Spacing Between Kids - Your thoughts?

[Smirkin]

I have one DD (4 months) and one DSs (11 yrs). DH and I are as sure as we're gonna be that we want another baby at some point.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how long you waited between kids, and what your advice would be based on your experience.

In case it would affect your advice, I will say that I am able to stay home right now, and our decision to have another baby would be dependent on A) me being able to stay home and breastfeed baby #2 for the first 8-12 months, and B) one of us being able to stay home for the subsequent 4-5 years.

Thanks!

[dubfam]

Well, We have 2 boys who are almost 6 and 15 months. SO basically they are a bit more than 4.5 years apart. We really like the spacing. The kids can relate to each other without much competition. I think it is easier on me (personally) than more closely spaced children would have been.

[karika]

I believe in ecological spacing of 5ish-6 years. so when a child is 4, you can start TTC. i believe in it for a lot of reasons. for one, it is what would happen naturally if we lived in nature and did everything naturally like other primates. also, it is impossible to give a baby (0-5) the attention and nursing time it needs if you have another baby to care for. if they are too close together, the older feels robbed of its babyhood if you are constantly having to care for the younger and it will act out in many ways, unable to say what is bothering them because they are just too young to be that in touch with or vocalize their feelings. My older dd is 5.5 years older than her sister and it has worked well for us. she is able to put into words how she is feeling, and big enough to feel like she wants to 'help' me mother her. she still has issues of feeling left out, and like she wants to be the baby, but we can discuss it because she has the vocabulary and the groundwork has been laid for putting words to her feelings.

[cappuccinosmom]

We didn't used birth control at all. With nursing on demand and child-led weaning (and we believe, with God's planning), our first three children are exactly two years apart. Birthdays within a 7 day period, even. It worked out well. By the time the newest baby was born, the older "baby" was walking independently, and doing a lot of things independently, and old enough to be excited about the baby, but not too old to become close with the younger sibling as they grew.

[lifeguard]

I personally want my children close in age. But as I have pcos & it took us 6 years to conceive I'm guessing they'll end up a little further apart.

karika - I'm curious why you say that 5-6 is what would happen naturally? I know a few women with babies close together who were exclusively breastfeeding on demand when they conceived.

[alegna]

I think they need a spacing of at least around 3 years for a lot of reasons. First off- I feel strongly that babies need at least 2 full years of milk- ttc before that endangers the milk.

I also think that there are lots of reasons for ecological spacing as mentioned above.

-Angela

[ani'smommy]

Our kids are 2 yrs 9 months apart. It was a pretty rough first year after DS was born, but for a lot of reasons.

We started ttc when DD turned 2 and got pregnant right away. The spacing has been great. They love each other to death and are getting to the point now that they are playing together.

[Drummer's Wife]

My kids are all 2 yrs apart (23-25 months separating each baby) and it's worked out really well. I'm not sure I would do it any closer than that, though. AND I agree that it's ideal to breastfeed for at least 2 full years; many mama's wean when pregnant. I was able to tandem nurse my 3rd and 4th, but it doesn't always work out that way.

Now, as much as I love the 2 yr gap, for the first time ever I have a 23 month old and am not about to have a baby any day. I am not even pregnant (yet). I really see how little he still is, and how attached he is to me, and wonder how we did it the last 3 times with adding a newborn at this stage.

Part of me thinks 3-4 yrs is an ideal spacing, but I could never wait that long I have no regrets but I am looking forward to experiencing a bigger gap -- if there is a next baby.

[3pink1blue]

mine are 7.5, 4, 19 months, 6 months, and another on the way. There will be 26 months between DD3 and this baby, and 13 months between DS and this baby. Neither my DS or this baby were planned, but this is the only one that was a true birth control failure.

the close spacing is only hard when they both have needs at the same time, like both need to be held and rocked. Otherwise its been very easy to play on the floor with the 1 year old while nursing the baby.

ETA: we have never had jealousy with any of our kids, ever. people who say close babies "robs the older one of babyhood" have no experience with close babies - nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I think they get MORE of their babyhood this way. Mine certainly have. And mine were all concevied during breastfeedeing. I was EBF DD3 when DS was conceived, and EBF/using barrier methods when the one in utero was conceived.

[Ceinwen]

My two are five years apart, to the month, and I haven't enjoyed it at all.

Our five year old feels like she's been usurped as an only child, and even after fifteen months has not started enjoying her younger sister yet.

This may get better as they both get older, but right now I can say I really wish we hadn't waited so long.

[Alyantavid]

My boys are 4 years 3 months apart. I would not want kids any closer together. I love that my oldest got that much time to be an only, he was so much more independent by the time he was 4 than he would have been at 2. We were past the terrible 2s, even worse 3's, potty training, everything.

Its worked out very well for us and while I didn't plan on it originally, this is how it is and its perfect.

[nolonger]

My kids are 21, almost 20, 17, and 14 months. The 21 year old has lived with her father since she was 6 months old, so essentially I have three kids. I wanted dd2 and ds1 to be spaced more closely than they are because I always felt inadequate growing up with a sister who was three years older than myself and both me and my mother (who has a sister 4 years older) still struggle with negative attitudes towards babies and our own childlike aspects, i.e. "baby, baby stick your head in gravy" type taunts that we have internalized.

I wouldn't say that my dyad is naturally spaced, since they were born in the context of a brief but unfortunate marriage and our sex life wan't the greatest or what I would consider "normal". but i will say that the first year was EXHAUSTING and made me glad that I didn't get the closer spacing that i wanted.

My childrens' personalities did not mesh as well as my sister's and mine did. They are not close, do not like each other right now, and dd2 has a lot of resentment. She also feels that she lived in the shadow of a "ghost sister" (dd1). For these reasons, as well as my own difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships and (perhaps unrealistically high) standards I had for a new partner, I kept putting off having another baby.

Things weren't perfect when I started TTC ds2, but I did know that I couldn't wait any longer and still have a reasonable chance of becoming pregnant and carrying that pregnancy to term.

This time I had unrealistically LOW standards of sibling relationships and expected the older kids to be more like an aunt and uncle and ds2 to be raised essentially as an only child.

I was mistaken. the ginormous age spacing has been DELIGHTFUL for my family! The older kids are very much siblings and not "spare parents" and I have the perspective to enjoy ds so much more than I could when i was younger.We run into weird situations and conflicts of interest and I don't have the support of oodles of people who know just how I feel because they have been there too, but then again I don't run into the judgement if I do things differently than they did either.

I was really playing "chicken" with menopause too much for it to be morally acceptable to recommend that ANYONE follow my path with the 19, 18, and 16 year age gaps, but I did want to reassure you that unconventional does not always equal "bad" and that if life circumstances are too overwhelming for you to TTC with perfect 2-4 year spacing, that it is okay to wait and enjoy larger spacings with better life circumstances.

Anyway, I love my little son and although life is never boring with my teens/young adults, having a much-younger sibling has been a very positive experience for all of them.

dd1 may still choose to "come home" someday too. The courts can't tell her not to any more.

[crazydiamond]

My kids are 3 years apart, to the month, and its worked out pretty well. I wanted them 2 years apart and still kinda wish they were, but 3 has been fine. DD weaned while pg with DS at around 25 mos. She PLd the week DS was born (all on her own, so it wasn't a lot of extra work). DS is a year now and DD has gotten a lot more independent in that time. She does adore her brother and we haven't had any major jealousy issues, so that's good. The reason I kinda wish they were 2 years apart is because as it is, they don't really have a lot in common. I know DS is only a year and not really "into" stuff, but I can see that as he gets older, she'll obviuosly get older too and there'll be a larger disconnect.

My brother and I are 6 years apart, mainly because my mom wanted to give me time as an only child. There were no major issues with me when my brother was born, but we aren't close. We're on good terms, but we're so far apart that we were never doing the same things as each other. Even as adults now, we're at different places in our lives. Maybe as we get older we'll have more in common, but who knows.

[Storm Bride]

My advice is based on my own experience, so it's probably coming from a different place than that of a lot of other people.

I had ds1 in 1993. About 10 months (Jan '94) later, I started ttc.

Glossing over secondary inferility, three miscarriages and a divorce...

I had dd in 2003. DS1 was 10 years, 2 months old.
I had ds2 in 2003, when dd was 26 months old.
I had Aaron (stillborn) when ds2 was about 27 months old.
I'll be having baby-under-construction at the end of June. Aaron would be just over 1.5, if he'd lived....but, if he'd lived, I wouldn't be having any more children.

I've wanted four children my whole life. My original plan was to have my second when ds1 was between 18 and 24 months...wait about 2 years to ttc again, then have two more spaced about 18-24 months apart. I wanted four kids, and fairly close together. The only reason I planned a slightly longer break between 2 and 3 was to give my body a bit of rebound time.

Plans change. Nothing worked the way it was supposed to. I never expected to conceive ds1 so easily, then run into problems for a decade. So...my personal belief, at this point in my life, is that if you want children, have them as quickly and as close together as you feel comfortable with (physically and emotionally). You never know if the option will still be there if you wait. I no longer think of having children as something one can just decide to do...


I'll also add that, based on ds2, I think the children's temperament is a bigger factor in family dynamics than the age gap. Dealing wtih a 2 year old and a baby wasn't so bad, and the next year or so was also okay. Dealing with ds2 and other children is tough. He takes too much time, energy and attention to have much to spare for the others.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by crazydiamond

My brother and I are 6 years apart, mainly because my mom wanted to give me time as an only child. There were no major issues with me when my brother was born, but we aren't close. We're on good terms, but we're so far apart that we were never doing the same things as each other. Even as adults now, we're at different places in our lives. Maybe as we get older we'll have more in common, but who knows.

I have to say that, from what I've seen, this is generally one of the hardest gaps. My brother and I are about 5.5 years apart, and I have a stepbrother whose late brother was 6 years older than him. I've known a few other families with similar spacing. None of the siblings I've known with this gap are close. (I actually adored my brother growing up, and wish we were closer, but I've just never been able to close the gap.) Several of the ones with bigger gaps are close, though. At some point, the gap seems to change the dynamic to one that resembles an uncle-niece/nephew or junior parent situation, and the siblings get closer again. My stepbrother is actually quite close to his older brother (also my stepbrother, but I don't think of him the same way, as I've only met him a handful of times), despite a 12 year gap, because the oldest was a sort of "junior parent" in his life. I see something similar between ds1 and dd & ds2 (10 and 12 year gap, respectively).

I know this is totally based on people I've known, and there will always be exceptions, but 5-6 years seems to be a rough age gap for the siblings.

[ginadc]

With the caveat that nature/the universe always seems to have its own ideas...

DD and DS are almost exactly 25 months apart--just a hair over two years. I have always said that I would not have wanted them to be any closer in age, because it was very hard to juggle a 2-year-old and a newborn, and at least at that point DD was becoming a little more independent, could climb into her own carseat and so forth. Much younger and I think it would have been really stressful.

Her friends from day care are all having younger siblings now; she was the first, and the others have all been a wee bit older as the sibs arrive--2 1/2 to 3. Watching the adjustment and how the kids interact with the babies, I find that a really good spacing. DD does absolutely great with DS, but I think it might've been even better had she been just a little older.

I wouldn't want to have gotten to a place where my youngest is out of diapers before having another little one--because the thought of returning to diapers after being totally free of them for awhile would likely make me want to weep!

[ChetMC]

Good All Around

Whenever this topic comes up, most people seem pretty happy with the age spacing that they have. There are benefits and drawbacks to any situation, but most people seem to focus on the positives of what they have, find ways to minimize the challenging aspects, and just enjoy their family as it is.

I know that sounds hokey, but I've rarely heard a parent of older children look back and truly regret their spacing. And usually when they did, it had more to do with personalities than ages. A different age spacing would have just helped make the personalities easier to manage.

I like having closely spaced children. Although things can be a little challenging, particularly in the very beginning when you have what amounts to two babies, closely spaced children allow you to achieve a high degree of parallelism. Our girls lost some things having a sibling so close in age, but they gained other things too. I don't find it hectic with a baby at all right now because our girls play together all day long and are so busy with each other.

[Ceili]

My brother and I are six years apart and we get along fine. We live far apart so our lives don't intermingle very often these days, but when we get together we have fun. We had very little sibling rivalry growing up. My dh and his sister are 2 years apart and they have a similar relationship. I think personality has more to do with the relationships of siblings than age difference does.

My ds and his sibling (due in August) will be 5 years apart. I didn't plan it, it's just the way life worked out. I think it's good timing. Ds has been pretty consistant with going potty on his own for well over a year now and goes to sleep independantly. I'd worry a lot about regression of these things if they were spaced closer together and he was just beginning to do these things rather than them being established habits. Ds nursed to sleep until he was 3 and I question whether I would have been as willing to follow his lead on weaning if I'd had another child to care for at the time or if I'd been pregnant, as I tend to get very "hands off don't touch me" while I'm pregnant.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by ginadc

DD and DS are almost exactly 25 months apart--just a hair over two years. I have always said that I would not have wanted them to be any closer in age, because it was very hard to juggle a 2-year-old and a newborn, and at least at that point DD was becoming a little more independent, could climb into her own carseat and so forth. Much younger and I think it would have been really stressful.

I always thought it would be really hard to juggle a 2 year old and a newborn. I guess that's where temperament comes into play. It wasn't that bad having a newborn with 2 year old dd in the house. I think it's going to be insane having a newborn with 4 year old (he's just over 3.5 now) ds2 around, though....

I wouldn't want to have gotten to a place where my youngest is out of diapers before having another little one--because the thought of returning to diapers after being totally free of them for awhile would likely make me want to weep!

That was hard. DS1 was 10 when I had dd, and facing diapers again almost made me want to cry. That's how dh feels about digging out our newborn cloth in a couple months, too!

[crazydiamond]

Originally Posted by ginadc

I wouldn't want to have gotten to a place where my youngest is out of diapers before having another little one--because the thought of returning to diapers after being totally free of them for awhile would likely make me want to weep!

The grass is always greener! For the few weeks that I had 2 in diapers, lets just say it was craaaazy. I realized in that short time that I'm not cut out for 2 in diapers! I think it worked out perfectly for me, though, with DD PL right after DS's birth (totally unexpected). It meant that I didn't really have 2 in dipes, yet didn't have a gap without diapers. I basically kept up my diaper-changing routine, just transferring it from one kid to the next. I couldn't have done it better if I planned it!

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I have to say that, from what I've seen, this is generally one of the hardest gaps. My brother and I are about 5.5 years apart, and I have a stepbrother whose late brother was 6 years older than him. I've known a few other families with similar spacing. None of the siblings I've known with this gap are close. (I actually adored my brother growing up, and wish we were closer, but I've just never been able to close the gap.) Several of the ones with bigger gaps are close, though. At some point, the gap seems to change the dynamic to one that resembles an uncle-niece/nephew or junior parent situation, and the siblings get closer again. My stepbrother is actually quite close to his older brother (also my stepbrother, but I don't think of him the same way, as I've only met him a handful of times), despite a 12 year gap, because the oldest was a sort of "junior parent" in his life. I see something similar between ds1 and dd & ds2 (10 and 12 year gap, respectively).

I know this is totally based on people I've known, and there will always be exceptions, but 5-6 years seems to be a rough age gap for the siblings.

I think you're absolutely right. When the kids are closer in age, they play together as siblings. When there is a significant gap (like 10 years) I think they establish more of an aunt/uncle type relationship. But 5-6 years is in the middle -- the older child is too old to be part of the youngest's activities but not old enough to take the lead and cultivate the relationship. And of course, personality plays a huge role, too. My brother is much different than I am and I think that makes it even harder to be close.

And you're absolutely right about not knowing what life is going to throw at you. We'd been TTC #2 since DD was 6 mos, yet didn't conceive until she was 2 1/2. It's not a huge amount of time, and thankfully only 1 m/c in there, but still, you never know what happens. The only thing you can do is take what's given to you and make the best of it.