We are the strictest parents?! - Page 2

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

It's funny. I think I'm forgetting just how much ds1 has grown and matured in the last 3 or so years (he's 16 tomorrow). We controlled his media consumption a lot more strictly at 13 than we do now.

That said...I wish more of his friends had had parents like you. He watched some stuff I would never have let him watch at a couple of his friend's homes, and they were moms I liked, and had no idea they'd let him watch stuff like that. I will admit that I don't check with parents, anymore, though. I did until a year or two ago, if I had any doubts at all. What I really don't get is how often I was greeted with an expression and/or tone of voice that suggested I was nuts for checking in. Even if it was something that ds1 was totally allowed to watch, I'd understand why a parent was checking with me, yk?

I can't get over how many people don't check. Dsd watched something extremely inappropriate at a friend's house a few years ago and I was livid. She had a lot of trouble separating reality from fantasy at the time and it was not helpful at all. : I always check, just in case, because we've had a few friends who get offended if someone says butt, which means their kids can watch G rated movies only.

How they became friends with us is beyond me. I'm constantly having to edit out @$$.

There are also a lot of children who have nightmares from stuff I might consider relatively mild. Dsd couldn't watch things at 9 Ds watched at 7. I'd like to know those things before I traumatize someone else's kid, not after.

Lately I've noticed every movie that has a romance has characters jumping in and out of bed at the drop of a hat, which seems to give kids the impression that's how relationships work. There's no getting to know you period at all, and that is not the message I want my kids to be getting, yk?

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

I wish our friends would stop giving in to their kids' demands.

The things we just won't give in to are movies and shows and video games we find inappropriate for a boy his age. We limit the tv he can watch and only allow hand held games in our house. (these can only be played on the weekends) Oh and no cell phone or face book page. He has an email account, which we monitor.

It could be worse, right? I am just so tired of hearing, "Well XYZ was allowed to see Phush, Milk, or whatever other movie is hot at the moment." "XYZ has a facebook page." "Why do you get to see my email?" Why are parents allowing their kids to see so much violence and sexual content? My ds might look like he is 16, but he is only 13.

We made the mistake of letting him see Steven King's IT.

Can I make a few gentle suggestions? My two oldest kids are 18 and 15, and I remember having the same feelings as you describe here, and the same conversations. If I were to look back and do things a little differently (which I can do with The Littles) it'd be to do this:

Sit down and encourage your son to talk about this while you listen. Really listen. He's 13. He wants to feel like 'being a teenager' really matters for something. He wants to feel like he has some control over his life. So REALLY listen to him. Don't just pacify his frustration while you wait to justify your rules and restrictions, but take a few notes on what he is saying and wanting to change. Let him know you'll look over and consider his ideas. Then give it some genuine thought and a few days to chew it over. You might find that he's not wanting things that are totally unreasonable. Maybe he wants a later bedtime. Would it kill either you or him to allow it to be moved a bit? Probably not. Maybe he wants more freedom with media choices. What would be the harm in installing some protective software that blocks inappropriate (sex/violence) sites and backing off on the reading of the email? ITA w/the pp...I doubt you listen in on his phone calls, this is the same concept. As for Facebook, it's genuinely something TONS of 13yos have and use to communicate with one another, so what good is it accomplishing to forbid that specific thing? As for the cell phone, would you consider it if he pays for it himself?

I do understand and totally get the concept of wanting to shield them from the unpleasantness of this world. But he's growing up, and the fact that he's complaining means he's frustrated with the current state of things. I'm not suggesting you just wipe out all of your rules, but consider involving him in the process of making them. Getting him on board as a team player in the family NOW, as opposed to just a cast member, will pay dividends later down the road as he 'grows into' his personality and ambitions.

HTH mama, these teens are an adventure!

[Theoretica]

Coming back to add....

As for wishing other parents wouldn't 'give in' to their teen's demands. First, you don't know that the 'other teens' are demanding anything in the first place. Second, maybe those things are ok with their family, and they haven't had a problem with it. My oldest daughter and I used to watch South Park together when she was younger, I think about 15-16. I remember a fellow HSing family overheard us talking about it and just about came UNGLUED that I would 'expose' her to 'such trash'. The thing is, it was a great vehicle to talk about current events in a way that was relevant to her and that teen sense of humor. South Park is totally responsible for launching us into conversations about everything from AIDS to green-washing to the Iraq war and Bush. So, in other words, it worked for us.

Also, a 13yo watching IT is a LOT different than a 13yo watching Bad Boys or some other mindless but R rated movie where the bad guys lose and the good guys win.

And, FWIW, The Grudge was one of the scariest movies I'd ever seen in my LIFE. And it was PG13. Amnityville Horror was NOTHING compared to Grudge. *shiver*

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by bigeyes

I can't get over how many people don't check.

It kind of blows my mind, too.

There are also a lot of children who have nightmares from stuff I might consider relatively mild.

See, in this, I'm one of those children, and ds1 is you! Things just don't faze him. I, otoh, cannot watch horror movies, and have to avoid a few scenes, even in movies I like (the airplane prop in Raiders of the Lost Ark - and the bugs - Shelob, from LOTR, many others, although I can't think of them right now). I don't get nightmares, but do get...sort of like nighttime anxiety attacks, and then I can't get to sleep worth crap. I have enough trouble with insomnia without inviting even more of it, yk?

Dsd couldn't watch things at 9 Ds watched at 7. I'd like to know those things before I traumatize someone else's kid, not [I]after.

Yeah. I upset my nephew when he was about 7, when I showed them The Labyrinth. I thought he'd be okay, but he had a new baby brother and was really upset during the baby-napping scene. He and I had a long talk about it, and he did decide to watch it again...but only after I'd assured him that the baby did not get hurt. I think he wanted to see for himself.

[Sailor]

I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.

[ChampagneBlossom]

My parents were the super monitoring kind. I feel to this day that by the time I was 17 or so I was as mature as I am today. I "grew up" into an adult at that point. Not to say I had all the life experience that I do now (and heck, I still don't have ALL that much, considering I'm not even 30) but I don't feel that being so strictly controlled by parents is healthy. I didn't feel respected at all.

I didn't exactly end up rebelling, but when I did start saying "whatever, I'll just do my own thing" when I was 18-19 my mother especially freaked out and said I was rejecting her etc. It's really hard to put into words what I'm getting at. I was really angry for a long time about how I was held back for, what I see now as no good reason. I wasn't "kept innocent" in any way, I just had a million roadblocks thrown against me by my parents. Who, I'm sure, simply meant well.

My mom would accuse me of doing drugs when I never had, of having sex, of drinking... she had "proof" of all these things but it was ridiculous because I never did them!

I talked with my mother about this lately and she admits that she wishes she had trusted me more and not tried so hard to keep me protected and innocent. It really ruined our relationship for so many years that she had to be this angry enforcer and I had to "rebel" even though I never had it in me. I never wanted to get them angry or hurt them; I just wanted to figure life out. Is that so bad?

Bad things DID happen to me, but they did even though I had over controlling parents. And I don't really regret them because I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger, right? (Said with a grain of salt of course.)

I met this girl in college who had a mother that was "like her best friend" - I rolled my eyes at this but really and truly, I overheard her talking to her mom about what an awesome hook up she had while really high on drugs. And the mom was like "I hope you used a condom" and I was just really surprised that people could have that sort of relationship with their parents. That's the opposite end of the spectrum. I wouldn't choose that one either as my parenting style, but possibly, hopefully a nice medium.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by Sailor

I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.

umm, I suppose this will come out sounding curt...but seriously? Emails are not just like a journal. They are permanent public messages that can be read and sent by anyone.

[1growingsprout]

Funny you should mention the email and face book. My neighbor tried the same thing with her DS (12), monitoring the childs email and not allowing websites and such. Her DS went to the library or another friends house set up another email account and opened up myspace/facebook and whatever else he wanted to do. The mom was oblivious for months. That child only accessed those accounts from someplace other than his home. Once the mom found out what her DS had done she tried to make him cancel the accounts he said fine, i can just go and do it again. Its very sad but there is no trust in that house between that child and parent. All because the mom kept saying no and wouldnt give an inch. That child is now 14 and heck-bent on getting out of there asap.
Im not saying that your son will put 2 and 2 together and figure out he can open email accounts etc. from someplace else...
But what happens when he is at 'tommy's house' and they decide to watch XYZ movie? etc

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

umm, I suppose this will come out sounding curt...but seriously? Emails are not just like a journal. They are permanent public messages that can be read and sent by anyone.

Not to mention the sending AND receiving part. Kids can receive emails from anyone, with or without the owner's consent. We did have email and IM and all that when I was teen - 12 or 13 I think - and I'm 24 now. And I have to wonder what in the hell my parents were thinking. If they just didn't understand the technology of it, didn't think it was problem, or it never occurred to them that it could be dangerous and inappropriate. The worst of it for me at that age was the chat rooms. Complete random strangers I was talking to and they thought nothing of it. I even had a "cyber boyfriend" for a time and yes we had "cyber sex". No pictures or anything of the sort exchanged, but still, not something I needed to be talking about at 13. Would they read snail mail letters? Of course not. Because inherently there is more control over that. You don't look up a random person and send them a letter. But people do with email. If your kid got a random snail mail letter from somebody you didn't know, and your kid didn't have a good explanation - would you not read it? Would you let them send snail mail letters to people they didn't know? Of course not.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by Lisa85

Not to mention the sending AND receiving part. Kids can receive emails from anyone, with or without the owner's consent. We did have email and IM and all that when I was teen - 12 or 13 I think - and I'm 24 now. And I have to wonder what in the hell my parents were thinking. If they just didn't understand the technology of it, didn't think it was problem, or it never occurred to them that it could be dangerous and inappropriate. The worst of it for me at that age was the chat rooms. Complete random strangers I was talking to and they thought nothing of it. I even had a "cyber boyfriend" for a time and yes we had "cyber sex". No pictures or anything of the sort exchanged, but still, not something I needed to be talking about at 13. Would they read snail mail letters? Of course not. Because inherently there is more control over that. You don't look up a random person and send them a letter. But people do with email. If your kid got a random snail mail letter from somebody you didn't know, and your kid didn't have a good explanation - would you not read it? Would you let them send snail mail letters to people they didn't know? Of course not.

Ummm. But there's ample programs, free and not, that will screen email and 'net access for inappropriate content. So it's not necessary to hover.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

It kind of blows my mind, too.


See, in this, I'm one of those children, and ds1 is you! Things just don't faze him. I, otoh, cannot watch horror movies, and have to avoid a few scenes, even in movies I like (the airplane prop in Raiders of the Lost Ark - and the bugs - Shelob, from LOTR, many others, although I can't think of them right now). I don't get nightmares, but do get...sort of like nighttime anxiety attacks, and then I can't get to sleep worth crap. I have enough trouble with insomnia without inviting even more of it, yk?


Yeah. I upset my nephew when he was about 7, when I showed them The Labyrinth. I thought he'd be okay, but he had a new baby brother and was really upset during the baby-napping scene. He and I had a long talk about it, and he did decide to watch it again...but only after I'd assured him that the baby did not get hurt. I think he wanted to see for himself.

exactly. You have to pay attention to the individual. I know quite a few adults who don't like scary movies. OTOH, I can remember watching psycho when I was about 8.

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by Sailor

I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.

My parents were this way. They listened in on calls, tried to read my emails, hover over me while IMing, went through my room, "accidentally" picked up the phone while I was talking. They did this all before I ever violated their trust. They just didn't trust me from the beginning. So when the opportunity presented itself to chose to do something they wouldn't want me to do--I didn't care. I didn't have their trust in the first place, so I didn't have to worry about "breaking" it.

I also never felt safe in their house. I mean, safe in the physical sense, yes. But safe to express myself and my opinions? safe to have my own (innocent) interests? nope.

I left when I was 17. We're ok now, but it was tough for a while.

Originally Posted by 1growingsprout

Funny you should mention the email and face book. My neighbor tried the same thing with her DS (12), monitoring the childs email and not allowing websites and such. Her DS went to the library or another friends house set up another email account and opened up myspace/facebook and whatever else he wanted to do. The mom was oblivious for months. That child only accessed those accounts from someplace other than his home. Once the mom found out what her DS had done she tried to make him cancel the accounts he said fine, i can just go and do it again. Its very sad but there is no trust in that house between that child and parent. All because the mom kept saying no and wouldnt give an inch. That child is now 14 and heck-bent on getting out of there asap.
Im not saying that your son will put 2 and 2 together and figure out he can open email accounts etc. from someplace else...
But what happens when he is at 'tommy's house' and they decide to watch XYZ movie? etc

I totally would've done this. ...oh wait...I did.

I know you're trying to protect your son, but my humble advice (as, admittedly, the mother of an 8 month old) is to get some parental controls. Get your own facebook so you can be his friend (and therefore see his profile) and keep your computer in a public area of the house.

You have to becareful how tightly you hold teenagers (I say this as a 21 year old, the feelings are fresh in my mind). Even if it is for their own good, holding them tightly can just push them away quickly.

[bigeyes]

Originally Posted by Sailor

I don't have kids, but I must admit, at age 13, I would have been LIVID if my parents checked my email/mail. It would have been, for me, an awful feeling. But, my family was always very big on privacy - yes, even for kids.

The other stuff - fine. But, why the email? I understand approving friends on, say, MSN chat and having control over that. But, reading personal emails? What is the logic behind that?

To me, it's like reading someone's journal or going through their room to see what they're hiding. Doesn't seem like a good way to foster trust.

We police dsd's email because of some issues in the past, but I truly hope by the time she's 13 we don't have to. I'm hoping it's no longer necessary by then. She e-stalked an older boy and has had some problems with inappropriate contact with older boys that concerned us, and our therapist agreed we'd be crazy not to keep an eye on her online activity. She also had a couple of friends who were starting to bully her via email and when they realized we were reading what they wrote it stopped abruptly.

I wouldn't feel bad about checking a myspace page, though. I hope they don't have them at all, considering the way some adults have had their myspace pages come back to haunt them.

We've seen major improvements, so hopefully we'll be able to check up on her less often in the next year or so, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat if the same situation occurred.

[bramblevine]

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz

My mom told me "If you are at a party and there is beer, you can always take one and just nurse it. No one will know. You can also just pour out the can in the bathroom and fill it with water if you want."

Your mom is my hero.

[Dar]

I have to admit, when Rain was 13 I never would have considered asking one of her friends if she was allowed to watch a certain movie... in my world, 13 year olds are competent to know what movies that want to watch or are permitted to watch, and I don't see ensuring that as my job. Of course, I think that was the year that Clockwork Orange was Rain's favorite movie (I never watched it because the bit I did see really disturbed me, but she owns it, as well as many other Kubrick films).

For us, it has worked well to support my child in making her own decisions about media (and email, and myspace, and all that). When I've had concerns we've talked about them and found solutions, but by and large I've found that she's pretty good at finding her own limits, and she's comfortable talking with me about most problems she's had. I think both of those are huge, and I would want to parent in a way that supported these traits. I think I have... YMMV.

Dar

[bigeyes]

If someone wants to show my 6 or 7 year old with emotional/relationship issues an R rated movie, which was what happened in our situation, he!! yes they had better ask so I can say no, since they obviously don't have any judgment when it comes to that sort of thing. :

Some might not think someone has to ask me to show a 13 year old a PG-13 movie, but it might be considerate since the whole point of that PG is parental guidance.

When they're 15 or so, we'll have to see. I can't say, since mine aren't anywhere near that age.

If there's no point to the ratings system, why not just show the little kiddies porn, then? Because it isn't appropriate. I would no more let a 13 year old decide to watch porn than I would let a 7 year old decide to watch an R rated movie.

[Dar]

I think Rocky Horror might be R, and that was one of Rain's favorites when she was 7... but I would check with a parent before letting another kid watch it with her, because a 7 year old is a child. The OP was talking about her 13 year old, though.

I see the MPAA ratings as another tool we can use to help find movies we'll enjoy watching, albeit not a very useful one. I definitely don't see them as the arbiter of what's right for my child - my child and I determine that ourselves.

I have never met a little kid who wanted to watch porn, whether it was rated G or X, so I don't see how the rating system changes anything. Maybe some 13 year olds would want to watch something fairly mild, but I think most wouldn't...

Dar

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

Ummm. But there's ample programs, free and not, that will screen email and 'net access for inappropriate content. So it's not necessary to hover.

Right, but they can be horribly inaccurate.

It all depends on the child, but to put a parental block on the computer or what not and call it good is a false sense of security. All kids in my house will have their online activity monitored, as I believe all kids should. How much, totally depends on the kid. At 5, every last bit of it will be monitored. By 10, hopefully just occasionally checking in on email and approving IM conversations, and at 16 a facebook friend. But that all depends on them.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by robin4kids

One person said that they think that if i shelter my child too much, they might go crazy when they are older and i am not around. Kids can't drink till they are 21 and some do go crazy when they are finally allowed, but not for long. I am sheltering him from violence and sexual content. The worst that could happen is he could decide to watch every movie we forbid.


.

I just saw this from teh main page, and I wanted to say that this is NOT the worst that could happen. I didnt' read all teh replies, but I grew up with parents who were similarly strict (more so than you, i think but similar) and it alienated me from my peers. To this day I cannot name 5 peoplle from my childhood with whom i am close. When they went to the movies, I had to stay home because the movie was pg-13, or it ended at 9 PM, or or or. It was very frustrating and led to a lot of resentment on my part.

I am not saying to just let your ds do whateve eh wants, but rather to please listen to what he is saying and take him seriosuly. i know psoters here say that every kid uses the "so and so's mom lets him" line and that is true, but it could be that your ds feels left out because more and more, your restrictions are holding him back socially. Those restrictions,and constant monitoring and general "babying" for lack of a better word, left me feeling helpless and trapped, and I did indeed run out the door without looking back when I turned 18. i was married to an abuser by 19 and am STILL reeling from THAT decision.

Please don't ignore your ds, is all I'm saying. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he knows what he can ahndle (not compeltely, but just a little) It can feel overwhelming an smothering to have a parent who CONSTANTLY keeps tabs on everything you do and is stillholdingall teh control as a teenager.

[Sailor]

Originally Posted by claddaghmom

umm, I suppose this will come out sounding curt...but seriously? Emails are not just like a journal. They are permanent public messages that can be read and sent by anyone.

Well, I meant more in the sense that you share the emails with the people you choose. Just like you can show your journal to the people you choose.

Now, yes, those people might forward your email to millions. And that's their prerogative based on their own ethics. But, ultimately, if two people are having an email correspondence, I personally consider that private, until they decide to forward their email to however many people they want. While anyone can hack it, and read, I have my doubts that hackers are really sitting around digesting emails of teens.

I guess I just grew up in a very lenient household, so I'm always shocked by the strictness of some households. My family pretty much let me be from puberty onwards. In my family, puberty is the beginning of independence. I could always come to them, with anything. But, their premise was that, until I broke their trust, I was treated as any other adult in the house. Which means no monitoring of emails (or anything else, lol).

While I know weird/scary stuff happens online ... I gotta say, age 13, was NOT that long ago for me. I STILL remember what it was like to be 13, what I thought, what I felt ... and I was not naive. I knew there were predators out there, and I never spoke to anyone online unless I knew them personally. In chat rooms, I had random people try to strike up a conversation, and I just ignored them. I didn't need a parent or monitoring program keep me from this. I read the news - weirdos abounded, and I didn't want to end up as another news story. I actually remember, at age 13, telling my friend who had aol and would chat with random people that she'd wind up as a statistic if she kept that up.

I realize not all kids are so aware at 13 ... but, surely, in this day and age, most are!