About Harnesses

[ChetMC]

I have an honest question about harnesses... spun off from the thread about walking with two kids.

We've never used a harness. We're certainly candidates for their use. We have three kids under the age of five. I don't drive, have to walk places with the kids, and I'm legally blind. The thing is though, I've worried about the harness allowing a child to do things they should be learning not to do. Sort of giving them license to not learn or to not be mindful of what they need to be doing.

When our middle DD couldn't handle certain situations we avoided them. When we told she couldn't do certain things, we backed it up. If she screamed or threw things in a store, we reminded her that you can't do those things in a store and we immediately left if she couldn't stop. If you can't walk safely, you need to go in the stroller, be worn or stay home.

So what I'm wondering is, if you use a harness, how does it work? How do kids learn to not wonder and walk safely. And especially if your kid likes it, how and when do you stop using it?

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

So what I'm wondering is, if you use a harness, how does it work? How do kids learn to not wonder and walk safely. And especially if your kid likes it, how and when do you stop using it?

So far, I've only used a harness with one of my children, dd. (I never needed one with ds1, and I somehow never really thought of it with ds2.) She also, for whatever reason, became traffic savvy and safety smart earlier than either of my boys.

I was still talking to dd and warning her about dangers, even though she was wearing a harness. She wore it, because I was post-op and couldn't chase her if she bolted. She was about 24 months old when we started using it (in advance of ds2 arriving), and 26 months old when ds2 arrived. The harness wasn't a replacement for teaching her about safety - it was a replacement for physically holding her hand and/or chasing her while she learned. The harness only gave her about two feet of "roaming" room, so it's not like she was hundreds of feet away from me and unsupervised. It was basically a "hand hold" that she couldn't just slip out of and run away.

She really liked it. When we realized that she didn't really need it, anymore - was getting more street savvy and I was more able, physically, to deal with her - I just stopped putting it on her every time we went out. If she asked for it, she could have it, but it wasn't a requirement. When we came home, I'd put it up so it was out of sight. As time went on, she kind of forgot about it. After a while, it reached a point where she'd just ask to "play puppy" about once every two months, and put in on in the house. She's completely forgotten about it now.

[StephandOwen]

We used one with ds when he was a bit younger. We still use it on occasion, but it's rare now. DS has autism and has no sense of danger and no impulse control. At 5 1/2 he can tell you he's not supposed to run into the road. He can tell you why he's not supposed to run into the road (though he'll just tell you with echolalia so it's not usually his own words). But he'll still run in the road without thinking twice about it.

I didn't use it to replace me or to replace teaching him about safety. I used it as back-up. I still held his hand when we were walking near roads, but if he managed to break out of my grip he wasn't in danger of getting hit by a car. He also used/uses a stroller often.

We stopped using it for most times around age 3 1/2 or 4. At that time it became a "if you can't hold on to mom's hand and walk safely we'll have to use the harness". I still keep the harness in my car in case ds is having a day where he can't safely stay with me.

DS was indifferent to it. He didn't not like it, he didn't hate it, but he didn't love it. It was a take it or leave it thing with him so I didn't have any issues of him wanting to wear it and me not wanting him to.

[ElleTwo]

re:harnesses

In thinking about harness use, one thing that occurred to me was that for those children who are very active and inclined to wander, you know the ones who's hand you must actively and very consciously grasp...every...single...second, or they will be off and running.

I would guess that hand holding for them is like when a short adult like me has to stand on the bus and hang onto to one of those straps that keep my arm up over my head as I wobble around, trying to compensate for the movment of the bus etc. I'm good for about five minutes of that LOL, after 10 my arm gets sore and I get a bit vexed. In that vein I think harnesses are just like any other gadget, used with care and consideration they help. At that certain age when a toddler doesn' have the skills yet to be consistently mindful, scenarios when strollers and wearing don't fit, another tool for the toolbox.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

I didn't use it to replace me or to replace teaching him about safety. I used it as back-up. I still held his hand when we were walking near roads, but if he managed to break out of my grip he wasn't in danger of getting hit by a car.

Yes. Exactly. We've used a harness with our kids on rare occassion. It's been a good half-year since we've used them, but I still have them.

Even when using them, I still totally keep up with the teaching and guiding thing, and when we use the harnesses, they often will still hold my hand, or alternatively hold onto the "monkey's tail" (they have monkey backpack harnesses, so essentially we'd both be holding the "leash" part).

The harness is so they don't have to hold my hand when it is needed but uncomfortable for them, if they want a little more room/freedom or want hands free but walking without holding hands isn't an option, if they want some extra "security" but also freedom at the same time (especially my dd seems to really relax when we put the harness on), or as a backup for safety issues (particularly important because both my kids have special needs that make a safety backup helpful).

I've only used it once because I wasn't 100% available to them, and they are none the worse for me not being available for instructions/guidance just that once. I'm sure there were a lot of folks judging me on that day, however.

Originally Posted by ElleTwo

In thinking about harness use, one thing that occurred to me was that for those children who are very active and inclined to wander, you know the ones who's hand you must actively and very consciously grasp...every...single...second, or they will be off and running.

I would guess that hand holding for them is like when a short adult like me has to stand on the bus and hang onto to one of those straps that keep my arm up over my head as I wobble around, trying to compensate for the movment of the bus etc. I'm good for about five minutes of that LOL, after 10 my arm gets sore and I get a bit vexed.

Yes, totally. I think folks who are down on harnesses often forget that hand-holding for a kid can get uncomfortable. Since some kids need more constant hand-holding, that is definitely an issue for them.

[HarperRose]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

So what I'm wondering is, if you use a harness, how does it work? How do kids learn to not wonder and walk safely. And especially if your kid likes it, how and when do you stop using it?

Hmm. I don't know if I understand your question completely.

The harness is in my hand. My voice still works so I told my kids whether something was acceptable and would remove them from the temptation, if necessary. Something like, "No, we don't touch/do X, let's go this way."

For me, it was a matter of keeping them within reach so they wouldn't bolt. The rules don't change just because they're wearing it.

[MCR]

We have a monkey backpack harness, Dd is 4 and we still use it occasionally I can't tell if she's going to have one of those days, usually I've driven to the store (45minutes away) when she decides she's going to have a day where she bolts and is not open to listening.
She still has to hold my hand when she wears the backpack, it isn't instead of. It's so when she slips out of my grasp while I'm paying or putting something in the cart, she doesn't disappear which she finds really funny to do.
I'm not sure if she is within normal range of development as she seems to have impulse control issues, she's quite tall for her age and I'm small so it looks like I'm hanging onto an older kid and get some pretty weird looks.

[phrogger]

I never used one with my boys, and should have with my step son, but didn't. With this baby though, i have every intention of using one if he is like my step son and not like my two older boys. My two would stay by my side or wanted me to hold them all.the.time. Infact my oldest took a while to walk because he was always in my arms. My second was very similar to my first. That was fine with me. However, like a pp said, my step son is autistic and had no concept of danger. He understands that he can't do things because there will be a consequence from ME, but can't grasp the idea that he could possibly be hit by a car. He only behaves at this point because he has had major consequences from me and he knows I mean business, however, there were some very risky moments and he was 4 when this started happening. I don't know how his father did it when he was 2.

So with my new baby, if he isn't one who wants to stay right next to me all the time, or in my arms, he will have a harness and I just hope that it wont really be used. Like it will be on my arm and he will listen and there will be consequences, but he wont get the chance to get hit by a car because he will be stuck to me with his harness.

[beatee]

I resisted getting a harness for a long time, whilst my mum and plenty of other people were trying to persuade me that I needed one. I thought it was a bit degrading and unecessary, and anyway, i was just going ot teach my daughter to hold my hand and learn about road safety....then DD gained in confidence and speed, and I realised that a one year old doesn't have the self control or understanding to be 100% safe by a road or in a crowd. My heart was constantly in my mouth and my nerves seriously on edge every time we walked somewhere (I don't drive, walk and take public transport everywhere, and have no choice but to walk by the side of many very very busy fast roads.) It was not beneficial to my mental health or her confidence to have me constantly terrified about her running into the path of an oncoming vehicle.

We bought her a little ladybug backpack that has a clip on 'leash' bit. Life has become far better, I am calmer when we go places. She loves her bag and insists on wearing it, so we don't have the issues I anticipated about 'forcing' her to wear it. I still insist on hand holding as often as I can, I still try to instil a healthy fear of cars (she seems far more fascinated than afraid of them, which is sort of worrying, but I'm not sure what we can do about that.) Being on a harness gives her a heck of a lot more freedom to learn to explore and be safe than being in the stroller or being worn. I would much much much rather be able to walk places with her with the back up of the harness than have to force her into the sling or buggy, neither of which she enjoys at all now she can walk far and fast. It is far less degrading than physically forcing her into a stroller or strapping her onto my back when she is lashing out against it and screaming, and I definitely feel that the harness is the best way to avoid this, whilst still gently reinforcing safety principles.

[mamarootoo]

we have one, but we don't use it much. when we do, it is and emergency backup-- all the normal rules still apply:
1. hand holding when mama decides it's necessary.
2. being carried when crossing busy streets or in parking lots.
3. going home if rules 1 and 2 are not followed!

we used ours at the airport when DD didn't want to be in the sling, and at the zoo several times when there were too many people for me to be able to see/catch DD if she bolted. that was what made me feel comfortable in those situations, without limiting DD too much.

i might use it more when DC2 comes along, but we'll see. DD is really easygoing when it comes to our walking rules, so the times i've used it were generally to keep my anxiety level down when in big crowds.

we take a 1.5 mile walk weekly down to the duck pond (she walks the whole way!) and the one time she had a temper tantrum about being picked up at the one busy street we cross was the one time we went home w/out seeing the ducks. i'm actually kind of glad that happened, because every time we come to that street now, DD says "up now mama!"

[Freefromitall]

The harness I had/have has a clip on both ends. I'd clip one end to dd (at the "ring") and one end to my belt loop. I held her hand like normal. It was a back up for those times when I needed two hands for something,(like adjusting stroller/carrier straps for ds) or for when she slipped my grip.
We haven't used it in a looooong time. Not since, I think, last spring? I was actually considering get it out again for ds. He wants to walk, not ride, but I have the two dogs, and dd on foot to keep track of. I think for the sake of my sanity, if I'm going to let him walk, I'm going to make him wear it. Just in case.

ETA: Ours is a harness type harness. Not a backpack one. So I probably got some looks
But not enough that I noticed, to be honest.

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
We used a harness with DD for about 6 months from 12-ish to 18-ish months. DD has nursemaid's elbow, which is when her forearm pops out of her elbow socket easily. We used the harness as a backup for handholding. If DD decided to bolt, I HAD to let go of her hand or risk easily and painfully popping her arm out of socket. We used the harness as the backup so I could drop her hand, not injure her, and still keep her safe. After a few months, she got used to not bolting, and I stopped using harness. I might bring it out again if we were going somewhere tempting for her and too busy for me to feel safe.
Overall, I think they are a tool and can be used properly and improperly..... depending up on the parent.
~maddymama

[lindberg99]

I've never used a harness but I don't think they are any different than a stroller or carrier. How would you answer someone who asked you the questions you ask? Doesn't a stroller keep children from learning to walk safely too? They aren't paying attention to cars backing out, etc. But you are, as you would be if your child was in a harness. If you have your child in a stroller or carrier, how does she learn not to wander and walk safely? If your child likes being in the stroller or carrier, how do you stop using it? I have used strollers, carriers, and wagons and as my kids matured, I stopped using them. It was just kind of a gradual thing. I'd think it would be the same with a harness.

Is there really a difference between a stroller or carrying your child and a harness?

[vegemamato]

we had one when my first was two.. I bought it because I was [essentially] on my own and we had to walk 2 blocks, across a busy road and through a crowded parking lot for groceries. I had no car, and our stroller was usually packed with bags on the way home (which was heavy) so I needed to have a 'third arm' for my daughter.

She loved it (though ours was a plain safety-first, not too fun) and it helped me to stay sane.. We didn't use it for anything else, and it was never used in place of safety rules, just used to help enforce them

[TinkerBelle]

What gets me is that some people assume that those of us who have used leashes/harnesses, do not bother to teach our children to walk with us, and not bolt, and whatever else you can imagine. That we are somehow bad parents. We are not as good as they are. Neener neener neener.

I used one for my middle son, who has Autism, and who was a bolter. That kid could practically wrench my arm out of the socket, he was so strong. He was a bit big for the stroller. So, as a backup device, I used a harness/leash. He loved it. He had some freedom, yet he could not get into as much trouble, had he not been on the harness/leash.

I am not ashamed of having used one and I don't really care who likes it or not.

[verde]

I used a harness with my DD and I think they're great!

First things first. The issue is not how to teach them to be safe; the issue is keeping them alive until they are old enough to learn how to be safe. Everyone I ever knew who used a harness used one when they had a child who would RUN into danger. When said child was old enough to control her/his impulses and not RUN into danger, then a parent can teach the child about safety.

Trust me on this. The first time you have a child who runs laughing into traffic or towards an escalator, you will instantly age about 50 years and then you will have a serious discussion with yourself about the use of a harness. The people whose kids don't run away just do not understand the complete terror a parent can feel when they have to chase that child and save her/him from certain death or, at minimum, potential maiming. Then you will look at that harness as a beautiful gift from the universe.

It's not an issue of degradation, it's an issue of saving lives.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

So what I'm wondering is, if you use a harness, how does it work? How do kids learn to not wonder and walk safely. And especially if your kid likes it, how and when do you stop using it?

They learn street safety by repetition and practice, just like kids without harnesses. But, more importantly, they GROW into the ability to remember these rules and the ability to have the impulse control to stop at the corner/driveway or when mom shouts "STOP!" Not every child needs them.

We used one for our ds when we were hiking and when we were at things like airports. We used one for dd when she was a new walker and we were at Yellowstone National Park and I had visions of her toppling into a hot springs. Both used them when they were at the "I want to walk, don't you dare put me in the stroller or carry me" stage -- so 12-18 months or so. The next summer, they didn't need them.

[waiting2bemommy]

I have the same issue with the harness...that it becomes a crutch for not teaaching good manners and safe behavior. i let ds walk without holding my hand quite frequently, even in the grocery store. People think i'm crazy, but he is well behaved, and he knows he will be worn or sit in the cart if he does not behave. i consider those places opporuntity to teach ds about acceptable behavior, in a safe environment where the worst that could happen is knocking over the ketchiup.

i reserve the harness for times like when i had to carry a dufel bag, suitcase, carseat stroller, backpack and ds through Penn Station, NY at 11:30 PM. I ended up waearing him anyway . But in potentialy dangerous situations I see the value of the harness. That ebing said, I don't even know where mine is, so that tells you how often I use it.....

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

I have the same issue with the harness...that it becomes a crutch for not teaaching good manners and safe behavior. i let ds walk without holding my hand quite frequently, even in the grocery store. People think i'm crazy, but he is well behaved, and he knows he will be worn or sit in the cart if he does not behave. i consider those places opporuntity to teach ds about acceptable behavior, in a safe environment where the worst that could happen is knocking over the ketchiup.

Before i had my son, i was good friends with a mom who had a toddler. They walked everywhere, and her daughter would walk right next to her, never bolting, never running into the street, rarely getting into any kind of trouble. One of our friends always had her son in a stroller, and the one time i saw him out of it, he immediately tried to run into the street. I thought this was "proof" that a child will learn to behave simply be being expected to behave, and that the use of the stroller caused the boy to not be able to deal with the street.

Then i had a child, and it turned out he was one of those boisterous boys who acted before thinking, was very active, and could bolt before you knew it. He probably spent three or more years sitting in store carts instead of walking beside me. He eventually developed enough self control that being contrained like that wasnt necessary (and now at 12 is perfectly fine walking in parking lots! )

If you have a child who "behaves" in public spaces and doesnt try to run away, it MAY have more to do with that child's personality than anything you're doing as a parent. Its easy to say "if he doesnt behave we leave"....until you actually have to get some shopping done. And some kids dont mind sitting in the cart, so its not much of a punishment/deterrent to say "if you dont behave you'll sit in the cart" yknow?

My son went to London w/ his father many years ago and to this day remembers being dragged around the city by his arm...its really not that comfortable to have your arm held up like that (his dad is very tall!) when you are little. A harness would have been much preferred!


Katherine

[PoppyMama]

I used one for my dd (18-27 months maybe) but I don't think I pulled it out more than once for my son. It wasn't a punishment/consequence it was just a tool so that she could get a little freedom and we could both be more relaxed. Ours gave her about 4-5 feet of roaming room and she still had to walk right next to me and usually hold my hand if we crossed the street. She still had to respect the things around her and we eventually just stopped using it...at the logical time I suppose I don't remember thinking about it much.