I made in life", like, "Wouldn't you have made different choices if you could choose again?" And not once, but all the time. Recently I just told her that thank you very much, I am quite happy with my choices. This earned me a sarcastic sneer followed by "Well, I am not"....

Your approach is probably the right one, considering you can't really do much else...

Any way, thanks for your response.

Originally Posted by momo7

I used to try really hard to get her to see my point of view....I finally gave up....

Here's an example of what I have to deal with: I have a cousin..the child of one of her sisters who is a drug addict..to the point where she has put other's lives at risk to support her drug habit...my aunt lets her live at home w/ drug abuser BF and pretty much serves as thier enabler. I told my mother once that she should be glad that I didn't turn out like my cousin and she said to me, "Well....the way you live your life is still not what I wanted for you." My mother refuses to acknowledge any of her 8 grandchildren..they are not allowed to call her grandma or anythinhg related to that title...she has told them not to....she told my 15 year old that I had too many children that they were a burden on the rest of the family and that he could come live with her so he didn't have to be around all his brothers and sister. She ridicules my religion at every turn yet embraces other people's faith and everyone elses beliefs like it is the only thing that matters....every one else can do no wrong yet I am the embarassment of her life. She once told me to introduce my
self to some one she knew as a "friend".

So I told you THAT to tell you THIS: I choose to ignore it because some day I think she might have a change of heart...I am an only child so when it comes down to it, who is going to take care of her when she is really old and can't take care of herself? I will of course...because I love her and I want to take care of her.....She gave me life so I feel like its because of her, my own children live....

She has her own childhood baggage that she has to deal with, so I know the way she treats me has something to do with how she was treated in her own childhood...I really try to understand this.....sometimes I really, really hate her...alot. My husband tells me to pray for her....I try to...mostly I feel sorry for her.

She knows how I feel about these things....after she made the comment about having us having too many children to my son....we didn't talk for almost a year...and in that time she never made a point to say she was sorry or to even acknowlege she made a mistake.....nothing. And you know what? I ended up being the one who made peace. And she still hasn't said anything. Nothing is ever her fault...everyone else is the problem not her.

I have grown to reaally believe that I can cut her out of my life completely....but what will it serve? And in the end when she is dying and alone what will my revenge be? I don't want to deal with that. I don't want that on me. I want to be able to say I kept trying even if she didn't. I want a clean conscience about it all..no anger and no resentment (even if it is hard).

SO I don't know if this helps you or if I completely went off the map with this.......but in any case....do the best you can....and know that when you do it...your best is all that matters and you will never, ever be able to please the people who are impossible to please.

[MittensKittens]

Well, apparently I was too quick with my comments yesterday, because my mom just told me I should get my tubes tied!?!?! Then, she tried to wrap the comment in niceties, like "when I gave birth they offered to do it, which I think is great!" I managed to answer with "a great part of UC is that you don't get your privacy invaded like that."

[mrsfatty]

I don't know, she sounds pretty toxic...I'd take a step back from her and not spend as much time around her, if that's possible.

"I don't appreciate your criticisms of my parenting choices."
"That was disrespectful."
"That was mean."
"Is it your intention to hurt my feelings right now?"
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"It's inappropriate to comment on how many children you think we should have."
"I will choose to not be around you as much if you continue to choose to be hurtful."

I'd call her on EVERY offense with a simple sentence. The more a boundary ISN'T established with her (on what is appropriate or not) the more she'll hurt and frustrate you. It's perfectly acceptable to not want people (especially loved ones) degrade you all the time. Standing up for yourself and your family sets a great example for your kids.

[Super Glue Mommy]

in the exact scenario you described I would probably at the onset of a tantrum say "I'll talk to you later. (child's name) is having a a tantrum and my parenting services are in need!" This shows you are "taking care of it" and also gives you the ability to take care of it in the way you see fit without criticism.

I am unsure how often you see her in person, but if it happens in person you can say "I am taking care of this. You may feel he needs a time out, but one thing I am certain he doesn't need is someone undermining his mother's parenting. Please excuse me now, while I handle this tantrum in the way I see fit"

I can relate to what you are going through with your mother. She does sound toxic. In my experience, there is no way to help them "see it your way" and if you do they take it as a personal attack against how THEY parented. Often I find the only thing you can really say is "you did the best with what you knew when you were raising me, and I am doing the best with what I know while raising (childs name). Surely you can respect that, and if not I hope you can understand that my obligation at this time in my life is to my daughter and not to you, and I will have to do what is best for her, and that includes not subjecting her to people who call her bad, or people who undermine my parenting in her presence."

Anytime she tries to give advice that is being given in a judgemental way say to her "is there a non-judgmental way you can make that suggestion" and if its a suggestion you don't agree with say "That's one way of looking at it." and continue to do what you feel is right.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

Well, apparently I was too quick with my comments yesterday, because my mom just told me I should get my tubes tied!?!?! Then, she tried to wrap the comment in niceties, like "when I gave birth they offered to do it, which I think is great!" I managed to answer with "a great part of UC is that you don't get your privacy invaded like that."

What an awful thing for her to say! I am so sorry.

I agree with mrsfatty that you should start lessening contact with her if she can't keep from constantly criticizing, insulting, and hurting you. You can try calling her on it--in fact, you probably should--but if she's anything like other toxic people I know it will just add fuel to the fire.

Also, reading this really helped me, as did the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I'm sorry you're having to go through this kind of pain and confusion.

[MittensKittens]

Thank you for the link, peainthepod, that was a real eye opener. Sadly I think that peoples' advice to lessen contact may be a good one. I see her once a year - I live abroad - but we speak all the time.

[ernalala]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

Thank you for the link, peainthepod, that was a real eye opener. Sadly I think that peoples' advice to lessen contact may be a good one. I see her once a year - I live abroad - but we speak all the time.

I do no think that less contact is nescessarily bad for the relationship. Indeed, in your case, it may do some much needed healing. I have friends, really good friends in my other home country, and even when we are not in touch for months, it doesn't really matter cfr. the friendship. I may be in touch with my parents and sister weekly, but sometinmes just monthly, and that's not too much and it is just fine for all of us like this.
And if I think, despi,te the distance, that there might be a 'problem' regarding very different perspectives on (parenting) choices, I try my best to avoid or ignore the subjects. (Uhm F and my BIL again been 'inquiring about our youngest and pre-school, and even asking my 3y old directly through skype about 'going to school' - I just changed the subject, fast, and moved labtop away from ds :-). And whatever anyone else says on parenting matters, I try to follow my instincts and I make my kids feel they can be heard by me and do not need to care being pushed by others. If the 'offered' advice really is over the top (or repeated too often) to me, I may explode and speak my mind angrily, and that, as I recall, only happened once or twice (and when we had ppl as guests at home .

[bramblevine]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Another good technique is to smile sweetly and say "You got to make your mistakes, so now it's time for me to make mine."

I wish I had good advice for you. I myself, cut/limit contact with toxic people until the kids are older, and can have the situation explained to them. My 11 & 10 year old understand why their grandparents say the ridiculous things they do, and that it's a culture thing, and has nothing to do with how much the love their grandsons, which they do, very much. But my 3 year old, and needless to say, the baby, don't understand that. So I just fly by the seat of my pants, trying to shelter and expose when the timing seems appropriate.