We are the strictest parents?!

[robin4kids]

We were told by of 13 y/o son that we are the strictest parents and he hates us for it My dh is proud of this new label. I on the other hand hate it. I am not saying that I want to give in to my ds's demands, but I wish our friends would stop giving in to their kids' demands.

We don't feel like we are THAT strict. We let ds stay home by himself while we go to the store. He sometimes watches his younger siblings for short times and we pay him. We live in the city, but let him take walks by himself. The things we just won't give in to are movies and shows and video games we find inappropriate for a boy his age. We limit the tv he can watch and only allow hand held games in our house. (these can only be played on the weekends) Oh and no cell phone or face book page. He has an email account, which we monitor.

It could be worse, right? I am just so tired of hearing, "Well XYZ was allowed to see Phush, Milk, or whatever other movie is hot at the moment." "XYZ has a facebook page." "Why do you get to see my email?" Why are parents allowing their kids to see so much violence and sexual content? My ds might look like he is 16, but he is only 13.

We made the mistake of letting him see Steven King's IT. I know, I know Awful!!!! Well they never finished it. Half way through I saw the way my ds and his friend were behaving and pulled the plug. They were so scared, but denied it! Yet every time I ask my ds to go to the basement he asks someone to come with him. HMMMM! We will NEVER make that mistake again. We really believe that kids need to be protected till they are older. Some days i just want to move to the country, homeschool and build a wall around our house. O.K that is a little extreme, but you get the picture.

[sapphire_chan]

He was freaked out by the movie, but is still asking to see scary movies? Maybe part of what's going on is he wants to prove to *himself* that he's mature/old/cool/tough enough to handle that stuff? Does he have any hobbies that let him say "hey, I was able to do that" like martial arts, hiking, building things, etc?

ETA:
Also, there are websites where you can look up exactly why a movie got a certain rating and decide if it's something your child can handle or if it's something that they can handle if you talk to them about key points.

[Cherie2]

I know everybody is different, but at 13 I left home and lived on my own. I traveled the country. This is only one woman's opinion, but I think he needs some autonomy or he will never learn to self regulate.

[suabel]

I for one don't think you are overly protective. We all have to follow our own compass, so what's right for your child and your family certainly might not be a good fit for someone else. At the end of the day, you have to live with your choices. I'd rather err on the overprotective side if I must.

I have a 13-year-old daughter, and her privileges are very similar to what you describe. No cell phone yet (it's actually coming soon), no facebook/myspace, we reserve the right to read her email. Her freedom is increasing as she shows us that's she's ready for it. I know her temperment and maturity, so her father and I get to choose what I think she's ready for. I do allow my daughter some freedom with movies, but only because I know her personality. I do read up on the movie first so I know what she's watching and so we can discuss it later if I think there are talking points, ie. violence, sexual overtones.

Really, you owe no one any explanation on why you choose to parent the way you do. If your son is expressing the need for more independence, of course there are things you can rethink, but certainly at 13 there's lots of time to dole it out in increments.

Finally, I think every kid, no matter how much freedom them have, uses the "but Bob's mom lets him" excuse about something.

[chiromamma]

I'd stop monitoring the email, let him get a facebook on the condition that you are one of his friends.
I agree about protecting kids to some degree but they do need to participate in some of the rituals of the culture in which they live.

[robin4kids]

We will give our son more freedom to watch more grown up shows/ movies as he shows the maturity for it. We really don't feel that at the tender age of 13 that he knows what is an appropriate show to watch. Children tend to copy what they see on tv. If there is shooting, then they play shooting games.

I think what parents need to remember now is that when they were 13, there was not the same level of technology. Movies were not as graphic. There was no facebook, or email. So yes we could all sit back and let our kids watch whatever they want, play whatever game they pleased.I however am confident that my children will try their best when they are on their own to make the best decisions, but I know there will be some mistakes. I think it is our job as adults to shield our kids till they are mature enough to handle things on their own.

One person said that they think that if i shelter my child too much, they might go crazy when they are older and i am not around. Kids can't drink till they are 21 and some do go crazy when they are finally allowed, but not for long. I am sheltering him from violence and sexual content. The worst that could happen is he could decide to watch every movie we forbid.
The point was not that we did not want him to watch the movies, just that we wanted him to wait till he was older.

I wish more parents would think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play. Just because they look older does not mean they are mature enough to handle all that is going on in the world. Take the movie "Slum Dog Millionaire", great movie, but way too violent for a teen. I still am having a hard time with the abuse that happened to the children in the movie. One of our friends let their 13 y/o dd watch the movie. Why put that imagine in a child's head. I wish I did not have those images in MY head.

[nd_deadhead]

I agree with you. Once a person (kid OR adult) sees something, they can't ever "unsee" it.

I let my sons (14-1/2-yr-old twins) watch some R-rated movies when they were 13, but only if I had seen it first, and only if they watched with DH or me, so we could discuss the R-rated aspect. I am not as concerned about language as I am about violence and sex.

We have talked about WHY I feel those shows are inappropriate for them, which helps. I've talked about becoming sensitized to violence by seeing too much too soon, and I generally don't want them watching shows that show casual sexual relationships.

We've also talked about how different families have different values and rules. When our kids have tried the "But Luke gets to..." I ask "Does Luke's family take him skiing? or to ZZ Top concerts? or turkey hunting? Would you rather live with us or with Luke's family?" They realize that there are tradeoffs - and when they stop to think about it, our rules aren't so bad, when they consider the benefits of having us for parents.

You know your son better than any of us, and know what he's ready to handle better than any of us.

My kids both have e-mail accounts (just this year), and we do not monitor them, but they have never given us any reason not to trust them. I do know that they do not e-mail often; our only computer is in the family room, so there's not much privacy.

[MsChatsAlot]

I really want my kids to be discriminating consumers. I think, as a parents, we do have some insight into things or have a different perspective. With my kids I have always tried to explain why I think it's not appropriate, talk it through with them and then hear their point of view too. We set up some guidelines that work for all of us and proceed. Going about it this way, I've watched my kids turn off shows in the middle, realizing it was too much for them. I've also said, "this is more than I thought it was and feel it needs to go off now" and they've been okay with that too.

It's a delicate balance between allowing them the space to be in the world and make choices that are best for them...and not being involved enough and really knowing what they are doing.

I typically prefer to have them experience things around me, so they can understand what is truly best for them and I can help them through it, with the hope that when they make decisions and I'm not around, they'll do the same and do what's truly best for them.

There are no easy answers in this gig called parenting, is there?

[PoppyMama]

I do not parent like you do and my kids are not violent or awful in any way. You get to parent how you wish and I respect that but other parents can disagree with you and parent in their own way. We are not doing this to sabatoge you. Make your choices and then own them and don't expect other people to make you look good to your child.

[fek&fuzz]

If he were writing letters to someone would you read the ones he sent and received? Do you pick up the phone so you can listen to what is happening on the other end of his phone calls? Do you sit with him and his friends so you can hear what they are talking about when they are around?

It sounds like he might need a little privacy.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

I typically prefer to have them experience things around me, so they can understand what is truly best for them and I can help them through it, with the hope that when they make decisions and I'm not around, they'll do the same and do what's truly best for them.

yea, me too

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

The worst that could happen is he could decide to watch every movie we forbid.

and you would not be there to discuss it with them..

maybe the worst that could happen is they could build up resentment towards you and not care what your opinions are...

or they could feel so controlled that they rebel and spend years doing things just because they were not "allowed" instead choosing them

Really I don’t mean to be adversarial, but I have reasons for letting my children do the things I let them do, and its not so your kids can come home and tell you I let them do it.

[claddaghmom]

You don't seem too strict. But I think you might be putting blame on the wrong people.

Last time I checked, it was totally normal for 13yos to "hate" their parents, bang doors, stomp feet, demand more freedom, etc.

Said in a lighthearted way.

Why not let him get a facebook attached to the email you are monitoring? I personally don't think it works to say he can have one if you are his friend. All he has to do is create a different page that you don't know about. It seems more secure to monitor the entire computer and his history.

[fek&fuzz]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

and you would not be there to discuss it with them..

maybe the worst that could happen is they could build up resentment towards you and not care what your opinions are...

or they could feel so controlled that they rebel and spend years doing things just because they were not "allowed" instead choosing them

Really I don’t mean to be adversarial, but I have reasons for letting my children do the things I let them do, and its not so your kids can come home and tell you I let them do it.

Yep.

I had very lenient parents. And there was this boy that my friend was dating that all the neighborhood parents hated. He was harmless. We were at my friends house, unsupervised, and my mom wanted me to come home since there were no parents. We were just sitting around talking and being bored (I;m sure they imagined we were having a drug fueled orgy) but I didn't want to go home. My mom said "But he's not a good person." I said back "Yeah, but I need to figure that out for myself since you won't always be around me." She agreed, and let me stay.

We figured out shortly after that he wasn't really all that, and then he went to live with his mom. If our parents had forbidden us from seeing him, they would have just pushed us towards him.

I think sometimes kids need some space and freedom and credit for knowing what is right and wrong.

My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties. My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want." But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

I wish more parents would think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play. Just because they look older does not mean they are mature enough to handle all that is going on in the world.

You are more than welcome to raise your children the way you choose to raise them. So am I. I strongly dislike the assumption that parents who have different boundaries for their children than you do are parents who don't "think twice about what they allow their kids to watch and play". I know ds1. I know what bothers him and what doesn't. I can't prescreen movies for him, because, quite honestly, he's perfectly okay with stuff that I absolutely will not watch.

I don't make my decisions based on how old he looks. I make them based on who he is.

You do what's right for your family and stop worrying about what I do with mine, or with what your friends do with theirs. If you're the strictest parents around, then so be it. That's what you are. I don't get why you're wishing that other parents did what you do. Do what's right for you and don't worry about it.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

Yep.


My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties.

ITA. I had a friend growing up who wasn't allowed to touch or look at anything alcohol related. (Aka couldn't bring a beer to dad, couldn't sit next to someone drinking beer). Anyways....she certainly partied it up in her teens years.

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want."

That is actually an excellent idea! I'll have to remember that...

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

Amen!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

My friends who had the strictest parents were forever sneaking out and drinking and going to parties.

:
That was my experience, too. There were a few exceptions - the ones like me who were acting out crazily because of other things, but of the more "normal" (aka, not completely dysfunctional) homes, it was mostly the really strict ones that had the wild partiers, ime.

My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want."

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

That is actually an excellent idea! I'll have to remember that...

That's what my stepbrother told his oldest, as well.

But really the smartest way to get me not to drink beer at parties was to give us sips of her Sam Adams beer at home. After that a Bud Light is disgusting!

Amen!

HAHAHAHAHA! I'll have to tell dh about that. Since I outgrew my teens, you couldn't pay me to drink beer, even the "good" stuff. But, dh loves imports and craft brews (he also does all-grain homebrewing), and I suspect he'd love this strategy.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

You don't seem too strict. But I think you might be putting blame on the wrong people.

Last time I checked, it was totally normal for 13yos to "hate" their parents, bang doors, stomp feet, demand more freedom, etc.

Said in a lighthearted way.

Oh yeah. My 12 year old thinks we're the dumbest people ever.

Too bad. He's still not watching an R rated movie.

We preview everything, and make decisions after we've seen for ourselves. If there is a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, no. If it's swearing and a few mildly risque jokes, maybe yes.

As long as there are age restrictions on certain things, it really isn't up to them, their friends, or their friends' parents, is it?

And I'm not about to let someone else's child watch something that isn't age appropriate without checking with their parents first.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

And I'm not about to let someone else's child watch something that isn't age appropriate without checking with their parents first.

It's funny. I think I'm forgetting just how much ds1 has grown and matured in the last 3 or so years (he's 16 tomorrow). We controlled his media consumption a lot more strictly at 13 than we do now.

That said...I wish more of his friends had had parents like you. He watched some stuff I would never have let him watch at a couple of his friend's homes, and they were moms I liked, and had no idea they'd let him watch stuff like that. I will admit that I don't check with parents, anymore, though. I did until a year or two ago, if I had any doubts at all. What I really don't get is how often I was greeted with an expression and/or tone of voice that suggested I was nuts for checking in. Even if it was something that ds1 was totally allowed to watch, I'd understand why a parent was checking with me, yk?