I think I'm going to have to stop going to church and I don't want to

[eastkygal]

I just got back from Wednesday services where I spent the entire time running after, nursing, or walking outside with my 10 month old DD2. We are a very small rural church where only 38 attended last Sunday. They have a pre-school/kindergarten Sunday School for now (that's where our kids fall in age range), but no nursery. There are only 2 infants and I suppose no one sees a need for a nursery because the other baby is very "well behaved". I have a very "spirited" baby who is just not happy in those types of situations. She has to have freedom of movement and sound. I am getting nothing of the sermons, lessons, singing.... I can't pay attention to prayer. I'm sad, but I think it is best that Ivy and I just stay home. DH could go with DD1, but I'm afraid they wouldn't go as often because of being tempted just to stay with me. We could go to a bigger Methodist Church further away, who I'm sure has a nursery, but we are happy at our church and love going there. We feel in fellowship there. I need guidance right now as I'm under a lot of stress, and anxiety is getting the best of me. There is something amiss with me, and it's not a good time to drop out of being fed spiritually outside of what I can do.
I talk more about it in my blog (in my siggie) under A Wish for Nursing Mothers, but I'll stop here. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm lost.

[JenBuckyfan]

Is there anyway to not be in the sanctuary but still hear what's happening in there? Is there a way the church could have a speaker outside of the sanctuary to help - the church might be too small for this. Maybe you and your husband have both have cell phones. Could your husband call you and could you have a blue-tooth thingie in one ear but your phone on mute so you can hear what's happening and watch your DD2? This is a tough one!

[eastkygal]

Naw, we have a half finished picnic shelter we are collecting cans to finish. There isn't anything available like that. DH and I don't have cell phones. But, thanks for the suggestions. I do appreciate them.

[JenBuckyfan]

Hmmm.... Maybe you can get one of those small voice recorders and have your husband record the service so when you have some quiet time you can sit and listen to what you missed?

[NicaG]

maybe you could trade off Sundays (or Wednesdays) with your dh?

[JenBuckyfan]

Just read your blog about the situation. Could you ask the pastor what she/he feels about it? Is there anywhere in the church you could sit where you feel comfortable breastfeeding and not worry about offending anyone? Do people tend to sit in the same spot every week - could you ask those by whom you sit by and see if they are/would be offended? You might find they wouldn't be.

I think you're right in saying that you don't know what they think and they may very well think it's a great thing to do and have no issues with it. You currently aren't feeding her during hte service so I wouldn't think they'd get all bent out of shape if you inquired about it.

Have you been members of the church for a long time? Maybe the issue has just never come up before and it would be a welcomed discussion. Maybe it would be very much not supported in which case you may choose to continue what you've been doing. I would try to find out so you know what people actually feel.

[caitlinlea]

Could you alternate Wednesdays/Sundays with your DH? Every other week you each take your older DD and the younger one can stay with one of you? Is there anyone close by you can trust to care for younger DD while the rest of you attend church? It seems important to you that you are able to attend and participate - I hope you are able to work something out. Hugs!

[PaulaJoAnne]

Many people I know solve this by having short evening devotions at home that includes many of the elements of church, ie., a hymn, prayer and Bible reading, and during this time, holding the babies in the lap, requiring them to sit still during these things. Starting out with just 2 minutes at a time is just fine, working your way up to 15 minutes or so.
This has not failed those that try it. Even with the most hyper little ones.
Its just a matter of gently training the child that while we are doing these things, we must be quiet and still.
Having a special set of silks or hankies that come out just for church time are a good idea. They are quiet and colorful, and can be utilized as a hand puppet by you for when the wiggles start to happen.

[eastkygal]

Originally Posted by PaulaJoAnne

Many people I know solve this by having short evening devotions at home that includes many of the elements of church, ie., a hymn, prayer and Bible reading, and during this time, holding the babies in the lap, requiring them to sit still during these things. Starting out with just 2 minutes at a time is just fine, working your way up to 15 minutes or so.
This has not failed those that try it. Even with the most hyper little ones.
Its just a matter of gently training the child that while we are doing these things, we must be quiet and still.
Having a special set of silks or hankies that come out just for church time are a good idea. They are quiet and colorful, and can be utilized as a hand puppet by you for when the wiggles start to happen.

Thanks for all the suggestions, and I want to say that I might go this Sunday... talk with one of the elder's wife who also breastfeeds (but her baby is so laid back and gets passed around church all service)... and take some silks. If this doesn't work, I think I will talk with DH about switching out services, though I don't know yet if he'd stay with DD2 that long without me around. He hasn't yet. Lastly, I'll do my own devotionals with the babes. I really need immersion in scripture like a school lesson, but will take anything I can get. Our old church has sermons online, and I could listen to those during my free time, though I will miss the fellowship.

Oh, it's a pretty common thought around here that it is inappropriate to breastfeed in public. There was just a Letter to the Editor in the newspaper about it from a 78 year old woman. You simply just don't see it. Even aside from that, my baby is "wildcat's kitten" and will need training to be still in any important to be still moments.

[lilyka]

Don't give up!!

It may feel like a giant weaste of time but open yourself up to what God is doing in your life right now. There is a lot of spiritual growth that happens as we care for our children at church and tech them to worship and pray and be a part of the ocmmunity. none of this time i being wasted - yours our your babies. they are learning big things. Just keep working with her, atch what you can, help her to participate in any way she can. One thing that I love about my church community is that the babies get oassed from one person to another everyone helping to teach them how to be a part of the worship and prayer and how to participate and distracting them . Is there anyone you cna rope into helping you? how much toddler noise is tolerated?

[Bluegoat]

I went through this with my first daughter - we were in a very small rural church, no other kids at all. I did end up staying home more than I would like because dh was the only server. It sounds like you have a few good ideas here and I just want to remind you that your baby will very soon be older and it will get much easier.

[Katica]

I`m in the same boat with my 2.5-year-old DS. He is very much high needs and cannot sit still for 30 seconds straight. Our church doesn`t have a nursery either so it`s been hard. We have speakers though where I *could* listen to the sermon. Most of the time, I can`t pay attention though b/c I`m busy chasing my son.
Sorry, I don`t have any advice just wanted to commiserate.

[cappuccinosmom]

I usually don't hear the sermon for about a year after my babies start moving around. But skipping church altogether was never a thought that crossed my mind. Even if I don't get to sit in on the service, it's an important habit for our family to keep up and instill in our children. And it's not just about the service, but about the community as well. If nothing else I can say hi to folks and get a few hugs and catch up on how their lives are going.

It would be far too easy to just get used to staying home. There'd always be some reason it would be easier to stay home. So, we just go, unless we're deathly ill or contagious.

[mrsjtc]

What about a sling/moby/Ergo baby carrier? Nurse your baby at the beginning of the service somewhere inconspicuous and then tuck her into a carrier snugly. Maybe that would help calm her and she'd fall asleep. I used to just walk back and forth in the back of the sactuary with mine in a carrier. The motion kept them asleep but I still got to hear the sermon.

[eastkygal]

Thanks mamas... The only comment I've ever gotten about her noise was "You sure know she's on the place." by a few of the older women. Nothing else. No one is comfortable passing her around, as they have tried and she is so squirmy they get nervous I think. She just doesn't like being held all that much. I could try the sling... I haven't before. I should make sure I nurse her before we leave every time no matter how soon she has ate or whether she acts like she wants to or not. I can say that I will stay home before I can let things continue like they are with all the frustration and bad feelings I've been having... it would be the better decision in my mothering, maybe not spiritually but as a mama. I can't expect a 10 month old to understand that she has to be still, nor even know what it is we are doing.

About not hearing the sermon, I'm in a hard place right now where I feel like anxiety and stress are eating up a good thing in my life. I'm jumpy and reactive with my girls instead of being patient and calm. There is some wrong, and I'm not being successful at correcting it right now. I feel like I need spiritual guidance that I'm just not getting on my own. I don't know... maybe I'm blocking it off unconsciously.

[mrsjtc]

Originally Posted by eastkygal

Thanks mamas... The only comment I've ever gotten about her noise was "You sure know she's on the place." by a few of the older women. Nothing else. No one is comfortable passing her around, as they have tried and she is so squirmy they get nervous I think. She just doesn't like being held all that much. I could try the sling... I haven't before. I should make sure I nurse her before we leave every time no matter how soon she has ate or whether she acts like she wants to or not. I can say that I will stay home before I can let things continue like they are with all the frustration and bad feelings I've been having... it would be the better decision in my mothering, maybe not spiritually but as a mama. I can't expect a 10 month old to understand that she has to be still, nor even know what it is we are doing.

About not hearing the sermon, I'm in a hard place right now where I feel like anxiety and stress are eating up a good thing in my life. I'm jumpy and reactive with my girls instead of being patient and calm. There is some wrong, and I'm not being successful at correcting it right now. I feel like I need spiritual guidance that I'm just not getting on my own. I don't know... maybe I'm blocking it off unconsciously.

Try just one more time! Don't give up on it. If you feel like you need spiritual guidance there is a reason things are not going easily! Remember, Jesus brings peace and lifts our burdens. If you aren't feeling that then please just try one more week at your church. Nurse your baby for a good long time before you leave. (Or even nurse her int he car when you get there if it makes people inside uncomfortable.) Pray while you're nursing her, for peace and grace to be with you both. Get right to church, try to not go early so there isn't more time to burn before the service. I would recommend a sling highly. She can still look around and wiggle a bit but you have her contained.

No young teen girls to help with her? Maybe a neighborhood girl who could come to church with you and take the baby out to a play room / fellowship hall. any thing when she gets fussy.

I'll be praying for you. I spent 6 months of Sundays sitting in the nursery at our church at the time. No other workers, no other moms with little kids. It was so hard. But our family grew for it, my husband was leading the youth at the time and the congregation was blessed by his work. You will make it though. Is there an older woman you could call and ask her to come visit with you? Set up a mentoring kind of program? Hang in there. It does get better.

[Sweetiemommy]

I know this is difficult, but God wants your family to be in church. Something that helped me when I had to follow my 2 crazy boys (18 months apart) around while missing church (sooo frustrating) was to just keep a little prayer going in my head while I let them run around for a few minutes. I would tell them about God and tell them it was important to be quiet, etc. But you can't expect them to be able to control themselves for a long time. And it is important for your husband and older daughter to keep the routine going. It sounds to me like the distractions at church are bringing up a bigger issue for you, you mentioned twice that you are feeling frustrated and that "something" is going on. What is that, do you think and can you try to focus on that? Remember, when we are feeling troubled and burdened the worst thing to do is cut yourself off from your spiritual "family." And keep your chin up, you never know when this stage will pass and she will be easier to handle in church. It might be awhile, but they all go through stages. It will get easier. And you know, sometimes I feel like God presents us with difficulty so that we can learn something from it. Maybe He is preparing you for a service to someone else one day. Maybe when your children are older you will see a new mom with a handful of babies and you will feel called to help her. And maybe that will be a great blessing to both of you. Don't give up! Much love to you.

[lilyka]

why are you getting frustrated? are you still expecting to walk into church and be able to worship without the burden of having to parent too? What if you walked into church with the expectation that you were going to hang out outside the sanctuary, sing along some, pray along some and enjoy your dd? (why bother getting frustrated about missing the sermon? you would miss it just as well at home. ) take that time that now feels wasted to pray for your children as you distract and comfort and entertain them? pray for grace in your parenting and for God to use this time to do a work in you. frustration happens when our expectations are not being met. why not change your expectations. this is your dd and this is your journey. why not find a way to make your church time fruitful rather than skipping it all together? there is more to church than the sermon. those relationships and interactions are important to her. do not kid yourself. she IS getting something out of this. you are going to have to teach her how to participate in worship one day, and while she may not be able to get it now completely, it will start building the foundation. when she is old enough to start getting it you will be glad the foundation and love of church is already there. how much more difficult will it be if this whole church environment is new to her!! My church does not do nursery (worldwide we do not have nurseries) and most babies are able to start participating meaningfully around 12-18 months clearly they do not get it all but they are able to make the sign of the cross and venerate (both are ways of praying, showing reverence) as well as other ways of worship and prayer. but the ones who participate are the ones whose parents fight the good fight and are there with their children for the whole service every week and actively teach their children to participate (not to sit still and be quiet but teach them how to show love to God). So please keep trying. there may not be much fruit in your life (that you will see) but you will definitely see fruit in your dds life.

[DahliaRW]

If there is somewhere you can go in the building, but you can't hear the sermon there is a simple solution. Buy a cheap-o baby monitor. Put the listening end in where worship is happening and the receiving end where you are. It's not "high tech" and fancy, but it works adn its' cheap. You could even be back in a hallway and at least hear what is going on. Alternating taking your 10mo out can help too.

I always found that the 1-2 year range was the hardest to be in church. I was constantly in the cry room with both of my children between those ages. But I was persistent in working on sitting and being quiet (in small age-appropriate segments) and it has gotten a lot better. My 20 mo can sit through most of the service now or goes to sleep and my 4 yo rarely has to be taken out. It does get better.

[weliveintheforest]

Nice post Lilyka!