My husband, daughter and I live right in between our home towns. Each is about an hour and half drive away. Over the years my family has become closer to my daughter and makes the trip to visit us more often each year. My parents have tried to adopt our parenting techniques - my Mom actually told me recently that she wishes she had had the ideas, books, and support I have because I'm doing a much better job with my daughter than she had done with my brother and I. My Dad drives to have at least one weekly visit, take care of my daughter, take us our to lunch, help us renovate our house, etc.
My in laws, however, have come to visit less and less. It's been a hard few years for them - health, time management, and family crisis makes it hard for them to take a day away -but at this point they don't even call us more than once a month. Even when we visit them they're busy, distant, and disengaged. When our child (all four grandparents' first grandchild) was born my father in law was so enamored of her his co-workers started to call him by his chosen grandfather name. She was his everything. He would talk about the day she's old enough for him to have her all on his own - an afternoon at the park, or full day sleepover. My mother in law was the first person I felt comfortable leaving our baby with. Now, however, there's so much tension. I know my mother in law is uncomfortable with the parenting choices we've made. She think we're to accommodating, to soft, and to protective. Our daughter is a highly communicative, bright and sensitive person. She does need a light touch. My mother in law seems to think I could parent this sensitivity out of her if I firmly told her only happy expression of emotions were allowed, and that she always had to do as I say without questioning authority. I've heard my father in law telling his wife to "let them work it out" when we were trying to negotiate one of my daughter's temper tantrums. It seems like they're both afraid of doing of saying the wrong thing - we've tried to share with them a few simple guidelines around gentle discipline (ie: pretend you're talking to a cherished co-worker who's upset over something important), but they're unwilling to learn a new set of skills. So they've withdrawn from us. When I met my husband he talk about how close and supportive his family is (seems to both of us now that was just the family line - in general talk seems more important than action to that group of people.) I'm sad for him. It feels like he's loosing his family.
I'm also sad for my daughter, who's missing out on a great relationship with wonderful loving grandparents, and for my in laws whose hopes and dreams around grand parenthood have seemed squashed under my idealism. At the same time I DO feel protective of my daughter around them. I dont want to leave her with them for more than an afternoon - I'm afraid their insensitivity will wear her out and further damage their relationship. Talking directly about he problem scares them away. Suggesting books is completely infective, even snobbish. Modeling our parenting choices got us into this mess. Inviting them to join our lives at our home doesn't work (they dont come).
And maybe I'm imagining it all. My husband and I have both certainly noticed the contrast between my family (who we used to assume were the scattered, inattentive ones) and his. Last time we visited my husbands parents my mother in law told me how nice it is to be so close an open with me - because she's having trouble connecting with her other daughter in law. Maybe I'm just expecting to much from them.
My in laws, however, have come to visit less and less. It's been a hard few years for them - health, time management, and family crisis makes it hard for them to take a day away -but at this point they don't even call us more than once a month. Even when we visit them they're busy, distant, and disengaged. When our child (all four grandparents' first grandchild) was born my father in law was so enamored of her his co-workers started to call him by his chosen grandfather name. She was his everything. He would talk about the day she's old enough for him to have her all on his own - an afternoon at the park, or full day sleepover. My mother in law was the first person I felt comfortable leaving our baby with. Now, however, there's so much tension. I know my mother in law is uncomfortable with the parenting choices we've made. She think we're to accommodating, to soft, and to protective. Our daughter is a highly communicative, bright and sensitive person. She does need a light touch. My mother in law seems to think I could parent this sensitivity out of her if I firmly told her only happy expression of emotions were allowed, and that she always had to do as I say without questioning authority. I've heard my father in law telling his wife to "let them work it out" when we were trying to negotiate one of my daughter's temper tantrums. It seems like they're both afraid of doing of saying the wrong thing - we've tried to share with them a few simple guidelines around gentle discipline (ie: pretend you're talking to a cherished co-worker who's upset over something important), but they're unwilling to learn a new set of skills. So they've withdrawn from us. When I met my husband he talk about how close and supportive his family is (seems to both of us now that was just the family line - in general talk seems more important than action to that group of people.) I'm sad for him. It feels like he's loosing his family.
I'm also sad for my daughter, who's missing out on a great relationship with wonderful loving grandparents, and for my in laws whose hopes and dreams around grand parenthood have seemed squashed under my idealism. At the same time I DO feel protective of my daughter around them. I dont want to leave her with them for more than an afternoon - I'm afraid their insensitivity will wear her out and further damage their relationship. Talking directly about he problem scares them away. Suggesting books is completely infective, even snobbish. Modeling our parenting choices got us into this mess. Inviting them to join our lives at our home doesn't work (they dont come).
And maybe I'm imagining it all. My husband and I have both certainly noticed the contrast between my family (who we used to assume were the scattered, inattentive ones) and his. Last time we visited my husbands parents my mother in law told me how nice it is to be so close an open with me - because she's having trouble connecting with her other daughter in law. Maybe I'm just expecting to much from them.
Maybe even jaw-droppingly arrogant, if you even indirectly made a prerequisite to being with their grandchild.
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