Does anyone else get sick of the mommy contest?

[tinyblackdot]

Sometime i feel like there is this mom contest. I dont know.....maybe i m just really sensitive....and maybe this belongs in the "mental health" forum....but i am just about at my wits end of not being able to be honest, or having to explain my choices or decisions for my child. It happens everywhere! IRL, and on just about every forum i have been on. And i just hate it! Shouldn't we all be supporting each other, and not makeing eachother feel bad? I mean we are all on here or friends irl because we all have somewhat of the same views on parenting or life....some more relaxed some more extream, but you would think that we would be able to come together and support one another.....i dont know....maybe im PMSing. :

[J's Mombee]

I know what you mean, and it is hard to deal with, especially when you are trying your best to be the best parent that you can be.

Someone once told me that some parents become competitive because of their own insecurities. Kind of like: well if I am doing it better than that parent, then I must be okay. Its sad, because in the process, other people get stepped on, but whenever I see parents like this, I just say that I hope that they know that they are doing the best that they can & that they don't have to try so hard (to impress the other parents in the room).

To constantly have to work at being better than every other parent in the room would drive me crazy... never any time to relax, enjoy the moment, or enjoy time with DC.

Just hang in there, and if you pray, say a prayer for a parent that might have made you feel like they were being competitive. Some people are just competitive by nature... and some folks are overcompensating...

Just my thoughts... hang in there, and you are doing a great job mom.

[KimberlyD0]

I too know what you mean. Sometimes it is very over wealming. I used to get very overwealmed when I fist had DD#1. I just felt exhosted trying to make everyone happy, or be as good as everyone else.

Its not as bad with DD#2 because I have figured out how to get away from it a little. But its hard.

I think we are all the best mommy's we can be and we should celebrate that

[AislinCarys]

I think most mums are just insecure. They want to be the best parents possible to their child, and they have to convince themselves that they are doing ok. I know I do. Unfortunately that results in us comparing our children and how we bring them up.

"My baby crawls now, is yours crawling yet?" "I must be feeding him enough!" (said with a laugh about a porky baby, to me, who've had supply issues, and with a very petite DD ) "I couldn't forgive myself if she got sick. How can you not immunize your sweet little one?" "He's so advanced, we already started solids!"

[sewchris2642]

Never played; never been interested in making converts. I've never defended or explained my parenting decisions to anyone beyond a brief "I like cloth diapers", "I love homeschooling; we'll stop when they want to go to school", "I enjoy making baby food and it's no trouble", etc. My decisions were ultimately all for my convenience. Even when it came to Erica and Dylan. The decisions I made for her and Dylan made it easier for me as well in their best interest. My decisions on diapering, feeding (breast/formula), where they sleep, how they get their education, etc. were made for my family. Other families made those decisions for their families. And both of us have made the best decisions (for each of our families).

[sewchris2642]

"My baby crawls now, is yours crawling yet?" "I must be feeding him enough!" (said with a laugh about a porky baby, to me, who've had supply issues, and with a very petite DD ) "I couldn't forgive myself if she got sick. How can you not immunize your sweet little one?" "He's so advanced, we already started solids!"

Now that game I couldn't ever play. Although all of mine walked by 10 months and were self feeding table food, they didn't have teeth until closer to a year. And while Erica slept all night (5+ hurs a night), Dylan didn't until he was 2 and I had to encourage that. And there will always be something that the other baby is doing first/last/different than your baby. It's a waste of energy to play. If you just can't bite your tougue, say "that's great! How is he doing at (whatever your child is doing better than that child)?"

[BarnMomma]

THis kind of thing really resonates with me. I'm a horrible perfectionist and very competitive...mostly with myself. Once I know the standard or the bar, I HAVE to meet or exceed it. One can see how this can get you in trouble when it comes to your kids.

Because of this, I DO NOT read milestones charts or those "what your baby should be doing now" type newletters some other sites send out.

IRL I have been told DS has done somethings ahead of schedule but I also know he has done other things behind schedule. I just ignore it. I don't play the "how old is your child?" game when I meet parents to compare/contrast height/weight/motor skills/verbal ability.

But then I have the people who just offer up the info about what their DC has done recently and I wish I could just mute them. I don't really want to know sometimes.

And again, why the race???? Sometimes I wish only the peds knew what and what our kids should be doing so us moms could relax and not feel pressured to compare.

[Biscuits & Gravy]

I've witnessed it a ton but I refuse to be part of it. Not worth my energy.

[soccermama]

I see it all of the time. I've been reeled in to it before and it got me so frustrated and second guessing myself, that I had to break away. So not worth time and energy. My family is MUCH more important.

[Daphneduck]

Just not worth participating in. It used to really be hard for me to ignore this kind of thing. I've only known two people IRL that have tried to engage me this way and they are insecure across the board. They are inappropriately competitive in every situation, they just use whatever vehicle is available to them at the moment. At heart they are both kind, capable women, but for whatever reason they want everyone to acknowledge that their way is best. I think that in order to feel capable, some mothers have to try to make other mothers look incapable. I just try to remember my own moments of insecurity (there are plenty of them) when I am dealing with them and it helps me to treat them kindly. I've never met anyone that was secure in what they were doing, yet still felt the need to be condescending and belittling. I do what pp does, offer a little prayer that they can recognize their own capabilities and feel better about themselves.

[ChetMC]

Some Thoughts

I think this is mostly an issue with first time moms, or it's significantly more pronounced with first time moms at least. I also think it goes both ways. Some moms are legitimately braggy and competitive. Other moms hear competition in innocent comments... any conversation about crawling, sitting or solids sounds like comparing babies to see whose the winner.

[Shera971]

Hmm, maybe I'm in the minority b/c I don't think I've really ever encountered mommy competitivness. *shrug* Sure, the mommies I know like to talk about their kids and what they're doing but to me that's all they're doing. Parents like to talk about their kids. I've never had a mom say to be "I can't BELIEVE your son isn't *whatever* yet!" And if they did, I'll use what I overheard another mommy say once "Well, I never saw a 20 year old not be able to do *insert whatever* before, so I'm not worried" LOL

[SquishyKitty]

I see it more online than I do IRL. It sometimes seems like a competition to outdo each other. Even on sites like this I've seen it. I think it's mostly insecurity, or wanting to present a different image online than you do IRL.

It gets tiresome, I agree. I think it's human nature though. And sometimes parents are just so proud of their babies and their accomplishments, they can't help but brag. I've been guilty of that before.

[Amys1st]

Well I have another theory. I dont think its "other moms". I think this is just how women behave. I am not agreeing, but just pointing this out. The same woman who says how she only feeds Johnny ORGANIC snacks as you hand your child the sun maid raisons or gasp kool aid is the same girl who in high school said her cartwheel was so much better than yours or her designer bag was so much more money. Get it? She also didnt gain an ounce when pregnt, had her flat tummy back the next day.....

I cannot remember the last time I havent heard some woman leaving a something whether it was her old job or the bunco group because she didnt need the drama anymore from the women around her. I remember last fall during cheering for my dd. The league is for football and cheerleading and of course run by volunteers. Plenty of drama on the cheer side. I was remarking about the drama to my friend (her son in the football) and she said- before going further, you have to remember you ARE dealing with women.

[SunshineJ]

In that way I was lucky when DS was born. I was at home and DH worked, taking the only car we had, so we really had no way to join any mom's groups or anything. We had recently moved, so I also didn't have a lot of friends around yet; those I did either had much older children or were childfree and as clueless about milestones as I was. Looking back it was probably for the best, DS was and is a strong self motivator and gifted, so an innocent comment or answer from me could've really gotten something started with the wrong person. (I don't get it, all kids have unique talents and gifts and just because my kid walked before yours doesn't make mine better or your's "behind".) I did encounter it online some, to the point where I was called a liar on occasion. At that point I recognized what was going on and disengaged from the whole game. It's just not worth it. *I* know that I'm doing the best I can for my family, no one else's opinion on that really matters now.

[Snuzzmom]

The stakes with raising children are so high that it can be really hard for parents (especially new parents) to hear about people they respect making different parenting choices. If they are doing X and I am doing Y, who is right and who is wrong? SURELY there must be a Right and a Wrong! OMG!! I am damaging my kid forever!! It's hard to get past that, so some parents go the other way and go all out defending their choices, even when they don't even mean to or realize they're doing it.

We're all looking for confirmation that what we're doing is "right." There are no do-overs and it's hard to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes.

Obviously being supportive of one other is ideal, but as someone pointed out, there are parents who take *any* discussion of parenting as criticism/ comparison and you don't always know who those parents are until you've crossed some line with them.

It's hard. Just try to be sensitive to other parents, and try to see their negative or unwanted comments as a reflection of their insecurites*, not your wrongdoing.

* I'm not using the word insecurites here as an insult. We ALL have them, we just all have them about different things.

[journeymom]

I have felt that way, especially when I was a new mom. But my oldest is 14 years old, and there came a point when I noticed no one was actually challenging my parenting decisions, it was all self-imposed. My anxiety and my high expectations for myself fed it. I also might be a little oblivious.

People who offer up information about what their kids have done recently might be competing, or they might not. I know that when I share my kids' milestones with friends it's simply because I like talking about my kids. Sometimes I share worrying things, sometimes I share stuff I'm proud of or just simply amazed about. Just the wonder of growing children.

There is one thing that touches my insecure mom raw nerve, here at MDC, and that's when moms share that their kids started reading when they were like, three years old, and reading chapter books in pre-school and their fourth graders are reading the Iliad. Frankly, I didn't believe it at first.

[jeteaa]

I would hope that moms are like this becasue they honestly want the best for their DC. And even 2 kids later, I KNOW I don't KNOW it all...... bust I don know some.... I think that more insecure moms might tend to read too much into what other moms say.

[momtokea]

It gets a bit easier as the kids get older. When someone tells me about how wonderful their child is doing I try to respond very positively.
"That's wonderful!" "Congratulations!" "What a smart guy!"
Sometimes it just my own insecurities that make me feel bad, so I try to keep that in check.

[rainbowmoon]

I refuse to participate and usually distance myself from people like this. Just not worth my time!