Helping my daughter with the loss of her twin(in utero).

[rere]

So let me start by saying that it was my daughter who made me realize she had a twin.

I tested positive really early,I had extreme morning sickness and I measured big for conception dates.My midwife though it was very possible that I was carrying twins.For my midwife to legally attend my home birth I had to report to her back up Dr.(not a Dr.she actually recommends just someone she uses for paper work) at least once during my pregnancy.She suggested I might want to see him for an ultrasound to see if it was in fact twins but that waiting till later in the pregnancy(when there was more to see)might be a good idea.In the mean time I had some cramping and spotting and after that is when I started to measure closer to my conception dates.I went for the ultrasound and there was what the Dr. called "tissue"in my uterus.It never in a million years would occur to me that a Dr. wouldn't tell someone they had lost a baby.

So when my daughter was about 2 she kept talking about her sister.Ok she has an imaginary sister.But she was obssesive about it.So one day I casually told her that she didn't actually have a sister to which she replied"yes,I do but she died."So we talked about how that made her feel and that it was very sad and so on.Only when I was reflecting back on it did I put it all together and realize that she had a twin.

My daughter is 4 now and she still talks about her sister on a regualar basis.Since then we talked about how there was a baby in there with her and she understands the whole process of what happened.And I told her that sometimes it makes me sad when I think about it.But I just wonder if there is something else I should be doing.I don't think it helps the situation that no one else really takes me serious.

Does anyone have experience with a surviving twin?

[kblackstone444]

My story is very similar to your daughter's. My twin sister died in utero and nobody bothered to tell my Mother. I always told my Mother I had a "sister who looks just like me", but nobody believed me. When I was 11 or 12, I'd become so annoying about it, that my Mother actually tracked down all the papers from my birth and sure enough, there was "dead fetal tissue" and an "abnormal afterbirth" listed. It was very important that my sister have a name and that I was able to (allowed to) talk about her, something that didn't happen until much later. I think you're doing wonderful with helping your daughter with her twin, doing all the right things.

I don't know if you're religious or not, but I've always believed that my twin sister was watching over me, in a way, be it as an extra guardian angel, or in more of a (nice) haunting.

[rere]

Oh thank you so much for sharing that with me.It made me feel a whole lot better.

I'm so glad I listened to her and I'm glad for you that your mother tracked down that information.I just can't understand why a Dr. wouldn't tell a woman the truth.I wish I could have dealt with it at the time and for my daughter I wish that everyone would know it as fact.She had a twin.Hopefully if she chooses to talk to anyone else about it they will listen openly.

[Porcelain Interior]

My twin brother was stillborn. I always knew I have a twin, but in my case I believe at some point (before I was verbal) I heard people talking about it.

People often under estimate the awareness of children, and I think at some point I must have heard conversations about it, because the first time my mom did actually tell me personally about my twin I can remember the information from before she told me.

I do believe I overheard the details at various points in my toddler years.

No one named him, I named him. I also believe I know what he would have looked like based on my own intuition. I've never really talked to anyone about it, but my entire childhood I felt abandoned and afraid to be alone.

I've also had since very early ages a fear of death, and a sense of fragility to life. I think this is because of the twin loss.

[rere]

Porcelain Interior,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.My daughter also doesn't like to be alone and is always worried about people being lonely.It hadn't occurred to me that it was connected to the loss.It is definitely something I will keep in mind.

We've asked her many times what her sister's name is but it changes a lot.I think I "know" her name but I'm open to my daughter giving her a name if she wants to so I keep it to myself.Maybe I should share my idea with her?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I've never really talked to anyone about it, but my entire childhood I felt abandoned and afraid to be alone.

It's interesting that you said that. I've had similar feelings all my childhood and my biggest fears have always been being left alone (permanently), loosing someone close to me, and feelings of abandonment. My enitre life has felt like I've been "looking for my family", though God knows I have a big enough family as it is. Make any sense?

[pink gal]

I, too lost a twin in utero. My 4 yo DD has not brought it up, but she has an older sister that I think fills a lot of that need for her.

I have a friend who was in her 40's when her mother casually mentioned that she had had a twin who died in utero. She said at that moment she finally understood the intense longing she has always felt for a sister. She really needed to grieve for the sister she didn't get to know.

A friend who lost a twin late in pragnancy due to a cord accident said her surviving son is very drawn to twins and always wants to make friends with kids who are twins.

I have wondered a lot about when and how to talk to our 4 yo about her twin. That baby died at 12 weeks. We had seen the baby on an ultrasound at 8 weeks and then only a sac with some "tissue" at 12 weeks. We were not able to find out the baby's gender, but in my heart I have always thought it was a boy, and with my other pregnancies my intuition was correct. I've never read anything on this topic, but would love guuidance about talking to kids about the sibling they didn't get to know outside the womb.

[rere]

Pink gal,

Thanks for sharing!

I haven't read anything either.I tried looking around on line for some resources but didn't come up with much.

I'm trying to remember exactly how we first talked about it but I don't remember how it came up(I think it was after we met the twin babies that we were going to take care of).I just remember that I casually told her that there was another baby in my belly when she was in my belly.She was very interested so I continued.I told her that the baby stopped growing when it was still very small.And explained to her that it dissolved and maybe our bodies absorbed it.She is all about science so really liked the explanation of what physically took place.She told me she thought it was sad and I told her that it made me sad and that sometimes I really miss that baby.And even though we talked about it being sad the conversation really wasn't "heavy" and she was very accepting of the whole thing.

I am really glad that we've already talked about it and it will just be something she has known her whole life instead of something she has to "find out" later in life.

I'm not sure what else to do.I thought about asking her if we should name the baby but I don't know if I should bring it up to her or just wait for the next time she wants to talk about her twin(she brings it up every once in a while).

I would really like some resources to share with my husband.I don't think he thinks it's a big deal.And although I don't think it has to be some big kind of cloud hanging over us I would like my daughter to be able to talk to him about it.I know he wouldn't turn down a conversation with her but I also don't think he'd ever approach her about it.Mainly because he wouldn't know what to say or why he should say it.If that makes any sense.

[pink gal]

This thread has really got me thinking. Rere what a great story of your conversation with your DD about her twin. I love how you explained it in very kid friendly terms, but without patronizing. I think I will borrow your explaination. Thanks you so much for posting that!

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

It's amazing how well you're describing my best friend. His twin brother was still-born. He definitely struggled with feelings of loneliness and searching for family. He also has surrounded himself with more sets of twins than I can count. His mother did tell him about his twin, but then basically said he was not to talk about it anymore (I guess because it was too painful for her to talk about). He was very confused and ashamed about the feelings of grief and loss he had for a twin he'd never known outside the womb. He said he didn't really start to deal with his feelings until he told my partners (twin brothers) about his lost twin, and they validated his feelings of loss and grief. So my advice would be not to minimize the loss because your daughter never got to know her twin outside the womb.

[rere]

Originally Posted by pink gal

This thread has really got me thinking. Rere what a great story of your conversation with your DD about her twin. I love how you explained it in very kid friendly terms, but without patronizing. I think I will borrow your explaination. Thanks you so much for posting that!

Thank you.And I hope you find the tools you need.I know I'm still searching...

Originally Posted by TwinsTwicePlusTwo

It's amazing how well you're describing my best friend. His twin brother was still-born. He definitely struggled with feelings of loneliness and searching for family. He also has surrounded himself with more sets of twins than I can count. His mother did tell him about his twin, but then basically said he was not to talk about it anymore (I guess because it was too painful for her to talk about). He was very confused and ashamed about the feelings of grief and loss he had for a twin he'd never known outside the womb. He said he didn't really start to deal with his feelings until he told my partners (twin brothers) about his lost twin, and they validated his feelings of loss and grief. So my advice would be not to minimize the loss because your daughter never got to know her twin outside the womb.

I feel like I'm struggling to find a balance between not minimizing her feelings and not creating a situation of grief that may not be there.So far I'm just following her lead.But I wonder if at some point I should do something a little more proactive?

[avent]

My son had something similar going on. Without going into all the details, here's what we did on the advice of his osteopath, who could sense his lost triplet energy:

(Before we did the below, he was obsessed with the number 3. Everything had to be in 3s.)

We have a rosebush in our yard that we always called his rosebush because it bloomed on the day he was born. On Mother's Day (coming soon!) we took him to a nursery and he picked out two more rosebushes. He helped plant them around the current bush. Even though he was barely 2 yo at the time, I told him very clearly that we understood about the others and that the rose bushes were there to represent all 3. We acknowledged his loss. From that day forward he completely let go of the "3" thing.

Maybe a similar exercise would help?

[homewithtwinsmama]

We lost a twin a few hours after birth. We have never hid this fact from her, but don't dwell on it. She however brings her up every few months and we talk about what happened and where her sister is now. She will say that she misses her and wishes she was here and we agree and say how happy mommy and daddy are that she stayed with us because we were so sad her sister could not. My mother is creeped out by it, but everything I have read about identical twins is that they feel the loss whether they were told about it or not and its less confusing if you don't hide it from them.

Just want to add that we occasionally look at the one picture we have of the two of them together after birth and sometimes we get the blanket her twin was wrapped in and she hugs it. I try to take her lead, although I say I have six children and if someone asks if my other set of twins are twins, I say that she is also a twin. She gets upset if we don't acknowledge her twinship too. Its hard having THREE twin in a family that way.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon

My story is very similar to your daughter's. My twin sister died in utero and nobody bothered to tell my Mother. I always told my Mother I had a "sister who looks just like me", but nobody believed me. When I was 11 or 12, I'd become so annoying about it, that my Mother actually tracked down all the papers from my birth and sure enough, there was "dead fetal tissue" and an "abnormal afterbirth" listed. It was very important that my sister have a name and that I was able to (allowed to) talk about her, something that didn't happen until much later. I think you're doing wonderful with helping your daughter with her twin, doing all the right things.

I don't know if you're religious or not, but I've always believed that my twin sister was watching over me, in a way, be it as an extra guardian angel, or in more of a (nice) haunting.

We too believe this and I had a pin designed that we had made for all of us and we wear them for all our family portraits. It has two little girls, one with wings and halo and one with a heart. The angel is above the heart girl watching over her. Anyone can order the pin from the designer though.

http://www.carlasangels.com/twins-angel-pin.htm

[homewithtwinsmama]

Originally Posted by avent

My son had something similar going on. Without going into all the details, here's what we did on the advice of his osteopath, who could sense his lost triplet energy:

(Before we did the below, he was obsessed with the number 3. Everything had to be in 3s.)

We have a rosebush in our yard that we always called his rosebush because it bloomed on the day he was born. On Mother's Day (coming soon!) we took him to a nursery and he picked out two more rosebushes. He helped plant them around the current bush. Even though he was barely 2 yo at the time, I told him very clearly that we understood about the others and that the rose bushes were there to represent all 3. We acknowledged his loss. From that day forward he completely let go of the "3" thing.

Maybe a similar exercise would help?

We are planting a cherry tree this season (picked because cherries grow in pairs) now that my surviving twin is old enough to understand what we are doing and why.

[avent]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

We are planting a cherry tree this season (picked because cherries grow in pairs) now that my surviving twin is old enough to understand what we are doing and why.

I like that! I never thought of cherries that way but it's true.

[rere]

Originally Posted by avent

My son had something similar going on. Without going into all the details, here's what we did on the advice of his osteopath, who could sense his lost triplet energy:

(Before we did the below, he was obsessed with the number 3. Everything had to be in 3s.)

We have a rosebush in our yard that we always called his rosebush because it bloomed on the day he was born. On Mother's Day (coming soon!) we took him to a nursery and he picked out two more rosebushes. He helped plant them around the current bush. Even though he was barely 2 yo at the time, I told him very clearly that we understood about the others and that the rose bushes were there to represent all 3. We acknowledged his loss. From that day forward he completely let go of the "3" thing.

Maybe a similar exercise would help?

Thank you.I've been trying to think of something along those lines.

And interestingly as soon as I acknowledged that there was another baby my daughter stopped talking about her sister who died and it became just her sister.

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

We lost a twin a few hours after birth. We have never hid this fact from her, but don't dwell on it. She however brings her up every few months and we talk about what happened and where her sister is now. She will say that she misses her and wishes she was here and we agree and say how happy mommy and daddy are that she stayed with us because we were so sad her sister could not. My mother is creeped out by it, but everything I have read about identical twins is that they feel the loss whether they were told about it or not and its less confusing if you don't hide it from them.

Just want to add that we occasionally look at the one picture we have of the two of them together after birth and sometimes we get the blanket her twin was wrapped in and she hugs it. I try to take her lead, although I say I have six children and if someone asks if my other set of twins are twins, I say that she is also a twin. She gets upset if we don't acknowledge her twinship too. Its hard having THREE twin in a family that way.

Thank you for your story.It reminded me to tell my daughter how glad we are to have her when talking about her twin.She brought it up yesterday and while we were talking I told her how happy I was that she kept growing and that even though it makes me sad that the other baby didn't keep growing, I do believe we get the family that we're suppose to have.I offered up the idea that maybe we weren't ready for the other baby.She thought for a second and said"I don't think she was ready".Good point.

[rere]

Originally Posted by avent

I like that! I never thought of cherries that way but it's true.

Me too!

[threadbey]

Thanks for these stories. I came here looking for info on lost twins because a relative has just lost one twin very late in the second trimester. At this point, I am more looking for info on how to respond to the parents, but this is nice to know.

The parents are not particularly close to us geographically or emotionally, but we do see each other regularly and are parents at the same time, so... Anyway, they are very very much not wanting to talk about it right now. I just can't imagine how it would feel to be only months away from having a baby to birth and take care of and still at the same time be grieving such a late loss. This will be their first live birth. They had an early miscarriage a few years ago.

Sorry, not trying to hijack this thread. Maybe I should start a new one?

[julie128]

I heard that Elvis Presley had a stillborn twin or a twin who died shortly after birth. I think their middle and first names were reversed of each other's: Elvis Aron and Aron Elvis.