Being an only child - Page 3

[cotopaxi]

I am an only child. Loved it then and now. I feel I really benefitted from my parents' attention, and still do. I don't worry about being lonely in the distant future, because I am close with many of my childhood friends still, and forsee being in as close touch with them as I might a sibling when I'm "old," and hopefully with their kids too (along with my nieces from DH's side, not to mention my own children).

[Pookietooth]

I wasn't exactly an only child, but my brothers were six and eight 1/2 years old, so in a way, I was a lot like an only. I hated it. I begged my mom for a sibling, but with three she was already overwhelmed, and I think she wanted to go back to work. And she was already 40 when I was born, which was ancient back then. It didn't help that all my cousins lived far away, especially the two closest in age to me. Also, our neighborhood was mostly elderly and young singles, with the further complication that they introduced busing when I started elementary school, and all the locals except my parents pulled their kids from the local public school. I had a really hard time making friends with the bused in kids -- they hated my white skin, lack of Christianity, messy house, middle classness, etc. -- and the teachers were horrible too. Anyway, it really probably depends on the situation -- whether there are a lot of other kids around, and whether you make sure your kid gets lots of playdates. It can be done. There is a tribe of moms of onlies here if you want to join.

[Pookietooth]

Originally Posted by AislinCarys

I hear you. I'm in the same situation, same reason. DD is now 1 and life is easier (I now cope with life in general, though I'm still not cooking... or sewing... or exercising... ), but DH is still absolutely certain, no more. I have come to thinking that I MIGHT cope in 5- 10 years time. DD is still likely to be an only child.

DH was dead set against another one until ds was 3 or so, so it can change.

[Sailor]

I'm an only child, and we're also planning for only one child.

I absolutely LOVED being the only child. I had a friend who had two siblings, and every time I came home from her house, I told my mom "don't have any more kids!" My mom had all the time in the world for me. I didn't have to share her. I didn't have to share my grandparents. I didn't have to share my aunt (who also had no kids). As a result, I had the best life growing up. Trips around the world everywhere, adults who had plenty of time for me, adults who played with me, etc.

I had peers at school - I didn't need them at home!

I still love being an only child. I still don't have to share my mom or grandparents. I get them anytime I want - all the holidays, all the birthdays, and any other time I just want to see them. I never hear "oh, no we're visiting your sister/brother that week."

Anyway, that's my experience. It will depend on the kid. I know some only kids who said they were lonely. But, I definitely wasn't. I loved, loved having my family all to myself.

I personally can't handle parenting more than one. Which is why we're doing the only child bit as well. I'd love a child - but JUST ONE! lol I don't think this is wrong or selfish. I just think it's realistically understanding your boundaries and ability to be happy. Some people can do more. I can't.

Re: loneliness in the distant future. Eh, I don't worry about it. I enjoy spending time alone. And, since I will be having a child, maybe she'll take me in for the holidays when she's an adult. I plan to be the 80 year old woman who still travels the world everywhere.

[Krystal323]

i'm an only child of only children my best friend growing up was the 3rd of 5 children. i always felt sorry for her--having to share a room and beg for mama's attention or a word in edgewise...

i loooved being an only. granted i was spoiled, and my parents were way over-protective of me, but other than those things, i've never been sad about it.

[dubfam]

I am an only child. I have not read the thread, but I felt like I was missing out on something.

I also wonder if I gained more from my parents, though, being an only child. The grass is always greener on the other side...

I have 2 kids now, and it is a bit overwhelming at times.

[BunniMummi]

Originally Posted by Sailor

Re: loneliness in the distant future. Eh, I don't worry about it. I enjoy spending time alone. And, since I will be having a child, maybe she'll take me in for the holidays when she's an adult. I plan to be the 80 year old woman who still travels the world everywhere.

I just want to clarify a little, it's not about being lonely for me. I have my husband, I have friends, I have my kids. I don't have any illusions about needing siblings to have someone to go shopping with or stuff like that (I've seen how you can have a whole family around you and still be lonely when relationships are soured). It's really not about wishing I had a playmate, then, now, or in the future.

Short of having a friend that literally lived with you and experienced over many years your parents as parents (and not just "they were like second parents to me") only children are the sole witnesses to their family life and that means one viewpoint into a very complicated and dynamic phase of your life. Here is hopefully a better example of what I mean.

My mother is one of five kids and there was a huge age range. When they talk about things that happened while they were growing up she learns about aspects of what was going on that she never knew about before. As the youngest for a long time her oldest sisters often had a more complete understanding of things that happened while they were young. Likewise her brother is 12 years younger and again had a very different view of what her parents were like and went through once his sisters were older and leaving home. This happens while they are getting along and chatting happily, and perhaps even more often when they aren't getting along and are bringing up more difficult times.

Even when the ages are closer there are still differences in how our kids experience us because they are different people are we are different with them. There are things I share with DS1 that I might not with DS2 because it's just not his thing (and the other way around). When I am gone they will have each other to share their viewpoints and experiences with and both with have a more complete understanding of their childhood and their parents because of it.

Think about what happens when you get together with old friends and talk about your lives growing up. Your memories enrich, strengthen and refresh each others. That (but in regards to my immediate family) is what I will miss when my parents are gone.

I did not have a bad childhood because I am an only, I am not a lonely adult because of it. I have no social problems that I think having a sibling would have solved and there were a lot of great things about not having to share my parents with a peer growing up, it certainly made things simpler in many ways.

[battymama]

I'm an only, well kind of my father has a second family who i rarely see, and i never knew about my brother until he was 7. I think it has its good points and bad points, but i dont want an only, i hate pregnancy and i love just having her, and she is an easy baby, but for her sake i will have another (hopefully) but i will wait a few years. I was terribly lonely as a child, but my experience is a bit a typical, i just wish i had someone to ring and chat to ya know? My dh has 2 brothers and a siser and they anoy the hell out of each other, but they are always there in an instant when the other needs them.

I wish i had that, i only have my mum, and i dont know what i am going to do as she gets older.

[soccermama]

I remember when my parents got married (my father is not my biological father, he adopted me at a young age), they asked if I would like to have a little brother or sister. I shrieked with a "NO" and they were cool with that. I was 7. Once I got older, went to high school, college, etc., Even when I got married, I really wished that I had a brother or sister to stand up there with me, to share that moment with, to share the birth our DS, etc.,. There are times where I still wish that and I'm almost 32. But my BIL is the closest I'll ever come to a brother and he's fantastic! I don't call him my BIL, per se, but more my brother and he calls me his "sis". Tearing up just typing this.....

Anyhow, DS is 3 and we would like to have one more in our family. H and I have always wanted to have two children. There are times when I question myself if I will have enough time, energy, and especially, love for a 2nd one, but I think as with our DS, things will come naturally to us. We never grew up around babies, had no clue what to do when DS was born. Didn't go crazy reading books, we just did what came natural to us and I think that will be the same feeling for when we have our 2nd child.

[aspenleaves]

just my two cents

I have an only child, she is 4. I am a sibling who grew up with 3 other brother and sisters, and I have of coarse witnessed lots of families with both onlies and larger families. It is my humble opinion that it is soooo much better for EVERYONE involved if only one child is in a family. That is not to say no one should have more than one child, but I think that at least 4 or 5 years should seperate the children and actually ideally 7 years.

You will be doing your child a great service by not having any more.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

aspenleaves, I have to say that I find your post extremely offensive. By having so many kids I did them all a disservice? No. Our family would've been miserable if we'd only had one child. And my kids LOVE their siblings.

My best friend is an only child, and he was incredibly lonely growing up. He wanted a sibling more than anything in the world. His mother couldn't afford activities and he had a hard time making friends in school. The loneliness really left scars. He still struggles with close relationships.

I have another friend who's an only child. She reminds me of my best friend in her relationship difficulties, but she's also spoiled on top of it. She hasn't the slightest clue how to share and also lacks empathy. She describes her childhood as somewhat lonely, but not as bad as my best friend's childhood because she constantly had adults doting on her. And now that she's an adult, she still expects to be doted on.

Both my partners and I had isolated childhoods, but they had each other (they're brothers) and I had my sister. Having someone in our home to share the difficulties with made all the difference in the world to us. Even though my sister and I are now estranged (she's mentally ill), I don't know how I would have survived my childhood without her and hope we can be sisters again someday.

This is a conversation I had with my best friend when I was pregnant with Beth:
Best friend: So, you're going to have more kids after this one, right?
Me: Absolutely! We want lots of kids.
Best friend: Good. Being an only child isn't a fate I would wish on anyone.

If the parents are really caring, make sure they don't spoil the child, and make sure the child has lots of friends, I guess an only child could be happy, but that hasn't been the case for any of the onlys I know in real life.

[Keeta]

Originally Posted by TwinsTwicePlusTwo

aspenleaves, I have to say that I find your post extremely offensive. By having so many kids I did them all a disservice? No. Our family would've been miserable if we'd only had one child. And my kids LOVE their siblings.

Not aspenleaves, but you're really offended by someone else's personal opinion? I mean, her post was titled "Just My Two Cents". Every single person on this thread has been relating their personal experience, and how that would affect their own personal views on having children. I guess it just seems really odd to me that you would decide to be offended by someone's honest experience.

Every single poster on here has a different story about onlies: whether they were one or knew one, how it was great or horrible. Taking a look at it, it's clear to me that there is an extremely wide range of experiences that can come along with being an only, just like there is with being from a family with siblings. I kind of understood this thread to be a nice big overview of how very little control we have over family dynamics. We can try to plan and hope for a certain type of family, but everyone has their own personality and how that personality interacts with others' in the family is such a roll of the dice. We work with what we want and what we have. There is no one right answer for every person, ever.

[Super Glue Mommy]

i was an only child until I was 12. I wish my mom had given me my sister sooner - but my mom was evil (lol) maybe if she wasnt I wouldnt "need" my sister. MY sister is 13 right now, and I know she needs me because coping with my mother for a mom is very hard without someone who doesnt understand. can't say how I would feel if my mom had been different.

[charleysmama23]

I didn't read any responses, but I'm going to very quietly and NON-pushily say that you should just embrace your decision not to have more children for now...and be aware in the back of your mind that you might change your mind when your lo is older and not so high-maintenance. Obviously I don't know your details, sounds like you had a rough pregnancy and I don't know if high maintenance means medically fragile or just high needs, but I wouldn't stress about it right now or feel guilty. You may change your mind when your lo is 4, and if you don't, I'm sure it will be because it's the best thing for your family.

[SiobhanAoife]

I have a brother. I'd like to chime in as a "siblings aren't everything" vote It's not that I don't love my brother, I do - it's just, we have nothing in common, we're not close, I talk to one of my cousins a lot more... I mean, I don't wish that my brother were dead or had never been born or anything awful like that, but growing up, I spent my time playing with my best friend, a girl in the neighborhood, not with my brother. And now that we're adults, we're cordial and all, but if we weren't related, we'd just not know eachother. Having a second child so that your first can have a superduperbestfriend is a crapshoot - you may end up with two kids who don't get along, or who just are distant, and that's fine, too.

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

Originally Posted by Keeta

Not aspenleaves, but you're really offended by someone else's personal opinion? I mean, her post was titled "Just My Two Cents". Every single person on this thread has been relating their personal experience, and how that would affect their own personal views on having children. I guess it just seems really odd to me that you would decide to be offended by someone's honest experience.

I wouldn't have been offended by aspenleaves post if she had just offered her personal experiences, the same way I wasn't offended by any of the other posts by people who enjoyed being only children or wished they had been only children. However, I felt her post was saying that it's better for EVERYONE to have only children.

"It is my humble opinion that it is soooo much better for EVERYONE involved if only one child is in a family. That is not to say no one should have more than one child, but I think that at least 4 or 5 years should seperate the children and actually ideally 7 years.

You will be doing your child a great service by not having any more."

How can she possibly know any of these things for another family, particularly the bolded parts? I'll admit that I'm a little sensitive on these issues, from a combination of already taking a lot of crap for having such a large family and seeing my best friend suffer from the loneliness of being an only. But I still think aspenleaves went far beyond stating personal experiences and made blanket statements.

It's actually my personal opinion that having an only child does them a great disservice. But I didn't put that into my initial post because it's an irrelevant personal opinion which I knew would come off as offensive to those who have chosen to have only children. But since such gross generalizations are apparently not offensive, I'll go ahead and say it.

[NicaG]

Embrace your decision. If you only want one, that's ok. You have no way of knowing what another pregnancy will bring. Twins? Special needs? Siblings who won't talk to one another in adulthood? Things don't always work out according to plans. If you think you can only handle one child, that's really ok. I have a younger brother (8 yrs younger) who is autistic. I love my brother very much, but it's not like my parents provided me with a friend, playmate, support system in adulthood, etc. Instead, I will have to take care of my parents alone in their old age, and I will have to be responsible for my brother when they're gone as well. Sometimes I feel very alone, more alone than if I were an only child.

[SweetPotato]

One thing that my mom said to me (on one of the many occasions that I was waffling out loud about this decision myself) is that you don't have a child for anyone else- you have a child because YOU want to. This resonated with me. I'm the second child in my family- and I am my own individual person, with my own life. My parents chose to have me because THEY wanted ME-- I was not a gift for my older sibling-- I am a person who was wanted for myself.

I truly believe that my dd will turn out fine whether we have another child or not-- she is her own person and we are deliberate in our parenting choices and in the relationship that we are fostering with her. I will not have another child until/unless I feel that I truly want to love and parent another child-- embracing that individual, with any special needs, personality quirks, etc.-- regardless of what sort of relationship that new child child would have with my older.

[bdoody11]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

One thing that my mom said to me (on one of the many occasions that I was waffling out loud about this decision myself) is that you don't have a child for anyone else- you have a child because YOU want to. This resonated with me. I'm the second child in my family- and I am my own individual person, with my own life. My parents chose to have me because THEY wanted ME-- I was not a gift for my older sibling-- I am a person who was wanted for myself.

I am an only who would have liked siblings, but that is not why DH and I are having another baby! We are doing it because we want more children. Period. Am I happy DD will have a sibling? Absolutely. Does this mean they will be life-long best friends? No, but at least they have a chance. I found being an only to be lonely and I really long for the kind of (good) relationships I see my DH and friends having with their siblings. I want DD to have someone to call and say, "OMG! Mom is being crazy!" and for that person to know exactly what she's talking about.

Just make the choices you feel are best for you and your family. To the OP, FWIW, my pregnancy was pretty easy, but my DD is high-needs so I understand your ambivilance. Just keep re-evaluating as your DD gets older and don't do anything permanent until you're really sure.

[earthgirl]

I'm an only raising an only. I never wished for siblings.